Thoughts on family cookouts - blended families

[jen0610]

Sitting here listening to my co-worker vent about her live-in boyfriends family. I see things differently and think she is making a mountain outta a mole hill.

She's divorced with 3 kids - 23, 22, and 20. All three live on their own. Two are living with their boy/girl friend and the 3rd one is newly dating a girl. The live in girl friend has custody of her son from previous relationship. So "her family" count is 7.

He's divorced with 2 kids - 10 and 8. They live with mom, but visit every other week, this weekend being a weekend with dad. "His family" count is 2.

His mom called last night and asked if the two of them and his kids wanted to come over Sat for a cookout. Said the meat market they go to had a really good price on some steaks and they grabbed a couple extra.

She's ticked and said she's not going, because once again, her family is not being invited. Her stance is, if you invite her, you need to include her family, not just his kids.

My thought is, his family was inviting those that live within the household that is their sons - ie his partner and his kids. Her kids are grown adults that live on their own and would not be included in a dinner invite. There's a big difference between 3 ADULT (plus their dates and extras) children living on their own and 2 YOUNG children living with a parent.

One of the other ladies pointed out that they had a couple of extra steaks and thought it would be nice to have you guys over. Her responce is, they should have gotten enough steaks to feed all of them if they were going to invite them over.

I just don't get it. Why do his parents need to have your kids over when they don't even live with you. The one kid was invited over several times last summer - when he lived with them, but now that he's out living on his own he didn't. They are just having you guys over for a dinner cooked out on the grill. It's not some big get together. It's just them 2 and you 4.

And the other shoe, she has her kids over all the time for dinner and/or cookouts, but doesn't ever invite his parents or sibilings and their families over.

 

[RitaE]

uh, it sounds to me like Grandma wants to see her grandkids?


How long have these two been together? If it's been a couple of years and her live-ins parents have only known her kids as adults, I think it is just looking for drama to expect "You're just another grandchild to me!" behavior.

 

[scrapquitler]

Sitting here listening to my co-worker vent about her live-in boyfriends family. I see things differently and think she is making a mountain outta a mole hill.

She's divorced with 3 kids - 23, 22, and 20. All three live on their own. Two are living with their boy/girl friend and the 3rd one is newly dating a girl. The live in girl friend has custody of her son from previous relationship. So "her family" count is 7.

He's divorced with 2 kids - 10 and 8. They live with mom, but visit every other week, this weekend being a weekend with dad. "His family" count is 2.

His mom called last night and asked if the two of them and his kids wanted to come over Sat for a cookout. Said the meat market they go to had a really good price on some steaks and they grabbed a couple extra.

She's ticked and said she's not going, because once again, her family is not being invited. Her stance is, if you invite her, you need to include her family, not just his kids.

My thought is, his family was inviting those that live within the household that is their sons - ie his partner and his kids. Her kids are grown adults that live on their own and would not be included in a dinner invite. There's a big difference between 3 ADULT (plus their dates and extras) children living on their own and 2 YOUNG children living with a parent.

One of the other ladies pointed out that they had a couple of extra steaks and thought it would be nice to have you guys over. Her responce is, they should have gotten enough steaks to feed all of them if they were going to invite them over.

I just don't get it. Why do his parents need to have your kids over when they don't even live with you. The one kid was invited over several times last summer - when he lived with them, but now that he's out living on his own he didn't. They are just having you guys over for a dinner cooked out on the grill. It's not some big get together. It's just them 2 and you 4.

And the other shoe, she has her kids over all the time for dinner and/or cookouts, but doesn't ever invite his parents or sibilings and their families over.

I can see both sides. But generally, I agree with you. Once the "kids" are grown up and living on their own, they don't necessarily get invited to every get together. In my family, if I were inviting people over for a casual meal on a weekend, I probably wouldn't include their adult children. If it were a graduation party or a Memorial Day picnic, I would invite everyone. It's the difference of something small and casual versus something more organized.

 

[sksjasams]

Wow, people are weird. She is definitely over thinking this and reading too much into it. It is her thinking that is out of wack, not his mom's.

Her kids are adults and have their own families/households now. It almost seems like she is trying to stir up trouble. Now, if his mom would have invited her BF and his kids but not her, that would be another story.

 

[LilyWDW]

I think, since the kids are out and living their own lives, that invitations to things like cookouts do not have to include them. The coworker is getting upset over nothing. They had a couple of extra steaks and wanted to share. So, every time someone invited the coworker somewhere, they have to invite her whole "family"?

I mean, I could understand if it was a holiday type of thing (Thanksgiving or Christmas), but for a basic cookout?

 

[Hannathy]

She is being totally unreasonable. You don't invite your adult children to everything once they have moved out.

Now if she had a 16 yr old living at home and they were excluding them I could see being upset but not adults out on their own.

 

[NMAmy]

DH and I have a blended family with adult kids. She's way out of line. That's just crazy--I don't expect dd to be invited everywhere we go nor would she expect that.

 

[jen0610]

uh, it sounds to me like Grandma wants to see her grandkids?


How long have these two been together? If it's been a couple of years and her live-ins parents have only known her kids as adults, I think it is just looking for drama to expect "You're just another grandchild to me!" behavior.

They have been together for just going on 2 years. I think you can count on 1 hand the number of times his parents have been around her oldest 2. The youngest 1, they have seen more, because until 2 months ago, he lived with mom and the boyfriend.

I can see both sides. But generally, I agree with you. Once the "kids" are grown up and living on their own, they don't necessarily get invited to every get together. In my family, if I were inviting people over for a casual meal on a weekend, I probably wouldn't include their adult children. If it were a graduation party or a Memorial Day picnic, I would invite everyone. It's the difference of something small and casual versus something more organized.

I totally agree with you. If it were a holiday that she would normally spend time with her kids, then ya extend the offer. But just to have someone over for a simple dinner.

I think, since the kids are out and living their own lives, that invitations to things like cookouts do not have to include them. The coworker is getting upset over nothing. They had a couple of extra steaks and wanted to share. So, every time someone invited the coworker somewhere, they have to invite her whole "family"?
I mean, I could understand if it was a holiday type of thing (Thanksgiving or Christmas), but for a basic cookout?

I know in our household, there is no way I could invite an additional 7 people over for a steak cook out, no matter how good the price was. Burgers, hot dogs, brats - heck ya. If I had an extra 7 steaks laying around, DH, the kids, and I would have ourselves a couple of nice dinners ourselves.

 

[mvazul]

I have to agree with you. Both of my parents are remarried. I have never been invited to either new family's home for any reason. I have never met my father's wife's family. She has two grown sons who were very excited they would have new "sisters". I find that strange. I have still never met them and it's been 9 years.

When my mother got remarried, I was not even introduced to her husband's parents. My mother has two step-sons who were in middle school when she got married. I don't see them as my "brothers", either. I was 31 years old, married with two kids of my own. These boys - who are now grown with one in college and the other in the military - really don't want anything to do with our family.

I am more than okay with all of this. My parents are friends. Christmas, 2005 was spent at my mother's house with her new husband, his boys, my father, his wife, my sister my husband and our daughter. It was really nice, but odd. I think your coworker needs to get over it. There are bigger issues to deal with.

Just my two cents.

Michelle

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, I think this co-worker is way overboard in thinking that her grown adult kids should be invited to this grandmothers time to enjoy her grandchildren.

If Coworker wants to encourage these relationships... and I am not so sure she should... Then SHE should plan a cook-out and invite who she wants.

Call me old fashioned...
But, at this point.. with families divorced and kids adults, etc... and nobody is actually married... I really don't see very much of a link between this grandmother (who just wants to see her grandchildren) and all the other numerous grown adult offspring, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc...

IMHO, this coworkers expectations are not realistic.

 

[dzorn]

I can see both sides. But generally, I agree with you. Once the "kids" are grown up and living on their own, they don't necessarily get invited to every get together. In my family, if I were inviting people over for a casual meal on a weekend, I probably wouldn't include their adult children. If it were a graduation party or a Memorial Day picnic, I would invite everyone. It's the difference of something small and casual versus something more organized.

Wow, people are weird. She is definitely over thinking this and reading too much into it. It is her thinking that is out of wack, not his mom's.

Her kids are adults and have their own families/households now. It almost seems like she is trying to stir up trouble. Now, if his mom would have invited her BF and his kids but not her, that would be another story.

I think, since the kids are out and living their own lives, that invitations to things like cookouts do not have to include them. The coworker is getting upset over nothing. They had a couple of extra steaks and wanted to share. So, every time someone invited the coworker somewhere, they have to invite her whole "family"?

I mean, I could understand if it was a holiday type of thing (Thanksgiving or Christmas), but for a basic cookout?

She is being totally unreasonable. You don't invite your adult children to everything once they have moved out.

Now if she had a 16 yr old living at home and they were excluding them I could see being upset but not adults out on their own.

Yep I agree and assume most from here on will also. Casual BBQ no need to invite everyone. If it was some holiday or special celebration it would be another story.

With her way I could not just invite my Mom and DSis over for dinner, but have to include my 4 other sibling, their spouses and children. So I would be expected to go from 6 people to 40.

Denise in MI

 

[sharbear]

I think she didn't want to go over to her MIL's house and was finding an excuse to suit her.

 

[204charity]

She sounds WAY immature to me! Let it go lady....your kids don't live at home with you anymore, so they are NOT going to be invited to every shindig the family has! Whooo - I don't know if I'd want this drama queen to be my step-mom! (no offence to your friend, but REALLY?!?) Let it go.....

 

[jen0610]

Yep I agree and assume most from here on will also. Casual BBQ no need to invite everyone. If it was some holiday or special celebration it would be another story.

With her way I could not just invite my Mom and DSis over for dinner, but have to include my 4 other sibling, their spouses and children. So I would be expected to go from 6 people to 40.

Denise in MI

Nobody here at works agrees with her either, but nobody is really saying anything disagreeing with her, otherwise she'll be all kinds of ticked off and it wouldn't be a fun place to work for a few days.

She got all bent outta shape when his parents had their 50th wedding anniversary. They took their kids (3 of them), their partners (2 are married and these two had just been dating 3-4 months) and their grandkids out to dinner and picked up the tab. After dinner, they went back to the parents house and the parents had invited several of their friends over for cake and visiting. She was ticked that they never said anything about having her kids over.

Glad to known that we aren't the only ones who think she is a bit extreme in her idea.

 

[bumbershoot]

Sounds like she just likes her family to be fed for free.


I had to not invite one acquaintance to my wedding because I would have invited her partner (I invited dates if I knew the potential date's name...I didn't "and guest" anyone, but specifically found out serious girl/boyfriend's names) and I KNEW KNEW KNEW that he would bring his kids and set them loose on the food, even if they weren't invited.

The man later showed up at my baby shower when not even my husband was invited (which I was bummed about b/c I wanted him there too because he would have appreciated it SO much more than I did), and *took food away* for his kids. He showed up to "say hi" to his girlfriend, who had been invited by one of my friends who planned the shower (and decided I didn't have enough friends so invited HERS). I'm sure this behavior will continue long after they are grown....

 

[Crystal824]

She sort of sounds like my MIL. Whenever she gets invited to an extended family member's event (wedding, gradulation party, etc), she tries to get us to tag along. I always say no unless we actually receive an invitation (or phone call inviting us), we aren't crashing. She thinks because she received an invitation or casual invite it includes the whole family.

Maybe that was the case when DH was living with them. We have been married for 5 years and have our own house and kid. I feel that if they wanted to invite us, they could have sent us an invitation to our own address or called us without going through MIL.

 

[lizabu]

I agree with you. Her kids don't even live at home and are old enough to have their own lives. Why would they even want to go? She's acting jelous and overly dramatic.

 

[RitaE]

Next time she makes a fuss ask her when was the last time her adult children invited this woman over to their houses for steak?

Then report back because I'd really like to know.

 

[mvazul]

Next time she makes a fuss ask her when was the last time her adult children invited this woman over to their houses for steak?

Then report back because I'd really like to know.

 

[disykat]

She is being totally unreasonable. You don't invite your adult children to everything once they have moved out.

Now if she had a 16 yr old living at home and they were excluding them I could see being upset but not adults out on their own.

I agree with everyone else!

Sorry, I think this co-worker is way overboard in thinking that her grown adult kids should be invited to this grandmothers time to enjoy her grandchildren.

If Coworker wants to encourage these relationships... and I am not so sure she should... Then SHE should plan a cook-out and invite who she wants.

Call me old fashioned...
But, at this point.. with families divorced and kids adults, etc... and nobody is actually married... I really don't see very much of a link between this grandmother (who just wants to see her grandchildren) and all the other numerous grown adult offspring, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc...

IMHO, this coworkers expectations are not realistic.

I also agree with this. I would guess the last thing her adult children want is to be expected to regularly attend "family dinner" with their mother's boyfriend's parents.