Thoughts gone

[SnowAngel]

..
I want to thank everyone for their help. I have read some really good advice here; good sound advice. I do tend to ramble on when stressed so much so I can barely understand myself sometimes. Thanks for listening when I don't even want to listen to myself.

Just closing up my thoughts. They decided to close up shop and head back home.

Thanks again for letting me get my vent out

 

[wdwmom2]

I have no advice. Wouldn't even know where to start. But here is a .

 

[Christine]

First off, realize that WHENEVER you take a loan from somebody, they always think that they are then in charge of your spending. It is not right, but, as the person loaning money and trying to help someone get on their feet, it is very tough to swallow when you see someone wasting the loan money. Your DH should have taken the money and returned what he did not use. No BK, no lunch out etc. If you are borrowing money because you are broke, you need not be dining out. This is the kind of stuff that will keep you down. Having said all that, this doesn't give the man the right to run your life. It sounds like he is a control freak. It also sounds like he loves running your DH's life and always has. This is probably why your DH has never accepted responsibility and does not do what he needs do. Dad has always bailed him out and taught him to place blame on someone else. Until your DH faces up to this, you are probably always going to be the scapegoat and the bad guy here. You FIL does not like you taking away his influence over his son. If your son does not see that, the relationship is probably doomed.

 

[flaps]

 

[DawnCt1]

Snow Angel, Do you have any of your family near by? It sounds like you are carrying the full load. Is there a reason why DH isn't working, even if its a low paying job. It wouldn't be for just a pay check but because he needs to step up to the plate. I feel so sorry that you are carrying this all by yourself. If you move closer to FIL, will there be anyone there that you can feel close to?

 

[CajunDixie]

I think I'd send an email back to the FIL set him straight about who is and isn't working in your family and who blew the extra money. Don't let the blame lie on your shoulders!!!
I remember one time M-I-L complaining about DH and I getting drunk with B-I-L & S-I-L at parties. I nipped that in the bud pretty quick and let her know I have never in my life been drunk! When DH and I do parties we take turns drinking with him taking more turns. Not to mention he drinks beer every night when he gets home and smokes. Funny how she didn't know that but yet DH talks to her alllll the time.

 

[luckywife]

I think if it were me, I'd send him an email right back telling him how I feel and exactly how things are. It might not do any good but I think letting someone know how you feel and where you're coming from can make you feel so much better. Sure, it may not solve the problem but at least you'll have your say and will be sticking up for yourself. Don't take the blame or the heat for something you had nothing to do with. Take care and best of luck to all of you.

 

[RobinMarie]

Did you see the email your DH sent to FIL? I'd be curious if anything was said that invited such harsh criticism.

I suspect your DH is incredibly talented at pitting people against each other and has managed to do so with two people who organize his life. See how your dh ends up not having to take responsibility for any of this?

I say don't take the bait from FIL and deal directly with your DH. Your FIL did not send YOU an email. I would deal directly with your DH.

The same as the OP, I am asking myself why the husband WANTED his wife to read an email which was so insulting. He must have known it would create hurt feelings. I wonder about the intent.

Best of luck to you, there must be something positive which comes of this!

 

[OceanAnnie]

It didn't take much to set your FIL off! He sent the money to have the car checked. It was checked. What was the agreement for the loan? If the agreement was to pay it back, you pay it back.
If his intent was to help, he did. And then he went crazy.

When you loan someone money, you aren't in control of how the person spends it. Granted what your DH did wasn't quite on the up and up. He should've given the left over money back.

It still sounds like FIL has a lot of issues. Sounds like your DH has a lot of issues too.

So out of all of this you are the bad guy. You are the bad influence. And you are the only one working. But your DH isn't working and not helping out with watching the kids (how does that work)? What is up with that? And now at your FIL's suggestion of getting away from you, your DH is reassessing your relationship? All of this over buying some groceries and dinner with the left over money?

Try to keep your spirits up and maintain your sensibilities. After you calm down about it all, have a talk with DH and set some goals. You shouldn't be shouldering all of the responsibility.

Take care

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by SnowAngel
I got from the e-mail dh really isn't sure he wants to stay in the family or take the responsible anymore.

I am confused on this part. Are you saying that your dh created an email which placed the blame on you?
I didn't get that 'vibe' from your post so maybe I am missing something.

Personally you will be better off without the FIL's help. Money loaned to you has LONG strings with barbs attached.

 

[diznygirl]

What a mess! Sounds like when my MIL told me I shouldn't have any more children cuz I needed to work and support her son who was unemployed at the time. I gave her an earful. She played the victim and said she was sad she could never speak with us again (?) so my DH agreed, if that's the way she wanted it. She didn't expect THAT!

Tell him off! YOU send back the reply to the email. Your FIL won't be expecting that. I hope DH is on your side here and is ready to support you.

 

[Rozzie]

snowangel, hang in there. It seems like you have so much on your plate right now. My thoughts are with you

 

[Pugdog007]

Was it a loan or did he give you the money to have the car checked out? Did he expect repayment?

You probably do not want to hear my opinion... but you asked so here goes. I have "given" money to a sister that refuses to hold down a job. She'll say she needs the money for necessities like groceries or gas. The last time I did (and it will be the last), I specifically said it was for gas so that she could return home to FL. Well not only did she not leave and spend the money on gas, she came home that day with a bag full of Chik-Fil-A sandwiches. She spent my money on Chik-fil-A sandwiches and cigarettes.

You bet I was mad. I think if you "give" someone money and don't expect repayment, then it's a slap in the face when they don't spend it on what you gave it to them for.

 

[Kallison]

If you are old enough and mature enough to have three kids, you should be supporting yourselves. Learn to budget and stop freely spending. You need marriage counseling, DH needs to put you first. Or you may be better off without him. I respect you trying to stand on your own two feet. Why in the world isn't he working? From reading your email it reminded me of boy/girl stuff in high school. It sounds like DH needs to grow up and stop depending on his Dad. Good luck.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

No real advice. Just

 

[Disney Doll]

If I understand your story, DH borrowed money form Dad to get a car repaired, only spent part of the money on getitng the car repaired and blew the rest, doesn't work, you work 2 jobs, spend a lot of money, and FIL is mad at you!

First of all, don't take money from relatives, ever. It makes them feel like they have free rein to run your life. Second of all, tell DH to poop or get off the pot as far as getting a job goes. Third of all, be a grown up and have soem restraint in how oyu spend so you won't be put into the position of having to borrow money. Fourth of all, get to a marraige counselor to figure out why DH doesn't feel the need to work and why you tolerate that.

You have kids. Don't make them victims of their parents' inadequacies. They learn what they live.

 

[4nana]

Sounds like youre trying your best to be a good wife and mommy.
You're in a tough situation with lots to think over and 3 little ones counting on you.
There is light at the end of the tunnel honey.
I will say a prayer that things work out. Hang in there and keep the faith ^i^.


<a href='http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb008' target='_blank'><img src='http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_11_6.gif' border=0></a> Sandie

 

[SnowAngel]

Thanks all.
I appreciate all the advice and hugs

 

[Pugdog007]

I'm having a difficult time following your story... but from what I've gathered your biggest problem is that your husband needs to get a job!

He hasn't worked since Feb-03? WHY??? I would have put him out by now. I can completely understand his DF saying he is irresponsible. He is! What is his excuse?

There's simply no excuse for not trying to find a job, IMHO.

And frankly, the injuries to your children that occurred while you were away are a bit alarming.

 

[momof2inPA]

Step 1. Take the computer to the pawn shop.

Good luck.