The "Momma Bear" Mentality

[Marseeya]

Children are 'Children'.... (speaking of elementary/middle school age....)

They are NOT little adults... They are not on an equal playing field with adults... And, if I feel it is necessary to step in and defend a 'child'... MY 'child'... Then you can bet that I will do it in a heartbeat! I even refer to myself as a Mama Bear...


I have a special-needs child (not readily visible to others) I will look out for my child. It is not only my RIGHT, it is my OBLIGATION. I have rights, and my child has rights.

And, guess what, I simpy could NOT care less if anyone wants to spew the term 'Mama Bear' as if it were some kind of foul word. My childs well being takes precedence over the 'opinion' of somebody else!!!

I have to wonder, just why in the heck would somebody be so darned obsessed about other parents looking out for their children. It really is none of their business. It's like, get a life!!!

I couldn't agree more! Quite simply, my son doesn't have the communication skills or coping skills to help himself and I will gladly step in to help him if he needs it. I won't apologize for advocating for my child, ever, and neither should anybody else. We are the best advocates for our children.

Does that mean I hold my kids' hands every time a problem crops up? Of course not! I try to let them learn from the consequences of their actions as much as possible! But if it gets to where the consequences are more than any reasonable person should expect to endure, you can bet I'll step in and intervene. It's my job.

Having said all that, I can't even tell you how badly I needed a "mama bear" in my corner when I was a kid. I suffered a lot of horrible abuse that wouldn't have happened if I could have relied on my mother. If that makes me overly reactionary as a parent, then tough cookies. Better to have a mom you can rely on than one you can't, plain and simple.

 

[VSL]

I think it's all an individual case thing.
Sometimes people overreact, sometimes they don't (this applies to everyone, not just parents!).

OTOH, some idiot over here in the UK has suggested that we refer to any kind of failure (exam, for example) as 'deferred success'...

 

[disykat]

I don't know that much about bears, but I think they're getting a bad rap with that expression. I'm guessing that real bear mommas teach their kids independence skills while watching from the sidelines to be a safety net. It sounds like a good thing to me. I always want to be protective of my kids. However, I totally agree that many parents take the protecting part to the point of not letting the kids handle any of their own problems - thus going against the teaching part. I don't think you see adult bears continuing to live with their mommas.

 

[FayeW]

Children are 'Children'.... (speaking of elementary/middle school age....)

And, guess what, I simpy could NOT care less if anyone wants to spew the term 'Mama Bear' as if it were some kind of foul word. My childs well being takes precedence over the 'opinion' of somebody else!!!

I have to wonder, just why in the heck would somebody be so darned obsessed about other parents looking out for their children. It really is none of their business. It's like, get a life!!!

I didn't notice any spewing OR obsessing in my original post...

So, in answer to my question, shall I put you down in the "help" column?

 

[FayeW]

There's a fine line here and I feel like I walk it everyday. Currently, DS, 12, has a Boy Scout leader who has been overly unfairly harsh toward him - and only him, but I am exercising great restraint because it's a real man's club there and mommy stepping in would not be in his best interest. Behind the scenes - I'm there for him. He gets hugs and advice about how to deal on his own.

It's rough on moms...it's instinctive to want to fight their every battle and it takes much strength to step back. Most moms know how and when to do that.

You are absolutely right, it IS a fine line. I am certainly not advocating that we NEVER intervene, they are our children and we certainly have the responsibility to look out for their best interests. I am certainly known to the principal and vice-principal at my children's school. Last year we had a situation involving my son and another child who has some "challenges". This child has an aid that is with him on the school yard, but they were trying to give him some independance and she was inside the school wathcing out the window. The other child hit my son, and my son hit him back. The incident escalated to involve some others, 2 of whom were suspended for 1/2 a day. My son received detention. We discussed the incident with him, he was punished at home and lost a reward he had been looking forward to etc. HOWEVER, I did call the school the next day and speak to the principal about what happened and I asked her " Who is going to keep my son safe from the other child?" I told her that I would not allow my child to be physically harmed by another, regardless of their age or mental capabilities. I was very clear that if he was physical with my son again, that they would be hearing from me again and I would take further action. My son never knew that conversation took place, and it had absolutely no impact on the punishment he received both at school and at home. But I put them on notice that since they had identified that this particular child needed an aid, they had bloody well make sure the aid was with him and could correct or prevent his inappropriate physical contact.

There is a difference between keeping them safe, and fighting their battles.

 

[CheshireVal]

As a teacher, I can say that there are far too many mamma bears out there. I can understand looking out for your children, but I think way too many moms totally cross the line.

I think we are raising a generation of wimps, for lack of a better word.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think I prefer the term "Helicopter Parents" of a few weeks ago.
I have seen more than a few threads of late where I've just been incredulous how many people will be telling somebody to contact their lawyer --- even before they've picked up a phone and contacted the Teacher or the Principal.

Of course I'm always there for my kids. But my first question to my kids is always "and what have YOU done to resolve this?" and it has been ever since about 2nd or 3rd grade. I have tried my absolute best to raise my children to be competent, functioning, problem solvers. I want them to practice those skills in school, at Little League, on their soccer team etc etc etc, so they will have them as adults.

 

[Bichon Barb]

I think I prefer the term "Helicopter Parents" of a few weeks ago.
I have seen more than a few threads of late where I've just been incredulous how many people will be telling somebody to contact their lawyer --- even before they've picked up a phone and contacted the Teacher or the Principal.

Of course I'm always there for my kids. But my first question to my kids is always "and what have YOU done to resolve this?" and it has been ever since about 2nd or 3rd grade. I have tried my absolute best to raise my children to be competent, functioning, problem solvers. I want them to practice those skills in school, at Little League, on their soccer team etc etc etc, so they will have them as adults.

I recently read an article which talked about this generation of kids (Gen Y). They are now starting to enter the work force. Employers aren't too thrilled with these young people who start a job and think they should be making 6 figures. It said that many are over-confident to the point of being disrespectful to their superiors.

Well, sure. If you have parents who are so worried about Johnnie's self esteem that he's never allowed to lose, get a "C", make a mistake or handle any conflict for himself, what is Johnnie going to be like when he's out on his own? I see it a lot in my generation of parents. Our lives revolved around our kids' sport games, Scouts, piano lessons, and play dates. We make sure our kids always have the most up to date PlayStation, internet service, designer clothes, cell phone, ipod...

 

[Megster]

I think there is a huge difference between advocating for a child with special needs and having a parent rush down to the school because Mrs. X was supposedly mean to johnny or suzy.

I know there were many times in middle and high school that I came home complaining that this or that wasn't fair and I wanted my mom to fix it. I also remember many times being dissapointed when my mom played devils advocate and didn't just take my side no questions asked. That being said there were also times were my mom would step up to bat for me.
I feel that there are many situations where instead of parents handling the situation FOR their child, they need to handle it WITH them. Meaning, give them advice on what to say, who to approach about it, etc. In the long run this will probably give children better skills to deal with problems they face as they get older.

 

[Maleficent13]

I didn't notice any spewing OR obsessing in my original post...

So, in answer to my question, shall I put you down in the "help" column?

I'm sorry, this made me

Guess I should address the OP and not just make pithy comments. As someone else said, it's a fine line and also age-dependent. As DD grows, so will her ability to handle situations, and hopefully my ability to let her.

 

[leighe]

As a teacher most parents that I deal with are great. I think parents in general sometimes get a bad rap with teachers because it's the really over-the-top, ridiculous ones that stick in your mind. Here is an example from my school this week.

The teacher next door is the student council sponsor (considered a club in our school). Clubs nominate girls for the homecoming court. Mrs. H (next door teacher) makes it clear that any girl who is nominated from student council but has not paid her dues by a certain date will not be eligible for the club's nomination. OK - so of course one of the girls nominated hasn't paid dues - after an annoucement on the PA every morning - so she gets taken off the list. Mrs. H has had to sit through about 3 hours worth of meetings about this this week. The girls parents have been to the superintendent of schools over this! They are demanding that the whole school re-do nominations (of course the girl has paid her dues now.) They are insisting that since there isn't a policy in writing about homecoming procedures that their daughter shouldn't be "punished." It is just preposterous that teachers and administrators are having to take time out of her instructional day to deal with something like this. The parents are sure it's going to "leave emotional scars" on their daughter. She's only a sophomore - only seniors can actually win Queen anyway. They put an editioral in our local paper about it! To me this is a perfect example of a mama/papa bear situation. This little girl has a sad life in front of her if she's going to be emotionally scarred by not being on the homecoming ballot!

 

[Bichon Barb]

 

[goofy4tink]

Well then...I think I am the most recent person posting who mentioned having the momma bear in me come out...so, I will respond. Did I do anything other than talk to my dd? No. Did I go out and buy some reading material in order to possible help HER deal with her social issues at school better? Yes. Would I ever go to the school officials about this kind of issue? Probably not. Kids really need to be able to 'figure it out' for themselves. Mommy going to bat for them teaches them only that they (the child) isn't capable of dealing with it themselves. I have gone to the teacher in the lower grades. But that was for the teachers input in any 'off-putting' behaviour my dd may have where her classmates are concerned. I did have a teacher/parent meeting where a few girls were named but the teacher brought them up, not me. Evidently they had been 'harrassing' my dd as well as several other girls in the class.

I used the term 'momma bear' only because it seemed to say exactly how I was feeling...like a momma bear when her cub is threatened. No going to the school, lawyers, police or parents. Just me and my dd...trying to resolve some school issues. But, as a mother, I can still be upset by it.

Pass the popcorn please!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would like to point out that the above example (by Leighe) is NOT about a younger child (elemetary/middle school). This extreme example is NOT about a child who needs 'protection' from something such as a bully, unfair detention on their record, inappropriate treatment from an adult teacher, etc....

This in NO way justifies discouraging parents of younger children who NEED protection and guidance. This type of extreme example is NO excuse to 'accuse' all involved parents of being Mama Bears. This is NO excuse and NO justification for the 'anti Mama-bear crowd'.

Hey, where's the tag fairy when I need her!!!

signed....

happy to be a 'Mama Bear'!

 

[SeaSpray]

There are times when a child should fight their own battles and a time when parents should step forward to help that child. As a parent I always want my kids to know that I'm here for them and if a situation calls for it, I'll ALWAYS go to bat for them.

I've taught my kids to be respectful of adults and peers, and to try to first work things out by themselves, IF THEY CAN. I have a DS24, DD21, and DD15, and I can recall times where one or the other had some sort of difficulty with an adult or peer. It was usually a situation where my child was not being treated the way an adult should treat children, or a situation where other children were treating my child in an unacceptable way.

I know that all three kids have appreciated the fact that their dad and I have always been here for them. They also know that if they were the ones who did somethng unacceptable we would NOT try to get them out of trouble and they would deal with whatever consequences there were.

As a teacher and parent, I see a lot of instances and circumstances where kids are left to deal with issues on their own far too much, and the parents aren't there when they should be. Yes, I've fought for my kids many times, I've sent numerous letters and e-mails, and made phone calls and appointments over the years, and whenever I feel something is not quite right, I'll question it.

Just wanted to say that DS and older DD have become fully functioning and highly capable young adults. They are college graduates who are happy, secure individuals. Younger daughter is still in high school and if she needs us to help her with a problem, we're here for her.

Sounds like DH and I would get along great with you and your DH

 

[Bichon Barb]

I would like to point out that the above example (by Leighe) is NOT about a younger child (elemetary/middle school). This extreme example is NOT about a child who needs 'protection' from something such as a bully, unfair detention on their record, inappropriate treatment from an adult teacher, etc....

This in NO way justifies discouraging parents of younger children who NEED protection and guidance. This type of extreme example is NO excuse to 'accuse' all involved parents of being Mama Bears. This is NO excuse and NO justification for the 'anti Mama-bear crowd'.

Hey, where's the tag fairy when I need her!!!

signed....

happy to be a 'Mama Bear'!

But of course!

My older son has two friends in the neighborhood who are all the same age (birthdays are less than a week apart). They used to love to gang up and pick on my younger son. I can't stand bullying. The first time I caught them in action, I definitely gave the three of them a piece of my mind. Problem solved.

 

[Wishing on a star]

There are times when a child should fight their own battles and a time when parents should step forward to help that child.
....
As a teacher and parent, I see a lot of instances and circumstances where kids are left to deal with issues on their own far too much, and the parents aren't there when they should be.

I appreciate your comments!!! How did I miss them as I read thru this thread!

 

[barkley]

i've openly referred to myself as a momma bear on these boards, but usualy i am of the "teddy variety". the grizzly comes out when i have my younger child (8 but very small for his age) routinly bullied (verbaly, mentaly and physicaly) by 1 or 2 of the same kids repeatedly (every day, multiple times a day and on some occasions in front of me), the teachers responce is "there will always be bullies, your child needs to learn to deal with it". excuse my language but 'HELL NO!". there will always be drive by shootings, road rage, sexual harrassment as well but there need to be measures taken to prevent these behaviours and accountability for the perpatrators.

i witnessed a 3rd graders "go off" in a classroom last year-he got angry at another child and grabbed a chair over his head and was preparing to hit the other child over the head. the teacher attempted to calm the child down and in the process came close to a physical assault herself. when i found that the child was back at school the next day i questioned the teacher and principal and was told "he's having some family issues that we are trying to help him through". my response was-what about school policy on physical attacks, the safety of other children in the classroom (as well as the staff), what message is this sending to the other children? i was told that they felt the situation was isolated ("only has happened a couple of times with him previously in the past year") my kids were immediatly removed from school until the matter was addressed (kid's mom stayed with him in class for several days, walked him to the door, picked him up at the door, met with he and teacher daily for conferences, and anger managment counseling was suggested-needless to say mom did not re-enroll the kid this year).

i will be a momma bear when the situation occurs that calls for it, but it goes both ways-if my children do/act/behave/engage in inappropriate behaviours or actions they are held accountable. they would probably welcome a swift punishment over the repeated discussions they will endure over the impact of whatever has occured may/will have on themselves and others. i have found it quite interesting the types of behaviours that my children have engaged in that i beleive should be immediatly addressed with appropriate consequences yet the school just brushes them under the carpet "saying oh this is just the way kids are today..." well not mine. aw:

 

[leighe]

I would like to point out that the above example (by Leighe) is NOT about a younger child (elemetary/middle school). This extreme example is NOT about a child who needs 'protection' from something such as a bully, unfair detention on their record, inappropriate treatment from an adult teacher, etc....

This in NO way justifies discouraging parents of younger children who NEED protection and guidance. This type of extreme example is NO excuse to 'accuse' all involved parents of being Mama Bears. This is NO excuse and NO justification for the 'anti Mama-bear crowd'.

Hey, where's the tag fairy when I need her!!!

signed....

happy to be a 'Mama Bear'!

I totally agree!

 

[Pam]

I respectfully disagree with your opinion, but will now go in search of a Boy Scout parent to get some popcorn, and watch this one unfold.....

Ooooh, oooooh, Deb, over here!

Pam waves her son's Boy Scout popcorn order! Would you like to order the industrial size tin of many flavors, or just get caseloads of the microwaveable popcorn???