Today is going to be so hard - prayers needed

[chell]

Many of you have seen my thread asking for prayers regarding the death of my ex-husband, who I was still very close to. We did not divorce because we didn't love one another. We divorced because of some problems and I thought the divorce would be his wake up call and he would finally get himself together and such. I am thankful that he knew that I still loved him and that I got to talk with him Monday night and that we had a good conversation.

This morning they finally flew his body back from CA. The receiving is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. Once the funeral home has his body prepared I plan on going over to see him and possibly move closer to believing this is not a horrible dream. I think seeing his lifeless body will make me have to believe it is real. The thoughts of seeing his body has me scared though. But I HAVE to see him. There are no exceptions, I have to. Also I want to look at his chest to see how he was cut open for the autopsy. Is that too sick? I just need to see what they did to my Junior. I need to see his belly one more time. I need to see more than just his face for some reason. I am not one who will usually look at a dead body, let alone touch one. But I just want to curl up beside of him and hold him for a little while.

This is so much more than I ever expected to face so early in life. When he wouldn't take care of himself and didn't want to take his medicine I would tell him that I would much rather be divorced than be a widow. Now am I both? My friends from work keep telling me that in God's eyes I am now a widow. I don't know.

Sorry I have gone on so long. Today I can use all the prayers and such that I can get to make it through the day. I am thankful for the many friends I have who have gone out of their way to show me love and support.

Junior always thought no one would notice when he died. He was so wrong. There are a lot of people who are planning on attending the services. I'm glad. I hope and pray he is up in heaven watching and happy to see that he touched so many lives.

Even if you have difficult times with someone in your life make sure they know how much you love them - you really never do know when the last time is that you will talk to them.

I'm so thankful to God for the fact that Junior & I had a great conversation Monday night before his accident. If we had not had such a great conversation and if I had not known he died happy I think I would be in a much worse state right now.

 

[Tracey1974]

 

[C.Ann]

I'm very sorry for your loss.. I didn't see your other thread (about the accident) but I'm glad you had the opportunity to talk to Junior one more time..

Hugs and prayers for you..

 

[soccerchick]

A prayer said for you to be strong and find some comfort. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[MsDisney23]

 

[disneynutt1225]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Stay strong, chell!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

 

[ZachnElli]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm sorry for your loss. You'll be in my prayers today...

 

[BelleMcNally]

I am sorry for your loss--I pray that you find comfort in the outpouring of love from friends and family.

 

[catherine]

I didn't see your original post about the accident, but am I so sorry to hear about your loss!

 

[TLHB70]

I am so sorry for your lost. My prayers are going up for you today.

 

[Mom2Ashli]

So sorry for your loss.

 

[mommaU4]

 

[chell]

Thanks everyone. Here is a link to my original thread for those of you who may want to read it.

Right now I need to go get in the shower but I can't seem to get there. It seems like the longer I put off getting ready that maybe that gives me more time for someone to wake me or tell me it was a horrible mistake. Guess I feel like if I go get ready for the day that I am accepting it in some way and I'm not ready to.

I'm really not a nervous person but I can't stop shaking now, especially when I try to drink or eat something. Is that normal? Or am I loosing it?

 

[Snowysmom]

I am so sorry for you loss. You will be in my prayers.

 

[RUDisney]

Your physical response to this horrible event is the reason why doctor's prescribe Xanax to family members of the deceased. Call your doctor. It will make you feel better physically so you can work on your emotional healing.

Prayers are coming your way, Chell.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Just because you were no longer married doesn't mean you didn't care about him. When my bio father died my mother was pretty torn up. After all, they'd spent 11 years together and had 3 children. He had his flaws but he wasn't a bad person. My condolences to you and your family.

 

[RitaZ.]

Michelle~ My thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult time.

As for the physical symptoms that you are feeling, they are a normal reaction to what your going through. The same thing happens to me when I get really upset, I can't eat. Just try to get a little protein in your body.

 

[Keli]

Everyone handles grief differently. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. And if it changes suddenly, well that's normal too. Just hang in there and don't worry about how you're reacting or feeling.
My deepest sympathy on your loss.