Time out for 17 month old?? Help!

[kerrynic78]

I am at my wit's end and need some advice!

My 17 month old DD has started pinching and grabbing her friend (who is 13 months and very tiny for her age). This has come out of nowhere and she has only been doing it to this 1 little girl. She is leaving marks from pinching her and I am beside myself wondering what to do. The mom is my friend and is totally understanding but I feel awful about it!

I called and spoke with the pediatrician who told me that it is a very difficult age b/c they don't know what they are doing but they need discipline. He told me when she does it, to put her in time out and isolate her from her friend so she knows what she is doing is wrong.

Well how the heck do you put a 17 month old in time out??? I tried it today and sat her in a chair in her room and she became hysterical, wanting me to pick her up and just followed me out of her room. There is no way she will stay in "time out".

Any advice at all would be great! This is my first and I am at a loss! I am so embarassed that my DD is being a bully

 

[Pollito916]

A lot of kids go through something like this, so don't feel like it is your fault!

DS is 16 months, and I have been giving him timeouts for the past 4 months, usually at least once a day! The only way it works for him is to put him in the pack and play (making sure there are no toys in it!) and leave the room for 1-2 minutes so I don't have to hear the screaming. He has gotten so used to it, that he doesn't always scream anymore, and just stands or sits there until I let him out. But there is NO WAY that he would just sit in a chair quietly, especially if I left the room. He must be locked in a cage!

Good luck, and I'm sure your daughter will get over the pinching soon!

 

[bas71873]

Stick to your guns....just keep picking her up and sitting her back in her timeout chair. It will be PAINFUL for the both of you but you will be very glad in the long run. My DD who is now 5, understands that there are consequences to her actions. It will be very hard, but you can do it....just try as best you can to tune out the temper tantrum (I can't tell you the number of times I have locked myself in my bathroom and screamed at the top of my lungs).....my SIL, gets in a closet and screams, yells and curses into a pillow

 

[toesmom]

my dd was just about 18 months when this habit started towards my niece who was 6 months older. Very difficult to deal with because you can't bite or pinch her back.

The solution? You may not want to hear it. At this age, you can't bite back, they really are frustrated for whatever reason and can't communicate it properly. So what do you do? You may have to stay away for a while.

My dd didn't do the biting to any other kids, just my niece. So we found other kids to play with until she outgrew that behavior with my niece (it did take a while).

I can't imagine how to discipline a 17 month old, and the only way to deal with it other than separating the kids, is to sit right there every second while they are together.

If you can do that, then by all means keep them playing. But if you can't guarantee the safety of the younger child by being able to stop the bite before it happens, then I think you owe it to the younger child to keep your dd away.

And it's not meant in a bad way, because I had the same experience. My dd was pretty bright and verbal, but still had this problem. It never occurred to me to bite her back or to give her a time out, because at 18 months, they are very young. My responsibility at the time was to watch my dd every second when she played with my niece. I didn't catch it at least one time, and my sister in law was ok at first, but after a few bites, wasn't quite as nice.

And I don't blame her. Who wants their child being bitten?

So, either sit there and watch every second (which is tough), or separate the kids for a while. Please don't hit her or bite/pinch her back. As she grows older, that behavior will naturally end. You can try to explain that it hurts, but they don't understand at that age.

Good luck

I see everyone is suggesting time outs. That's fine, but you do owe it to the other child to make sure your dd doesn't bite. Too late to give a time out after the little one is already bit or pinched (leaving a mark means it would have been a really hard pinch). Your friend (or her husband after a while) may not be so nice about the biting. And I don't think a 17 month old will stop biting even with time outs, since as your doctor said at that age they don't know/understand what they are doing.

And I re-read your post, it only happens with this one child, so again, if she doesn't do it to other kids, perhaps the best option for now, is to separate the kids or watch them every second so she doesn't have the chance to bite or pinch. Good luck

 

[bumbershoot]

From everything that I have read, timeouts aren't appropriate for those under 2.

And I wouldn't even LET that happen even once more. I wouldn't let the two alone, I'd be with them at all times, and if my 17 month old went after the other child I'd leap up and get her (if I had a female 17 month old). Prevention rather than punishment at that age.

I would also take it as a sign that the child is "done" with playtime. Before I had my son as soon as my friends' kids started acting up, I took it as a sign that they had had enough of the interaction with me, and of their mom interacting with me. I've always believed in honoring a child's feelings in that respect, and I would always leave at that point. There was never any conversation so important that it was worth making life hard on a brand new human.

 

[toesmom]

From everything that I have read, timeouts aren't appropriate for those under 2.

And I wouldn't even LET that happen even once more. I wouldn't let the two alone, I'd be with them at all times, and if my 17 month old went after the other child I'd leap up and get her (if I had a female 17 month old). Prevention rather than punishment at that age.

I would also take it as a sign that the child is "done" with playtime. Before I had my son as soon as my friends' kids started acting up, I took it as a sign that they had had enough of the interaction with me, and of their mom interacting with me. I've always believed in honoring a child's feelings in that respect, and I would always leave at that point. There was never any conversation so important that it was worth making life hard on a brand new human.

I totally agree. I loved hanging out with my niece and sister in law but when the biting started, it just couldn't continue. Now we're back to having coffee and chit chats since kids are older and don't need nearly as much supervision

 

[kerrynic78]

double post

 

[SmallWorld71]

JMHO - But I agree that time outs are ineffective under 2. In fact, you will likely be reinforcing the behavior by giving it so much attention. If your child pinches etc... take their hand, look directly at them, and simply say in a very serious voice, "NO PINCHING" and remove the child from the situation. Which at that age just means moving them on to a different activity or toy.
This is what was taught in all my child development classes and what I used with my children and I'm happy to report that their teachers tell me frequently that they wish all their students could be as well behaved.

Of course, as a PP said, prevention will go a long way.

 

[brymolmom]

I disagree about the ineffectiveness. DS didn't get a timeout until he was about 26 months old....dd is a totally different child in every way - 15 months for her. Remember when they were that little and you cut everything on their plates into tiny pieces? Well, day 1 she took the entire plate, looking at us, dumped it upside down over the high chair tray. Day 2 - she did the same thing - and thus began our early move to timeout.

We used the pack n play too - I had dh go get it and put it up in the mostly-unused dining room. It stayed there and she used it for about the next 6 months or so - till she moved to the regular timeout chair.

Oh and btw- she did not do the plate dumping thing again. She definitely 'got' it! Action and consequence.

And for this (and others like it) type of thing - there is no prevention available - unless I wanted to hold her hands or only give her a bite of food at a time, which is basically impossible while trying to give her brother dinner too. I think a lot of the prevention stuff works best when working with a single child (either only have one or the rest are more independent or whatever) - otherwise there is no way to watch and prevent all the time - we only have 2 eyes after all!

I say go for it and see if it works. It did for us.

 

[momof1princess]

i may get flamed for this, but i never claimed to be a perfect parent (and i'd like to meet someone who is), so here goes: my DD (who's 10 now) was about 18 months old or so when she started biting us-not other kids or adults, just us (DH and I). as a first-time parent, i asked my mom about it-her solution (albeit maybe not the best one)-bite her back! very gently, of course, basically just touching the teeth to the skin. it only took 2 x before DD realized she didn't like having it done to her, so she stopped doing it to us. was it right? maybe not, previous posters have suggested as much, but it was very effective, very quickly. had i thought it would work at that young age, i'd probably have tried time out, but her pediatrician suggested, as others have said, that it doesn't work well for children under age 2. i did find it very effective as she got a little older though, and used it up to the age i could start taking privileges away. stick with it, OP, you're doing the right thing disciplining your DD now-a lot of parents these days ignore this type of behavior or play it off (hence the need for the "what's with kids today?" thread). i think if you're consistent and let DD know you mean business, time out probably will work, even at her young age.

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

Best of luck my dd's are much older now but time out was wonderful for my dd7 when she was younger we had a spot in the hall we she would sit against the wall and yes she did cry but I would always walk to where she couldn't see me but I could see and hear her and it always worked. She didn't not like time out at all. I remember one time my dad was correcting her for something she did to him and he wiped her on the butt w/ his hand not hard but he was stern and she just laughed at him well he got so mad and told me to correct her so I put and time out and you would have thought I beat her.

 

[tazdev3225]

I agree with momof1. I watch my grandchildren for my daughters. DGS#1 started biting DGS#2 when he as about 18 months old. I bit him just enough for him to get the idea. After the second time he never did it again. I have also been putting him in timeout since he was 16 months. I never put him there for more than a minute or two and stood right next to him. He screamed at first until he realized I was not going to give in. He is now 25 months and all i have to say is chair and he climbs right in it. He still misbehaves, it is the terrible 2's for a reason, but he is learning that there are consequences for his actions. And he also knows that grandmom will tell him why he is there and give him a big hug when he gets down.

 

[3goofyboys]

18 months might be a little young, you know your child best and if you think it might work, give it a try. We started time outs with my older DS when he was about 18 months old, and we just had to be super consistent and keep putting him back in time out every time he got up. It took a few sessions of this before he realized we weren't going to give up and it was easier just to sit there. Now, I just have to give him "the look" and he knows he'd better correct his behavior or TO it is.

 

[brymolmom]

Oh - I forgot to post when I posted earlier about success with timeout at 15 months old that my now 4.5 year old little girl is very well behaved. Her babysitter is very depressed that she's off to Kindergarten next year since
she is the best one of group.

Don't get me wrong - she's no angel - and likely any child who is doing behavior needing punishment at such a young age is likely going to be a 'handful' due to that type of personality.

So it definitely did NOT scar her or anything. Not sure what the child development experts think will happen....but it worked for us.

 

[Munchkin'sMommy]

My son is 25 months and I have been using time outs on since he was around 16-18 months. I have found it to be a very effective tool for him. Since he his very active and wants to be playing all day long, time outs are toture for him because he can't get out of his crib while he is in a time out. He stays in there about 5 minutes or until he has calmed down. Ususally all I have to say is "do you want a time out?" and he'll chill out because he knows what that means--no playtime, no fun, and no attention from Mommy because I leave the room. We work with a Child Development Specialist because my son is developmetnally delayed and she suggested to leave him in his crib and go to the other room. Because once a child realizes that he is not receiving any sort of attention for HIS negative behavior, the bad behavior will stop. She said the worst thing in a child's mind is to not receive any sort of attention from their parents. So as soon as they realize they are not getting the attention, they will revert back to the good behavior because they want attention and praise from the parents. And I have to tell you, this was really hard for DH and I at first. Because you want to cave in to the bad behavior just to get it ti stop, but our son realizes now that bad behavior is not rewarded nor will it ever be in our home and the tantrums and time outs are becoming few and far between. We try to recognize him when he does somthing good like picking up his toys or helping clean up after he's made a mess or when he has learned to do something new like a new word or has mastered a new task like climbing on the slide at the park.
Now of course, being a typical 2 year old we still have our moments like we did Friday am at Old Navy because he pitched a blood curdling screaming fit because I told him not to touch a display Can you say major timeout and big time trouble when we got to the car?

Another thing you can try that was suggested to us by his Specialist is to hold him when he his mad and thowing a fit. What you do is sit him on your lap, with him facing out and then you just bear hug him until he stops screaming, crying, whatever. But the key is for you not to talk to him while you are holding him. No communication whatsoever. Just hug him tight until he calms down. Once he calms down, then let him go about his business. They key here is to let him calm down but not rehash the incident that got him in trouble. You may have to hold him for quite a few minutes the first time and gradually you won't have to hold him as long. The first time I did it with my son, I held him for almost 10 minutes and he screamed and hollered. Now when I do it, its maybe 2 minutes or less. But I only do this when he is completely out of control and not even a time out will work.

I know some of this sounds kind of extreme and it did to me at first as well. But we work with entire team of professionals including his pedi and this is the plan everyone came up to help head off some of the behavorial issures we were having with the kid and it does work. Well, it works for him. I was at my wits end with him and thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown because his behavior was so bad and and on top of all the drama, he was only sleeping 4-5 hour per night. I was ready to drop dead from exhaustion and frustration. But he has gotten better and hopefully things will get better for you as well.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[estherhead]

You may not like this advice, but every child is different. My 1st baby was a biter BIG TIME! I had to take her out of several Mommy & Me classes because I could not get her to stop biting, and, yes, we tried everything including biting her back. That totally didn't work. 16 months to 24 months is a very hard time socially as they don't understand that other kids are people & not just part of the room or another toy. They don't get it. Some kids at this age are so hard to deal with & only staying at home away from other people works, some are just naturally obedient (my middle daughter was an angel) or like my current baby (16 months) she responds really well my Mean Mommy "No." If that doesn't work I give her a finger tap (you know, almost like a poke but with the front of your finger instead of the end, it doesn't hurt at all, just gets their attention.)

Twice, I've lightly smacked her outer thigh. I tried this with my other kids & it had NO effect at all. But with this kid it has worked great. She was playing with the electrical socket & would not respond to my or dh's NO & it went on several days so one day while she was doing it & after the "No" I went up and smacked her thigh while saying no firmly but not scary. She now walks by the electrical socket & looks at it, but will not touch it. I always thought I wasn't a spanking parent, but I think what I should have said was I didn't have spanking kids.

Bottom line, each parent & each kid must find their way & you'll have to adapt your discipline for each age (at this point it could be changing daily!) and if you have more kids anything you learned from this kid, just throw out the window! But don't give up on discipline. As tired as disciplining from 16-24 months makes you, I promise the pay off is soooo worth it when you have the most obedient 2.5 to 4 year old on the block!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I wouldn't recommend time-out for a 17 month old. By the time you get them out of a situation and try to get them to sit, they will have forgotten the incident. They're just too young to connect the punishment with the crime. It will become a battle of wills to get her to sit but will not correct the targeted behavior.

A child at that age needs to be corrected immediately for an undesired behavior. Next time she plays with her friend, sit right next to her on the floor. Each time she pinches or reaches out to pinch, take her hand and give her a firm "no" or "no, that hurts." Directions at this age should be kept very short with no long explanations. You need to do this every single time she tries to pinch. She will start to figure out that pinching is not OK. When you see that she's starting to get it, you can back off a little but still sit nearby. Keep correcting the behavior until it is gone. This is a form of behavior modification that works with very young kids. Good luck!

 

[Taja]

Okay, not a parent, and this is just one incident from when my cousin't elder DD was about a year old (she's now the mother of a toddler!).

I don't remember what she was doing, but it was something she was repeatedly told not to do. Her father (my cousin) was on daughter duty. He told her to get in a specific chair in the family room, sit and be quiet for 20 minutes. Every time she moved or opened her mouth, tried to cry or sniffle, he gave her "the look" and said "sit." After about 15 minutes, she fell asleep.

Lesson learned: you cannot put a young child in time out and expect them to follow orders. You have to be right with them and enforce the time out from beginning to end. Boring and time consuming? Absolutely! Do they learn? With any luck--yes! *LOL*

 

[mommy2allyandaveri]

DD is a little over 18 months and we recently started doing time outs as well. Usually when she would start her screaming no's. We haven't really had the hitting problem much, although that will also land her booty in the timeout chair. We have a little kid size chair in the dining room (away from us) and we walk her over there and sit her down in it. She sits there until she stops crying, usually no more than 2 minutes then we go get her and we talk to her, which usually gets her crying again...

The first couple of times were hard because she would get up and we would have to put her right back in it. A couple of times she would try and sneak back out to the family room, yea like we don't see you

Anyhow, it worked really well for DD1 and we are hoping to have the same success with DD2.

You can do it

 

[barnaby1]

I am lucky in that I have never had the hitting or biting issue but at around 18months I wouldn't do a time out with my dd (never have actually and she is now 27months) but what I did do which I found very effective if she was misbehaving was to walk away from her and say that when she was ready to behave she could come and get me. It would be around 30 to 60 seconds usually and along she would come and say "ready" and I would say "great" with a big smile and the episode was forgotten.
If she did something like you mention which was not acceptable I would remove her, take her face gently in my hands and say calmly that "hitting / biting etc is unacceptable".
I agree with others that sitting with and preventing the episode is more important than discipline post problem.

One thought I did have is that maybe it is her way of telling you your not paying her enough attention in her eyes (if your'e chatting to the other childs mother etc).

There is no one solution as all children and parents are different.