Tonight's (Monday) update.

[Rajah]

Not really much different to report today.

Whereas yesterday I didn't want to get out of bed, today I couldn't sleep in much. 10:30 came around (I used to sleep until noon easily given the chance) and I had to get up.

Even though I didn't really want to go back to my parents' house today when I went to bed last night, when I got up this morning (anyone lost yet? ) and found my mom and cousin gone, I was really disappointed. Then I found the note saying they'd just gone for more boxes and would be back soon.

Added another direction to the ups and downs of the roller coaster today: anger. Nothing specific, not yet anyway, just a generic "want to punch your fist into the wall or computer monitor" type anger. And frustration. My poor mom kept wanting to know how to do this, that, or the other or where was this or what was that again and I kept feeling like I was being intruded on. I had things *I* wanted to do, I didn't want to show her how to do everything, why doesn't she know how to do this herself, etc etc etc. Take the anger *away* for a bit and I felt guilty for feeling that way, but that's how I felt for a good portion of the day today. I suspect that'll be coming a lot the next few weeks or months.

Routine was pretty much the same. Back to my parent's house where my cousin helped clean out more of my dad's office (we were allowed in now). I went through more photos for a bit, until my cousin came downstairs with *two boxes* of old catalogs. And by old, I mean some of these things are 6 or 8 years old! Any particular reason *why* my dad kept most of these??? I found about a dozen I wanted to keep for one reason or another, but most we decided to toss. We're not talking about *magazines* here, we're just talking about *catalogs*, and most of those junk-mail in the first place.

So I spent the rest of the day going through those and blacking-out the address and customer info both inside and outside every catalog. By about the 100th time, seeing my dad's name printed hurt less. Maybe between sorting through the pictures and putting together the album of my dad, and going through the catalogs and seeing his name in print so often will help numb me a little to what I know I'll see at work: the photo and "passed" information on the memorial fliers typically printed when a coworker dies. One of the reasons I'm dreading going back.

I was able to eat today, a bit more substantially than I did yesterday. Though, now that I think on it, I still didn't eat that much. 2 small croissant sandwiches (ham, cheese, and romaine lettuce), and one of those small microwave bowls of ravioli. But at least it's solid food.

Came home where the phone rang off the hook for the next 2 hours.

But then, at the suggestion of a friend, I did something to get back into the normal routine. On normal nights, I'd settled into a routine of watching Futurama, Family Guy, Inuyasha, and Big O on Cartoon Network. While I missed Futurama and Family Guy because one of my neighbor/best friends stopped by to check on us, I did sit down and cross stitch while watching Inuyasha and Big O. For about 20 minutes of those, I was able to totally forget what had happened, and life was back to normal. I needed that break.

Then, just a few minutes ago, DH came up and taped something to my computer that totally disrupted my plans for Saturday. I *had* planned on going in to work with my friends for just a few minutes or an hour or so, so I could get used to being back in the office without my dad, but do so without having all my well-meaning coworkers either swamping me with sympathies and hugs and stuff, or ignoring me entirely because they don't want to intrude. I can't handle being *at work*, *without my dad*, *and* dealing with all the people at the same time, *and* all the emails I suspect I have. So we'll take it three parts first (work, no dad, email), and add the last bit (coworkers) next week.

Well, this semester I had signed up for a class that primarily met online, but has 3 or 4 in-person Sat morning meetings. The first one is, of course, Saturday. (Oh, did I mention my dad's birthday is Sunday?)

I'm going to try to get back into my normal routine by trying this semester. My DH has taken this course and says it should be fairly straight-forward for me. And if I can't handle it, the instructor knows my situation and will work with me. At worst, I'll get a passing-withdraw later in the semester. At best, I'll finish the semester with an A and be that much farther than I was before. I'm just glad I signed up for *one* class this semester, not two.

I still can't believe this is happening. I keep wanting to ask him why. What was so bad, that he thought this was the only way out?

 

[Dan Murphy]

Good to share, good to talk, Tammi. A day, a week.

 

[helenabear]

Tammi... good luck getting back into everything and figuring out when woudl be good to go back to work. I wish I had answers for you, but just remember to keep on going hour by hour if needed and someday things will get easier.

 

[Pooh93]

{{HUGS}} About a year after my FIL committed suicide, my dh made the comment that he wondered if his mom would ever find a note hidden in the house explaining why he did it. She never has. I think wanting to ask him "why?" is a natural reaction, but try not to let it consume you. I'm sure your dad knew how much you loved him and I pray that he is at peace and you and your mom will find comfort in the days ahead.

 

[Pop Daddy]

hang in there, I bet since yours dads birthday is Sunday it makes every thing harder

 

[dianeschlicht]

I think you are doing a remarkable job of coping. Keep taking it one day at a time. I'm so glad you can share here.

 

[CRB#33]

Microwave ravioli????

Ick

{{Hugs}} Tammi.

 

[snoopy]

Its especially poignant the things you find yourself effected by - your dad's name in print, for instance. For me, I could look at pictures of my parents with no problems, I found that very comforting, but seeing either one of their handwriting sent me over the edge. Its the little things like that which make you realize just how profound your loss is.

I think the most important thing is that you *are* feeling these different emotions, they are all normal, and its healthy to have the whole range of emotions in order to heal.

 

[Cindy B]

Well, yes, the catalogs, and other things inundate my MIL's house as well. It did get numbing after cleaning her fridge, cancelling her doctors appointments, throwing and keeping her mail, etc....

Returning phone calls from well wishers was the worst! My DH had to return a few phone calls on her answering machine and that was challenging.

As for classes, you can do it. I'm not sure if I shared this or not, but my MIL passed away on 9/13, and my new semester for class started on 9/15! This was an online course as well, and it was actually good for me to focus on something else. Also the fact that my MIL and I had a conversation about school about a week before she passed away. She told me that she was proud of all her kids going back to school as adult students.

The course was fine, and I didn't even tell my instructor/prof about the death. (I didn't want to come across as a "needy" student). I just went full force ahead in the classes, and just did my best. I was appreciative of the online setting because I could greive and do necessary things (like cleaning out her house, and viewing/funeral) without taking away school time. In fact I used a bit of bereavement time to work a week ahead of other students. Working ahead enabled me to sort of "slow down" as all the details took place.

After the course, I told the professor how much I enjoyed the online setting. It was then I told him about my MIL. And by the way, I got an A in the course...

 

[TammyNC]

Tammi, you are still in my thoughts and prayers. It is best to keep taking it day by day and being able to express your thoughts and feelings is a wonderful thing. It would be much worse if you were keeping them inside and not letting them out.

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

You're doing great. Day by day, just keep swimming.

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by Pop Daddy
hang in there, I bet since yours dads birthday is Sunday it makes every thing harder

New year, our anniversary was the 7th ("the" day), his birthday is Sunday, and mine is at the end of this month.

Those all make it very hard.

 

[Otto's Doll]

You are still in my prayers. I wish I could help, but I know it is just getting through it all one day at a time. Sometimes it is one minute at a time. There are lots of us here who are thinking of you and your family.

 

[luvmydogs]

I think you are handling things so very well. I continue to pray for you and your family...

 

[RUDisney]

Just think of Sunday as the only first birthday since his death that you'll ever have to deal with. After the year of "firsts" things will get easier. It's just getting through those firsts that stinks.

I have a friend whose mother passed on 12/26. She is very happy that she is in accounting and this is the busiest time of the year. She can throw herself at her work to distract her from everything else. You can do the same with your class.