Toddler temper tantrums

[KathyFP]

Every family and every child is unique. We all have our personal values and parenting experiences.

I believe that we should not express our disapproval at how someone parents their child because we are unaware of the indiviudal circumstances.

(The exception is abuse or neglect- then it should be reported to the authorities)

I have very strong parenting beliefs and values, but I own them...they are mine! I never impose them on others.

I will talk with family and friends, not a stranger. You don't help a challanging situation by finding fault with the parent... you make it worse!

 

[Keli]

I dislike it when parents don't take their screaming child to a private area. I understand when we are on buses or something and there is no place to go but in resturants and whatnot the parents should have more respect for those around them and remove their unruly children. And I find myself looking over at parents that aren't removing their screaming children frequently. It's not that I'm trying to stare at them but the noise really bothers me (other loud noises don't necessarily but crying children do) and I catch myself turning toward the noise frequently, especially if the pitch of the crying suddenly gets higher or the volume goes up. But I don't have an ugly look on my face when I do, my over riding emotion is compassion for both the parent and the child.

 

[disykat]

That person should have minded their own business. It's pretty hard to get a child "out of" a huge place like MK - and as far as "letting her cry" that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. How did she suggest stopping her? As long as I see the parent trying their best to parent their child and trying not to infringe on others (very hard in public places!), I tend to feel highly sympathetic towards them. If the parent was sitting in the middle of a show or a restaurant and not taking them out - I'd lose that sympathy though!

In my experience the people that are most judgemental are parents whose kids have only tried throwing manipulative tantrums (or people who don't know kids). Those kind of tantrums are pretty easy to spot and no one with any sense likes to see a parent give in to them. Those are the kind of tantrums you can "not allow".

Tempermental tantrums where the child is simply out of control are harder. Those often take time for the child to gain control of themselves. I have one child who is "highly sensitive, highly persistant, poorly adaptable, low threshold... " the jargon changes, but it basically means the opposite of "easy-going". Through careful planning we've avoided public meltdowns, but at home he's had some doozies!

Until you've dealt with a real tempermental tantrum - not just an "I want my own way" tantrum- it's a hard thing to "get".

 

[poohandwendy]

It's pretty hard to get a child "out of" a huge place like MK -

I don't think anyone is suggesting leaving the parks (although if the child is melting down due to exhaustion and or overstimulation, maybe it IS a good idea to take an hour or two away from the parks). There are plenty of quiet, out-of-the-way areas in all of the parks. I think what is annoying and inconsiderate is when parents just stand there ignoring the behavior and do not even look for an alternative spot for their child to flip out.

It's great that they have a plan to ignore the behavior...but why should everyone else have to deal with it?

 

[Robinrs]

I agree, there is no perfect way to deal with human beings, which is what children are, but if we forget that children are WELL AWARE of what they do.

My mother would just LOOK at us and we would straighten up. Not that we didn't TRY, but once we got the look, it was over.

When I had my son I swore I'd get that LOOK. Yes, my son has TRIED, but when I gave him the LOOK it was OVER.

Yes, I've had plenty parents ask me how this works. I guess you had to be raised by my Mom to understand. I went to Disney with a friend of mine with three children, each one of them would have the patented "meltdown" and my son would just stare at them. (Eddie Murphy does a comic routine about this... I can totally relate!)

But never, not once, would I think to tell her HOW to deal with her children. She would quickly take them away from people though, which I think is one way to handle it.

Again, there is no magic formula. I never had to read a book, ask a doctor or a friend, I had my MOM. She was my ideal and the model I worked off of. I always told her she should write a book. Till the day we lost her body on this earth, she was the driving force that kept us centered, from birth. I just pray I will continue to be that for my child.

 

[mearjan]

Any attention at all will feed a tantrum whether its positive or negative (and hey with DS x's 4 i am the expert). ive seen about as bad a tantrum as they can dish out and kids are smarter than we think the longest ive seen one go on in about 15 min after that they get the idea (given the lack of attention) hey this isnt getting me anywhere but tired. One thing i have noticed tho is that they tend to throw them around strangers because (i think at least) they do not know how the strangers will react.

Oh yeah as far as a blowup at WDW i got pictures of a good one right before spectramagic lasted 5 min he realized hey this isnt getting me anything and stopped.

 

[believe]

I have had the same thing happen when DD#2 threw many tantrums, she didn't even need to be tired. One lady told me I was disturbing others by letting her finish her tantrum. I knew I was doing what was right. DD now rarely throws a tantrum. Both DDs know they can throw their tantrums and I will be calm, but once they are finished there are consequences. I refuse to let my children think they can make me do things by them throwing a tantrum.

I think what is annoying and inconsiderate is when parents just stand there ignoring the behavior and do not even look for an alternative spot for their child to flip out.

Have you tried removing a child as they are having a tantrum? It both inflames the child more and makes the tantrum go longer. Also, I have tried removing my children to a quieter place only to be followed by security guards who are making sure I don't harm my child....even when I am going to the restroom to try to talk them through it.

Until you've dealt with a real tempermental tantrum - not just an "I want my own way" tantrum- it's a hard thing to "get".

I totally agree with this. I went through this for almost 2 years with DD#2 before she understood that I wasn't giving in.

I get mad at the parent when a kid throws a temper tantrum and they dont discipline them

What kind of discipline works with a child in public...that won't get you thrown in jail? Remember even trying to go to a private place is not always available or even really private.

 

[4greatboys]

Instead of being a butt the lady could have offered to help out. One time I was at Luby's eating with my 2 little ones and they were both crying. Impatient for their lunch, I was trying to get the both settled in, get the bigger one served so then I could feed the baby and a very nice lady came from another table to see if she could help me out. She was very nice. With 2 crying kiddos if she came to my table to berate me for letting them crying or not stopping it sooner I would have let her have a mouth full.
On our Sept 220 my then 2.5 yr old did have a big melt down in park one day so we just went back to our room to hang out. I know the poor guy was just tired.

 

[poohandwendy]

Have you tried removing a child as they are having a tantrum? It both inflames the child more and makes the tantrum go longer. Also, I have tried removing my children to a quieter place only to be followed by security guards who are making sure I don't harm my child....even when I am going to the restroom to try to talk them through it.

Umm, yes I have, with my 3 children when they were younger. And I DID remove them from the public to a quiet spot, everytime. The world does not revolve around any childs development of learning self control.

My children quickly learned that a prolonged tantrum does not work out in their favor. They learned that my having to stop whatever I am doing (shopping etc) led to a lack of them having the luxury of going along the next time, or even the next few times. It really isn't all that complicated. It only takes consistency and not giving in because it is easier to (the biggest mistake of all, IMHO).

And I never tried to 'talk them through it'. I am not a negotiator and the rules are not and never were up for debate. I was certainly not going to reward a temper tantrum with a long discussion. The rules are simple. Nuff said. Children aren't stupid, they don't need to be constantly placated with 'why' they aren't allowed to flip out, why we are leaving, etc. Talking them through it only leads to power struggles, IMO.

As far as the security guard, that would have made me laugh. I would have probably jokingly offered the kids to them.

I am with you Robin...we must have similar mothers. My mother didn't put up with bad behavior and neither do I. My mother didn't try to pacify us when we were out of control, she didn't try to plead with us, bargain for a 'treat' if we settled down, explain why we were leaving, explain why our behavior was unacceptable, ask us why were upset. And she certainly didn't allow us a public stage to work through our meltdown. It was a no- nonsense, these are the rules mentality. It worked. We weren't scarred or confused or abused by it. We learned that bad actions resulted in even worse results.

For the record, she raised 5 children. Every one of us with different personalities. She didn't just 'get lucky' and neither have I with my 3. I quickly learned the secret of 'the look' and it still works every time.

 

[browneyes]

I bet that lady doesn't have any kids. Usually those that haven't lived through the tantrum stage think they know it all.

 

[believe]

I can't say that I have every pacified my children, but I do believe in trying to understand what is causing that tantrum...it helps avoid them in the future. It has never lead to a power struggle, just a mutual respect. Now I rarely even have to threaten my children with discipline or even the look. As stated I have tried to remove them to a quiet place only to be followed by a security guard because someone reported me for carrying my child away. DH and I work opposite shifts, so I found it important to teach our children that there are times they are going to have to shop with me even when they didn't want to....that is typically why I never left the store and leaving the store was giving into the them since that is what they wanted, not to shop.

I hope your granddaughter did enjoy her trip, overall. We have spent both full days and 1/2 days in the park and it can be trying at times, but DDs usually napped in their strollers and all was well with the world.

 

[hipporina]

Here's what I think about it all.... people need to mind their own business!!!!!!! Every child is different, and every child has to be handled differently. Anyone who thinks they have all the answers, should try being a foster parent or something and they will find out real quick. We foster-adopted our 2 DS and I promise, giving them "the look" or ignoring them or any other technique is not always effective, even though it might have worked just fine on me. I feel that people are too quick to criticize other parents. Instead of telling each other what we are doing wrong, we should remember that we are all in similar boats and try to encourage each other instead.

One thing I've had people criticize me for is how I handle it when my DS3 hurts himself by falling or something. My natural instinct is to pick him up and comfort him, but I have found that I can't do that with him. If I do, he gets hysterical and can't tell if somethings really wrong, and won't calm down. Instead, I have to ask him whats wrong, give him a hug and kiss (if it doesn't need treatment), and ignore him. While this seems cold to many people, it is the only thing that works with him.

My point in that is that most parents know what works with their child best. That woman was seriously out of line. Nothing bothers me more than when people criticize my parenting. I worry enough about doing a good job that I don't need anyone else adding to my insecurity.

*note- None of this is directed at any other poster. I am responding to the woman in the op.

 

[browneyes]

What kind of discipline works with a child in public...that won't get you thrown in jail? Remember even trying to go to a private place is not always available or even really private.

Discipline is also when a child is in a store and has a tantrum for an item and the parent says "If you don't stop that tantrum, I'm not going to buy that for you." Then they buy it for them anyway. My best friend does that with her ds all the time.

 

[r2boys&buzz]

Just my opinion....

I have a 3 yo very hyperactive son and a 5 month old baby. My 3 yo can be very loud in public (singing usually). I get a lot of nasty looks and sometimes remarks. When he acts out we make it clear to him verbally that it is unacceptable, if it continues we try to remove whatever is stimulating him and if need be leave.

In the end I don't care what other bystanders really have to say. They do not help... except for the remarking person to feel good about expressing his/her opinion. Never, have I experienced, do the remarks come with a knowing helpful smile or hand. Those who "know" ard understand can feel for you as a parent and see that you are trying to work this out.

Each child is different and needs to be handled in a way that works them. I have found that the folks that have a 'remark' to make often swear their own child/children were perfect (ha!) or don't have any. By actually saying something negative to me they are actually telling my son that the way I am working with him is wrong --- therefore what he must be doing is in someway acceptable and my how I handle his in not correct. It underminds me and my efforts. In the end it also halts the progress that I might be making (and the remarking person might not be aware of).

Just my thoughts.

Jen H.

 

[franw]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and understanding comments regarding our precious granddaughter's temper tantrum. I will pass them on to her mom and I am sure she will appreciate knowing that just about everyone felt she did the right thing and that she isn't the only one. They did have a wonderful time at WDW and our little one talks about going back every day. There was no obvious quiet place to take her when she got herself going except to take her out of the restaurant, which she did immediately. Unfortunately, we were at the very back of the MK and the parade was just about to start. It would have been quite a sight carting her down Main Street in front of the parade. I can only imagine the crowd's reaction at our one toddler band. Her parents never, ever give in to stop a tantrum. Even grandma isn't allowed to. Actually, the "nauny witch" was the only downside of the trip. She had the audacity to suggest the child be taken to a psychologist right in front of her. Another mother nearby told my daughter in law how shocked she was by the "unsolicited advice" and she thought my daughter in law had handled things the same way she would. If you are reading this, thanks for making her feel better.

 

[browneyes]

That lady sounds like a first semester psych major. Taking a 2 year to a psychologist for having a temper tantrum?

I'm glad they still had a great trip.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think the lady was a busybody,and your daughter should have told her off.

 

[disykat]

I didn't just make up the stuff about there being two kinds of tantrums. A true tempermental tantrum has absolutely nothing to do with "getting their own way" and cannot be squelched in traditional manner.

 

[sha_lyn]

Have you tried removing a child as they are having a tantrum? It both inflames the child more and makes the tantrum go longer. Also, I have tried removing my children to a quieter place only to be followed by security guards who are making sure I don't harm my child....even when I am going to the restroom to try to talk them through it.

LOL... When DS was 4 he had a full out tantrum as we walked across a parking lot. He asked if we were now going to Dairy Queen, and I told him that would have to wait, that I realized in the store that I left my check book at home. Well he laid down in the parking lot. I picked him up and was trying to explain to him that we were going to DQ after we went home, and that we had to get out of the way of the cars. Next thing I know some crazy woman come up to me yelling that she's calling the cops on me and that people like me give all parents a bad name. the woman was nuts. She physically stopped me from getting into my car. DS was hiding behind me wrapped around my legs. The woman kept yelling. "Look, look the kid is scared to death, call the cops call the cops". I told her that the only perosn DS was scared of was her and if she didn't get out of my way and out of my face I would knock her lights out". She walkes off still yelling "I'll get you" over and over. I followed her in my car to her car and wrote her tag number down and told her I was callingto police for her asulting me. Some how by the time I got home I had lost the number. For weeks DS told everyone about the scary lady who yelled at us for no reason.

I didn't just make up the stuff about there being two kinds of tantrums. A true tempermental tantrum has absolutely nothing to do with "getting their own way" and cannot be squelched in traditional manner.

Oh boy I know the difference. When younger DS had the typical pouting, hissy fit for not getting what he wanted that would elevat to crying, kicking etc.

DD on the other hand has the true uncotrollable emotional tantrums. They usually involve loud uncontrolable crying, and she can't stand to be touched. Trying to physically remove her would be near impossible. Luckily she doens't have them often, because I have learned that being tired and dehydrated are her 2 main triggers. She also tends to have them when she has a ear infection, and was the first sign of one when she was too young to explain how she physically felt.

 

[FreshTressa]

Yah, I think I just have 2 high strung kids that have trouble controlling their emotions. They are both ultra-sensetive and just get out of control of themselves.

They are not doing it to manipulate me, cuz they know that all it gets them is a trip to bed. I honestly think they just lose it. It has gotten better with time, but we still have episodes. Just 3 weeks ago, my 6 year old got so riled up, he clawed at his face and drew blood, leaving scratches. I was embarassed to send him to school.

My daughter used to be really bad. She would rip clothes off of herself, she kicked a hole in her wall, and she broke her crib. This was all when she was 2-3 years old. Now at five, she no longer gets violent, but just lays in her bed and screams and cries for sometimes an hour or two.

I have no clue how to fix it. It usually goes something like this. DD: "Mommy, come hold my hand down the stairs."
Me: I can't right now, I'm washing dishes and covered in soap. You can come down by yourself.
DD Cries "I can't. I'm scared!!! (She is 5 years old and in Level 4 gymnastics and has been using the stairs for 3 years).
Me "You can choose to come downstairs by yourself or you can choose to wait until I'm done.
DD getting frantic "I don't want to wait, I'm hungry. I need to eat now!!!"
Me "Are you starting a tantrum? Because you know when you have a tantrum, you need to go to bed"
DD NO NO NO, you have to come get me!!!
Me "Go to your bed now."
DD now in full fledged tantrum, kicking, screaming etc., while I carry her to her bed. She then proceeds to cry for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. Once she has calmed down, I tell her she can come downstairs now. She then proceeds to walk down the stairs by herself, cuz there is NO way I am giving in.



It is always over stupid things like that. I don't get why she would rather lay in her bed and cry than just give in and walk down the stairs. It could be any situation and I never know when it will be set off.

DS in Barnes and Noble-DS is going under the velvet rope.
Me-Don't go under the rope. The company puts that there for a reason. If you go under the rope one more time, I am putting your book back.
DS goes under rope again, I put book back.
DS explodes, crying very loudly and stomping. I tell him to stop, or he loses the TV for a week. He doesn't stop and gets even madder. "I forgot, I forgot, he yells".
I have to carry him to the car tears streaming down is face, to where he stays with DH while I finish shopping.

I ALWAYS stand my ground and I don't get why they don't learn that tantrums only make the situation worse. UGGG.

Anyway, I am glad that usually I just get those sympathetic looks.

And y'all remember last summer when the police came when DD was having one of her big tantrums. Where did I go wrong??????