The funeral is over but the problems are not

[Claudia1]

My FIL passed away, quite frankly, it was the best thing for him. He was 90 years old, had broken a hip last fall then had a pulmonary embolysis followed by a stroke. For the last 5 months, he did not know anybody and slept most of the time. No chance for recovery and certainly no quality of life.

The problem is with DH's older brother. He has never been capable of living on his own and is definitely mentally impaired. For all of his life, Dad paid his bills and supported him. Our attempts to guide him toward training or assisted living were always in vain. He is 57 and his financial support is now gone. DH is the only remaining family member and they have never been close.

.........big sigh..........

DH and I must know figure out how to get him the immediate cash he needs to pay his bills without it appearing to be a hand-out, try to help him plan for the inheritance (which will only last a year of two for him), and try to get him the help that he needed 30 or 40 years ago. DH had been telling his Dad for years that he needed to make plans for his son that would carry him thru life after he was gone. All he did was give him money and enable him. He never acknowledged that his son was impaired even though the rest of the extended family openly did.

We have some excellent advice from the estate attorney (Dad's close friend) & our banker (a personal friend) on setting up accounts with a solid paper trail, oversight strategies, etc..... The mechanics will be easy. Dealing with BIL will not.

He doesn't want a meanial job. He was to be a boss. He is unkempt, smelly, speaks with poor articulation, and not a good job candidate for virtually anything. For most of his life, he has gone without a job because he couldn't hold it or he just couldn't find one that he felt he was worthy of doing.

I guess it's out of the pot and into the fire........

 

[chell]

 

[Luv2Roam]

I hate to sound harsh -- but --
Why is this your problem?
Are you his guardian?
Sounds like no one ever let him grow up.

I have an older brother I love. He has a messed up life. And whose fault is that?
Problem is, people like that never appreciate what help they are given and just suck as much life out of those around them.
We all make mistakes. But we need to learn from the mistakes we make. Not let someone come in and do the clean up work all our lives. What life lessonis learned that way?

I feel for you. It is a tough choice. But you need to deicde what is best for you two also. Don't let it become a burden for you that you can't recover from.

I don't know how you can help someone like that.
If you find out -- I am sure many would like to know.

Seems every family has someone like this.

Good luck.

 

[Robinrs]

What a trial you are going through... I am so sorry for your loss.

My Dad also supported his brother, who is mentally impaired but in a sweet way. He is adorable, like a child. He gets disability and now my aunt takes care of him. Unlike your relative, he is just a pleasure to take care of. Family members FIGHT over him because he's so gentle and handy.

I definitely hope you can find a social worker or medical worker who can take over this for you. Don't take this on by yourselves, it's not your job.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[disykat]

I think it's great that you are going to help get BIL the help he has needed for years. I've known some folks who have done really well in group home/ workshop environments. It'll be hard since he didn't go in when he was young, but hopefully you will find a good program for him. Best wishes.

 

[vhoffman]

Oh, what a spot to be in! I really feel for you. Sounds like FIL never looked to his son's future, just day to day, and now its your problem. Yes, I suppose legally he's not your problem, but realistically you can't just walk away from him. Also, it sounds like he has some assets so he won't qualify for any type of aid. Many parents of disabled children don't leave them any assets directly so they can qualify for aid. They set up a trust or something. Perhaps when he goes through his inheritance he could qualify for something. My only advice would be to not guard his assets, let them spend down, then get whatever aid you can. Good luck!
'

 

[arminnie]

You and your husband must NOT be his enablers. That's a total no-win situation. If he is as disturbed as you say he is, why would you pay attention to what he thinks. I don't mean to be cruel but you should just pretty much stay out of it unless asked by him directly (and then limit it) and let the estate attorney and banker handle it.

You say mental deficient, yet when you describe him he does not sound like he is actually mentally retarded. So I'm assuming that he has personality disorders not actualy retardation.

A friend of mine has a son with severe cerebral palsy. He is the sweetest dearest man and everyone loves him. He lives in a group home and has a job. The man you are describing sounds like his life is more a result of choices not an innate inability to function. If I am wrong about that then just disregard what I have to say here.

There's not really much you can do to force someone to live his life differently if he doesn't want to. You are just setting yourself up for heartache and failure. Perhaps a group like Al-Anon could provide some kind of referral to you for help in how to deal with his problems and how to recognize what you do not have control over.

Are you willing to take him in and let him live with you? think about that very seriously.

If he chooses to help himself then of course I'm sure you would want to be there for him, but it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near that yet.

Have you read Confederacy of Dunces? reminds me of the lead character.

 

[TigerBear]

That sounds like a hard situation to be in. When you say "mentally impaired" are you referring to mental retardation or mental illness?

 

[Kallison]

Well help him as much as you can but not to the financial detriment of your family. Hugs to you.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Tough days, Claudia. Hard to deal with. Sounds like Jim and his brother sure grew up differently. No real input or help, no suggestions if nothing done to prepare. I know I have worked with some families ahead of time, dealing for what is known, but when no preparation, very difficult. My best.

 

[momof2inPA]

Hopefully, your BIL would qualify for social security disability. It sounds like a group home and workshop would be his best bet, but the good ones have very long waiting lists, so do not put off looking into these.

Many borderline mentally retarded people try to seem as normal as possible, but lack the capacity to solve problems in even simple jobs or to concentrate for long periods of time. They then are labelled "bums" for not being able to hold down the jobs, but not being disabled enough to qualify for any more aid. Sounds like this might be your BIL. He needs your help right now, and it sounds like you are doing your best to see that he is cared for.

Best of luck. Been there, done that.

 

[Claudia1]

I'm sure that he has not been officially tested but an educated guess would put his IQ at 50 or 60. We have had several months to think about this and our plan is to give him as many tools as possible, especially before the estate is settled. Living with us is not an option.

As sad as it sounds, his best chance of survival seems to be after the money is gone and he qualifies for help. When he gets the money, we hope to be able to direct him to spend it reasonably, not to throw it away or be suckered into some kind of scheme.

As to "why us"? It is simply the right thing to do. We do not plan to be enablers. We will not give him one dime as a hand-out. That is not right, either.

No matter what we do, he will choose his own course. All we can hope to do is to help him make better choices.

Sad. The thing that my FIL was most proud of was his ability to provide for his son. That is the thing that has hurt him the most.

 

[arminnie]

Originally posted by Claudia1
I'm sure that he has not been officially tested but an educated guess would put his IQ at 50 or 60.

He should be able to qualify for SS disability even if he does have assets - if he has ever worked long enough to be covered by SS.

I know that my friend's son who I mentioned in an earlier post has an IQ of 40. He lives in a group home and has a job. He gets disability from SS - I don't know if this was on his own or through his late father. His SS and his pay go to the group home except for a small allowance.

You are a very caring person to do all of this. When you first posted I had this misunderstanding that he was just lazy not really retarded. Having a low IQ is very different from just not wanting to work.

You are right not to let him live with you. Prayers for you all.

 

[Luv2Roam]

Well -- good luck. I hope it works. And I hope my gut feeling is wrong.
I think in the end no matter how good your intentions are, and how well you do, he will always view you as hindering his lifestyle and stealing from him. Seems like they always do. We are often our own worse enemies.
He won't be able to do what he wants and when he wants with his $. I am not saying he KNOWS how to handle any responsiblity. But that will be HIS perception. How would he know any different when daddy always took care of him?
Your intentions are honorable. But you won't be telling him anything he wants to hear. I think whether you help him or not, it is a no win situation.
I really hope the best for you.

 

[Claudia1]

You are right, Luv2Roam. We are going into this knowing that the end result will not be good. We have no expectations of a miraculous change so we will not feel like a failure with the end result.

We can only do what is right, moral, and Christ-like. In the end, we, too are responsible for our actions. We can only respond to the situation to the best of our abilities. I believe that is what we are doing........ responding to his needs in the best way possible while still protecting our immediate family.

To respond any less goes against our grain.

 

[poohandwendy]

Hugs out to you, that is a tough situation. Sounds like you are getting sound advice. It will be very difficult, but it sounds like you have a united front with your DH. That will, ultimately, be every important I think.

You are in my thoughts and prayers...

 

[JerseyJanice]

If you and your BIL lived near here, I could tell you where to come for help. Sounds like you guys need a good social worker big time. (I'm not one, but work with a few of them.)

I hesitate to say much more because I know with a trust in place, he probably won't qualify for SSI even though it's what he needs. Yet, there ought to be some kind of assistance before it gets to the point where he's desolate and homeless.

Every state and community has resources to help people like your BIL. Finding out what they are and how to get them can be a challenge, and this is why I say you need a good social worker to steer you in the right direction.

Best of luck to you and your family, Claudia. I wish I could help more, but things vary so much from community to community.

All I can say is that you should rack your brain, church, government agencies, and phone book to find what's available to you folks. The help you need is likely out there; finding it is the hard part. {hug}

 

[Serena]

Claudia, I am so sorry about your fil. But as you say, he is in a better place now.

As for your bil, yes, all you can do is what your heart tells you is right. With all the advice I'm sure you will make good decisions.

 

[Val]

You might want to contact your local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) or your ARC (Association for Retarded Citizens). These agencies often have good advice for familymembers in this type of situation- from dealing with legal issues to types of resources available in your local area.

When I did "clinical work" rather than just research, I worked for an agency in another state that took in older developmentally disabled or dually diagnosed (both mentally ill and mentally retarded) clients. The individuals were placed in group homes, given job training and provided services. You might have an agency such as this in your local area- although I warn you the waiting lists can be long.

Good luck and God Bless. The "borderline" cases are the most difficult because social skills tend to be the major deficit. This makes the individual rather "annoying" to deal with and the extent of services needed rather ambiguous. Hang in there!

 

[danacara]

I agree with Janice. Social worker, now. Your efforts to be moral and christ like are not really going to solve this problem. He could be homeless in a year. Start getting reinforcements ASAP.