The Total Transformation - behavior problems

[Zandy595]

Has anyone tried this program by James Lehman? I keep seeing the commercials and wondering if it really helps.

We need to do something with DS13 before things get any worse. I just don't know where to turn. I know his school probably has counseling, but that won't help us learn how to handle his behavior.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am reading the reviews and sounds pretty cool. They have a 30 day FREE trial period.

 

[everylastbreath]

First I have to say, I have never used the program- but I have to admit I giggle a little whenever I hear the commercial. I think these types of programs prey on parents who think there is some kind of "Magic" cure to fix their teen/pre teen, and it's all common sense that you probably already know but are not consistant in using. My kids are now in there twenties, when they were teens, we were involved in many diff. programs including one called "tough love" which is probably an extreme for what you need. But basically the idea is that you say something, you stick to it, you do it. With teens/children in general, empty threats don't work- they must know you are serious or you will get no results from them. Keep in mind that even though you don't feel it, you are in control of all the cards... once you truely believe that you will be very surprised how they listen. Do not argue with them, say what you need to say and don't debate them. Your word should be the last one, remember something that I learned along the way... when you are working do you debate your boss? no, you just do as your told, there is no debate his/her word is usually the last.

Get control of your child now, trust me it get's worse if you don't. Good luck, I wouldn't waste your money on those programs, just do what you already know- just do it consistantly

 

[Zandy595]

It is religious based, so would not work for me. I would suggest to you to get some family counselign with a licensed therapist.

Really? I wouldn't have guessed that from the commercials. That would be ok with me if it wasn't too religious.
I wouldn't even know how to go about finding a therapist. I wonder if our insurance would cover it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Really? I wouldn't have guessed that from the commercials. That would be ok with me if it wasn't too religious.
I wouldn't even know how to go about finding a therapist. I wonder if our insurance would cover it.

I am taking that back as I am not so sure now reading the reviews. Lots of them!

http://ratings.thetotaltransformation.com/index.php?page=2&Sort=&ord=

My guess is that I already do "Total Transformation" with my kids.......

 

[Zandy595]

DS is really a good kid, but he has anger issues. He gets crazy angry about really little things. For example, last night we made these toffee bars together. I ate one before he did and he went nuts. He said he won't eat them now and to just throw them out. I don't know how to handle that. It's how a 2 year old would act. I told him to calm down, that it wasn't a big deal, but once he goes off the edge there is no talking to him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DS is really a good kid, but he has anger issues. He gets crazy angry about really little things. For example, last night we made these toffee bars together. I ate one before he did and he went nuts. He said he won't eat them now and to just throw them out. I don't know how to handle that. It's how a 2 year old would act. I told him to calm down, that it wasn't a big deal, but once he goes off the edge there is no talking to him.

From reading the reviews it sounds like this would help you.

When I read anger issues I see depression and anxiety. Anger can be a by product instead of withdrawling.

 

[HeatherH]

Please ask your son's pediatrician or doctor for a referral to child psychologist. That kind of behavior is NOT normal teen/pre-teen behavior. You definitely need professional help, not a self-help program. Has he ever had any sort of professional evaluation?

I hope you are able to get some help for your son. Good luck.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

There is a psychologist in Vancouver, BC, named Dr. Gordon Neufeld who has some excellent programs for parents. You can order his DVDs or find someone who teaches or uses his approach from his website. (www.gordonneufeld.com)

What he says (and obviously this is a very basic, very much simplified summary - and I am not a qualified instructor, just a student of his work) is that the relationship between the parent and child is the key to effective parenting. If your child is "attached" to you (and he explains what that attachment is and how it works), then parenting is much easier.

If your child has become more attached to peers that to parents, or if the child is not feeling connected to you, then parenting will be difficult. You can try to force the behaviours you want, but often the child will just learn to be sneakier and not get caught and your relationship will deteriorate further.

So he gives a lot of advice about how to create the right kind of relationship with your child or teenage. The steps you need to take depend on what the problems are between you.

Teresa

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Please ask your son's pediatrician or doctor for a referral to child psychologist. That kind of behavior is NOT normal teen/pre-teen behavior. You definitely need professional help, not a self-help program. Has he ever had any sort of professional evaluation?

I hope you are able to get some help for your son. Good luck.

Agree. I have taken both of my girls to mental health professionals when they needed it. The key is you have to get help when you need help. It is not that you are weak or your kid is awful, it means you need another way to handle things.

Right now my 12yodd started Lexapro. She was a the withdrawal type of person with her anxiety. Her anxiety has always been obvious.

My oldest who is 18, is on ProZac. She has some OCD type stuff with her anxiety and hers will manifest itself as anger. Of course now she is 18 she can say that the meds make her feel "normal".

She was on some meds in about 5-6th grade and then she tried it to deal without them and had to go back on them.

While meds are not the answer for everyone, and believe me I tried other things, until it became necessary to go the psychiatrist route.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I just looked at Dr. Neufeld's website and he has some audio downloads that are relatively cheap ($18) of some of his presentations - there's one specifically on the parent-teen relationship that I'm sure would be helpful, for example.

Teresa

 

[Disney Doll]

DS is really a good kid, but he has anger issues. He gets crazy angry about really little things. For example, last night we made these toffee bars together. I ate one before he did and he went nuts. He said he won't eat them now and to just throw them out. I don't know how to handle that. It's how a 2 year old would act. I told him to calm down, that it wasn't a big deal, but once he goes off the edge there is no talking to him.

It sounds like there is more there than a lack of consistency.

I would recommend a professional behavioral counselor.

That is not age-appropriate behavior for a teenager, and if he does it in school, it will make him an outcast.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just wanted to add that I started the "HUG THERAPY" with my oldest. We were always fighting, etc 5th grade and up...and then one day I started hugging her instead of the usual banter.

I can honestly say that really helped. Like the other poster is saying about building trust and a connection with your kids is key rather than fighting all the time which pushes them away.

What triggered it was one day her nurse practioner said that something was different with her. I knew then I had to make changes. She did not respond to negative punishment, in fact she enjoyed it, if that makes sense. It gave her the conviction to dig her heels in more and be justified why she was mad.

Good Luck OP! Hang in there.....help is out there, you just have to actively find it and implement it.

 

[Zandy595]

It sounds like there is more there than a lack of consistency.

I would recommend a professional behavioral counselor.

That is not age-appropriate behavior for a teenager, and if he does it in school, it will make him an outcast.

He doesn't have any problems at school. It's only at home. It's like he thinks he needs to control everything here. And of course we don't let him do that and that's where the anger comes in.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He doesn't have any problems at school. It's only at home. It's like he thinks he needs to control everything here. And of course we don't let him do that and that's where the anger comes in.

That sounds like OCD. You do need a professional assessment before you take on Total Transformation or any other self help.

You need to know what you are dealing with.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

That need to control everything is one of the things Dr. Neufeld talks about a lot. It can definitely be a sign that there are problems in the parent-child relationship.

Here's my attempt to summarize (again, very rough!): When you have a strong parent-child attachment, the child recognizes that the adult is "in charge" and is comfortable with that and will go along with the parent's requests and direction. It's not forced, it comes out of the relationship. When the relationship isn't good, the child feels that he has to take charge. He's not happy with the parent being in control because he doesn't feel that natural desire to cooperate with the parent, so he tries to take over. That doesn't work, and the child wouldn't really be happy even if it did. It often leads to a lot of anger.

What he really wants is to have the relationship strong again so that he can feel comfortable taking direction from his parents.

Yes, teens will often want to talk more about "why" they should whatever the parents have asked. That's part of their preparation for growing up and taking on their own responsibilities. But they should still see the parent as the one in charge.

Teresa

 

[eeyoremum]

DS is really a good kid, but he has anger issues. He gets crazy angry about really little things. For example, last night we made these toffee bars together. I ate one before he did and he went nuts. He said he won't eat them now and to just throw them out. I don't know how to handle that. It's how a 2 year old would act. I told him to calm down, that it wasn't a big deal, but once he goes off the edge there is no talking to him.

Not to make lite of your situation but frankly if my DS freaked and said he would not eat the food. I would say something like "good more for me". If he freaks I would walk away and not give him an audience. Just like you would a toddler having a tantrum.

Tell him if he is going to act like a two year old you will treat him like a two year old then do it!! Send him to bed at 7. Tell him he can't do/watch/go out because it is too mature for him.

Personally, I think many parents today (not saying you are) look for a "medical" reason for misbehaviour. Plus with just the one example I might be off base but it sounds like he is see how far he can push you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Not to make lite of your situation but frankly if my DS freaked and said he would not eat the food. I would say something like "good more for me". If he freaks I would walk away and not give him an audience. Just like you would a toddler having a tantrum.

Tell him if he is going to act like a two year old you will treat him like a two year old then do it!! Send him to bed at 7. Tell him he can't do/watch/go out because it is too mature for him.

Personally, I think many parents today (not saying you are) look for a "medical" reason for misbehaviour. Plus with just the one example I might be off base but it sounds like he is see how far he can push you.

Personally I think parents look the other way when there is a mental health issue.

 

[hentob]

Please ask your son's pediatrician or doctor for a referral to child psychologist. That kind of behavior is NOT normal teen/pre-teen behavior.

I will second this

Maybe there is someting deeper than acting naughty. Your doctor can help you.

Has he always been like this?

Kudos to you for trying to help your son

 

[Zandy595]

Not to make lite of your situation but frankly if my DS freaked and said he would not eat the food. I would say something like "good more for me". If he freaks I would walk away and not give him an audience. Just like you would a toddler having a tantrum.

Tell him if he is going to act like a two year old you will treat him like a two year old then do it!! Send him to bed at 7. Tell him he can't do/watch/go out because it is too mature for him.

Personally, I think many parents today (not saying you are) look for a "medical" reason for misbehaviour. Plus with just the one example I might be off base but it sounds like he is see how far he can push you.

That was my first reaction when he started acting like this, but it seemed to make things a lot worse.

I will second this

Maybe there is someting deeper than acting naughty. Your doctor can help you.

Has he always been like this?

Kudos to you for trying to help your son

No, he hasn't always been like this. I can't really put a finger on when it started, but it's gotten worse since he started middle school (he's in 7th grade).