Those with College Aged Kids ??

[nelle]

My DD is 19 and a freshman at our local community college. She asked me today if she can stay the night at her boyfriends house tonight. I said no way and don't ask again. She said all kids her age and even high schoolers are allowed to stay at their boyfriends houses.
So am I way behind in the times or is she trying to pull one over on me?
A few things about the boyfriend.
He's 20.
Doesn't go to school and doesn't have any desire to.
Can't hold a job for more then a couple of months.
Lives with his parents who give him everything he wants and needs so he has no desire to do anything.
Has parties at his parents house every weekend.
My DD used to not like him because all he did was drink and smoke pot(she said that)
This kid can't carry on a conversation with a adult or look one in the eyes(he has no disabilities or issues)

If you can't tell we don't like him. If he were going to school or were working towards something and I knew he wasn't into drugs he would be fine.

So am I behind in the times or what?
Thanks for the help!

 

[Bluestars]

My son is 19 and in college. If he wanted to spend the night at a girlfriends house, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But if I was in your situation, I would not want my daughter to spend the night with that guy. He sounds very irresponsible. As long as she's willing to follow your rules, more power to you to keep her from spending the night with him.

 

[teller80]

My house my rules, and my answer would be no. If she's not already on birth control, I would take her to the doc and get a prescription.

 

[Happy Snowman]

I don't know that "everyone" does it but when kids go away for college, the parents are pretty much out of the loop. I couldn't tell you if our children sleep over at a boyfriend/girlfriend's house because they are adults and it isn't any of my business. When the kids are home for school breaks and such, we treat them as adults and what they do is their business. I simply ask to let me know when they will be gone and when they plan to return. We raised our kids, gave them skills to cope as adults and they are good kids, doing very well in college and we have had no issues at all. We have liked their choices for boyfriends/girlfriends so far and they have made good choices for friends as well.

I guess I'm not sure why she feels she needs to ask or why you think you can say yes or no? I can certainly see a yes or no if she asked to have him sleep at your house, but what she does outside of the house is really her business now.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

My DD is 19 and a freshman at our local community college. She asked me today if she can stay the night at her boyfriends house tonight. I said no way and don't ask again. She said all kids her age and even high schoolers are allowed to stay at their boyfriends houses.
So am I way behind in the times or is she trying to pull one over on me?
A few things about the boyfriend.
He's 20.
Doesn't go to school and doesn't have any desire to.
Can't hold a job for more then a couple of months.
Lives with his parents who give him everything he wants and needs so he has no desire to do anything.
Has parties at his parents house every weekend.
My DD used to not like him because all he did was drink and smoke pot(she said that)
This kid can't carry on a conversation with a adult or look one in the eyes(he has no disabilities or issues)

If you can't tell we don't like him. If he were going to school or were working towards something and I knew he wasn't into drugs he would be fine.

So am I behind in the times or what?
Thanks for the help!

Eek!!! I struggle with this one because as a parent I 100% agree with you, and also as someone with younger kids, there is no way they are staying here either because it sets a bad example for the younger ones.

But....I was married at that age. Thankfully DH and I were much more responsible at that age then what you are describing of the boyfriend, but I am well aware how very little I can control my 19 y.o. child.

 

[mamacatnv]

My son left for college at 18 - whom he slept with became none of my business.

When he was home on break etc. we never dictated what he did and who he did it with. There comes a point where you just have to let them grow up.

My DS's freshman year of college included his high school girlfriend who was a Sr in high school. We did not approve of the relationship whatsoever but we felt we had to just let it run its course.

It did, she eventually moved on as did DS. He was living at the Univ dorm, she was still at home with her parents because she was still in high school. I am sure she was at his Dorm way more than we would have liked but he was a young adult, while we continued to advise etc he had to make decisions for himself as well.

 

[ronandannette]

My DD is 19 and a freshman at our local community college. She asked me today if she can stay the night at her boyfriends house tonight. I said no way and don't ask again. She said all kids her age and even high schoolers are allowed to stay at their boyfriends houses.
So am I way behind in the times or is she trying to pull one over on me?
A few things about the boyfriend.
He's 20.
Doesn't go to school and doesn't have any desire to.
Can't hold a job for more then a couple of months.
Lives with his parents who give him everything he wants and needs so he has no desire to do anything.
Has parties at his parents house every weekend.
My DD used to not like him because all he did was drink and smoke pot(she said that)
This kid can't carry on a conversation with a adult or look one in the eyes(he has no disabilities or issues)

If you can't tell we don't like him. If he were going to school or were working towards something and I knew he wasn't into drugs he would be fine.

So am I behind in the times or what?
Thanks for the help!

For me, the "times" don't have anything to do with it. Our DS is similar in age and has chosen to live at home for the time being. We fully understand he is of legal age but at this point, he is no more independent (by choice) than he was at 17 and in high school. Cohabiting (even occasionally) with a GF or BF is a violation of our moral code and not something we will facilitate. While he is free to make his own decisions about how he wants to live, it won't be at our expense. When he begins to feel the need for more "freedom" we will gladly help him transition to being on his own - at which point we would neither expect or desire to tell him what to do.

 

[Bec3b1g]

The bf sounds hard to like from a parent perspective and I would definitely not be happy if my dd was dating someone like that.

Having said that, I'm not sure you can do anything about it. It seems strange that she asked permission. I have a college freshman and he's an adult and is treated as such.

I would probably focus more energy figuring out why she would date a guy with these characteristics. She's an adult now and needs to learn to make adult decisions. Help talk her through it with motherly advice, but it's ultimately up to her to make good or, unfortunately, poor life choices.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, there is no way that dd18's parents would let her sleep over (old school Italian), and I wouldn't let him sleep here. However, they both go away to college, and visit each other at school, and have gone away together for weekends with other kids.

I think your issue is not liking the boyfriend, not the overnight. I didn't care for dd's last boyfriend, but she was 15/16 at the time, so I had more of a say. When dd is home, she tells me her plans, but doesn't ask permission.

 

[Christine]

My DD is 19 and a freshman at our local community college. She asked me today if she can stay the night at her boyfriends house tonight. I said no way and don't ask again. She said all kids her age and even high schoolers are allowed to stay at their boyfriends houses.
So am I way behind in the times or is she trying to pull one over on me?
A few things about the boyfriend.
He's 20.
Doesn't go to school and doesn't have any desire to.
Can't hold a job for more then a couple of months.
Lives with his parents who give him everything he wants and needs so he has no desire to do anything.
Has parties at his parents house every weekend.
My DD used to not like him because all he did was drink and smoke pot(she said that)
This kid can't carry on a conversation with a adult or look one in the eyes(he has no disabilities or issues)

If you can't tell we don't like him. If he were going to school or were working towards something and I knew he wasn't into drugs he would be fine.

So am I behind in the times or what?
Thanks for the help!

So, I've got a question for you because there seems to be two issues here. At first the question you asked seemed to be: do we agree with letting a 19 y/o college freshman who lives at home, spend the night out at her boyfriend's.

But, then you went into what a loser the guy is and that seems to be your hangup. So if the guy was perfect, would you still be asking the question? Because it seems you are more concerned with his poor behavior (as you should be) rather than the whole spending the night with him issue.

 

[tvguy]

They are adults at age 18. Most are not financially independent at 18, but it is a tough balance imposing rules on adult dependent children.........and letting them spread their wings in preparation for totally independence.

Mine are 23 and 27. We paid the bills, encouraged them to ask for our advice....but when they were away from home, what they did as adults was their business.
Have they made mistakes? Yes. Did some of those mistakes cost us money? Yes. But it's part of being a parent in my opinion. And I will get my revenge when I am older and grayer and in a nursing home.

The one thing we felt strongly about was that our children NOT work during the school year. We felt school was their full time job. Our oldest went against it. Pressure from friends and his girlfriend. He earned about $15,000 from his part time job. He extended his time in college by a full year because of his working at $50,000 cost to DW and I for tuition and room and board. He is now paying that $50,000 back to us at a rate of $100 a month. In just under 40 years he will have paid off the consequence of THAT mistake. I am keeping track, and if DW and I croak before he pays it off, his inheritance will be reduced by that amount. He knows that. His sister knows that. It is in our will.

 

[nelle]

Thanks for the replies!
To answer some questions:
She has a IUD so that area is covered
I had her at 18 so I know how that goes.
She has always been very responsible. Has held the same job since she was 16 (at the Gap) she also asst. coaches the high school cheer team.
She stayed here at our local college to save money. She wants to be a special ed teacher.
I know if she were living in a dorm she would be doing whatever and I would have no say. My issue is him. I don't want him dragging her down. I wish she had gone away to school then she would be around other people who want to do something with their lives.
My DH says she lives under our roof, we feed her, pay her cell bill, she drives a car that I bought her, she should follow our rules.
We would have no problem with her staying over at his house if he was a person with a goal (other then waiting for his parents to die so he can get his inheritance. Yes he said that).
Ugh!
Thanks!

 

[Happy Snowman]

Thanks for the replies!
To answer some questions:
She has a IUD so that area is covered
I had her at 18 so I know how that goes.
She has always been very responsible. Has held the same job since she was 16 (at the Gap) she also asst. coaches the high school cheer team.
She stayed here at our local college to save money. She wants to be a special ed teacher.
I know if she were living in a dorm she would be doing whatever and I would have no say. My issue is him. I don't want him dragging her down. I wish she had gone away to school then she would be around other people who want to do something with their lives.
My DH says she lives under our roof, we feed her, pay her cell bill, she drives a car that I bought her, she should follow our rules.
We would have no problem with her staying over at his house if he was a person with a goal (other then waiting for his parents to die so he can get his inheritance. Yes he said that).
Ugh!
Thanks!

The more you say no, the more time she will want to spend with him. Personally, I would be strongly encouraging her to start applying to 4 year schools to get away from him. Don't present it that way, but is she really saving money staying home??? Even if it costs more, it's worth the money not to get caught up in a lifestyle like that. I'm not a fan of kids living at home in college anyway though.

 

[mamacatnv]

Thanks for the replies!
To answer some questions:
She has a IUD so that area is covered
I had her at 18 so I know how that goes.
She has always been very responsible. Has held the same job since she was 16 (at the Gap) she also asst. coaches the high school cheer team.
She stayed here at our local college to save money. She wants to be a special ed teacher.
I know if she were living in a dorm she would be doing whatever and I would have no say. My issue is him. I don't want him dragging her down. I wish she had gone away to school then she would be around other people who want to do something with their lives.
My DH says she lives under our roof, we feed her, pay her cell bill, she drives a car that I bought her, she should follow our rules.
We would have no problem with her staying over at his house if he was a person with a goal (other then waiting for his parents to die so he can get his inheritance. Yes he said that).
Ugh!
Thanks!

I applaud your honesty with yourself

I know so many parents who face this same scenario, heck we did as well. Could not stand the little loser that DS was madly in love with. The relationship lasted a year and a half. We had to be very careful in what we said and did, the last thing we wanted to do was to create a rebellious type situation so we didn't say too much.

Thankfully DS went off to college and saw the bigger picture. They broke up towards the end of his Freshman year, it was devastating for him, he darn near flunked out of college and this is where us being supportive played a major role.

Fast forward 6 years - DS is in a graduate medical program and less than a year away from a lucrative degree and career.
Former girlfriend just turned 24, she has 2 kids from 2 dads, no skills, no higher education etc.

Thank goodness we walked that thin line carefully.

OP I feel for you, my BFF is in the exact same situation with her DD right now - its a tough place for a parent to be.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

For me, the "times" don't have anything to do with it. Our DS is similar in age and has chosen to live at home for the time being. We fully understand he is of legal age but at this point, he is no more independent (by choice) than he was at 17 and in high school. Cohabiting (even occasionally) with a GF or BF is a violation of our moral code and not something we will facilitate. While he is free to make his own decisions about how he wants to live, it won't be at our expense. When he begins to feel the need for more "freedom" we will gladly help him transition to being on his own - at which point we would neither expect or desire to tell him what to do.

This is the way it works in my house too.

 

[mom2AidanAndEli]

So the real question has nothing to do with whether she should be allowed to stay at a boyfriend's house. The real question you're asking is "How do I stop my adult daughter from dating a man I don't approve of"?

Simple answer is you don't. It's time to trust that you raised her well and eventually she'll see things differently and move on.

 

[mom2rtk]

For me, the "times" don't have anything to do with it. Our DS is similar in age and has chosen to live at home for the time being. We fully understand he is of legal age but at this point, he is no more independent (by choice) than he was at 17 and in high school. Cohabiting (even occasionally) with a GF or BF is a violation of our moral code and not something we will facilitate. While he is free to make his own decisions about how he wants to live, it won't be at our expense. When he begins to feel the need for more "freedom" we will gladly help him transition to being on his own - at which point we would neither expect or desire to tell him what to do.

Totally agree.

Thanks for the replies!
To answer some questions:
She has a IUD so that area is covered
I had her at 18 so I know how that goes.
She has always been very responsible. Has held the same job since she was 16 (at the Gap) she also asst. coaches the high school cheer team.
She stayed here at our local college to save money. She wants to be a special ed teacher.
I know if she were living in a dorm she would be doing whatever and I would have no say. My issue is him. I don't want him dragging her down. I wish she had gone away to school then she would be around other people who want to do something with their lives.
My DH says she lives under our roof, we feed her, pay her cell bill, she drives a car that I bought her, she should follow our rules.
We would have no problem with her staying over at his house if he was a person with a goal (other then waiting for his parents to die so he can get his inheritance. Yes he said that).
Ugh!
Thanks!

I do think I would be uncomfortable "screening" her boyfriends and making my choice based on the caliber of the boy involved. I think you need to set a policy and go with it.

 

[NMAmy]

So the real question has nothing to do with whether she should be allowed to stay at a boyfriend's house. The real question you're asking is "How do I stop my adult daughter from dating a man I don't approve of"?

Simple answer is you don't. It's time to trust that you raised her well and eventually she'll see things differently and move on.

That's what it seems like to me. DD had a couple of loser boyfriends. I was kind and polite to them but did very gently tell her my reservations and the concrete reasons for my issues without pushing it. I was shocked that even though she was a bit defensive with me when I was talking with her, she broke up with each of them quite soon after the conversation. Her husband is awesome so she got better at picking 'em.

To answer the original question, dd went away to college and I never policed where she slept when she was there or at home. Once she was an adult, I felt it was none of my business. At my house, I did insist that she leave a note saying where she was. When she balked, I pointed out that I needed somewhere for the cops to start if she didn't make it home for whatever reason--I didn't care if she ripped up the note before I saw it. She decided that was a really good idea and she and her roommate began doing the same thing for each other whenever they left their apartment alone.

 

[Bec3b1g]

If your dd wants to work with kids with special needs, I can assume that she's a caring and compassionate young lady. She may see the bf as "broken" and want to help "fix" him.

In a previous post, you said your dh felt that it was your house your rules. Do you have a rule about this or was it said in a more general sense of she will do what we tell her? Just curious. I think you're in a tough position.

 

[eliza61]

My youngest is 21 and a jr at school. I can't control what he does at school.

I can control what goes on in my house.
He is allowed to have guest at home, female guest sleep in the guest bedroom. He does not sleep with his girlfriend in my house.

I never brought into the "when you hit 18 you are an adult" mindset. Adulthood comes with a lot of other stuff outside of a birthday. Neither of my kids are independent financially. so for now my house my rules.