This is sorta personal and i need help

[JustAGirl]

I need help deciding what to do . My mother is very verbally abusive towards me and my kids. She used to be physically abusive to me but she stopped at 17 because now Im an adult. I put all of those horrible memories out of my mind and repressed them so I could have a relationship with her. She is just mean . There is no other way of putting it. She puts me down constantly . She picks on my children because they have autism and cant talk. She will pick on them than when I call her on it She says yeah you right it's not thier fault it's YOUR fault because you are a bad mother and your kids are wild and you dont teach them anything .

I cant help that my youngest is wild He's 2 years old and has asd and possibly even be adhd. My family in general refuses to acknowledge they have these disabilities. Whenever I bring it up they automatically blame my parenting as to why my kids act the way that they do .

Im sick of my mother putting down me and my kids . Yesterday I decided it was best to cut her off permanently. I have a disney package in May for just me and my kids . However I told my mother and my brother i could add them on for about 900 bucks. Now I dont want to go on this trip with them.

It would be a lie. We are not some happy family. Everyone is negetive and trade insults. Most of the attacks are towards me and my kids.I got sick and tired of it . I feel alot better . I dont have the urge to overeat.

My mom's verbal abuse has been so bad that I experienced PHYSICAL withdrawal symptons. After I made that decision I felt dizzy, guilty and i had a headache and insomnia . I feel alot better today though .

Anyway Im wondering now how will my trip go....Like will it be worth it going to disneyworld alone with two asd kids (high functioning) . DD is looking forward to it and she keeps talking about the castle and the princesses ...and i already ADRed for the bippidy bopiddy boutique ,chef mickeys and prime time .

Should I just go to DW alone with my kiddos ...or tell my mom and bro they can still go on the trip but in the meantime try to limit my time around them as much as possible until we leave... Im not going to lie Im really nervous about flying especially by myself for the first time.

I dont have anyone to go with me...no friends and no other family members are available or want to go . My brother will not come without my mother .

My mom already requested the time off work and my aunt called me telling me your mom just called she said she's so excited for the trip she's really giddy about it and I told my aunt to tell my mom she isnt going so make plans to work that week she's only going to dw if she and my brother plan their own trip .

It's been like 2 days since i spoken to my mother and so far nothing. She hasnt apologized for her behavior and deep down I know she will never change....Im just wondering if i should just put up with her the week of the trip or contuinue with the original plans of going alone....

 

[JustAGirl]

BTW I dont want to leave out this lovely jewel After I told everyone Im cutting her off. My mom called my aunt and told her that something is wrong with ME and I need therapy .... I was like yeah all of a sudden I need therapy because ive stood up to you and made a decision i will no longer allow you to verbally abuse me and my kids. My aunt told me she agrees with my decision but she wrote me an email today saying "have you called your mom today she keeps calling you " If you agree with my decision why are you asking me such a stupid question .She's already trying to guilt me saying "your mom wants to see her grands".I wonder why my aunt is already caving...I KNOW her and how protective she is with her own kids. She would NEVER allow my mom or her own mom say the things they say to me about her kids so why does she think its okay for MY kids ??

 

[i12go2wdw]

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through, here is a hug You know best what you should do but just to give you some encouragement I once had to make a solo trip, driving from Vancouver to Disneyland on my own with 5 kids, not even all mine. We took it slow and enjoyed every minute of it. We spent 4 days in DL and I think it was the best 4.
I think you sound like you are a strong person, and really love your kids, in all honesty you would probably have a better time going it alone without the stress of 2 more adults to have to cater to, it would be tough even if they were on your side.
I hope you enjoy your trip no matter what you decide,
Christine

 

[Adistar]

Personally I would cut her off completely, that is not healthy for you or your children. I know its not easy because it is your mom but it certainly isn't helping either.

I would go on the trip alone, I bet it will be liberating. You and your kids will have a blast and will only make positive memories, whereas with your mom you have the potential to make negative memories.


Good luck!

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

You can either cut your mom out of your life, or you can travel with her. there's no in-between. I don't know what's right for you to do--personally, if she's as bad as you say, I don't see her contributing much to your trip in a positive way. If you're truly concerned about the logistics of taking the children on the trip by yourself, you might want to consider postponing it until they are older/higher functioning/more independent. This would also give you a rational explanation as to why you won't be going with your mom in May.

I think some time and distance from your relatives might help you. You also might want to consider counseling--it could help you deal with your family. It can be difficult to have the strength to handle relatives whose views you don't agree with.

 

[Willow25]

I am so sorry that this has been your experience of being parented.

It sounds like you are making a really good decision for yourself and your kids by getting away from an abusive relationship. The relationship you have with your mother is highly toxic and it will have a major impact on your children to witness it all the time. They are basically witnessing domestic violence. CUT your mother off. Take your kids to DW you don't know how it will be until you get there alternatively do you have any other support people in your life that could go with you. Please don't take your mother with you she will only make your time horrible.

Have you had any therapy to deal with what you have been through?

 

[muscarello4]

I have a similar highly toxic mother. She is downright destructive. I have not spoken with her in 3 years. My kids haven't seen her in 3 years. We are ALL better for it. (Of course, it helps that we now live 1000 miles away.)

You can't choose who parents you for the first 18 years, but you CAN choose whether or not to continue the relationship once you reach adulthood. Sometimes I am saddened by the fact that I have no relationship with my mother, but I know that in the long run it is best for me and my kids.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[notsosnowwhite]

I definitely wouldn't be traveling with them to Disney, but I would be looking at my other relationships in order to build some strong friendships. As the other posters have stated, you can decide as an adult whether to have a relationship with your parents. If you decide to remove yourself from a situation that is not healthy for you or your children, it doesn't remove the need for a healthy support system in your life. If your aunt is not supportive, do you have others who would be? Foster your relationships with other women who can help you have the family you want to have. Maybe your trip needs to be postponed or you can ask a close friend to travel with you for help?

 

[ireland_nicole]

I would encourage you to go on this trip by yourself with the kids. Will it at times be difficult, and maybe frightening? Yep. But you CAN do this. And when you have done it, you'll be free from the voice of your mom telling you you can't.

THere are lots of things you can do to make your trip easier. As the mom of ASD kiddos I can tell you that you need to do a lot of extra planning. I would encourage you to check out the disabilities thread; there are lots of us there and lots of info about experiencing Disney with autism.

 

[micheleq]

No great advice, just some hugs to you and your kids.

Take the trip with just your kids. Sounds like you are done with the abuse from your mother, and you and your kids will be better of without her in your life.

Be strong! Like PP said, you'll find other relationships that are caring and nurturing and not toxic to you and your children.

 

[deerhart]

I made the decision at about 15 to put my grandmother out of my life. She was just to hurtful and harmful to me. When I had children, I limited their interaction with her. She did many of the things to my kids that she did with me and again we pulled back greatly after that (not totally but very very rare)

It was a good decision on my part and one I have never regretted. The worsening relationship I had with my grandmother was making other relationships sour (including my dad ending up in the middle).

 

[Rylee]

Say to yourself,

That was then...
You were a child and had no choice or control over what was happening.

This is now... You are an adult and you have some choices and can take control.

Remind yourself, this is not something you are doing to your mother, this is something you are doing for yourself, and your children.

Take some time and put some space between you and your mother. Nothing has to be forever, unless you want it to be, but take some time for you, gather your thoughts, clear your head, gain some strength, and find some peace. Focus on yourself and your children, and don't waste energy on someone you can't change.

In time, you'll know what's right for you, you'll have your answers.

As for the Disney vacation, if you feel you can handle the kids alone, keeping both of them safe and dealing with their needs... GO FOR IT! It may be exactly what you need!

 

[JustAGirl]

Thank you everyone for your advice and your well wishes. I really appreciate it .Im going to try to do it alone Just me and my kiddos. I think I can do it . My dd isnt difficult . She's pretty good and I can take her anywhere even to the movies and keep her occupied. DS on the other hand is a runner and he refuses to sit through anything. In general they both dont take naps so that's not a problem . I will still take a break during the day though just to give myself a break watching ds 24/7 will wear anyone out. I know I can keep them both safe though .

You guys are right taking my mom and brother will put a damper on my plans. I already have my days planned out ...where we will eat etc. and I know they both will scream about it and make a scene...I want things to go smoothly for us . I want to be able to make my own decisions etc.


I have a question though...I dont think my kiddos will be able to ride alot of the rides at DW because of height and im pooh sized so I probaly wont be able to get on the kiddie rides with them. Is it a good idea to spend one day at Old Town so they can ride as much as they'd like in a normal carnival/fair setting...My kids love rides more than anything else.How much do you think a Taxi would cost to get to Old Town ?

 

[DW2010]

I would personally cut her off. Unfortunately my mother's the same way, but thankfully she gave me to my dad when I was 5. She was physically and verbally abusive to me as well. I have only spoken to her a handful of times since I was 5 and have only seen her once! That was when I was 12 or so and because the judge said he'd allow it. It makes me wonder if my dad didn't speak up and say how awful he'd been to me. Anyways, just cut her off! Stress is never good for anyone, and I can imagine she causes your family a bunch!!!! GL and (((hugs))).

 

[disneybound31]

Given the abuse you and your kids have suffered, I just wanted to put it out there that 50's Prime Time is a 'character' dining experience in that there is some sarcasm and fake rudenessthat may come across as harsh to you or your kids. 'Yelling' at parents for bad manners and giving the kids a hard time about not finishing their veggies may not be what you want on your special trip.

It can be fun, but also confusing for some kids.

Peace and calm to you. I'm sure this is very hard to deal with.

 

[JustAGirl]

Given the abuse you and your kids have suffered, I just wanted to put it out there that 50's Prime Time is a 'character' dining experience in that there is some sarcasm and fake rudenessthat may come across as harsh to you or your kids. 'Yelling' at parents for bad manners and giving the kids a hard time about not finishing their veggies may not be what you want on your special trip.

It can be fun, but also confusing for some kids.

Peace and calm to you. I'm sure this is very hard to deal with.

WOW its a character experience...I had no idea...I just wanted to go because I heard it has the best fried chicken in disney and I saw pics of it and it looked so yummy!! Can you just make a to go order??Me and my kiddos will have no problem heading back to the room to eat our chicken ..Can I tell the waitress that I dont want to be apart of the act because my kids WILL get confused and surely will cry .

 

[Pixie Princess]

WOW its a character experience...I had no idea...I just wanted to go because I heard it has the best fried chicken in disney and I saw pics of it and it looked so yummy!! Can you just make a to go order??Me and my kiddos will have no problem heading back to the room to eat our chicken ..Can I tell the waitress that I dont want to be apart of the act because my kids WILL get confused and surely will cry .

I'm not sure if you can take food to go there, but I would definitely give the server a heads up to lay off the act if you feel it will be upsetting to your kids. I went there with DD6 at the time and DN aged 4. My DD did not appreciate that the server was giving me a hard time about not cleaning my plate and that I wouldn't get desert. She was visibly upset about it, and my DN got so upset she cried. You could tell the server felt horrible the kids took the act so seriously. We got it all smoothed out, but DN gave the server the "evil eye" the rest of the meal.

 

[MyVirtueAidan]

so personally i think u should talk to her sit her down alone with no1 else around n tell her exactly how u feel n if then n only then shes still sayin the same crap n being verbally abusive then u tell her the trip is off n ur going alone wit ur kids lets face it chic u had them alone u can deal alone i kno its alot but im mean really its ur mom she birthed u put the effort in if it dont work it aint on u u put ur issues aside n tried n u wont ever regret that how u gunna feel 10 yrs from now n she dies let say n that was it it was left how it is now im jus sayin shes ur mom ya kno make the effort k n then go alone if shes still not acting right n when ur there n ur wit ur kids by urself ull c how strong n inspiring u r to other ppl n urself n ur children !!!


~Heather
mom of 2 girls

 

[clutter]

Ok, you made the decision to cut her out of your life once, but decided to give her another chance when you had kids. She messed it up. Are you better of with her or without her?

As for your aunt suggesting therapy, I actually agree. You are the victim of abuse, with 2 special needs kids, and it sounds like a single parent. Personally, if you could, I think it would be wonderful for you to get professional emotional support. Not to reconcile with your family, but to love yourself better.

And Disney? You don't say how old your children are, but one is 2, right? With one adult, you will likely be limited to rides both kids can ride on, but there's still SO MUCH to do there beyond the rides. The shows, the character interactions, just absorbing the music and feeling like a kid again. I wouldn't worry about it. The rides that are appropriate for 2 year olds also accomodate adults, even pooh sized ones from what I've seen. You all should have plenty to do and see while there. Promise us, simply relax and enjoy your well deserved vacation!

ps I don't think Prime Time is that bad. Yes they kid you about elbows on the table and eating your veggies. But all of the wait staff we've ever been with have been warm and funny as well. And yes, the chicken is good.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thank you everyone for your advice and your well wishes. I really appreciate it .Im going to try to do it alone Just me and my kiddos. I think I can do it . My dd isnt difficult . She's pretty good and I can take her anywhere even to the movies and keep her occupied. DS on the other hand is a runner and he refuses to sit through anything. In general they both dont take naps so that's not a problem . I will still take a break during the day though just to give myself a break watching ds 24/7 will wear anyone out. I know I can keep them both safe though .

You guys are right taking my mom and brother will put a damper on my plans. I already have my days planned out ...where we will eat etc. and I know they both will scream about it and make a scene...I want things to go smoothly for us . I want to be able to make my own decisions etc.


I have a question though...I dont think my kiddos will be able to ride alot of the rides at DW because of height and im pooh sized so I probaly wont be able to get on the kiddie rides with them. Is it a good idea to spend one day at Old Town so they can ride as much as they'd like in a normal carnival/fair setting...My kids love rides more than anything else.How much do you think a Taxi would cost to get to Old Town ?

I really don't think you need to go to old town, there is plenty to do with your DS, and Disney is extremely pooh size friendly (trust me, I know) I can't think of anything DS could do that you can't. In fact, there's a great TR on the DisAbilities forum about ASD and pooh size- great timing! There is a way you can take your disabled child through lines in his stroller (as a w/c)- if you pm me, or check out the GAC faq's, you can gets lots more info.