Tips on helping someone with depression?

[thumpersfriend]

Hi, my SIL who is single, 60 years old says she has depression. She will not take medication because of it hurting her stomach (she will not take the tests the doctors want her to,i.e. colonoscopy etc. She was in an accident about 2 years ago and got a $100,000 settlement which we are afraid she is already through. When my husbands mom died she was given a life lease to her condo and only has to pay 200 a month maintance. She is an RN but was fired from her last two jobs. We just found out she was fired in April but she has said she was still working. She has always been a very messy person but I went to tell her I knew she wasn't working and I wanted to help her if I could. Her place was absolutely trashed. There are probably 100 packages, most unopened from HSN & QVC. She bought a $2,000 treadmill that she can't get to because of all the packages. She just bought a l,000 bike and she has never ridden before and just leaves it outside agaist the wall of her condo, not chained or anything. My husband and his brother say she has always had a spending problem but now she doesn't have a job to support it and is spending more all the time. Her neighbor says she is delivered packages every day. She says she will handle this in her own way and I would like to believe that. My DH and I have been very careful with our money and I dread the time we may have to help support her. What can be done? Should I just let it go or should I do something else? Thanks for any advice. I guess she has always been a very mean and evil person(that's what her brothers say). I don't like her much either but I hate to see someone ina a mess like that.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Geesh, almost sounds like a Bi-Polar episode. With her age and her apparent stubbornness, nothing you can do really. She might be lonely? Spend some time with her, give her something to be happy about? Depression sucks, I spent most my childhood/teen/early adult life in a depression, not fun, and honestly, nobody could help me until I was ready to help myself.

Good luck.

 

[Crankyshank]

She sounds more bi-polar than depressed. I have a few friends that are bi-polar. It was practically an epidemic my Soph year in HS.
When you're bi-polar and in a manic phase, you tend to buy things. My friend Chris bought $5000 worth of Hummel's (sp?) direct from Germany during her last manic phase.

I would encourage her to talk to her Dr. There really isn't anything you can do beyond that. She has to want to seek help. If she is a danger to herself and others, then the family can try to get her committed for observation. She might not really be "mean and evil" she's probably just sick and needs help.

 

[thumpersfriend]

I guess by her brothers calling her mean and evil they refer to when she would go crazy and attack them, even in high school. They were afraid of her. She will not tell her therapist that she is spending though, just wants to say it is because of her terrible childhood. If she won't tell them everything I guess there isn't much we can do. Thanks though. I think she is bi polor too, I mentioned that to her and she just gave me a cold stare.

 

[eeyore kelly]

Geesh, almost sounds like a Bi-Polar episode.

ITA If she is under the care of a professional, I would consider writing him/her a letter explaining what you see and hear. It is hard to treat a problem if they don't know the full story.

 

[smilie]

My mother is bi-polar and went thru a stage just like this. Unfortunately it led to bankruptcy. What is also hard is that it's difficult to get them to see what they're doing. Bi-polars have ups and downs and sometimes it doesn't take very long to switch between the two. Whatever you decide/choose to do in this situation I'm praying for you. I know how difficult it can be and sometimes it doesn't seem like you get the credit you deserve. Hang in there and hopefully things will get better.

 

[bubie2.5]

Sounds to me like she's bi-polar. I have a half brother like that, when he's "up" he buys stuff like crazy.

 

[thumpersfriend]

I would love to tell her therapist, but she refuses to tell us who it is, she says she is very private and she can handle it. I bet she is about bankrupt right now. It is really tough to watch this happen. Thanks everyone. Guess my BIL is going to speak to an attorney about what things might be done to help protect her and us financially. Not holding out too much hope there. I hope she doesn't do something to herself and then I will feel like it might be part my fault. My DH says I shouldn't feel like this but it does cross my mind.

 

[totalia]

Yes, she sounds depressed. She's feeling horrible and is trying to make herself feel better by spending money.

She needs therapy. I don't suggest drugs because drugs dont help you deal with the problem, they just help cover it up.

 

[Serena]

Drugs have been very helpful to me. They helped me feel normal again. Don't discount them.

Yes, she needs help, but it doesn't sound like she wants it. All you can do is to make suggestions, short of kidnapping her, what else can you do?

 

[ginna74]

I am bi polar and as I read I could not be helped until I helped myself. So many untreated people end up in jail or on the streets or mostly dead because they can't help themselves. All I can suggest is give her info anyway you can. And yes people with BIPOLAR NEED drugs lol. I would be dead without them. It is a disease like any other. You can't just go talk it out and it will be all better. There is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Talking won't help that lol! And like diabetees (sp?) I need medication to live a normal day, whithout it I could very well die just as if a diabetic couldn't without insulin.

 

[thumpersfriend]

Thanks again for the information. Just found out last night the place where she lives is going to make her clean her messes up. They have been very good to her but it has become and eyesore. I am afraid this may be very devestating for her. She has always felt she was better than the others in her condo complex. I just hope her brothers are not responsible for her debts! I have a feeling that she no longer is carrying health insurance because she is broke. What a mess. It is very upsetting to see that she needs help but we have to wait until she sees it too. Thanks again.

 

[totalia]

I don't buy the "can't help themselves" stuff. Unless you are insane, there's no such thing. It's a copout so that you don't have to blame yourself for your own actions.

I have been depressed very badly to the point of being suicidal. I rode through it both times and came out the stronger WITHOUT drugs.

I was horrible to the people around me. I withdrew and lost alot of friends. I often felt like I wanted to hurt others, hurt myself and sometimes even do things that I would never have done normally (like steal) but I NEVER did any of those things. I control my own actions, chemical imbalance or not. A bad mood is one thing (even the horrible things that come out of someone's mouth) but that is completely different from ending up in jail because you attacked someone because you were "depressed" or "bipolar".

YOU control your own actions, no one else does and you have no one else to blame but your own stupidity if you act on things that you KNOW are wrong, chemical/emotional disorder or not.

 

[Serena]

Totalia, you're wrong.

 

[ginna74]

I have been depressed very badly to the point of being suicidal. I rode through it both times and came out the stronger WITHOUT drugs.


well good for you! You didn't need them. To say everyone doesn't need them makes me want to . It just isn't so. You tell a person who needs insulin the same thing you will get the same response. That is just how it goes lol. some people need medicine to help there phsical disorder, weather you want to believe it or not! lol

 

[Crankyshank]

I also have been depressed and suicidal, but my problem was depression - not a chemical imbalance.

BiPolar Disorder is not something that can be controlled through willpower. It's a chemical imbalance, as is schizophrenia or OCD and patients must be medicated in order to normalize behavior. Most of the people I know that have bpd are on anti-convulsents much like people with epilepsy.

Thumpersfriend, a friend of mine recommended this website for support
http://www.dbsalliance.org/
She said it has links so you can see if there is a support group in your area - maybe one of them can help you help your SIL the best way possible.

 

[ginna74]

BiPolar Disorder is not something that can be controlled through willpower. It's a chemical imbalance, as is schizophrenia or OCD and patients must be medicated in order to normalize behavior. Most of the people I know that have bpd are on anti-convulsents much like people with epilepsy.

yeeeeeeeeeeeeees someone who wrote what I thought lol there is NO will power FOR anyone with this disease. Knowledge can help people understand. I guess it is easy for people to say one thing or another and have absolutely no knowledge of the disease.

 

[gina2000]

It sounds like your friend may be bi-polar. Hopefully she will be evaluated correctly and helped quickly.

Chemical imbalances cannot be cured by acknowledging that one is acting strangely.

Ever had a thyroid out of whack? You think you are going insane and you feel like your head is in a vice. You act abnormally. Then you feel normal. Many years ago people were put into asylums because no one knew how to treat them. Most died of heart attacks at a young age.


I suggest a bit of research on the subject may be in order, Totalia. Knowledge is power.

 

[Deb in IA]

There are proven medical treatments for many, many mental disorders, including depression and bipolar disorder.

To dismiss them all as "stupidity" and lack of controlling yourself is condescending and hurtful. And wrong.

 

[ginna74]

at the risk of totally looking like over emotional person (which I am lol). I found that I am defending myself and am being called almost like a liar? anyways. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain and no amount of councilling will fix as it will never be a fix, just meds to make my day a little more livable. Oh you can even have "phschotic episodes" if not medicated right, with this dease and it is some times can be confused with phscitzophrenia (sp?). So There it is. weather you want to believe it and every doctor around is up to you. but that is the way it is.... sadly so



edit to say people have been diagnosed with pschitzoprenia when they really were bi polar I mean