Thoughts gone

[SnowAngel]

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[poohandwendy]

Ok, you asked, LOL (this is going to be very long):

Your thoughts are pretty scattered right now, probably due to having WAY too much on your plate. (as a result it is hard for us to understand what is going on with your life because you are rambling from one issue to another and back).

Sister friend, you need to organize your mind and then your life!

First of all, concentrate on only ONE issue at a time:

1) Your marriage

a) First and foremost, sit down with your husband and tell him he needs to make an appt with a doctor ASAP for a complete physical and to evaluate him for signs of clinical depression. No self-respecting man goes that long without a job and doesn't have issues with depression. He obviously started out as a productive member of society (armed services), but something somewhere along the way threw him off and he needs to get back on track.

The things he is doing (not doing) are signs that he needs help asap. You will get nowhere with a person who feels like they are barely keeping their head above water. You also may be clinically depressed, I don't know, get yourself checked as well. Don't let shame get in your way, it is very common for people who deal with long-term stress to get out-of-whack and need help getting back on track. PLEASE check into it. You will not be able to do the rest of what I am talking about without both of you having a clear head.

b) You really need to discuss a game plan. Are you both committed to saving this marriage? Because it is failing fast. You are suffering financially, your are not attacking your problems as a team, you are resenting each other and you are allowing outside sources to control your life. Time to pull it all together and work together. Make a list of MOST important things to address. Write it down. Lists help disorganized minds. If you slip up, and you will, remember this:

If you were stranded in a small life raft on the ocean and fell out... you would try to get back in the raft. You wouldn't just give up hope, right? And you certainly wouldn't blame your spouse for losing their grip and falling out, you would just do everything you could to help him/her back in. Keep getting back in the raft if you fall out. Keep helping each other to get back in if they fall. Do it as many times as you need to, your life DOES depend on it. (I hope this metaphor makes sense to you, LOL)

c) Quit the blame game immediately, you both are in this together. It does NOT matter how you got here, it matters that you work together to get out of it, TOGETHER.

d) Do what you can to get marital counselling, together and seperately. I cannot stress this enough. (check local churches, free)

e) Do not allow outside forces (family members) to be a part of your decision making or influence. They are NOT in this with you. The have their own lives and responsibilities. Your team is you and your DH, there is no room for outside 'help'. None of their business, regardless of their past interference or ''help''.

2. Your Finances:

a) Sit down and figure out what you spend, what you owe, what you have and what you need to do to cut back and stop allowing him to pretend that this will go away. This needs to be a joint effort with NO BLAME for the past, but a list of what you will do NOW to improve the situation.

b) DH needs a job immediately, even if it is a temporary one flipping burgers for minimum wage. He needs to be contributing to the finances. You obviously are not doing well with just your income. He needs to step up to the plate. And he will feel better about himself if he is contributing.

c) Do not accept any more money from family members. It is not helping, it is hurting your life. It is a temporary band-aid with a razor attached. Tough to do, but critical.

3. Your household/family life/intimate relationship:

a) Get more paper, yes...another list....divide household chores in a fair and practical way and keep that list visible with his name next to his chores and yours next to your chores. It will make you both feel productive and respect each other more if you BOTH are carrying some of the daily burden. Check off completed tasks daily, as you go. It feels great to complete even the most mundane task. It is a visible reminder that you are succeeding, improving and working together. BUT, caution...do not use this list as a competition with you both opposing competitors, this is not a race. Allow room for failure. One or both of you will have good days and bad days. It is not the end of the world. Praise each other for accomplishments, don't dwell on mistakes or setbacks.

b) Take time together, EVERY DAY, to enjoy things as a family unit. A half an hour, whatever, but make it a priority, this is what you are working for...remind yourself of the blessings you have. Your children need to feel the strength in your family and they need your undivided attention.

c) This one sounds silly but is really, really helpful. Hold eachother for 10 SOLID minutes every day (a hug, lay together, whatever). Put it on your list if you need to and don't cheat yourself on the time. 10 solid minutes of physical contact will help to melt away stress, anger, resentment and force you to physically and mentally connect. Your children need to see their parents working together, loving each other.

4. Your other family relationships and obligations:

a) Type out a game plan on how you are planning on solving your problems, thank your FIL for his past help, apologize for any past disappointments or misunderstandings and tell him that you will be making ALL decisions without outside help or interference. Send it in an email or letter. Make it crystal clear that you are a rock, solid team and that his input will not be required or welcomed. Be sure to be polite but firm about this. Sign it from your DH and from you.

b) Do not engage in a battle over your personal or financial life with ANYONE outside of your marriage. They will adjust, but only if you make it absolutely clear that you are going it alone. If that burns some bridges, so be it. People who love you will support your efforts, not chastize or reprimand you for not being perfect. You HAVE to learn to do it without outside 'help'. You CAN do it without outside help.



Notice the order of the things I list...your marriage is at the top and your FIL is at the bottom. Also notice, I put your financial situation above your family life. I only did that because it obviously is a major stressor right now that needs immediate attention. Eventually it should be lower on the list. But your extended family members should ALWAYS remain on the bottom of the list, after all of your immediate family's needs are met.

You really need to get those priorities lined up, even in your mind. When you married, you promised to be a team...alone, without family members making decisions and having input. Get back to the basics and it will all fall together. It will be tough and it will seem impossible at times, but so worth it. Have patience with yourself and with eachother. This is the long haul. Nothing happens overnight.

This is just a basic outline of taking charge of your life, use it as a generic guide to make your own list...line up your priorities. You are allowing the drama of your FIL issues to cloud the big picture, getting your life in order. I wish you all the best, pm me if you need to talk.

You can get past this mess and so can your DH. Have faith, keep your chin up... you are human. We all make mistakes. Get past the blame and move on to a better, more positive life. It is waiting for you both to make it happen.

If your DH is unwilling to work on it immediately, perhaps you need to decide if you are a team or not. I hope so. Either way, organize yourself and prepare to take charge of your life.

Above all else, remember to keep getting back into the life raft...and hold onto each other...

I hope you read my advice in the tone it was intended, compassionate and concerned.

Good luck to you!

take care,
wendy

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to say I agree with p&w. Follow her plan to down to the tinest detail. It will help you get your life back.
Good Luck!

 

[Morganpics]

re: poohandwendy's advice.
Snowangel: It will be hard, but you can do it. Prayers and PD sent your way.

 

[goofy4tink]

Wendy gave you some really terrific advice. I am sorry you have to go through this. Maybe some of Wendy's advice will help you and your dh. Yes, when we borrow money it tends to make the 'giver' feel entitled to help us run our lives. I found that out very early. Try to get away from you fil's influence due to money lending. Sit your dh down and make up a budget with him. Get him to the dr. and have a check-up. He needs to be working. Not only for the addtl. income but for his own self-esteem!!! Best of luck to you. I hope you can work it all out.

 

[poohandwendy]

Thanks MM, Morganpics and G4T, I was hoping I wouldn't come across as overbearing in my post. I really think the OP and her DH need a relationship overhaul...and quick.

Just wanted to add: Remember to deal with one issue at a time. I know it is overwhelming to try to change so many aspects of your life. You will only cause even more stress if you try to accomplish everything super quickly or expect your DH to master a whole new way of life in a day, week or month. It took a long time to dig the hole you are in, it will take a long time to get out of it.

Take it slow and make sure the energy you use is spent on things that take you a few steps forward rather than back, even if it is only baby steps.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Some men can "handle" being a SAHD. Most would have a hard time with it esp. considering his circumstances. Think about it.
You both were military and HE got booted out and you continued on...that is enough to send a man to the looney bin or in your case clinical depression.

He is a man that is lost and turned to his dad for help instead of working with his partner in life, YOU!
You NEED to get him away from his dad, money, advice. The dad is perpetuating your dh's "state" by allowing him to continue at "status quo".

You can get him away from him by coming together and creating a plan of action.

And don't feel guilty about your spending, bankruptcy, etc...Did you know that people overspend when they are in this situation because they feel it is hopeless?

You have to be strong now.

 

[snoopy]

I haven't read any of the responses, but I'm going to go with my gut here and tell you I think its possible, since you rarely talk with your FIL, that your husband has painted a very different picture to his his father then what he has told you. He might even be telling his father that you are the one who is not working, that you are the bad influence.

Either way, I'd do what I could to get the money back to him, and make a very clear timeline in getting DH back to work. I could never tolerate a man who didn't hold up to his end of the bargain. Sounds like you are financially able to run a household, you seem to be the one doing it now. If I were you, I'd be giving ultimatums. That is my opinion, of course, and easy for me to say since I don't walk in your shoes.

{{{hope everything works out for the best. Good luck to you}}}

 

[poohandwendy]

Snowangel,

I really hope my post did not cause you to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable and make you want this thread closed. If it did, I sincerely apologize.

My best to you,
wendy

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
Snowangel,

I really hope my post did not cause you to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable and make you want this thread closed. If it did, I sincerely apologize.

My best to you,
wendy

Wendy, I thought your post was very good advice and it didn't sound condescending at all. I actually passed some of what you wrote along to a friend of mine who has a similiar issue as the OP.

I can't speak for the OP, but I wanted to say thank you. That was very well put.

 

[poohandwendy]

Thanks for the compiment EX,
I really was trying to be helpful. I know that it is hard putting your personal life out there for all the world to pick apart. I wish all the best for the OP and for your friend!

 

[meandtheguys2]

Wow, P&W, you really take the time to make an effort! It shows often in your posts. That is really kind of you. You also seem to make a true effort not to come across in a mean or condescending way.

 

[snoopy]

Wendy, I just read your response, you are always so well spoken and this post is no exception. I too appreciate the time you put in to your responses, realizing there is a real human behind the pixels on the screen.

I just hope I wasn't the one who was harsh in my response. I usually try hard not to be, but I'm afraid that she asked for it to be closed right after I posted, I might have offended her. I sure hope not.

 

[SnowAngel]

I just want all to know I didn't take offense to Wendy's post. It was really good advice and appreciate the effort she took to write it. She's a great person with great advice. I do plan on following a lot of it. Anyone with personal problems would benefit from the advice.

Snoopy. You didn't cause to close it. You gave good advice also. I actually didn't read it until I closed out my post.

I just want to thank everyone again and say I appreciate you letting me put my thoughts out there for awhile. My thoughts needed to be picked apart and advice to be given. My closing this has nothing to do with the other posters but with my thoughts. They just wanted to hide back in my head again.

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL...y'all make me blush...thank you...I guess manicurist school has finally paid off! Let's just say I have been there, done that (not the same scenario, but some things apply to many different problems) And what I haven't experienced, my clients have....What good is learning from the 'school of hard knocks' if you can't share some of it to others who may benefit?

My thoughts needed to be picked apart and advice to be given. They just wanted to hide back in my head again.

I can totally understand that!

 

[poohandwendy]

I just hope I wasn't the one who was harsh in my response. I usually try hard not to be, but I'm afraid that she asked for it to be closed right after I posted, I might have offended her. I sure hope not.

I don't think so at all Snoopy, we all bring soemthing to the table and you made really great points! That is what makes these boards so great, all of the different objective viewpoints.

I wish we had an anonymous board where people could get advice without feeling they would be forever stained in the eyes of the masses by one venting post...

we all have had problems, hopefully we can help each other....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Good Luck to you! We have all been there in some form or another.