The perfect custody agreement

[DisneyBamaFan]

How do you handle when someone cancels parenting time? I am the residential parent, and in our agreement he has every other Sunday for 10 hours. If he cancels for a Sunday, then I am expected to just keep them. He does not get a babysitter for them. But if I need a babysitter for any of the time that I have them, then I have to pay. Has anyone else handled this situation? It just really irks me that this is his attitude. It is kind of a mute point now, since he has moved and doesn't see them at all. I want him to pay for a babysitter when he is supposed to have them, but he does not make enough to cover that at this point.

It is the price that you pay for winning custody of your children. JMO, but if I were in your shoes, I would just be happy to have the extra time with my kids.

Unexpected no-shows are another story, where you have to cancel plans. But I am still not sure that I would go the sitter route.

 

[Daisy&Max]

I'm curious as to why parents would put in a clause about adult sleep overs. My ex and I never even had that discussion. We just assumed that each other was allowed to live their own lives after the breakup. So I'm asking in all sincerity and curiosity, why would you put that into the agreement?

Daisy

 

[dhardawa]

In my state, it is pretty standard to have a blurb in there stating that neither parent is allowed to speak negatively of the other one in front of the child. No problem. Her dad and I get along okay. I wish I had had them reword it though to read that neither parent is allowed to expose the child to anyone who speaks negatively about either parent. I don't badmouth Emily's dad and he doesn't badmouth me. Unfortunately, her stepmom badmouths me, verbally abuses her father, and also verbally abuses her. I'm just thankful they live 6 hours away and she isn't there much.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

I'm curious as to why parents would put in a clause about adult sleep overs. My ex and I never even had that discussion. We just assumed that each other was allowed to live their own lives after the breakup. So I'm asking in all sincerity and curiosity, why would you put that into the agreement?

Daisy

Well, the reason the judges in Texas accept it is as a morality issue...to keep parents from showing their kids the example of sleeping together when not married.

But the real reasons I have heard people use for wanting it in are jealousy at being replaced, punishing the ex, and distrust of the ex making choices of mates that should not be around the kids.

 

[rie'smom]

The real problem is adults acting like children, not the context of the custody agreements. A lot of the things that I read in that other thread that people want to include are ridiculous. When you get divorced, you lose the right to dictate how the person that you divorced will live their lives. For some reason, divorced people try to continue to punish their ex in any way possible, including through their children.

Thank-you!

When my first husband and I divorced, we had 2 things in the custody agreement. He paid our son's insurance and child support. There was no visitation stipulations. He had liberal visitation because we felt that it was important to our son to see both his parents as much as possible. If our son had planned to go to see his dad but a school event, sporting event,birthday party, etc. came up, his dad understood and they just rescheduled. If it was a school or sporting event, his dad came up to participate. Husbands 1 and 2 got along very well because they put our son first. We used common sense and always thought about child. Husband #1 died when our boy was 10 years old. I was so happy that he and his dad had always been able to spend time together and that he had never been put in the middle of 2 adults fighting. His dad died in December 1985 and my husband let him know that he always considered him a son. If he ever wanted to make it official by adoption, let him know. He did on Father's Day 1986. I think the fact that he knew that all 3 of us loved him, had put him first, and that his 2 dads had gotten along made this a decision he felt comfortable with.

 

[Tammi67]

I'm curious as to why parents would put in a clause about adult sleep overs. My ex and I never even had that discussion. We just assumed that each other was allowed to live their own lives after the breakup. So I'm asking in all sincerity and curiosity, why would you put that into the agreement?

Daisy

Morals. Period. I thought that would be self-explanatory. And needing to ask that question just reinforced my theory that morality is taking a huge nose dive in this country.

 

[Abbeys_mom]

Morals. Period. I thought that would be self-explanatory. And needing to ask that question just reinforced my theory that morality is taking a huge nose dive in this country.

Wow, rude much? She asked an honest question. And those would be your morals, not everyone's. Do you get nosebleeds often? Your horse if awfully high.

 

[Mama Who]

THANK YOU!!! Some of these things are down right silly!!! if you divorce you do NOT get to control your exs life..period BOTH parents can parent how they want as long as it is not hurting the child!!cutting hair? are you kidding me? as long as the child is taken care of and safe a judge will not go back and order these things...

Actually, some will. A woman I know got a clause added to her order after her ex returned her boys the weekend before her wedding with bright blue mohawks. Done just to mess with her. Judges have been known to slap people down for things that are fairly petty.

My custody arrangement is both ridiculous and immensely satisfactory. I make all the rules and call all the shots. I notify about major decisions but need not (and seldom do) solicit opinions from the bio-dad. Works well for me and biodad hasn't objected, so I'm not too fussed about rights he doesn't seem to want. Oh- except that the frequency of visitation is determined by the child. That's his privilege.

 

[Daisy&Max]

Morals. Period. I thought that would be self-explanatory. And needing to ask that question just reinforced my theory that morality is taking a huge nose dive in this country.

Wow!!!! Ok. Well, I think my morals are just fine. I don't lie, I don't cheat, and I don't steal. I am teaching my kids these same morals. My thinking is if you are divorced you have no say in what happens in the other person's life, just as I sure as heck don't want someone to tell me how I'm supposed to live. As long the kids are safe and well taken care of, it shouldn't be anyone else's concern.

Thank you Abbey's mom...I agree with your comments!

Daisy

 

[rie'smom]

Morals. Period. I thought that would be self-explanatory. And needing to ask that question just reinforced my theory that morality is taking a huge nose dive in this country.

Yikes! I guess the right to make judgments about other people would be sky rocketing?

 

[bethy]

While I personally do have moral concerns regarding sex outside of marriage and also practical concerns about folks living together, my main objections to an ex having girlfriends or boyfriends sleep over are these:

1. Instability. I believe it's very hard on children to have adults come in and out of their lives. I hate the thought of my children forming a bond with someone and then having that person leave them. That's a big reason IMO why marriage is and should be meant to be a lifelong commitment.

2. Safety. Especially if the overnight guests were males. There are very few males whom I would feel comfortable having overnight access to my children. 'Nuff said.

I have always felt very strongly that if heaven forbid something were to happen to my DH that I would not seriously date or remarry until my children were out of the house or nearly out of the house. But I'm super independent that way.

 

[tvguy]

No experience with this.

But the feeling I get from my co-workers in this situation is most items in the custody agreement aren't work the paper they are printed on.

One lady I know agreed to forgive half the back child support she was owed because the only solution the courts could offer was throwing her ex in jail, and she would get absolutely nothing if that happened.

 

[disfan07]

Morals. Period. I thought that would be self-explanatory. And needing to ask that question just reinforced my theory that morality is taking a huge nose dive in this country.

Nope. People who feel so highly of themselves and judge like this is whats wrong with the country.

You have your morals but you have no right whatsoever to place your morals on anyone else. Thinking that eveyrone should have your morals is so wrong and it makes you worse than someone with no morals IMO.

Don't keep your nose so stuck up....you may drown when it rains.

I only had 2 friends growing up whos parents were divorced (and they were twins...so only one set of parents). They had a very amicable divorce. They saw their dad every week. Their dad was always at their events. It was funny, because I always thought that was how divorce worked until I was older and heard more stories about divorce. I just wasn't exposed first hand to any other divorce situations.

From what I have read on hear, I feel like there are many parents who are just trynig to get back at their ex and who don't really care about the kids. They claim to care about the kids but it seems that they only use their kids as pawns in revenge.

Note, I did not say ALL the stories on here. I have also read many stories on here where the ex really is an a$$ and uninvolved and they are really trying to do whats best for the kids but seriously???
Religion, pierced ears, haircuts, etc? That's just petty and very immature IMHO.

If the other parent is still involved they are not just YOUR kids, they are your ex's kids as well.

 

[Daisy&Max]

While I personally do have moral concerns regarding sex outside of marriage and also practical concerns about folks living together, my main objections to an ex having girlfriends or boyfriends sleep over are these:

1. Instability. I believe it's very hard on children to have adults come in and out of their lives. I hate the thought of my children forming a bond with someone and then having that person leave them. That's a big reason IMO why marriage is and should be meant to be a lifelong commitment.

2. Safety. Especially if the overnight guests were males. There are very few males whom I would feel comfortable having overnight access to my children. 'Nuff said.

I have always felt very strongly that if heaven forbid something were to happen to my DH that I would not seriously date or remarry until my children were out of the house or nearly out of the house. But I'm super independent that way.

I agree with the revolving door of gf / bf. I decided long ago that I would not introduce my children to a new person until I knew I was seriously interested in someone. I didn't want them to get hurt if it didn't work out.

As for the having another male in the house with my kids, if I even thought that the person I was bringing home could be dangerous then they wouldn't be staying over night. But I don't just generally assume a male in my house is dangerous.

Thank you for answering the question.

Daisy

 

[mjantz]

I personally could not abide by a custody arrangement that didn't allow visiting other places of worship more than twice a year. Our church has confirmation & as part of that school-year long process they visit other denominations & religious houses (including a synagogue & a mosque). This would also mean they couldn't go to church with their cousins, friends or other family members if they were of a different religion.

Nope. Not going to happen.

 

[Michelle67]

Morals. Period. I thought that would be self-explanatory. And needing to ask that question just reinforced my theory that morality is taking a huge nose dive in this country.

Wow.

I agree with the revolving door of gf / bf. I decided long ago that I would not introduce my children to a new person until I knew I was seriously interested in someone. I didn't want them to get hurt if it didn't work out.

As for the having another male in the house with my kids, if I even thought that the person I was bringing home could be dangerous then they wouldn't be staying over night. But I don't just generally assume a male in my house is dangerous.

Thank you for answering the question.

Daisy

I agree with you on both points.

Frankly my ex is a bit of a man 'ho, and I wouldn't have cared for the "revolving door" of sleepovers with his barfly playmates, and fortunately I didn't need a legal decree saying so for him to have the decency to simply not do it. On the other hand, he had a couple of real relationships over the years and I had no problem with those women being involved in my child's life. Quite honestly, one of the greatest things that ever happened to my daughter's relationship with her dad was one particular girlfriend that he ended up living with for four years. I really wish he hadn't screwed that relationship up, but no matter; many years later my daughter still keeps in contact with the woman and her daughter. My daughter would have missed out on one of the most wonderful women in her life if I had set myself up as the morality police and not allowed visitation because her dad was "living in sin."

 

[NMAmy]

The religion item struck a chord with me. If I were getting a divorce, with a child and my ex stuck something about having to raise a child a certain religion or denomination and limited the number of visits to another place of worship?

Uhm. No. No way. No how. Not now. Not ever.

The way my agreement read was that the child had to continue to be raised in the religious manner they had been raised during the marriage. I was happy for this because my ex and I were both atheists. The woman he ended up marrying (after having an affair and getting her pregnant, go figure) was a born again Christian who attended an evangelical church with a lot of very intolerant beliefs. I was able to put my foot down about his wife taking my kid to this church. I didn't care about weddings, etc but I did feel quite strongly against this church.

We actually had a very basic agreement that included shared parenting dates, financial information, etc. One thing that I did that made life much easier (and will probably get some people all riled up) was that once I was more financially stable, I removed the child support. We each supported her when she was with us and we split costs like camps, sports fees, braces, etc. It made life much easier and he wasn't making dd feel guilty about the very modest child support he was paying.

We had our disagreements, of course, but we worked things out by talking with each other. He did drive me crazy during the teenage years by making me be the bad guy all the time. "Honey, of course I'd let you get a tattoo but you have to ask your mom first. If she says it's okay, it's fine with me!" And he knew darned well that I'd say no. Thank heavens she's in college now!

 

[fireflymedic]

Not so much custody, but child support. It stated half his take home pay, but no specific number. At the time he was making 6 figures, then he dove head first into the stupid end of the employment/life/priorities pool.

And, well, half of $0 is $0. It was a difficult bunch of years for awhile.

I like this

the only thing I would want is they cant move way off with the child

 

[NikitaZee]

Nope. People who feel so highly of themselves and judge like this is whats wrong with the country. You have your morals but you have no right whatsoever to place your morals on anyone else. Thinking that eveyrone should have your morals is so wrong and it makes you worse than someone with no morals IMO.

Don't keep your nose so stuck up....you may drown when it rains.

I only had 2 friends growing up whos parents were divorced (and they were twins...so only one set of parents). They had a very amicable divorce. They saw their dad every week. Their dad was always at their events. It was funny, because I always thought that was how divorce worked until I was older and heard more stories about divorce. I just wasn't exposed first hand to any other divorce situations.

From what I have read on hear, I feel like there are many parents who are just trynig to get back at their ex and who don't really care about the kids. They claim to care about the kids but it seems that they only use their kids as pawns in revenge.

Note, I did not say ALL the stories on here. I have also read many stories on here where the ex really is an a$$ and uninvolved and they are really trying to do whats best for the kids but seriously???
Religion, pierced ears, haircuts, etc? That's just petty and very immature IMHO.

If the other parent is still involved they are not just YOUR kids, they are your ex's kids as well.

Seems like you're doing a little bit of judging yourself (bottom bolded). Not trying to be snarky - just saying that we all do it.

What's immature is the PP's example of kids coming home from a visit with their dad with bright blue mohawks, just in time for mom's wedding. A hair cutting clause in the custody agreement would give mom some recourse in that case. Religion is a serious matter for many folks - so I'm not sure how any strongly held belief can be seen as petty or immature.

 

[DisneyScraps]

I agree with the sleepovers part. I have seen that become a major issue with divorced parents. But I have to ask the question....DisneyScraps, I got the impression from some of your previous posts that you live with your boyfriend. Shouldn't that policy work both ways?

I do but it's a long term committed relationship. What I didn't like was my ex having a series of women come through my daughter never met a single person I dated until the one I have now. She agreed to his moving in.

I agree that the hair cutting thing is a minute detail and never happened about it until my friends daughter and that child was so upset I felt really bad for her.

As far as the religion issue. I am a certain religion, he is a certain religion. Both of our entire families are that same religion. He started to shop around for churches. That is fine but we agreed when she was born which religion she would be. I didn't want to confuse her by going to a lot of different churches. She was 2 when we separated. When she gets older she will have a little more freedom but right now I feel a moral obligation to her to raise her in the faith of her family.