The Big "D"

[blanq]

I am sorry you are going through this. Give yourself some time for this to sink in before reacting.

No matter what happens regarding the divorce proceeding or not, please think about ways to increase your income and self sufficiency asap. I know most people here are telling you to finish your last semester to get your masters but that is not the path I would take. I work in family law, so am coming from my perspective with my 20 years of working in it. Even though you have not worked during your marriage, there is a chance you will not get spousal maintenance (if it became a litigated issue) because you do have a bachelors degree and an argument could be made that you have the resources and education to get a job now. Just do it...find a job subbing (there are many around here who get lots of hours doing just that) if needed and work toward getting a teaching job that will stabilize your income. Then, once the dust has settled, you can finish your masters pretty quickly.


I agree with getting information/copies about your finances (tax returns, bank statements, etc) in order and getting it all organized. You may want to wait to get an attorney until your husband has actually filed for divorce (if he doesn't why spend the money to have retained one yourself unless you decide you want to file for divorce first?), but make sure you have some names and contact information of good family law attorneys in your area. Many attorneys will allow a 30 minute consulation for free, so you could pick a few and interview them to find someone you are comfortable with should you need to actually retain them. Any work you have done concerning having your debts and income laid out clearly will save your lawyer time, and in turn you money, should you need to retain counsel. You indicate to us that you feel that your husband may handle this in a decent manner, so sit down with him (when you are ready) and talk about the finances, and make some agreements about how money will be spent and what arrangements will be made to pay bills if he decides to leave your home before anyone has time to obtain a temporary court order pending the dissolution. Temporary orders typically cover child support, maintenance, parenting schedules, etc. and stay in place until the divorce decree is issued.

 

[disneyfans95]

Here is an honest question and I don't know how it works..

But the OP was in school for over 14 years and never got a job and clearly her field of education (again after a decade of it) had not given her viable job skills as of yet. As of yet (repeated that).

So how does the debt work. I mean her husband just supported her for that long, and I am sure the debt would be a lot less if the OP was working and/or not putting money into education.

Lets hope the OP lands a great job after this. So the ex basically paid for the education, sucked up debt due to not having a 2nd income and now he does not get the "benefit" of that effort.

Again, honest question. You can swap the genders so it was a stay at home dad or a man going to school.

I hope this is not offensive, but when I read the OP post, I was very curious if she went out and landed a super job I guess she pays off 1/2 the debt, but for the ex (again this is not about gender, so could be the ex wife) sucked it up for a really long time .

 

[GoofyGolferGirl]

I would finish my degree and get the BET LAWYER IN TOWN OR OUT OF TOWN if you wait to see if he is going to get a lawyer you are way behind! Like the others have said copy everything even if you don't think it is important, I would not get a job you have not had a job or entire marriage why get one now??!? I would get one after my divorce, he has supported you this long,I don't see what a few more months are going to hurt. Now is NOT the time to be nice!! I have had to many friends get divorce and not want to deal with anything so they just let their ex handle everything, every single one would tell you to get a lawyer now even before he does! In my state the spouse has to keep you up in the style you were kept in your marriage, so I see no benefit of getting a job right now. Get a lawyer ASAP!!

 

[blanq]

I would finish my degree and get the BET LAWYER IN TOWN OR OUT OF TOWN if you wait to see if he is going to get a lawyer you are way behind! Like the others have said copy everything even if you don't think it is important, I would not get a job you have not had a job or entire marriage why get one now??!? I would get one after my divorce, he has supported you this long,I don't see what a few more months are going to hurt. Now is NOT the time to be nice!! I have had to many friends get divorce and not want to deal with anything so they just let their ex handle everything, every single one would tell you to get a lawyer now even before he does! In my state the spouse has to keep you up in the style you were kept in your marriage, so I see no benefit of getting a job right now. Get a lawyer ASAP!!

In the state where you live, there are 6 factors the court looks at to determine whether or not spousal maintenance should be ordered, and the standard of living the parties enjoyed while married is just one. Your law is fairly typical of most states. In my state, these are the factors a court looks at:

1. The financial resources of the spouse seeking maintenance;
2. The amount of time that is necessary for the spouse seeking maintenance to acquire necessary skills or education to find appropriate employment;
3. The age and physical and emotional health of the recipient spouse;
4. The standard of living established during the marriage;
5. The length of the marriage;
6. The contribution and economic sacrifices of a homemaker including loss of seniority, retirement benefits and other employment opportunities foregone while working at home
7. The financial resources available to the spouse from whom maintenance is sought.

 

[disneybound31]

A friend of mine is dealing with something similar- I can't think of any advice for her either...I just listen and try to help her with her kids and the logistics of not having a 2-nd adult around to help her take care of things/kids. DH mowed her grass the other day because her husband can't be bothered anymore. Kids really suffer when adults get selfish- I'm sure it has to be too hard for words to keep moving forward and taking care of things for your self and your daughter. But I bet you will do it and do it well. Hang in there.

 

[dzorn]

Here is an honest question and I don't know how it works..

But the OP was in school for over 14 years and never got a job and clearly her field of education (again after a decade of it) had not given her viable job skills as of yet. As of yet (repeated that).

So how does the debt work. I mean her husband just supported her for that long, and I am sure the debt would be a lot less if the OP was working and/or not putting money into education.

Lets hope the OP lands a great job after this. So the ex basically paid for the education, sucked up debt due to not having a 2nd income and now he does not get the "benefit" of that effort.

Again, honest question. You can swap the genders so it was a stay at home dad or a man going to school.

I hope this is not offensive, but when I read the OP post, I was very curious if she went out and landed a super job I guess she pays off 1/2 the debt, but for the ex (again this is not about gender, so could be the ex wife) sucked it up for a really long time .

Just because a person doesn't work outside the home does not mean they don't work.

Denise in MI

 

[disneyfans95]

Just because a person doesn't work outside the home does not mean they don't work.

Denise in MI

Correct, but say you are a stay at home mom/dad. You are "supported" while married. Marriage ends and you move on.

Same deal but the the ex supports your education for (in this case 14 years) and then you break up. You land 150k annual job, the ex should get something for that.

That was my point. This is not some SAHM mom here. This is someone that got over a decade of education that you would have to assume would land an advanced job for the effort. How does the ex benefit from all the time, money etc they put into this? Again this is not some gender thing. Could be a woman supporting and guy getting the education.

 

[QueenGoblin]

Correct, but say you are a stay at home mom/dad. You are "supported" while married. Marriage ends and you move on.

Same deal but the the ex supports your education for (in this case 14 years) and then you break up. You land 150k annual job, the ex should get something for that.

That was my point. This is not some SAHM mom here. This is someone that got over a decade of education that you would have to assume would land an advanced job for the effort. How does the ex benefit from all the time, money etc they put into this? Again this is not some gender thing. Could be a woman supporting and guy getting the education.

I think this is precisely was divorce can start out amicably and turn ugly, because there are so many variables. Yes, it seems one spouse was supporting the other while an education was pursued that could end up giving the spouse a good income. But on the flipside, in this case at least, it seems the spouse being educated was also providing childcare and was responsible for the majority of the household duties. If the working spouse had to pay for childcare and do the bulk of the household work, the argument could be made that s/he would be even less financially stable. Afterall, studies show that the MOST successful professionals are married and have a stay at home spouse because they have more time and energy to devote to their careers and are more likely to be promoted.

To the OP I don't have any better advice than what has already been provided. Just Hugs.

 

[Colleen27]

That was my point. This is not some SAHM mom here. This is someone that got over a decade of education that you would have to assume would land an advanced job for the effort. How does the ex benefit from all the time, money etc they put into this? Again this is not some gender thing. Could be a woman supporting and guy getting the education.

She took over a decade to get a bachelors and most of a masters - 6 years of education if taken on a typical full-time schedule - which tells me she was only going part time, probably around her husband's schedule, the kids' needs, and of course the financial ability to take those classes. That is absolutely a SAHM situation; without the education, there's little hope of ever rejoining the workforce after an extended absence except in the most menial, low-wage jobs, so you take the classes when you can in preparation for the "someday" when you will want/need to get a decent job.

On top of that, she indicated she's going into teaching (and if she's anything like me, she probably chose that path in part because it is more compatible with family life than other, better paying, more demanding fields). In my area the payoff for that education is just shy of 40K/year with good benefits, hardly an "advanced job" that the soon-to-be-ex spouse should be looking for a piece of.

 

[JimmyJr'sMom]

Financial trouble/******* is #1 cause of divorce.

 

[Evi]

Here is an honest question and I don't know how it works..

But the OP was in school for over 14 years and never got a job and clearly her field of education (again after a decade of it) had not given her viable job skills as of yet. As of yet (repeated that).

So how does the debt work. I mean her husband just supported her for that long, and I am sure the debt would be a lot less if the OP was working and/or not putting money into education.

Lets hope the OP lands a great job after this. So the ex basically paid for the education, sucked up debt due to not having a 2nd income and now he does not get the "benefit" of that effort.

Again, honest question. You can swap the genders so it was a stay at home dad or a man going to school.

I hope this is not offensive, but when I read the OP post, I was very curious if she went out and landed a super job I guess she pays off 1/2 the debt, but for the ex (again this is not about gender, so could be the ex wife) sucked it up for a really long time .

When your married the debt you accrue is your debt as a couple. When one spouse doesn't have a job do you keep a list of things you paid for and ask for it back? of course not. Unfortunately he is choosing to leave her. While she was in school she was educating herself with the hopes of a job that would better there livelihood as a couple. Just because he changed his mind doesn't mean she has to back pay for things they accrued together.

 

[dzorn]

Correct, but say you are a stay at home mom/dad. You are "supported" while married. Marriage ends and you move on.

Same deal but the the ex supports your education for (in this case 14 years) and then you break up. You land 150k annual job, the ex should get something for that.

That was my point. This is not some SAHM mom here. This is someone that got over a decade of education that you would have to assume would land an advanced job for the effort. How does the ex benefit from all the time, money etc they put into this? Again this is not some gender thing. Could be a woman supporting and guy getting the education.

Well you get the benefit when you stay married. This was not the OP choice but her husbands decision. If he does not want to stay for the long haul then his loss.

OP I hope it all works out for the best. Get a lawyer ASAP.

Denise in MI

 

[Tink-aholic]

I just want to make a small point to the OP: make sure you can support yourself and your children on your own.

It sounds like there is a lot of debt to manage, so don't be surprised if there isn't any money left over for spousal support or even child support. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it can be a reality and it is better if the OP can be ready for it.

Regardless of court orders (which are not "suggestions" even though many people treat them this way), someone determined not to pay just won't pay.

OP's kids rely on her. It is now up to her to get whatever work she can to meet her needs and those who depend on her. Find an economical place to live. Get income coming in and make a budget that does not depend on "support" from her ex -- and if any comes, that is gravy. Do not depend on it...depend on yourself, instead.

I truly believe that there is honor in any job. Just keep reminding yourself that your kids depend on you and you can do it.

Good luck.

 

[arihillfarm]

Correct, but say you are a stay at home mom/dad. You are "supported" while married. Marriage ends and you move on.

Same deal but the the ex supports your education for (in this case 14 years) and then you break up. You land 150k annual job, the ex should get something for that.

That was my point. This is not some SAHM mom here. This is someone that got over a decade of education that you would have to assume would land an advanced job for the effort. How does the ex benefit from all the time, money etc they put into this? Again this is not some gender thing. Could be a woman supporting and guy getting the education.

The ex would have gotten something from this had he not left the marriage. There are costs for every decision that one makes. In this case, I'm guessing he wants out worse than he wants the potential "benefits" from her education if and when she gets a job. His choice and no, he shouldn't get anything after the fact for a decision he made himself.

-Astrid

 

[deerhart]

Here is an honest question and I don't know how it works..

But the OP was in school for over 14 years and never got a job and clearly her field of education (again after a decade of it) had not given her viable job skills as of yet. As of yet (repeated that).

So how does the debt work. I mean her husband just supported her for that long, and I am sure the debt would be a lot less if the OP was working and/or not putting money into education.

Lets hope the OP lands a great job after this. So the ex basically paid for the education, sucked up debt due to not having a 2nd income and now he does not get the "benefit" of that effort.

Again, honest question. You can swap the genders so it was a stay at home dad or a man going to school.

I hope this is not offensive, but when I read the OP post, I was very curious if she went out and landed a super job I guess she pays off 1/2 the debt, but for the ex (again this is not about gender, so could be the ex wife) sucked it up for a really long time .

Most state laws there is no marital interest in future earnings do to support of one spouse over the other through "schooling". Now the law gets VERY VERY grey when one spouse has made promises of supporting the other spouse through school AFTER the education is completed and then the promising spouse files for divorce. In that case, some courts will hold the promising spouse to that promise and require them to provide the other spouse with support to do their education (as their is consideration because the non promising spouse deferred and supported in consideration of going at a later date) and some courts will not hold up the promise. There are TONS of cases where one party but a person through law school or medical school, that person filed for divorce and the other now wants a piece of the future profit.

The problem with the way your looking at it is a common issue with many people. They see the things they have as something they individually worked for. The courts do not view marital property in the same manner. The courts view every item attained during the marriage as BOTH parties working for it. Thus, each paycheck I bring home, as viewed by the courts, belongs to both myself AND my DH despite him not doing anything for it.

This is because the courts view the marital relationship as a balance of give and take and that the choices made by the couple are automatically joint choices. Therefore, if one spouse stays home, goes to school etc.. that is deemed to be a decision made by the whole, not by the parts.

This ALSO allows the Court not to get involved in the dregs of figuring out the worth/value of things like housekeeping, child rearing, etc to the marriage versus an income. These things DO have a monetary value, but its extremely difficult to pin down (and frankly a huge waste of time, money, and court resources to do so).

As for maintenance, in the county that I primarily work, if a party is capable of earning 25-30k a year, maintenance is not likely to be ordered. If it is ordered, its going to only be for a very short time. In the OP's case, many of the judges may award her a very short term amount of maintenance so she can find a job (like 6-12 months). Her biggest factor would be fighting the income amount imputed to her for child support calculations.

One other thing that will come into play is that maintenance is tax deductible for the party paying and income on the party receiving. Child support, on the other hand, is not. I end up with a lot of people paying more in maintenance why the children are still eligible for child support and lower child support in order to take the significant tax benefits of the lower income. If your going to have to pay $15,000 a year in child support and maintenance, your going to want to have as much of that come off your income as possible.

Oh, one more thing, student loan debt is almost never ever divided amongst the parties. It will belong to the person undertaking the education (even when taken out during the marriage I have never seen them deemed marital debt). Now if you have a consolidated spousal loan for your student loan debt (like DH and I do) then it would have to be divided, but would be divided out to what each person's loans were prior to the consolidation.

 

[Melissa]

Been there done that. Pretty recently too. And much the same thing married 15 years when he decided he hadn't had enough fun in his life. He had no desire to try to fix anything and in fact hid from me that anything was broken. We have a 12 year old dd too. Last year at this time when this was just starting for me I kept wishing for someone to talk to who had been though something similar, I had lots of supportive friends but if you haven't been though that kind of betrayal and devastation you can't really relate. Get a lawyer fast. Try to stay as civil as you can for your dd and know that it does get better and you really will be ok. When this first started I was like How can I do all this alone? Well I am Thank God I had a good job, but I've figured it all out, I think when you see yourself as a team for so long, when you are so used to having some one have your back, it is easy to thinking you can't make it. You can!

PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I have no advice, but please stay strong and I will pray that all works out for you in the end.