Things Are So Messed Up!

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

If you do all go to WDW without your SIL, would your DD be willing to hire an investigator while you are away? If he is up to something, he might drop his guard while he thinks everyone is out of town. It might give her the ammunition she needs if he or she decide to divorce.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

If you do all go to WDW without your SIL, would your DD be willing to hire an investigator while you are away? If he is up to something, he might drop his guard while he thinks everyone is out of town. It might give her the ammunition she needs if he or she decide to divorce.

I am not the OP. I would be fearful if her DD did this and SIL found out all h*ll could break loose. Unless they have a prenup that states affairs are a no-no then he could have a million affairs and it won't matter. All a judge cares about is what was done in front of the children. I would second or third getting important papers of DGC out of that house before you leave. I think that DD should start a savings account (even a little one) that SIL doesn't know about (have all the papers sent to your house) in case DD decides to leave him. This way he cannot take all of the money (from the joint account) and leave her with nothing. It is better for DD to be prepared and not need it then end up surprised with nothing.

 

[YellowMickeyPonchos]

I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. One question - is she blind to any of the issues you have brought to us or is she fully aware that her marriage is in grave danger? That makes all of the difference in how you need to handle this. If she can't see the signs, you have a much harder road ahead. If she does see it, then I have a couple pieces of advice for your daughter.

1) If she starts to move belongings/important papers, she needs to do it very subtly - a few things at a time, so he doesn't really notice they are gone. It's really important that she doesn't give him any reason to be suspicious that she's doing this. He sounds as if he will jump on any action he catches her doing.

2) I see the red flag of cheating on her, too. Cell phone and computer privacy is the first sign. She definitely needs to be on her guard and need to get those accounts taken care of. Could you possibly set one up as a trust. You need to make sure that he can in no way get his hands on the account. Remember in 50/50 divorce states, he would get half of any money in her account. Also, she would have the right to 50% of his 401Ks. Make sure that in this economy, the divorce decree states a solid 50 - not as of the day the divorce happens. If that is what is stated, then if the 401 total rises, she'll only get half of the balance value from the divorce date and not of the gain in value. (Happened to me....)

3) Y'all really need to consult your attorney - especially if she is blind to what's happening. You need to have someone at the ready for her, just in case she needs the legal help when you get back from the trip.

4) I see the control issues that the others mentioned. The comments against her self-esteem are a big sign of him trying to keep her under his thumb. She needs to make sure she and your GS are talking to a professional to keep their esteem in tact, so she doesn't succumb to the abuse. Divorce is a horrible process for even the straight-thinking, life-experienced, well-adjusted folks. I can only imagine being so young and going through it with kids in tow. She doesn't need depression on top of the stress she already has.

5) Make sure she surrounds herself with one or two true friends she can trust. Not ones that are close to both of them and will go to her husband with anything she says. Even the best friend can turn on you when you divorce, so be careful who she confides in. I actually lost my best friend in my divorce. She ended up siding with my ex and saying some pretty horid things.

Good Luck.

 

[dzneelvr]

Sounds like the relationship is really broken right now and that his refusal to go on the trip is one of a boat-load of symptoms that your DSIL and DD will have to decide on their own if they want to fix. I think you have 3 options for keeping the trip: 1: go without the guy. if that is his choice, why should all of you have to make the same choice. 2. take only your DGS. if mom wants to stay home with hubby, maybe they can use the time alone to decide where the marriage goes. it's not unusual for grandparents to take kids to WDW. 3. go yourselves and use the time to make some memories of your own!

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

Thank you all for the support you have shown me and my family. It truly means a lot. Everything is so stressful and unsettled right now.

A little update: We went out with DD, DGS and SIL last night. We were schedule to have dinner and go to a Christmas program at his families church minus the family. SIl acted as he most always has in front of us, friendly, forthcoming and attentive towards son and wife too. It really made us uneasy. First we did not even think he would show up especially after DD told us all that has been going on. Second it appeared to us as if everything was fine. Well that is until we looked at our daughter. Her face showed stress and strain most of the night. Very moody too. She has ask us not to say anything to DH about the problems or divorce, not that we would anyway. She told us yesterday in private that it isn't over until its over and she would like to try and work the problems out if possible. She is very aware of the isssues but wants to do all she can to save her marriage - if possible. We know DD well enough to understand she will take as much as she can and then that will be it. She will put forth the hard work and effort and if no improvement she will altogether stop. I think she wants to do whatever she can to try and mend things that way she knows for herself she didn't just cut and run when things got rough. The relationship looks pretty bleak right now however DH and I are not living in the same house with them so we do not know the other have of the story the full and complete picture. We have seen some actions of our SIL that we fine troubling but as to the rest, we see only one side. Although we love our daughter dearly we realize there are usually two sides to every issue. SIL to us is a controlling, ego centric, idiot and we have never felt particualrly close to him even though we treat him repsectful and always thought with time we would grown to like the man. Perhaps they can work their problems out, large or small. Perhaps not. For now DH and I just need to listen, be a shoulder for DD and DGS if they need us and let DD and SIL decide what will or will not happen between them. This by far is the hardest part but we know we can not intervere.

Now to answer some of the questions you all have raised. Sorry the answers will not in order

SIL has not been physically agreesive towards DD or son aside from the yelling and threats of divorce which to DH and I, is bad enough.

DD has requested to bring her best friend on the trip since SIL bailed to accompany her on the drive down and back to WDW. She and DGS will be leaving at a different time then we are so she doesn't want to drive a lone. Also BF would help calm her down and get her mind off of things. She is also good with DGS. Though I would have perferred a family only vacation at this point perhaps its for the best. She is sure to have a bit of fun with her BFF alone for the ride. Maybe that is what is needed at this point in time to let her hair down and relax.

DH and I will suggest to DD that she may want to think about moving some important things of hers and son's out of the house but knowing DD she probably won't do this.

DH and I have talked to our attorney briefly and he has giving us some information which we have conveyed to her. We do live in a 50/50 state.

DH and I have told DD that she most certainly can come back home to live until she gets on her feet if the worse happens. Whether she would choose to do this or not, well we will see if the time comes.

As to possible custody if a divorce happens. SIL most likely will not get sole custody. I don't even think he really wants it. Rather he wants to control what she is allowed if they divorce and generally make things miseable for her like his older brother has done to his ex-wife. SIL works six days a week from 7-7. He has enlisted in the NC National Guard so he is also gone one weekend a month and in July he will be gone for at least 4 months not to mention if he ever gets deployed.

For the present we will continue our trip Jan 4-11 to Mickeymouse land with DD, DGS and her BF. There will be no talk of problems, divorce or the like while we are there. We want to show DGS a wonderful time and allow our daughter to relax and have some fun with her son. Thanks again everyone for your support.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like he (and your dd) is very unhappy. I don't doubt that he doesn't want to go on the vacation. I'm hope your dd is able to take her best friend. She could probably use the vacation and the time away from her husband.

I can't imagine how much it must hurt to watch your child go through this.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

TIGGERLOVINGGRANDMA...your DD is lucky to have a caring mother like you. I just wanted to comment on something you said that may make you feel better. I have gone through what your DD is only it was 11 years ago. When you said that SIL will most likely not get sole custody, I felt that this is what may be weighing on you DD's mind most. She may stay with SIL because he, most likely, has said she will never get custody, nobody is going to take away his kis....blah blah blah. Most men don't want custody because they can't imagine life w/o the child. They want to take away what matters most to te mother...THAT IS ALL. And you SIL threatening that is abuse. Sometimes emotional scars take longer heal than physical ones (it has been 11 years and I still have a few). But remember this...

No one...not SIL not the court is going to take away your DGC from you DD. It does not matter if she works or doesn't work. It doesn't matter if she lives alone or with you. And it will not matter what SIL says in court. Unless your DD is a bad mother (which it doesn't sound like it) AND SIL can prove it. Your DD will get full custody. He will get visitation and he will pay child support. So if this is one of the main reasons (I was for me) that DD wants it to work then she should be able to rest assure she will not lose her child.

 

[tinkyrie]

Sounds as though you're going out of your way to provide a wonderful vacation for all of them. It may actually be a blessing in disguise that DSIL is choosing not to go. Make the most of it, and don't let him ruin this fabulous opportunity to enjoy your DD and DGS! It was HIS CHOICE not to go, so there's no use feeling bad that he isn't there. He's the only one that will be missing out on all the fun. It is sad, but try to see the good in not having him there.

 

[melancholywings]

This sounds so much like a good friend of mine. Her husband is emotionally manipulative and abusive which is worse in some ways than physical abuse. At least with a bruise you know you're not imagining things. He cut her off from the outside world, tries to sabatoge her getting through school, threatened to leave when ever he didn't get his way, is not proactive in the life of their child, and had girls on the side - and for the longest time she wanted to try and save her marriage. I think in a situation like this you can only be there for support, so that she knows she's loved and knows she has some where to go.

 

[TommyTutone]

It's fairly apparent that the secretive with the computer and cell phone is because he is having an affair and is worried his wife will find out via him not hiding his tracks well enough. He doesn't want to go because he wants to have a full week with his mistress while the wife and kid are gone. He also wants her to initiate the divorce so that he can look like the angel (ha) and not lose everything when the infedility comes to light.

First thing I would do from your position, and it is not a good position to be in, is to take care of your daughter and grandkid and have a GREAT time at Disney, leaving the heel at home. The next thing is find a way to suggest to her that this may in fact be the case and/or pay for a private detective to follow him and get proof. This way she will be protected when the inevitable divorce occurs and she can retain custody.

 

[LadyShea]

He enjoys using the D word everytime they disagree or argue incl on Thanksgiving Day where upon he told her to leave the house without their son, that she had no rights what so ever because he works and pays for everything. He told her if they do divorce he knows exactly how to work it in his favor because his brother went through one

That right there would be the deal breaker for me..it's cruel, even abusive. I would have moved into my parents house and filed for divorce.

Everything you mentioned points to him being a pathologically self absorbed narcissist, and the secretiveness goes right with that type of personality, as narcissists are notorious cheaters (and emotional abusers). I'll bet there are bunch of other things your daughter hasn't shared with you, even.

I hope everything works out for the best, and she is lucky to have you

 

[Goofy'slady]

AFFAIR ALERT!!! My first marriage ended after only 4yrs and that scum of the earth had the nerve to have had started his cheating ways before my behind had even made it down the isle to take his sorry name (which by the way I never legally did) THANK GOD! Shortly after our 1st year of marriage we had our daughter and about another year after that I kicked that N***A out on the curb. I FILED for divorce and he didn't give me a lick of problems because he didn't think I had the strength in me to follow thru with it. Not only did I follow thru but I made that fool pay me up to his elbows in child support. no good so-n-so! But hey!, I had a feeling things would end up that way because although we were young when we married (me 20, him 21) I was ready for the commitment and all he was ready for was a good time and that included with or without me.

Since then I've remarried and even given my oldest daughter a lil sister. I have to stay in contact with that fool because of child support issues and trust me I may speak to him 3-4 times a year basically to say "Look fool it's been a month since I recieved any money are you working dummy?" or my fave "Explisive... where the explisive is my money?". It's not that he doesn't pay child support but he's always switching jobs and it takes a while for him to get caught up and everything. He's now out of another job, living with friends, no car, no bank account, bad credit and I'm sure he's miserable. Believe it or not I wish him no ill will because Karma has taken care of all of that for me. He's no father to our daughter hasn't seen her in almost two yrs and speaks to her only a handful of times in a year.

Sounds to me that if you're SIL can't get his act together it's a gift waiting to be unwrapped by your daughter. Anytime a relationship good or bad ends it's hard on those involved in this case for her it may be that way in the begining but if she remembers these words "Honey, I can do bad all by myself I don't need yo dusty behind helping me" she'll be wiser and happier for it.

Go to Disney and show her and that grand baby of yours the time of their lives.

Peace and Blessings!
T.

 

[ladulce]

What he is doing to your daughter is emotional abuse. I would be concerned for her safety. Your description of him is the EXACT beginning M.O. of an abuser. He wants her to stay home so that he can isolate her. He doesn't want her to strengthen her bonds with you. His threats of taking the child, telling her she has no rights, and, belittling her are part of a plan to make her helpless and vulnerable. Please take this seriously. IF you can get your daughter to Disney with you, the chance to be away from him may prove enough for her to realize how bad he is for her. These men are very manipulative, and, it is difficult to comprehend that someone that kisses you and claims to love you, that you share so much with is harming you. Know that the average woman will leave an abusive husband 9 times before she stays gone. Also, please be aware of the effects that this is having- or will have- on their young son, and, how it will effect his relationship with his mother and other women. Here are some links. I have worked with this issue professionally and have gone through it myself. The things that you are seeing or aware of, I can almost promise you, are just the tip of the ice berg. She wants you to like him, so, she will withold his worst insults from you. Please look at these links, and, if you ever need to talk- or if she does, please PM me. God bless you.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://students.usask.ca/wellness/info/mentalhealth/emotionalabuse/cycle/

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

What he is doing to your daughter is emotional abuse. I would be concerned for her safety. Your description of him is the EXACT beginning M.O. of an abuser. He wants her to stay home so that he can isolate her. He doesn't want her to strengthen her bonds with you. His threats of taking the child, telling her she has no rights, and, belittling her are part of a plan to make her helpless and vulnerable. Please take this seriously. IF you can get your daughter to Disney with you, the chance to be away from him may prove enough for her to realize how bad he is for her. These men are very manipulative, and, it is difficult to comprehend that someone that kisses you and claims to love you, that you share so much with is harming you. Know that the average woman will leave an abusive husband 9 times before she stays gone. Also, please be aware of the effects that this is having- or will have- on their young son, and, how it will effect his relationship with his mother and other women. Here are some links. I have worked with this issue professionally and have gone through it myself. The things that you are seeing or aware of, I can almost promise you, are just the tip of the ice berg. She wants you to like him, so, she will withold his worst insults from you. Please look at these links, and, if you ever need to talk- or if she does, please PM me. God bless you.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://students.usask.ca/wellness/info/mentalhealth/emotionalabuse/cycle/

ITA. This is a scary situation. If he is having an affair that is tha absolute last thing I would be worried about. An affair (while is can hurt you DD) is so minor compared to what could hapen to DD.

 

[TarzansKat]

I've read some of your posts before and I just want to say my heart goes out to you. I hope that you're still able to take the trip, leave him behind, and have a good time. As for the larger picture, I think only your daughter will be able to decide what's right for her, and I know you'll be there to support her. I know it must be so frustrating to watch her go through this, and I applaud you for how much you help with her and your little grandbaby.