The "Momma Bear" Mentality

[debster812]

Ooooh, oooooh, Deb, over here!

Pam waves her son's Boy Scout popcorn order! Would you like to order the industrial size tin of many flavors, or just get caseloads of the microwaveable popcorn???

There's my Pammy!!! One of each pleaseandthankyou very much

 

[FayeW]

I would like to point out that the above example (by Leighe) is NOT about a younger child (elemetary/middle school). This extreme example is NOT about a child who needs 'protection' from something such as a bully, unfair detention on their record, inappropriate treatment from an adult teacher, etc....

This in NO way justifies discouraging parents of younger children who NEED protection and guidance. This type of extreme example is NO excuse to 'accuse' all involved parents of being Mama Bears. This is NO excuse and NO justification for the 'anti Mama-bear crowd'.

Hey, where's the tag fairy when I need her!!!

signed....

happy to be a 'Mama Bear'!

To clarify, my post has relatively NOTHING to do with young children, and is more of a query into the damage we MAY do to our tween, teenage, and young adult children in not allowing them to develope the coping skills they need. I thought that would have been apparent by the tone of the post, but, alas, I was mistaken.

You seem to be the only poster who is taking the term "Mama Bear" in any negative context. You use the word "accuse", and the phrase 'anti Mama Bear crowd'. There was no negative context meant, nor implied. I simply used a phrase I have read on these boards numerous times to identify a phenomenon I wanted to comment on, that of OVER-protective parents possibly doing more harm than good, and invite opinions. No need to be defensive.

 

[Marseeya]

To clarify, my post has relatively NOTHING to do with young children, and is more of a query into the damage we MAY do to our tween, teenage, and young adult children in not allowing them to develope the coping skills they need. I thought that would have been apparent by the tone of the post, but, alas, I was mistaken.

You seem to be the only poster who is taking the term "Mama Bear" in any negative context. You use the word "accuse", and the phrase 'anti Mama Bear crowd'. There was no negative context meant, nor implied. I simply used a phrase I have read on these boards numerous times to identify a phenomenon I wanted to comment on, that of OVER-protective parents possibly doing more harm than good, and invite opinions. No need to be defensive.

I think it was the tone of your post that this poster objected to (but she's more than welcome to correct me if I'm wrong!). You sound very accusatory in it when you use words such as "ludicrous," "then we end up with Columbine." Personally, I understood what you were getting at, but when you bring in such an inflammatory subject like Columbine, you can expect hackles to rise.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think parents sometimes walk a fine line between knowing when to get involved and knowing when to let their child fight their own battle. And sometimes it can be difficult to discern which is which.

Of course, there are always the extremes on either end of the spectrum...those that get too involved and never let their child learn how to deal with anything and those that never get involved and force their child to deal with things the child may be ready for or capable of dealing with.

 

[goofy4tink]

This seems to be a good place to give my philosophy on raising my dd, almost 12. I choose to prepare my child for the road of life, rather than prepare the road for my child. She has to be able to cope with life's frustrations. These are the kids that will be able to take the 'no's' of life in stride, rather than picking up a gun in retaliation. However, I will continue to strive to find any way possible to find ways to help her deal with these frustrations. Life is full of landmines, so to speak, for these tween kids. Lots of love, support and non-judgemental listening. Sometimes they just need to be able to vent.

 

[mtblujeans]

....I have to wonder, just why in the heck would somebody be so darned obsessed about other parents looking out for their children. It really is none of their business. It's like, get a life!!!

Here we go again.....

 

[Tjaleks]

Well, here is my $.02

I am a MAMA BEAR when needed, but I don't hover over my children. If I feel that my child has been wronged by an adult, or for instance when he was held down by six other "children" and choked I lost it.

I do feel they need to make their own mistakes and learn from them. If they want something we add extra chores so they earn it. I don't give my kids an allowance, because I believe, as my parents did, that if you live here you help here. If they leave their homework at home I don't go home to get it for them. ETC, ETC.

I am my children's advocate and as such I step up to the plate when I feel that they are in a situation that a reasonable 9 & 10 shouldn't be in alone or without assistance.

 

[Mrs.D]

I believe SOME parents need to let the children learn consequences of their actions...sometimes the over-protectiveness goes too far.

Two examples:

My stepson who lives in IL with his mother) is in eighth grade. His grades are abysmal. Every year he does NO homework, until everyone gets in crisis mode at the end of the year, saying he will be held back. This has been going on for at least four years. Every year he is allowed to do a bunch of work at the last minute, and they move him on to the next grade. The problem? He doesn't understand the work he is expected to do. I think the last time he understood his work was in third or fourth grade. He NEEDS to be held back...every year is harder for him and he feels worse about himself. But of course, it would "damage" him to be held back and for his twin to go to the next grade.

Next example: I work in Human Resources for "a major retailer." I hire a lot of teenagers. You wouldn't believe the amount of parents...usually Moms...who do every thing from fill out Sonny's application, call to make an appointment for an interview, call to find out why Sonny wasn't hired, want to sit in on Sissy's interview...call to say why Sissy won't be able to come to work...ask why Sissy wasn't given more hours...call the same day to say Sissy needs to go on a family vacation, Sissy shouldn't be held accountable for not requesting the time off. If Sonny/Sissy is old enough for a job...he/she is old enough to be responsible for managing his/her time!! And old enough to be responsible for the consequences of not managing it!

Of course, there are incidents where parents need to defend their children. But as an above poster said, prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child. Raise a responsible adult.

Vent over

 

[goofygirl]

I have read several threads lately where the term "momma bear" has been used to describe protecting or defending children. Some of these threads I have read in amusement, confusion, and outright disbelief! Seemingly reasonably intelligent people feel the need to defend and protect their children whenever they feel they've been wronged, treated unfairly, or generally anytime little Johnny or little Suzy is criticized or slighted, be it real or imagined. Severally posters have suggested that the school authoritarians should not be allowed to discipline (or question) their children unless they are A) Notified first, and/or B) Present during the "interview". Ludicrous, in my opinion.

My question is, does this behaviour help or hinder our children? I believe, obviously, that this is ultimately detrimental to our children's healthy developement. We CANNOT protect them from everything. The need to learn that there are consequences to their actions, and most importantly, they need to learn that life isn't always fair so that WE can teach them how to handle these situations appropriately, and with grace and dignity. I truly believe that this complete fascination with our children, and making their wants, needs, desires, and feelings the very focus of our lives sets them up for a failure as young adults who have the expectation that Mommy & Daddy are going to come rushing in and solve every problem for them. Children, and especially teenagers, need to develope the skills to cope with unfairness and disappointment, and to learn to take responsibility. It is the failure to provide these skills ( as parents, and as society as a whole) that causes kids to be unable to cope with the pressures of, well, being kids, and then we end up with Columbine.

Great post! (applauds)

And what is this trend I am hearing about where every kid gets a trophy- even if they lose, so nobody's little feelings get hurt? What is up with that? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.