The "Momma Bear" Mentality

[FayeW]

I have read several threads lately where the term "momma bear" has been used to describe protecting or defending children. Some of these threads I have read in amusement, confusion, and outright disbelief! Seemingly reasonably intelligent people feel the need to defend and protect their children whenever they feel they've been wronged, treated unfairly, or generally anytime little Johnny or little Suzy is criticized or slighted, be it real or imagined. Severally posters have suggested that the school authoritarians should not be allowed to discipline (or question) their children unless they are A) Notified first, and/or B) Present during the "interview". Ludicrous, in my opinion.

My question is, does this behaviour help or hinder our children? I believe, obviously, that this is ultimately detrimental to our children's healthy developement. We CANNOT protect them from everything. The need to learn that there are consequences to their actions, and most importantly, they need to learn that life isn't always fair so that WE can teach them how to handle these situations appropriately, and with grace and dignity. I truly believe that this complete fascination with our children, and making their wants, needs, desires, and feelings the very focus of our lives sets them up for a failure as young adults who have the expectation that Mommy & Daddy are going to come rushing in and solve every problem for them. Children, and especially teenagers, need to develope the skills to cope with unfairness and disappointment, and to learn to take responsibility. It is the failure to provide these skills ( as parents, and as society as a whole) that causes kids to be unable to cope with the pressures of, well, being kids, and then we end up with Columbine.

 

[Maleficent13]

Man, the DIS really needs to offer a popcorn smilie.

 

[meandtheguys2]

You know, I think if the parents had been MORE involved, Columbine might not have happened.

OTOH, I agree with much of what you said, and all of what Mal said!

 

[debster812]

I respectfully disagree with your opinion, but will now go in search of a Boy Scout parent to get some popcorn, and watch this one unfold.....

 

[FayeW]

I don't see this as being much of a controversy, frankly. Are you disagreeing because you don't think it is our responsibility as parents to help our children develope these skills, or because you think children need to be so protected that they should never learn to deal with disappointment, frustration, rejection and unfairness?

 

[Christine]

Faye,
I agree with you. I have two children, poor things, that I never run up to the school for, take up for, whatever. Usually when they've done something wrong, it really *is* their fault. My best friend and I joke that we usually think the worst of our children right away.

As far as the "momma bear" comments. I have seen that term used a lot but I can't say that I really see too many DISers running up to the schools and jumping all over teachers. Mainly, the "momma bear" reference is to a feeling of not wanting your kids to experience all the bumpy stuff that comes along with life.

 

[Tracey1974]

You know, maybe I would have been more inclined to agree 12 weeks and 1 day ago- after having my son I have to disagree. I have never felt more protective over anything in my life and know why some moms/dads are capable of almost anything if they feel they need to protect their kids. I'm not saying that parents need to hover over their kids and cover for them, but they need to have guidance and reassurance no matter what their ages are. I know I'm a new mom and haven't really experienced too much yet, but that is how I feel so far. JMO

 

[golfgal]

I agree, the sooner children learn to deal with things on their own, the better off they will be as adults. No one wants their children to be unhappy or suffer in any way, but deep down, you know they will learn something good from it.

DH and I have been going back and forth this year about DS and his lack of interest in homework. He has been doing a good job of getting it done, but the quality just isn't there. The getting it done is a BIG improvement from previous years. I check to make sure it is done, will comment about how completely it is done (usually just math and not showing his work). I leave it up to him if he is going to do it right. Well, I KNOW how that will go. Well, yesterday on the online grade book website his teacher put in a note saying that DS isn't showing his work, big surprise. DH said I need to check his homework more carefully (he started a new job and is away during the week). I told him I checked to see if it was done and that is as far as it goes. If DS's grades suffer HE needs to be the one to take the consequences, not us! DS is never going to learn to do it right if DH is standing there telling him step by step how to show his work.

I automatically assume our kids did something wrong, too. At our house it is guilty until proven innocent .

 

[Kermit]

A lot of it depends on how old they are and what kind of situation they're in. A 5 year old needs a different level of protection than a 15 year old. A school principal calmly explaining to little Johnny why he shouldn't cheat and clearly explaining what the consequences will be is different than the administration calling a child names, belittling him, and making him afraid.

Just because the ultimate goal is for your child to be independent and strong when he leaves his family and starts his own life does not mean that it's better to get there as quickly as possible. Just like it would be harmful to your child's education to insist he learn calculus when he's 9, if you don't stick up for him and defend him when he's young, his emotional well-being will be hindered. (BTW, this is a generic "you", not a statement directly to the OP.)

 

[luvflorida]

There are times when a child should fight their own battles and a time when parents should step forward to help that child. As a parent I always want my kids to know that I'm here for them and if a situation calls for it, I'll ALWAYS go to bat for them.

I've taught my kids to be respectful of adults and peers, and to try to first work things out by themselves, IF THEY CAN. I have a DS24, DD21, and DD15, and I can recall times where one or the other had some sort of difficulty with an adult or peer. It was usually a situation where my child was not being treated the way an adult should treat children, or a situation where other children were treating my child in an unacceptable way.

I know that all three kids have appreciated the fact that their dad and I have always been here for them. They also know that if they were the ones who did somethng unacceptable we would NOT try to get them out of trouble and they would deal with whatever consequences there were.

As a teacher and parent, I see a lot of instances and circumstances where kids are left to deal with issues on their own far too much, and the parents aren't there when they should be. Yes, I've fought for my kids many times, I've sent numerous letters and e-mails, and made phone calls and appointments over the years, and whenever I feel something is not quite right, I'll question it.

Just wanted to say that DS and older DD have become fully functioning and highly capable young adults. They are college graduates who are happy, secure individuals. Younger daughter is still in high school and if she needs us to help her with a problem, we're here for her.

 

[DVCLiz]

I do think it's situation and child-specific, though. For example, I'll let younger DD11 sweat it out if she forgets her homework because the school has a rule that late homework is not accepted. She's learning responsibility and consequences.

On the other hand, if DD16, now a senior in high school, leaves her AP Euro paper in the printer, I'm much more likely to run it out to school and leave it in her locker. That paper is a major grade, she's done the hard work, and I'd rather she not take the lower grade just to reinforce the idea that she made a mistake.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I do think it's situation and child-specific, though. For example, I'll let younger DD11 sweat it out if she forgets her homework because the school has a rule that late homework is not accepted. She's learning responsibility and consequences.

On the other hand, if DD16, now a senior in high school, leaves her AP Euro paper in the printer, I'm much more likely to run it out to school and leave it in her locker. That paper is a major grade, she's done the hard work, and I'd rather she not take the lower grade just to reinforce the idea that she made a mistake.

A sweet act of grace!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Man, the DIS really needs to offer a popcorn smilie.

 

[Rozzie]

Man, the DIS really needs to offer a popcorn smilie.

I so agree!

 

[palmtreegirl]

 

[mtblujeans]

I respectfully disagree with your opinion, but will now go in search of a Boy Scout parent to get some popcorn, and watch this one unfold.....

Yeah! I posted something similar to this once as mothers were supporting each other about tearing into a teacher....rather than the parent teaching the child to ask respectful questions of the teacher and thereby teaching the child to defend themselves for life. BOY, DID I CATCH IT FOR THAT! The nerve....mothers should spend their waking days fighting any and everyone who is critical of their child! Where do these kids learn to reason these things out and fight the big battles instead of getting caught on every little thing if not from their parents!?!!

 

[ckay87]

There's a fine line here and I feel like I walk it everyday. Currently, DS, 12, has a Boy Scout leader who has been overly unfairly harsh toward him - and only him, but I am exercising great restraint because it's a real man's club there and mommy stepping in would not be in his best interest. Behind the scenes - I'm there for him. He gets hugs and advice about how to deal on his own.

It's rough on moms...it's instinctive to want to fight their every battle and it takes much strength to step back. Most moms know how and when to do that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Children are 'Children'.... (speaking of elementary/middle school age....)

They are NOT little adults... They are not on an equal playing field with adults... And, if I feel it is necessary to step in and defend a 'child'... MY 'child'... Then you can bet that I will do it in a heartbeat! I even refer to myself as a Mama Bear...


I have a special-needs child (not readily visible to others) I will look out for my child. It is not only my RIGHT, it is my OBLIGATION. I have rights, and my child has rights.

And, guess what, I simpy could NOT care less if anyone wants to spew the term 'Mama Bear' as if it were some kind of foul word. My childs well being takes precedence over the 'opinion' of somebody else!!!

I have to wonder, just why in the heck would somebody be so darned obsessed about other parents looking out for their children. It really is none of their business. It's like, get a life!!!

 

[swanmom]

After reading just the first two pages of this thread, only one thing comes to mind............."Where is 'auntpolly' when you need her?"

 

[Rowena]

Children are 'Children'.... (speaking of elementary/middle school age....)

They are NOT little adults... They are not on an equal playing field with adults... And, if I feel it is necessary to step in and defend a 'child'... MY 'child'... Then you can bet that I will do it in a heartbeat! I even refer to myself as a Mama Bear...


I have a special-needs child (not readily visible to others) I will look out for my child. It is not only my RIGHT, it is my OBLIGATION. I have rights, and my child has rights.

And, guess what, I simpy could NOT care less if anyone wants to spew the term 'Mama Bear' as if it were some kind of foul word. My childs well being takes precedence over the 'opinion' of somebody else!!!

I have to wonder, just why in the heck would somebody be so darned obsessed about other parents looking out for their children. It really is none of their business. It's like, get a life!!!

Well put, and I'm with you, including the special needs part. We are the best advocates our kids will have, we need to speak for those unable to speak for themselves.