Tips for putting you mom into memory care/assisted living?

[RedK]

Hey there
I'm in the process of admitting my mom into an assisted living center, into a memory care unit for Alzheimers. Does anyone have any good tips for things to pack/arrange for her, ways to make it easier on her, or ways to make it easier on my dad, on the family, and on me?

I'm a practical person, and a planner, but everything is landing on my shoulders. The doctors have agreed it's time, and I'm certain both that she needs the care and that my dad and I can't take care of her at home anymore. I'm trying really hard to do this right, because I want it to be as easy as possible on everyone. Yet it seems like a thing that can only be done "less badly."

I'd be grateful for any advice anyone has to share.

 

[KayaWildfire]

Have you chosen a place yet? If you haven't, tour everywhere. As many places as you can that you are willing to drive to. Ask who is responsible for transport to doctor's visits(it seems to vary), how payment works(some want a lump sum payment of 1+ years right away, some won't accept Medicare/Medicaid if they cannot pay a year, etc.)
I don't have any experience with memory care units, but we have done assisted living moving twice. Honestly the biggest thing we have learned to label literally everything with the person's name. We got some iron cloth labels with their names on them for the inside of clothes and fabric items and used address labels for the rest(didn't use an address, just names). First and last-you wouldn't believe how many Mary's are in assisted living.
As far as packing, take things that make her comfortable. We took a favorite easy chair for one set of parents so they could sit in them like at home, a favorite blanket, photos of family members that they may have in their home, etc. If there is room, consider getting a bench for her room with a storage shelf underneath unless there is a good place to sit and visit where she will living. We found it hard to visit with all the grandkids or any number of people over like 2 because the rooms were small and they ended up sitting all over the floor. Some coloring books or small toys may useful if kids are involved to keep at grandma's as well. We had a bench like this, we stored the kids toys in one bin, and puzzles/knitting/etc in the others.
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Better-H...UR80jYFgY0jZDamiHlfcphNOZEDdNenUaAppPEALw_wcBIf you have any questions, please ask. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time

 

[DisneyDebbie]

I don't have any advice for the transition, but just chiming in to wish you luck and give a . Memory loss is so difficult and heartbreaking for everyone involved. My Grandma really enjoyed looking through her old photos, so a place to have them handy was helpful. We actually opted out of having any clothes laundered at the home, we had a weekly set of outfits that we brought home and laundered ourselves.

 

[NotUrsula]

Be aware that belongings WILL walk away. Some things will be taken by staff, and other things will go with other patients who either are the sort to steal, or have forgotten that one is not supposed to steal. What that means is that you should not send anything of monetary OR sentimental value to her room. As an example: If favorite photos are in silver frames, make extra copies and change them out to cheap plastic ones. My mother was always getting Rosaries taken (presumably for the pretty silver Mysteries between the Decades, but who really knows); after awhile we went for the disposable plastic ones and put several in a drawer so that she would always have one when she wanted it. (Mom's memory remained sharp, but the nurses said that many memory patients found it comforting to handle Rosaries even when they had forgotten their purpose.) Handmade quilts may also walk away, so unless you think she really gets some concrete memory assistance from one, go with a regular store-bought blanket in her favorite color instead.

If you use the laundry service bring several extra clothing changes, especially of undergarments and socks, because clothes get lost in the laundry even when properly labeled. (If she needs adult undergarments or liquid meal supplements, it is almost always best to buy those yourselves at warehouse clubs and bring them in; care centers charge a VERY large markup on them.)

Also, make it clear to anyone who normally would give her gifts that candles are NOT a good idea. Well-meaning people were always giving my relatives candles because they thought that the nice smell would help dispel the institutional odor of the place. Nice idea, but anything meant to be lit on fire will be instantly confiscated and thrown away. (Some places will allow the plug-in type air fresheners, but IME more will not; they are afraid the residents might ingest the liquid scents or knock them over and slip in the spilled oil.) Best "scented" items are toiletries.

It probably won't make you feel better, but from family experience I know that it is much easier for Alzheimer's patients in care homes than it is for those who still have sharp minds. Those who can clearly remember life outside miss it and resent the restrictions that they now have to live with, but most memory care patients have lost all that, though as I'm sure you know, they can still get plenty angry when they get frustrated.

 

[RobDoc]

We went through this with my mother the last few years. Hopefully, you can find a facility conveniently located to where you live. Having regular visits is a comfort to the patients (and family). As noted above, going over family photos is a great way to promote some good memories.

Be prepared for some creative stories - when we visited my mother, she had often just returned from a trip or had just had a visit from her parents (who have both been gone for 30 - 50 years now). Many of her stories were based on the facility itself, which she "recognized" as her college dorm in the pre-WW2 1940's. She frequently told us that my father had just returned from a business trip, event though he passed away 20 years ago.

My sister lived 3 miles away and did all of her laundry for herand made sure she had any non-supplied but needed items. Make sure you are aware of any bumps/bruises and ask for explanations from the staff for the cause. Be proactive with the staff for any concerns you notice about hygiene and room cleanliness. They will usually try their best, but with responsibility for 40+ patients they are sometimes distracted. Expect frequent staff turnover, which can lead to confusion for the patients.

All of these things are frequent examples of behavior and memory observations we made over the 3+ years since she had a stroke leading to 'vascular dementia'. Enjoy her while you can and appreciate that her memory will be in overdrive trying to make sense of her situation. Prior to her stroke, my mother was living in her own independent living appt and managing all of her financial affairs. Prior to the stroke, she had written down her wishes for her funeral right down to bible verses and granddaughters singing Amazing Grace and The Lord's Prayer in addition to the party she wanted afterwards. To the letter, we followed all of those wishes last spring and enjoyed a large group of family members and long-time friends at the Memorial service and dinner afterwards.


Enjoy this time with your Mom and your father. You will grow from the experience and appreciate even more the time you have already spent with her and will spend with her now and into the future.

 

[Farro]

Just saying I'm sorry. My mom also has memory issues, getting worse, but she's still at home with my dad and he can still take care of her.
Thankfully for now hers is still extreme short-term memory loss. She still knows us very well, but I think I've told her one of my cats died about 100 times. We laugh about it all together, how we cope.

It's hard to witness. She's still my mom, but a completely different person than she was even just 2 years ago. But she's still very happy. It's my dad that kind of breaks my heart. They've been together almost 60 years. They are both 81 and he seems about 70 and still sharp as a tack! Mom still has a young face and laugh, but her walking and confusion give her age away.

But like I said, we are lucky that we don't have to face what you are facing just yet. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible for you and that you all have some peace and comfort!

 

[melk]

We brought pictures from home, her quilt, etc. And yes, label absolutely everything. Everyone had a memory box on the wall that locked. People filled them with pictures, moments, postcards, anything that they might find comforting.

A good idea might be a “guest book” for her room. Obviously she won’t be able to tell you if she’s had any visitors but with the book friends and family members can jot down when they came in, what kind of spirits she was in, what they talked about, things like that.

Encourage her to get involved in the activities. They’ll help keep her connected socially and keep her brain active. See if you can bring up some of her favorite foods (like if she loves Oreo cookies or something) that she can have as a snack and it retains a bit of normalcy from home.

I wish you well, it’s not an easy road, I’ve been there. Even if it’s a rocky start, stick with it, she will eventually settle in.

 

[tvguy]

Do you have Residential Care Facilities for the Elderly in your state? They are home like settings, in residential areas with a maximum of 6 residents and 24 hour staffing. I found one for my mom. Everything is provided, food, they do the residents laundry. I searched and researched and was told to stay away from large facilities because they are germ factories and the smaller facilities would be better to avoid illness. They charged $4,300 a month, do on the first on the month, no advance payment was required. I had to pay the bill each month, and my mom's long term care reimbursed my for about $3,800 each month.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Tour as many facilities as you can. Then go back and tour again the 1 or 2 you think are the best.
AS all above have stated: favorite clothing that is easily put on and LABEL all with her name. My sister and I brought in a few pictures for the walls, a comforter ( which after 2 years rarely is in her room), a comfortable chair so there is somewhere to sit when visiting and she is in her room. My mom has a TV mounted on her wall also. She rarely watches TV in her room alone though, she usually is out in the common area with her other "neighbors". But when I visit and she is in her room, I turn it on and we'll watch together.
My mom adapted extremely well. I hope the best for you mom too.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

A little tip:
I bought a small White Board with a Dry Eraser and it came with the stick- ons so it got mounted on the side of her bureau. I like writing important things on it. Example, I went on vacation recently and I put the dates I was leaving and then returning. Or I'll put that we have an upcoming appointment ( like a DR visit, dentist, or Xmas eve family gathering). It's also nice for the staff so they are aware of these things too.

 

[low-key]

I would look for one that has a Religious emphasis, (any religion) it seems when that runs thru the place, it keeps everyone trying to live to a higher code, but of course no guarantees. I never had to do this, good luck, that must be so hard

 

[ramee]

Be prepared for some creative stories - when we visited my mother, she had often just returned from a trip or had just had a visit from her parents (who have both been gone for 30 - 50 years now). Many of her stories were based on the facility itself, which she "recognized" as her college dorm in the pre-WW2 1940's. She frequently told us that my father had just returned from a business trip, event though he passed away 20 years ago.

Oh yes. My grandfather is in a memory ward. Before that, he kept trying to escape my mom’s house in the middle of the night “to catch a train to work.”

At the home, he talks about his visits from relatives that have long since passed. Visits from Trump and his wife. He thinks the parking lot is a car dealership next door. And that he’s on vacation in a nice hotel. It was hard at first but he settled in after a couple months.

The nurses call and keep my mom updated. She honestly doesn’t visit as much due to a very strained history and it only makes him agitated and angry when she does visit. Even in his condition, he seems to be thriving there and it’s been over a year. At home, he was deteriorating. Not eating. Falling. Being stubborn and my mom couldn’t make him do anything. But there, the nurses keep him in routine and healthy.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything else to contribute, but I’m wishing you and yours all the best.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

A friend of mine just had to do this with her Mom last month. Just want to say that she feels her mother is calmer now and more at ease than she was at home alone all day, maybe because it's more structured.

 

[nkereina]

Also, make it clear to anyone who normally would give her gifts that candles are NOT a good idea. Well-meaning people were always giving my relatives candles because they thought that the nice smell would help dispel the institutional odor of the place. Nice idea, but anything meant to be lit on fire will be instantly confiscated and thrown away. (Some places will allow the plug-in type air fresheners, but IME more will not; they are afraid the residents might ingest the liquid scents or knock them over and slip in the spilled oil.) Best "scented" items are toiletries.

This is a good point and something I would have never considered. I know that Yankee Candle has scent canisters that you simply open and set somewhere that releases a nice fragrance, and Bath & Body Works has Scent Portables which are meant for the car but can easily be clipped anywhere. Might be good alternatives if the person might like a more pleasant smell.

OP, I don't have experience here, but wish you well and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!

 

[DisneyHardin]

A good idea might be a “guest book” for her room. Obviously she won’t be able to tell you if she’s had any visitors but with the book friends and family members can jot down when they came in, what kind of spirits she was in, what they talked about, things like that.

My mom did this when my Grandma was in an assisted living. She bought a calendar and asked that guests put their name on the day that they visited.

 

[jo-jo]

My mom did this when my Grandma was in an assisted living. She bought a calendar and asked that guests put their name on the day that they visited.

Yes, good idea. When my son in law's grandma was just starting to have issues(still at home) , she would say she hadn't seen so and so for ages and it turned out they visited the day before.


We have a few dear saints of the church, who don't know who you are, but can sing all 5 verses of a hymn. Last time visiting we spend a good 20 mins singing. So if you mom loves any kind of music, start downloading to your phone. It will be handy when you don't know what else to say. Also worked well when the kids would visit. Kids might be shy, but would be willing to sing.

 

[Rockette]

I haven't put a parent into an assisted living facility, so I really can't help on that front. I have though put my sister (adult with CP and a few years older than me) into an assisted living. You've already found a facility, which is fantastic! I remember looking for my sister for the longest time, before my brother and I decided on buying a condo in a complex in the Phoenix area for a myriad of reasons. My reasons for my list might be different than yours, but I hope it still helps.

1. Pictures & photo albums. I still bring over new pictures with my sister and I constantly. I try to get out to Phoenix at least once a month to go out with her, even though she regularly goes out with community on regular trips. I take new pictures with her, and typically put one of the new ones on the wall and a bunch more in the photo album I had bought.
2. Bed sheets/comforter. Their community provides this, but it's a nice "home touch" to get into a super comfy bed.
3. Comfy clothes! She loves PJ tops so this is easy.
4. Calendar/white board: 9 times out of 10 I know when I'm headed back out there, and I typically write my dates I'm going to pick her up next on it so the community doesn't get it wrong.
5. Field trips & vacations. I take her out of there every chance I get, even though they go out pretty much every weekend as a community group.

 

[cabanafrau]

I have not been through this myself, but based on the experience of a few friends I want to remind you to be kind to yourself too. Accept that this isn't a decision that comes easily, and that it's one absolutely done in a loved one's best interest. Fully accept that the healthiest and best place for them is a place that is set up and staffed to deal with the needs of the patient, needs that are no longer fully possible with any amount of loving at home care.

Someone at our church has really struggled with this choice for several years after literally uprooting his family to take over his mother's care, his wife giving up her job to stay home to be there with his mom all day and doing absolutely everything they could to make sure she was safe and well cared for. He cannot shake the idea he failed his mother and it's completely changed their marriage and his health.

Do your best and remember that's all you can do. I hope you have good luck finding your mom a wonderful place and she transitions quickly and comfortably into her new surroundings.

 

[kirstenb1]

My FIL had already placed my MIL in memory care 3 yrs ago. Then he passed away, so we moved her to the same facility (Brookdale) here in Richmond. She recently passed away after 17 months here.

My thoughts are a little scattered on this, so bear with me. I wish we had used more common sense.

For instance, she always took great pride in her appearance, and liked her clothes very close fitting. So we tried to have her wear her same clothes. As her condition progressed, she increasingly needed more help getting dressed. We eventually bought loose fitting pull on pants and tops. Should have done this right away.

Also, as her condition progressed, she began taking more falls. They have to call you every time your family member takes a fall or complains of pain. Their protocol was to have her taken to the hospital to have her checked out. Again, we made a mistake in thinking she had to go to the hospital each time. She'd get there, and they'd start an IV, and she was so confused. She thought she owned the hospital, or that she worked there. Eventually, we realized we should just tell them to not transport her. Obviously, if she broke a bone, or had a serious injury, that would have been different.

Also, consider having a DNR put in place, at some point. We knew if my poor MIL had a heart attack, the resuscitation would probably be brutal. She'd probably be in a lot of pain, possibly with broken ribs, and confused about the whole ordeal.

This whole process is really tough, and I'm very sorry you guys are going through this. My final piece of advice is to take care of yourself and your Dad. My FIL would spend every day with my MIL, and for 6 hrs at a time. I think it really took a toll on his own health.

Lastly, throughout the year, I'd try to bring treats for the staff there. They work hard, for not a lot of pay.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

I just want to also send along hug and prayers. Please do as others have said be kind to and take care of yourself. I love the suggestions of a calendar or guest book especially space for visitors to write a greeting as well as church Hymns.

I was a caregiver to my Grandma for a few years. Looking back I absolutely know that extra time closer was a gift from God. I do wish I had taken better care of myself and realized that doing so was more than okay. I struggled also with our changing relationship however what mattered to me was even though knowledge and memory might have faded, recognition or cognition, love didn't. I would also recommend having support from nearby folks as well as perhaps further away family. Someone not physically present (through no fault of their own) just does not have the same perception of what your (and the person in care's) reality is. That was very frustrating to me at times because I felt like it was all on my shoulders. Take care and know your Mom is being cared for and is still as such by you. Once I better "got" that with my Grandma, it allowed me to more freely go visit her and enjoy the Blessing of doing so

God Bless you and may you know He is with you.