The Mullah Who Wasn't There
"Mullah Omar is alive... It is difficult to get a man like that because nobody knows him by face. Nobody can recognize him. If you came across him today, somewhere in Afghanistan or in the rest of the world, you wouldn't recognize him. "
- Afghan President Hamid Karzai in an interview this weekend.
INT. A HUT NEAR TORA BORA - NIGHT
We see the interior of a small mountain hut in a tiny Afghan village.There are several people sharing a meager dinner in front of the fire: A elderly couple, several young men, a few women, some children, and Mullah Omar.
All of the sudden there's a rough knocking at the door. One of the men answers it. Four heavily armed Afghani soldiers enter. Their captain stands forward.
CAPTAIN: Okay, nobody move! We need to search this hut! Stay still!
The soldiers circulate around the cabin, peering carefully at anything and everything.
CAPTAIN: Steady, everyone. This won't take long.
OLD MAN: What are you looking for?
CAPTAIN: We have reason to believe that we have almost found the elusive Mullah Mohammed Omar.
There is a collective gasp from the family.
YOUNG MAN: He's really here?
CAPTAIN: He might be. He might just be - right over... there!
The Captain abruptly points to a corner of the hut. The children shriek.
CAPTAIN: Just kidding. Ha-ha. That's obviously just a... (looking closer) surprisingly handsome armoire.
OLD MAN: Thank you. My father collected antique furniture. He got it in Peshawar.
CAPTAIN: Really? A lot of bargains to be had there, I hear... what?
A soldier standing next to Mullah Omar is waving for attention.
SOLDIER: Sir, this man is not of this family.
CAPTAIN: Oh ho! And what might your name be, stranger?
MULLAH OMAR: I'm Mullah... Ted.
CAPTAIN: Ted, huh? What are you doing in this family's hut?
MULLAH OMAR: They took me in. I'm going to see my aunt in Jalalabad. She has rickets.
The soldiers all express sympathy for the Mullah's aunt.
CAPTAIN: Okay, well we won't troube you any further. Good night....
YOUNG MAN: What's he look like?
CAPTAIN: What - who?
YOUNG MAN: Mullah Omar. So we can look out for him.
CAPTAIN: Oh, well. Um... he has a beard.
YOUNG MAN: We all have beards.
SOLDIER: And he's got, like, brownish grayish hair.
SOLDIER #2: And I hear he's short.
MULLAH OMAR: No, I heard he's of average height. He just slumps a little sometimes.
SOLDIER #3: He's got this nose...
The Captain cuts them all off with a wave.
CAPTAIN: That's enough! So if you see anyone, um, like that, be sure to let us know. All right? All right. Let's move out, men!
The soldiers fall in and file out the door. In the corner, Mullah Omar breathes a sigh of relief.
EXT. A BARREN PLATEAU - LATER THAT NIGHT
In a cliff's shadow, a small circle of Taliban men are gathered, standing awkwardly by a fire. Some of them check their watches periodically. Guards stand posted at the perimeter.
Off towards the west, two of the guards suddenly look up as a shadowy figure approaches.
GUARD: Stop! Who goes there?
MULLAH OMAR: It's me, Mullah Omar.
GUARD: What!?
MULLAH OMAR: Mullah Mohammed Omar. Your leader. I'm here for the meeting.
GUARD: I've never seen you before in my life, mister.
MULLAH OMAR: Really, it's me. I called this meeting.
GUARD #2 (darkly): I thought Mullah Omar was shorter...
Mullah Omar slouches self-consciously, but it's too late.
GUARD: You'd better go, sir.
MULLAH OMAR: Look, it really is me. I swear it!
GUARD #2 (hefting his gun): Move it along, we said. NOW!
Mullah Omar hikes up his robes and goes off into the night, muttering and cursing. The guards look back towards the fire.
GUARD: Looks like the guys are ready to pack it in. I guess Omar's a no-show.
GUARD #2: Again. That's really frustrating.
GUARD: He must have had his reasons. Our time will come again, brother. Trust in Mullah Omar.
GUARD #2: Yeah, you're right. It's just disappointing, that's all...
posted by Adam Felber at 12:39 AM
"Mullah Omar is alive... It is difficult to get a man like that because nobody knows him by face. Nobody can recognize him. If you came across him today, somewhere in Afghanistan or in the rest of the world, you wouldn't recognize him. "
- Afghan President Hamid Karzai in an interview this weekend.
INT. A HUT NEAR TORA BORA - NIGHT
We see the interior of a small mountain hut in a tiny Afghan village.There are several people sharing a meager dinner in front of the fire: A elderly couple, several young men, a few women, some children, and Mullah Omar.
All of the sudden there's a rough knocking at the door. One of the men answers it. Four heavily armed Afghani soldiers enter. Their captain stands forward.
CAPTAIN: Okay, nobody move! We need to search this hut! Stay still!
The soldiers circulate around the cabin, peering carefully at anything and everything.
CAPTAIN: Steady, everyone. This won't take long.
OLD MAN: What are you looking for?
CAPTAIN: We have reason to believe that we have almost found the elusive Mullah Mohammed Omar.
There is a collective gasp from the family.
YOUNG MAN: He's really here?
CAPTAIN: He might be. He might just be - right over... there!
The Captain abruptly points to a corner of the hut. The children shriek.
CAPTAIN: Just kidding. Ha-ha. That's obviously just a... (looking closer) surprisingly handsome armoire.
OLD MAN: Thank you. My father collected antique furniture. He got it in Peshawar.
CAPTAIN: Really? A lot of bargains to be had there, I hear... what?
A soldier standing next to Mullah Omar is waving for attention.
SOLDIER: Sir, this man is not of this family.
CAPTAIN: Oh ho! And what might your name be, stranger?
MULLAH OMAR: I'm Mullah... Ted.
CAPTAIN: Ted, huh? What are you doing in this family's hut?
MULLAH OMAR: They took me in. I'm going to see my aunt in Jalalabad. She has rickets.
The soldiers all express sympathy for the Mullah's aunt.
CAPTAIN: Okay, well we won't troube you any further. Good night....
YOUNG MAN: What's he look like?
CAPTAIN: What - who?
YOUNG MAN: Mullah Omar. So we can look out for him.
CAPTAIN: Oh, well. Um... he has a beard.
YOUNG MAN: We all have beards.
SOLDIER: And he's got, like, brownish grayish hair.
SOLDIER #2: And I hear he's short.
MULLAH OMAR: No, I heard he's of average height. He just slumps a little sometimes.
SOLDIER #3: He's got this nose...
The Captain cuts them all off with a wave.
CAPTAIN: That's enough! So if you see anyone, um, like that, be sure to let us know. All right? All right. Let's move out, men!
The soldiers fall in and file out the door. In the corner, Mullah Omar breathes a sigh of relief.
EXT. A BARREN PLATEAU - LATER THAT NIGHT
In a cliff's shadow, a small circle of Taliban men are gathered, standing awkwardly by a fire. Some of them check their watches periodically. Guards stand posted at the perimeter.
Off towards the west, two of the guards suddenly look up as a shadowy figure approaches.
GUARD: Stop! Who goes there?
MULLAH OMAR: It's me, Mullah Omar.
GUARD: What!?
MULLAH OMAR: Mullah Mohammed Omar. Your leader. I'm here for the meeting.
GUARD: I've never seen you before in my life, mister.
MULLAH OMAR: Really, it's me. I called this meeting.
GUARD #2 (darkly): I thought Mullah Omar was shorter...
Mullah Omar slouches self-consciously, but it's too late.
GUARD: You'd better go, sir.
MULLAH OMAR: Look, it really is me. I swear it!
GUARD #2 (hefting his gun): Move it along, we said. NOW!
Mullah Omar hikes up his robes and goes off into the night, muttering and cursing. The guards look back towards the fire.
GUARD: Looks like the guys are ready to pack it in. I guess Omar's a no-show.
GUARD #2: Again. That's really frustrating.
GUARD: He must have had his reasons. Our time will come again, brother. Trust in Mullah Omar.
GUARD #2: Yeah, you're right. It's just disappointing, that's all...
posted by Adam Felber at 12:39 AM
