This still can't be real...

[chell]

Earlier this week, Thursday actually, as I was driving home from my father's I realized that I am a little better. I know I will still have difficult days but I no longer feel like I'm stuck down in the deep dark hole. Now I feel like I have finally made it up onto the first of a million steps leading out of the hole.

At the same time I still can't completely accept this and can't really believe that Junior is gone. He simply can't be gone. My mind knows he is because I saw his lifeless, cold body before me and even touched him and made sure it really was him. Beside of my bed is a box containing my portion of his ashes. My heart doesn't know, doesn't want to know and can't accept the fact that he is gone. My heart still feels the bond and connection with him. My heart doesn't feel like he is gone for good. If he is gone why do I still feel connected to him? Surely this makes some sort of sense to someone around here.

Thanks for letting me vent once again. It helps to be able to get these things off of my chest every now and then and to know that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.

 

[lynetteSC]

Hey! I have been wondering how you have been getting along! Many hugs headed your way Let me know if you need anything!

 

[luvmydogs]

Chell, I believe you still feel the connection to him because you weren't just connected to his physical body. You were connected once by love, respect, friendship--things that transcend the physical. These are feelings and bonds that don't go away just because a person's body is no longer with you, and speaks volumes for your capacity to care and to love and cherish.

I am glad you are feeling better, sweetheart.

 

[chell]

Thanks Lynette! It is a great feeling to be on that first step finally. I do know that it is okay to still have these feelings that I am having. Maybe my point is that I am ready to be finished with the pain.

 

[chell]

Thanks Kim. Your words made me cry, but in a good way.

 

[luvmydogs]

Thanks Kim. Your words made me cry, but in a good way.

Awww, love, I'm here for you---anytime at all.

 

[hentob]

Poor Sweetie I don't know you, but I think about you a ton. Weird, isn't it? I feel as if I know you from your posts.

You will be ok. Stay strong. We're here for you

 

[Aidensmom]

You will always have a connection, that is what love is. It will get better, it just takes time. I am so sorry you are having a hard time with it, but it is completely normal.

 

[Sparx]

You're still connected to him. This is the same with every death. It is totally surreal for a long time. almost like a state of shock. Its even worse with junior, because you LOVED him, with all of your heart. when he died, it felt like you did too. That is why you don't want to believe it.

Everyone mourns differently. personally, I dont' like to accept loss. I go into a type A persona where I am constantly working or doing something. I never stop, because to me, if I stop, and if I cry, then it's real, and it can't be real.

There is a stage of denial, and anger, and sadness, and it goes on and on. Because no one is the same, and no one loses the same way.

You are incredibly strong. This could have, and probably would have killed some people, just having to go through this. I've lost alot of people before, but never someone I was in love with. I've wanted to give my life, for someone else to be alive, but I didn't love her like you loved Junior. Most people can't handle loss like this, but you are.

Junior died, but you didn't. and junior wouldn't want you to. He woudl want you to live, if not for him, then because of him. Continue your life, because he can't. Live for him.

 

[lyeag]

Chell, what you are feeling is so normal. You can get involved in something and then in the middle stop and think and it slams you in the face. The connection will always be there. Embrace it. There are times I swear I can feel my late husband with me.

Sparx wrote about going into "busy mode" more or less. I like to call it the shark syndrome. If you keep yourself busy enough it keeps you from thinking about it. Unfortunately, it usually hits you at night like now, when there isn't anything to keep your mind busy. And believe me, your mind will take you all over the place.

Do the things you must, find joy in the small moments, cry when you feel like it, but most of all know one thing- If he truly loved you, then he would not want you to spend your life being unhappy. People who love you want only the best for you. That being said, don't be afraid of laughing or enjoying things in your day. Don't feel guilty. You can make it through this. It may seem like your life is over, believe me, I know, but you will come through this and your pain will ease.

We are here for you...

 

[chell]

Poor Sweetie I don't know you, but I think about you a ton. Weird, isn't it? I feel as if I know you from your posts.

You will be ok. Stay strong. We're here for you

Thank you. Nope, it isn't weird at all. There are several people here that I feel the same way about. What is weird to me is how I felt that way about C. Ann when she had to go through all the ups and downs with her husband's health, house problems and his death. This place sure can be crazy at times but it is one great community.

 

[chell]

Thanks Aidensmom, Sparks and Lyeag. Your kind words and support really do help me through this. I am happy that I have made it up onto the first step but I still hurt so bad.

Yesterday I almost had an accident when I passed a car with a driver who looked just like Junior but maybe about 20 years older. My stomach started churning and I felt so sick then I remembered that I was driving and needed to pay attention. That scared me.

Sparks are you sure you aren't an old woman?

Thankfully each day I am starting to find more things to smile about and more things to make me laugh.

It is funny how some of you mentioned the keeping busy thing. I'm a work-aholic and really do work too much at times even though I know it isn't good for me. Lately I've tried even harder to keep busy. Things recently changed drastically for me and I don't have so much to keep me busy all the time right now. Funny how things like that work out.

Again, thank you all so very much. Thanks for letting me be able to come here and vent and whine and get things off of my chest. It really does help.

 

[Planogirl]

chell, it sounds like you're moving towards recovery now. However, I imagine that it's still going to take quite a while and that there will be bad days too.

You had a special connection and that won't ever go away completely. Allow yourself plenty of time to heal and cry and get angry. Be kind to yourself, it'll help.

 

[chell]

Thanks Planogirl.

 

[Stitchfans]

Honey I hope with all my heart that some day you can find peace. I can't promise the pain will go away completely, but I think it will ease up some with time. You are not going crazy. You had a special relationship. Go ahead hang on to it, but don't let it completely control your life. I believe that a loved one would want us to live our lifes and be happy.

I once heard at an ulogy (sp?) at a funeral were the priest had said how can your loved one be happy in heaven when they can look down and see you so sad. Make me stop and think. Maybe this can be so?

 

[chell]

Thank you too Susan. Today is a better day. Once I get moved and closer to my family I think I will start doing better on a more regular basis. Being around loved ones often sure does make a huge difference.