I've never really told anyone this because it hurts and I still blame myself, but I guess it's time to tell...It might be a little long, I'm sorry in advance.
My sister in law was pregnant with Logan and we had two baby showers planned, one from her side of the family and one from my side of the family. They were both at her and my brother's house down the same road that I live on.
Darren and I had just gotten back from our honeymoon two weeks before, and we had only been living in our new house for exactly one week. My daddy made Jasper some steps to get on and off the bed, my mom made him a pillow and a blanket with his name on it. He loved to scatter his toys all over the house and run around. He loved living here!
Anyway, it was the day of the first shower, the one given by SIL's parents. I went to it to help out and see all of the cute things. I had left Jasper at my parent's house (we all live on the same road) because I wasn't comfortable with leaving him alone in our house yet. I told Darren to clean up around the house while I was gone.
For some reason I just wanted to leave the shower after it was over. I wish I would have stayed just a couple more minutes...I drove down the road and I see Darren's friend Chris is at our house and in the middle of the driveway so I couldn't pull in. I got really aggravated because for one, I couldn't pull into the driveway, and two, Darren was supposed to be cleaning up the house, not playing basketball which I could see he had been doing. He was in the house then though.
So I drove to my parent's to go ahead and get Jasper. He was inside and my brother Joe was playing with him. I was still mad so I just told him to come on, and he flew out the door, excited to see me. I remember Joe asking, "What are you mad about?" But I just said "Nothing" and kept walking.
I walked home since I couldn't park and for some stupid reason I felt like I had to get the mail. I should have waited. Jasper ran across the road with me like he always did to pee on the grass in the ditch. I thought I looked both ways on the road, but I didn't. I started walking back to the house, looking at the mail when I turned around and saw a car coming. I looked for Jasper but he wasn't behind me, and then I saw him crossing the road to me. I looked at the car, him, the car, him. I put my hands up to make them stop but I couldn't yell or anything. Jasper didn't see the car, he was looking at me. I watched him roll under the car and he cried. I just remember yelling NO and falling on my knees. I felt like I was in a dream or something.
The person got out of the car and I saw then that it was my uncle. He kept saying "I didn't see him Heather I'm so sorry. I thought you were waving to me."
Then Darren ran outside and grabbed me but I pulled away and ran inside, and I seen Joe running across the yard. He leaned down to get Jasper from under the car.
I didn't know what to do, I just knew it wasn't good. Darren came inside and said that Jasper wanted to see me and I said I can't he's hurt. His back is broken they'll have to put him to sleep.
Joe brought him in and he just looked at me with his sweet little eyes. I grabbed his head and kissed it and said "He's not okay, he's not okay." I walked away because I couldn't see him. Darren called the emergency vet who said they would be at the office soon.
My mom and sister ran from the shower and they both cried too. My mom was very attached to him as well. Then they all brought him to the vet but I couldn't go. I hate myself for it but I couldn't see him like that.
I locked myself in the bedroom and just paced and cried. Awhile later my brother knocked on the door and I just said, "I don't want to know." He told me to open the door and I said no. So he told me through the door that Darren and Chris were taking him to Baton Rouge to LSU because there's a really good surgeon there and they were going to see if they could help him.
I got a glimmer of hope but it died quickly because I knew they wouldn't be able to.
After hours of crying and hating myself, Darren called. The surgery would be $2,000 and he would never walk again. I struggled with that, but I knew he would just want to be with us no matter what. He liked to be carried around anyway. His back was broken right in front of his tail. They would do the surgery that night.
So Darren came home and we cried together. We laid in bed and it felt so empty without Jappy. Darren fell asleep and I remember him waking up really fast and felt on the covers, hoping it was a dream and that he would be there.
At 1:30am the phone rang. My heart sank. It was the surgeon, she said the surgery was over and he did great. We would have to express his pee, but he might learn to do it on his own again. They also measured him for a cart once he healed.
She also said that some dogs gets something where the spinal cord just keeps dying and there's nothing they could do. It would most likely happen within three days if it was going to happen. She said don't rule out putting him to sleep just because of what it was. I couldn't do that. I feel selfish because he suffered for no reason, but I had to give him a chance. I just had to.
Over the next 3 days, I made Darren call to check on him about every 3 hours. They said he was eating fine and everything. On the thrid night, the doctor said we can come see him the next day. I was nervous. I didn't know if I wanted to.
That night my dad told me, "You don't realize this, but Jasper is our first grandbaby." Of course that made me cry.
I didn't go to Logan's other baby shower either. I didn't even want to leave the house, but the next day we went. By the time we got there I convinced myself that I didn't want to go see him, I told Darren he had to go back in the room by himself. He said ok. We brought one of my shirts for him to sleep on so he could have my scent.
We're sitting in the waiting room and the nurse just brings Jasper out. So I had no choice in seeing him but I'm so glad I did. She put him in Darren's lap and his little back was shaved and he had a bandage on it. I just kept kissing him and telling him I loved him. He was still the same old Jasper, trying to sniff all of the dogs that came into the waiting room and everything. I don't know how long we stayed, but we figured we better go so he could rest. I hurried and went outside so he couldn't cry for me. I hated leaving him there.
Darren came out with the shirt and said the doctor wouldn't let him leave it. They didn't want to be liable if something happened to it. That made me mad because I didn't care what happened to it, I just wanted him to have it.
So we went back home, adjusting to the fact that he will need a cart to get around. I was just so happy to be able to see him and kiss him.
The next morning at 7am the phone rang. Darren looked at the caller ID and hurried out of the room. I knew then that it was the doctor, and it couldn't be good news if they were calling that early. I walked out of the room and stood in the kitchen and listened to him talk. He turned around and saw me and told the doctor he would call him back. Then he started crying and told me he wasn't going to make it. They tried everything but his spinal cord was dying.
I felt so empty and I couldn't even cry at first. It was our fault for leaving him. He probably thought we weren't going back to get him so he just let go. I know that's crazy, but I know Jasper. He got depressed when he wasn't with us, he even got that way at my mom's house sometimes. So I imagine around a bunch of strangers he would be scared and sad, and then seeing us, but us leaving him again probably made him just give up. That kills me to think about it. He had to die all alone in a strange hospital.
Darren's dad left work to pick up his body and bring it to us. Darren told me to pick out what I wanted him to be buried with. My dad built a box for him. That day the granite people came to install the countertops and all I could think about was Jasper went with us to pick out the granite.
A few days later I found little pieces of his ball on the rug beside the bed. I bent down to get them and I looked under the bed and there his ball was. He left it there when he played with it last. It's still there to this day.
I can't believe it's been a year. It hasn't really gotten easier but it's not as raw as before. I still blame myself for getting the mail that day, or not looking down the road, or for leaving the shower early. I can't help it, I always will.
I'm really sorry this was so long, wow. I don't want to delete it after writing it all, so maybe you can skim it. I haven't told it to anyone so I just wanted to get it out there I guess. Thanks for listening.
Yeah not sure I can read that poem for awhile. Thank you.
I feel your pain, I really do. We miss our little "men". But just remember it was not your fault. 
. I love it.
He fit in the palm of my hand, it was so precious!
again reading this.
