This is one thing that I will never understand...

[RitaZ.]

People that are nasty and mean, yet other people think that they are great and want to be their friends. I will never understand the attraction... Can someone explain it to me?


BTW, this is about real life, not the DIS or any other BB.

 

[doxdogy]

If you ever figure it out, please let me know.

 

[oogieboogie]

love is blind.

 

[cynsaun]

Let me know, too! I am still puzzled. And, I'm talking the 10,000 piece puzzled here!

 

[MosMom]

I threaten those people with their lives so they will be my friend. Be happy you are a lucky one.

 

[frannn]

surrounding the evil person are actually thinking the same thing. They are probably wondering if they are the only ones who think the mean person is mean, so they continue to doubt themselves. I often second guess myself when it comes to things people do and say which I feel are rude and uncalled for....so I bring it up on these boards....to my DIS friends....and they all agree the person is a meannnniiieeee!

 

[RitaZ.]

Well, you all are no help.

Seriously, I have been trying to figure this one out for a long time.

Sometimes I think that these "friendships" are a lot like the relationship between some kids and bullies; you know, "If I'm his/her friend, he/she won't pick on me". Other times I think that maybe the mean/nasty person has some wonderful/awesome quality that I have missed or not seen.

 

[HisEllyNelly]

OK I will take a stab at this.MY dearest friend and I have been friends for, shhhhhhhh dont tell anyone I am this old, 22 years. We met when we were in 4th grade.Growing up we were inseparable. Fast forward 22 years, NO ONE gets along with her. She has lost three jobs in the last few years because she has an attitude. She doesnt see it and thinks the people she works with are the problem. My ex cant stand her and my family barely tolerates her now. I am still her friend and we talk daily. I guess her personality doesnt bother me anymore. Some personalities clash and some dont. Thats the only way I can explain it.

 

[sharbear]

it's like Junior High, people want to be with the "cool" crowd. I see it all the time also, I have no idea why some people will try to get on the good side of a mean spiteful gossip.

 

[luvsTink]

I would recommend watching the movie "mean girls". It is a teen flick but I could totally relate, both to my own high school experience...and sadly, beyond.

Anne

 

[CRB#33]

I think it has to do with low self esteem or a desire to fit in somewhere. Even if the person doesn't recognize it. Or it could be a superior, "I'm better than all of you and gonna let you know it in every way I can" attitude.

I see it in children all of the time. Kids who don't fit in will join these "mean" crowds because they can be mean and nasty, it makes them feel good, and they are affirmed by the crowd and that makes them feel better.

They may have tried to fit in with other crowds and there is just something that doesn't work for them, or they are ignored or made to feel stupid.

There is something about these kinds of kids where they feel way too good about being mean to others. It fills a need for something they lack.

Because what good reason could there be to bully others? And why would anyone feel good about being mean?

Sad really.

ETA, you have a good point about the "If I join the crowd, they won't pick on me" attitude.

 

[danacara]

Here's one theory: some of us have better "jerk radar" than others. I, for one, have terrible jerk radar. Other people can meet someone once and say, what a you-know-what. It's a talent. I don't have it. It takes me a while to figure out what's going on at the core of a person. It's to the point where I rely on the first impressions of other people.

When you have less astute jerk radar, jerks don't bother you as much, and it's easier to be civil with them.

 

[Serena]

Another point may be that although they may act mean towards someone, or a lot of someone's that they may not act that way towards them. Maybe the friend never sees the mean behavior.

 

[RitaZ.]

Just to clarify, I'm talking about adults, not kids. I used the example of "kids and bullies" because that's what this adult behavior reminds me of.

And why would anyone feel good about being mean?

I can see why people are mean and nasty and feel good about it, what I don't understand is when an adult thinks that the mean person is so wonderful and great.

I guess there is really no simple answer, but rather a combination of things, probably each person is fulfilling a different need on some level.

 

[RitaZ.]

Originally posted by danacara
Here's one theory: some of us have better "jerk radar" than others.

When you have less astute jerk radar, jerks don't bother you as much, and it's easier to be civil with them.

ROTFL, Dana. I think you've made a really good point there. I like your description of "less astute jerk radar".

Lauri, good point, too.

 

[Shugardrawers]

People act differently around different people. My DH's ex can't stand him. I think he's a doll. My DSis and I are best friends with another girl. We adore her. I know a lot of other people find her abrasive but when she's just being Jenniepoo she's a doll.

 

[SnowAngel]

I was going to respond but almost everything I was going to say has been quoted in some form or another by above posters so I'll just say..

Ditto


But to be honest I can rationalize it but I still don't understand why people are mean to just be mean. I can understand grumpiness or unintentional meaness but not outright meaness just to hurt another person.

 

[caitycaity]

i obviously don't know your situation, but i subscribe to the theory that no one is perfectly good or perfectly evil. some people don't get along with that person because parts of their personality rub them the wrong way. other people are not bothered. people are multidimensional.

 

[kasar]

I have a "friend" who is just horrible to everyone. She is a user and she's very selfish. But here's the kicker, she gets invited to everyone's parties, she's busy every weekend! I'll never understand it!

I think I just have a low tolerance for pettiness and meanness. I'd rather stay home with my family than go out with people that I really don't like.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I think it's definately about low self esteem.

I know someone who married a jerk because he was the first guy who showed interest in her and she had terribly low self esteem all her life. They have nothing in common, she's always unhappy, and he treats her like dirt. Yet she fears losing him. It's a lot of stuff that is probably deeply embedded in her mind. She was teased relentlessly in childhood and was a very shy adult.

I think another reasons that jerks tend to attract a lot of people is because they are usually loud and outspoken try to make other people feel bad which in turn makes them feel good. They often make themselves known. People who want to fit in will flock to that because they think being "known" = being "cool".

It's really sad.