They Call Me MISTER PIG- He Said, She Said (9/1 Lights, Thunder, Fantasmic? Page 47)

[brandi~momof3]

#1....you are not the worst mom ever so stop thinking that way. It is not your fault that He flaked. He is obviously young and immature and not done partying. Fine, but HE should have thought of that before he drug a wife and 2 kids into it.

#2...get a lawyer, like NOW. DO NOT let him play on your sympathies or dreams for "what should have been" and take advantage of you. BE STRONG and get what you need to make a comfortable life for you and your kids.

#3....Cat's Dance. He should have to provide you the same life you have become accustomed to and if that includes paying for her dance, so be it. Tell him if he wont help you out and pay for her dance, you may have to move to Texas after all to save some money.

#4...moving. I dont think any judge would tell you that you CANT move where you want if it would provide you an education opportunity and help you be a better provider. DH's ex wife moved his kid from Louisiana to Oregon cause she would be by family to help her. No one stopped her. If its hard for him to see the kid, TOUGH S*(&!! Thats HIS fault! You can see how much weight "I would die for my kids" will carry.

#5...your education. DO NOT give up!!! I was previously married to a very emotionaly and verbally abusive man who did not want me to go to school. He did not want me to have friends or an education cause he realized that if I did, he couldnt treat me like crap and expect me to stay. (we had no kid) I quit college a few times and then talked him into "letting" me go back, etc. Toward the end things got REALLY bad and I thought about quitting for good but I didnt. I got student loans, grants, whatever it took and I finished and I got my teaching degree and it was the absolute best decision I have ever made in my entire life. It provided me with a way to support myself and a family. After I finished I divorced him. I was never able to before because I didnt have the money, no place to live, and no money for school. Education gives you room to go WHEW and let out the breath you have been holding in. PLEASE do not give it up. Its not fair for him to decide he wants to party and you have to give up your dreams.

#6....even though it seems like it now, this is NOT the worst thing in the world that could happen to you. You have your children. Cat is scared and she is lashing out at the one closest to her (you). Just let her know that you love her and you will take care of her. I was a child of divorce too (when I was 3) and those words would have meant the world to me. You have your family who is willing to step up to the plate and help you pick up the pieces. Thats priceless. I know you have friends in real life and you have them here. (when does she start school? Maybe the counselor at her school could talk to her and help her or put you in touch with some free/low cost counseling for her)

I would suggest a few things to look into. It might suck, but you could go to social services and seek family assistance. You could qualify for foodstamps at the very least. Also, you may be able to get help with first months rent if you have to move from your home or apartment.

Also, look into the local Catholic Charities organization.You don't have to be catholic to get help from them. Most states have them. They have food vouchers usually for the local grocery stores and pantries. They might be able to help with cash assistance also to move into a new place. Another option is to call the local United Way office in your area explain your situation. They know all the local agencies that offer help and assistance. They can point you in the right direction. Some agencies will help with furniture and household items too.

Do you work? Do you have any money coming in besides his? Do what you have to do to get your degree and be able to support your kids. No man should be able to destroy your world and the world of your kids just with one sentence. Thats really unfair and it really sucks. I am so sorry.

Thinking of you...........

Very mature and sound advice! My heart is so broken over all of these decisions you're being forced to make, Becca. . . lots of prayers being offered up your way.

I agree. You and the children are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[disneyquilter]

#1....you are not the worst mom ever so stop thinking that way. It is not your fault that He flaked. He is obviously young and immature and not done partying. Fine, but HE should have thought of that before he drug a wife and 2 kids into it.

#2...get a lawyer, like NOW. DO NOT let him play on your sympathies or dreams for "what should have been" and take advantage of you. BE STRONG and get what you need to make a comfortable life for you and your kids.

#3....Cat's Dance. He should have to provide you the same life you have become accustomed to and if that includes paying for her dance, so be it. Tell him if he wont help you out and pay for her dance, you may have to move to Texas after all to save some money.

#4...moving. I dont think any judge would tell you that you CANT move where you want if it would provide you an education opportunity and help you be a better provider. DH's ex wife moved his kid from Louisiana to Oregon cause she would be by family to help her. No one stopped her. If its hard for him to see the kid, TOUGH S*(&!! Thats HIS fault! You can see how much weight "I would die for my kids" will carry.

#5...your education. DO NOT give up!!! I was previously married to a very emotionaly and verbally abusive man who did not want me to go to school. He did not want me to have friends or an education cause he realized that if I did, he couldnt treat me like crap and expect me to stay. (we had no kid) I quit college a few times and then talked him into "letting" me go back, etc. Toward the end things got REALLY bad and I thought about quitting for good but I didnt. I got student loans, grants, whatever it took and I finished and I got my teaching degree and it was the absolute best decision I have ever made in my entire life. It provided me with a way to support myself and a family. After I finished I divorced him. I was never able to before because I didnt have the money, no place to live, and no money for school. Education gives you room to go WHEW and let out the breath you have been holding in. PLEASE do not give it up. Its not fair for him to decide he wants to party and you have to give up your dreams.

#6....even though it seems like it now, this is NOT the worst thing in the world that could happen to you. You have your children. Cat is scared and she is lashing out at the one closest to her (you). Just let her know that you love her and you will take care of her. I was a child of divorce too (when I was 3) and those words would have meant the world to me. You have your family who is willing to step up to the plate and help you pick up the pieces. Thats priceless. I know you have friends in real life and you have them here. (when does she start school? Maybe the counselor at her school could talk to her and help her or put you in touch with some free/low cost counseling for her)

I would suggest a few things to look into. It might suck, but you could go to social services and seek family assistance. You could qualify for foodstamps at the very least. Also, you may be able to get help with first months rent if you have to move from your home or apartment.

Also, look into the local Catholic Charities organization.You don't have to be catholic to get help from them. Most states have them. They have food vouchers usually for the local grocery stores and pantries. They might be able to help with cash assistance also to move into a new place. Another option is to call the local United Way office in your area explain your situation. They know all the local agencies that offer help and assistance. They can point you in the right direction. Some agencies will help with furniture and household items too.

Do you work? Do you have any money coming in besides his? Do what you have to do to get your degree and be able to support your kids. No man should be able to destroy your world and the world of your kids just with one sentence. Thats really unfair and it really sucks. I am so sorry.

Thinking of you...........

Becca--this is wonderful, sound advice and no one could've said it better.

You are a wonderful mom and do not ever doubt yourself or your abilities for a minute. You sound like a strong woman. You will get through this. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system in your family. If you need to move, well, you need to move, and do not allow him to hold you back. You need to do what's in the best interest of your children and you and if that means you need to move to another state to finish up your education to better your family's life, so be it.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

 

[dreamer17555]

So Another quick update. I wanted to thank Snowwhite for all of the advice, and all the other posters too.

I do not have any really job. I tutor on the side and have a tiny bit of money from that and I have some (not much) in My savings account. I have a year left before I get my degree. I am looking into loans and whatever I can possibly get right now.

I do have an attorney. My dad is helping with the cost but I guess if things go right in the end He ends up paying? I am so confused. My attorney said he could get me a Hardship Move, if I wanted it, so I could take both of the children to Texas.

I actually am Catholic strangely enough, a bit lapsed but He did not like any religion at all. My mom used to make sure Cat and her did Breakfast every Sunday so that she could take her to church. He did not like that but I sorta pushed the issue. It was important to me.

He stopped by unannounced earlier this morning. He though I had probably already caught a flight out for the funeral. Let’s just say things didn’t go well. Cat freaked out for a moment and after a bit of coaxing agreed to talk to him (with me). She sat curled up in my lap and cried a bit but mostly seemed a bit like her old self. Which was good I guess, but He then thinks she is doing fine. I tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want to work on us, he is offering me some money though so I should be happy I guess. I don’t think he realizes that money won’t fix the damage He is doing. In fact He acts like it is no big deal and the kids will be fine.

So then he goes to leave and Cat starts to cry and ask over and over “Why can’t he stay?” She continues to cry for over an hour. I finally calm her down and not the smartest thing ever call He and tell him never ever, ever to come by unannounced like that again. I know I should just cut all contact but I was so angry. I do not react well when my child is in pain because of someone being selfish.

Then Cat comes in my room crying again and I notice funny red bumps coming up on her chest and stomach and arms. I freak and take her to the pediatrician thinking something horrible. Turns out to be hives. She is given a shot of something and sent home where she is now sleeping soundly in my bed. I talked to the pediatrician and she said since there has been no change in her food or soaps that she is guessing they were brought on by stress and recommended a good therapist. I explained the insurance and divorce to her and she offered to write a letter to the courts explaining that Cat needs to be treated, so hopefully He will have to pay for that.


I am going to send out PMs tonight. Take care.

-Becca-

 

[Camster0307]

Becca - I hope HE does pay for the therapy for Cat; will not look good for him if he doesn't.

Two things, and I don't know if this varies from state to state: as far as legal fees go, I think you may both be responsible for your own. My ex. was the one who left, wanted the divorce, didn't want to try; I was a SAHM with two kids; but when all was said it done, it wasn't even up for negotiation. My divorce was final two years ago and I'm still paying that bill.

Obviously, he's going to accept no responsibility for any turmoil he's putting the children through. Of course, he wants to pretend they will be all right; he's the one causing the pain; he will probably never acknowledge it. Like I said, I think the best thing you can do for Cat is validate everything she's feeling! She needs to know that it is ok and normal to feel angry, sad, hurt, betrayed (you too!) Don't ever let him try to "gloss" over his actions by pretending this is all no big deal!

 

[Princesskeyblade]

All our love goes out to you, the baby and Cat.

I am glad you have an attorney, and that he is going to take care for your interests of you and your children.

I am also keeping my fingers crossed that you get the Hardship move if you want it.

If you ever need to talk, you are more than welcome to send me a PM!


Because you need a lot of them!

 

[karajeboo]

Becca - I've seen so much good advice on here, but the one thing you have to remember is to take care of yourself so you can take care of those babies! Get lots of rest and don't forget yourself.

If He offers money, take it.

Do not beat yourself up over this either. It is not your fault. You were completely blindsided by this!

And just be there for Cat. She will need your shoulder to cry on, and your ear to listen.

And follow the advice of what so many others have said. Get that attorney and do what you have to do to take care of YOU and the kids!!!

 

[creativeamanda]

Becca,

You have been in my thoughts the entire weekend and I am so sorry you have to go through this. In the state of North Carolina (I'm sure your attorney has told you this) even in a noncontested divorce, a year of separation MUST precede the divorce. Further, if he has abandoned you, he will have to pay the legal fees. Document every penny he gives you right now and give him a receipt now. He may get cold feet about giving you money and try have a decrease in child support later. Prove he was able to do it now, he can do it later.

In the end with the state he has left you in, he should have to pay alimony and child support. You can move to Texas if it will make you better able to provide for your children and can prove it (which shouldn't be hard).

Don't take dance away from Cat. Tell him he has to pay it and if need be, have a judge go ahead and order it. Rather it is a finalized divorce or not, a special procedings hearing can take place. In that case, a guardian ad litem would be named for your daughter.

You are an awesome mom. Be glad you went to Disney. As far as I am concerned, it was Cat's last time with the two of you together and a time she will treasure.

I personally think it was rotten of him to decide to do all of this for your anniversary. I'll still come and strangle him if you want. I don't live too far away.

 

[ENSOCK]

Becca,
I can't give you any advice, but the advice given sounds great. I just wanted to give you and the kids a dis hug!

 

[disneyquilter]

Hi there Becca,

If you need to talk, please PM me. I feel terrible for you and your little ones to have to endure this.

You are in my heart and prayers

We are all here for you

 

[stagemomx3]

Good you have an attorney! Now get the attorney working on a visitation schedule, do not let HE just drop by. That is not good for you or the kids. Be sure the attorney knows that Cat broke out in hives after her father's visit and that her doctor says she NEEDS therapy. My suggestion is that all communication between you and HE go through your attorney, at least for now. It should help to keep things simpler and more clear cut, and protect you from being manipulated into agree to things that are not good for you or the children.

 

[dreamer17555]

Good you have an attorney! Now get the attorney working on a visitation schedule, do not let HE just drop by. That is not good for you or the kids. Be sure the attorney knows that Cat broke out in hives after her father's visit and that her doctor says she NEEDS therapy. My suggestion is that all communication between you and HE go through your attorney, at least for now. It should help to keep things simpler and more clear cut, and protect you from being manipulated into agree to things that are not good for you or the children.

I know it should go through the attorney. I just was so darn mad. And that was before the hives! My attorney is working on a visitation schedule but since He is currently living with a friend I am not sure what is going to happen with all of that. I called the attorney's office and the doctor sent him a copy of her note recommending therapy for Cat asap. I still need to get the address of where he is staying so my attorney can send him any paper work. Its a big mess and in NC we have to be seperated for a year before we can get divorced. I hate all of this. I was so happy and unaware before and now I am so angry I don't like feeling like this. Its just not how I usually am.-Becca-

 

[karajeboo]

Becca - I for one think the anger is good. That shows your strength.

 

[swwake]

I had to get a restraining order against my ex husband to keep him from coming to the house uninvited. Don't be surprised if your attorney recommends it.

I am glad you are (seemingly) keeping your composure. You are obviously very strong. Stay strong for Cat. And even though you think the baby may not be affected, believe me, he is. Katie was only 16 months old when we separated. It is a life-long impact. You will be supporting the baby emotionally just as you are Cat.

I am glad Cat is resting and that she will receive therapy. I am afraid this is going to get very dirty (as mine did). PM me if you need a shoulder.

 

[swwake]

Oh one more thing. I also had a restraining order to prevent my ex husband (I just can't type Ex-DH - doesn't fit) from removing ANYTHING from the house, since he still had a key after we separated. Unfortunately, I didn't get the restraining order in time, and he took everything except what was in the nursery. And that was on his attorney's recommendation. All I got back was a TV, a lamp, and the kitchen table.

 

[karajeboo]

Oh one more thing. I also had a restraining order to prevent my ex husband (I just can't type Ex-DH - doesn't fit) from removing ANYTHING from the house, since he still had a key after we separated. Unfortunately, I didn't get the restraining order in time, and he took everything except what was in the nursery. And that was on his attorney's recommendation. All I got back was a TV, a lamp, and the kitchen table.

This happened to a friend of mine - her ex even took family mementos from HER family, and she never got them back! Protect yourself!!!

 

[swwake]

This happened to a friend of mine - her ex even took family mementos from HER family, and she never got them back! Protect yourself!!!

The worst was that mine got the birthing video.

 

[stagemomx3]

Its a big mess and in NC we have to be seperated for a year before we can get divorced. I hate all of this. I was so happy and unaware before and now I am so angry I don't like feeling like this. Its just not how I usually am.-Becca-

Is it different in Texas? Would it be better if you are moving there to wait and file in that state?

 

[stagemomx3]

Ok- Next step- CHANGE THE LOCKS!

 

[julezdisney]

My only advice was to document EVERYTHING but someone else beat me to it- everyone has given you such awesome advice, and I'm so glad you've gotten an attorney.

You're doing so great, and don't EVER feel you are a bad mother! YOU did not do this!

I will repeat what other's have said- don't quit school, Becca. Don't. You need it now more than ever. Do whatever it takes, call your school's financial aid office, your counselr- whatever.

Good luck and thanks for letting us know how you're doing, I know we're the last of your problems!

 

[galnar]

God bless you and your babies. Things suck now but you are going to be OK.