Thanksgiving as a guest question

[Hrhpd]

Just curious what others think. If you invite family over for Thanksgiving (or any holiday for that matter), do you ask them to bring anything? I was asked to bring 3 different items. Maybe it's just personal preference, but if I decide to have a lunch or party or something at my house, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

Opinions?

Should add, I don't mind picking the stuff up. I'm simply giving my stance on what I would do.

Just because the way you would do things is different than the way your family does it, does not mean they are wrong, just different.

Hosting a holiday dinner for Family often has different traditions than if you were hosting your own dinner party. It seems to be pretty common for other family members to bring something. It is family so usually a joint effort.

If you feel so strongly that the entire family should celebrate Thanksgiving on somebody else's dime, there is a very simple solution. Next year you host the entire Thanksgiving. You can do all the cooking and foot the bill. I would not be complaining about being asked to bring 3 very simple things in exchange for someone doing all the coordinating, planning, buying, cooking, and cleaning.

That said, we have been hosting our family Thanksgiving for over 30 years, some years under 10 people, some years over 30. This year, our college kids are bringing roommates that are not going home for Thanksgiving. I have never asked anyone to bring anything, although, family always asks. There are some dishes our immediate family doesn't like (sweet potatoes) that others in the family think it would be sacrilegious to not have them on the table at Thanksgiving. They are more than welcome to bring their favorite dishes. I never ask people to bring something but never turn down someone if they want to bring something. Our menu is usually pretty relaxed so we can always accommodate contributions.

 

[connorlevismom]

For us, we always ask people to bring stuff. However, my immediate family is at almost 60 people so we have never left it up to just one person. Nobody would offer to host! LOL Typically as the host you are responsible for the main dish and everyone else brings something to share.

 

[aprilgail]

We are going to my cousins and I asked what we should bring- so she asked for desserts and an app- so I am bringing chocolate chip crumb cake and pumpkin pie and a appetizer- I also sent flowers to be delivered the day before Thanksgiving.

 

[FergieTCat]

I was going to bring something (on the Delta Shuttle!) but my sister told me not to. So I'm not.

 

[luvsJack]

A holiday dinner is a lot of work. I would never expect someone to do all of it.

We tend to decide where it will be first. Second question is “what does everyone want to bring?” And everyone brings sides, appetizers, desserts, whatever.

We are doing 3 turkeys for Thursday, along with 2 desserts and 4 sides. My dil will do several sides and a dessert. Someone will do a ham. Dd is making yeast rolls. And I am hoping dil’s mom is making her delicious dumplings!! Along with several other things. The dinner is at ds and dil’s home.

When we go to mil’s she will do a ham, we do turkey and everyone does a couple of sides. Mil makes a multitude of desserts. We dil’s have made and contributed desserts but none of our husbands will eat any but those made by mil so we quit trying lol.

Next year our family meal will be at my house. We will do the meat and dressing. Everyone will contribute something.


It’s the same at Christmas. I would be shocked at NOT being expected to bring something even if it’s only ice and drinks.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

We hosted our family Christmas shindig for the first time last year and it was a real eye opener on the amount of money and work it entailed. From hand shovelling enough room in the driveway for 9 cars instead of the 2 we normally shovel for to cleaning and reorganizing everything to make room for that many people to just trying to work around so many people's schedules to simply plan a day that would work for everyone. Add in the hours of cooking, while trying to accommodate various diets from meat and potato only people to vegetarians to picky kids or allergies to those whose mashed potatoes have to be perfectly smooth without the slightest bit of skin, while others want the lumps and skin. Then having to run out to the store an hour before guests were to arrive when I realized we didn't have enough plates and forks to accommodate a last minute add-on, and spending a half-month's grocery budget on one meal, despite being a frugal shopper. Then spending 3 hrs afterwards cleaning up and washing dishes since I don't have a working dishwasher.

Hosting is a lot of work and I will do whatever I can to ease the burden for anyone else who chooses to do it.

 

[tcufrog]

I've hosted for years and one of the things I swear by is a cleanup station. The cleanup station consists of a couple of trashcans on top of a disposable tablecloth next to a table. Sitting on the table are some restaurant bussing tubs. Half are empty and half are half full with hot, soapy water. The cleanup crew scrapes the food particles into the trashcans, quickly rinses the dishes in the soapy water, and then stacks them carefully in the empty tub to be washed in the dishwasher. That way a lot of the dish cleaning grunt work is done, the kitchen sink isn't overflowing with dishes, and the dishes are unlikely to get hard and crusty before I can run them in the dishwasher. It's amazing how much that setup lightens my load. It can even be done by those who don't know how to wash dishes as long as they aren't fumble fingers.

In my family, those who don't help with prep and kitchen work are on clean-up duty unless they're too young or too old.

 

[disykat]

I agree with all those saying Thanksgiving is a "shared meal" not a dinner party entirely thrown by a host. I would really miss the camaraderie if attending an entirely hosted Thanksgiving meal - it sort of goes against the traditions of the whole holiday IMO. The tradition is "sharing the abundance" and I think everyone contributing makes that happen.

 

[disykat]

oops, double post

 

[antmaril]

It totally depends on the situation. I am invited to my nephew’s for Thanksgiving. They are having 28 people. I asked his wife what I can bring besides wine (I would never go to anything empty handed). She suggested an appetizer, which I will bring. I asked her about pumpkin pie. She said her brother is making a pumpkin cheesecake and she was going to Costco to get one of their huge pumpkin pies. I offered to do that for her and went to Costco this morning (which was a madhouse). If I am invited to a dinner party, I bring wine. Maybe a dessert item, as well. It would be depend on how close I am to the host(s).

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

 

[shoney]

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

Well it usually isn’t seen as a gift but as a contribution to the party. Much like bringing a cake. It is usually put out to consume.
Unless under certain conditions I will give an expensive bottle with a wink to put it away but only when i know the people would enjoy it!

 

[Kimberle]

Just curious what others think. If you invite family over for Thanksgiving (or any holiday for that matter), do you ask them to bring anything? I was asked to bring 3 different items. Maybe it's just personal preference, but if I decide to have a lunch or party or something at my house, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

Opinions?

I always ask what I can bring. We usually end up at BIL's house, with both sides of the family. Everybody brings something. It's a Holiday, everybody enjoys contributing.

If it's a gathering for another reason, I wouldn't bring something for the meal, rather wine or another hostess gift.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If one is having their own event or party... yes, it is all on them. No mandatory contribution.

But, I don't think that THANSGIVING is 'lunch' or 'a party'.

For major 'family' holidays - I am quite the opposite... I don't think one person should control and hijack the entire thing.
If one aunt makes a wonderful dressing...
If one sister makes good homemade pies....
If Uncle knows the best wines or mixers...
If somebody has special dietary preferences or needs...

Hey, the more the merrier!!!!
I say to each their own!!!!

I think the key is the control thing....
If you are being expected/demanded to bring something that is not in your wheelhouse, is above your budget, etc... Yes I would agree that this is a bit much.

More info might be helpful.
What items are you being asked/expected to bring?
What would make these things a problem?

 

[RedAngie]

Different families have different traditions. We were talking at work yesterday about all the different ways we handle Thanksgiving - some set a traditional table and pass the food while others set up a buffet. In some families, the women serve everyone, and in others, everyone serves themselves. In some, everything is cooked at the host's house, and in other's, everyone contributes.

I remember as a kid the extended family gathering at my grandmother's house. Due to limited table space, the men ate first then watched TV or went outside to smoke while the women and kids ate.

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

If I'm sure someone doesn't drink wine I won't bring it. But otherwise, it seems to be a safe hostess gift. They can always re-gift it to someone else.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Just like many others have said, for holiday meals with family members, yes, people usually bring a side dish or appetizer or dessert and it's arranged in advance who's bringing what.

For dinner parties other times of year, no, the hosts usually provide everything.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Just curious what others think. If you invite family over for Thanksgiving (or any holiday for that matter), do you ask them to bring anything? I was asked to bring 3 different items. Maybe it's just personal preference, but if I decide to have a lunch or party or something at my house, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

Opinions?

Yes, I will ask people to bring stuff. But only one thing, not multiple.

 

[HopperFan]

I think every situation may be different, and how it is handled/presented can have everything to do with how you feel about it.

If you are bringing something, PLEASE tell the host what it is in advance so they know and can plan!

I entertain a lot, and usually have the menu planned out. Adding something random can sometimes be a little inconvenient and redundant.

I also HATE when people bring dishes and serving platters that I have to later clean and keep track of and return- please be prepared to take anything of yours back home!

AGREE^

I plan in detail, I arrange my "buffet" with plates all marked. When I have folks ask I give them an idea of something, usually appetizer or dessert but I'd rather not just have random food show up. When I go I always say to host "what do you need or what will work" and put in throw away plates or containers. Another good idea is go to thrift store and buy a pretty serving platter, holiday or whatever, and wash it up ... put the food on it ... and leave it.

Since you said family, I don't think it's a big deal to ask family to bring a dish or two.

I think it all depends on how it is handled or worded. We used to do big gatherings for holidays where there were large groups and even still I do a large Christmas Eve with my extended family. It's always been very organized with host providing main entree (ham, turkey etc) and the plates etc. Then the rest of us all sign up for a couple things but in a way that everyone contributes equally.

I have been asked to come to large gatherings and provide multiple things, then on arrival saw only a few of us are feeding a very large group. Then I feel somewhat like I was invited to do work for the host while many others just were straight up guests. If in OP's case everyone is bringing 3 things then it's really just a pot luck at someone's house and no big. For family holidays it is no big deal for EVERYONE to contribute and it be treated as a family reunion, pot luck style.

I would only be bothered if not everyone is contributing in this situation. Like we were invited to a family member wedding. Was called a week out asking for us to provide a couple side dishes for 100+ people for the buffet.

As a host I never ask.

As a guest I always bring something room temp in a throw away tray and/or spirits even if the host didn’t ask.

THIS^

As Host I never ask. I invited them, I provide. I host big dinners (40-60 people - a few closer to 100) but if holiday I keep it 20 or less since it's a holiday with expected menu.

If someone asks (and most do), I give them ideas of what would be helpful but would never assign them multiple things.

Whenever I go somewhere I ask what I can bring. If they say nothing I might take a small gesture that won't interfere with their menu plan, or they can have for later as a thank you.

More info might be helpful.
What items are you being asked/expected to bring?
What would make these things a problem?

OP did reply ...
"I was asked to bring rolls, cider and a veggie platter."

I don't think bringing is the problem,
it sounds more like how the situation may have been handled.

 

[QueenIsabella]

This is DD23's first Thanksgiving without being with us. She lives 800 miles away, and has to work Wed., so it's not worth the hassle of getting down here, then spending all Sunday getting back. She'll be visiting her aunt and uncle that live relatively close to her, and she's bringing mac and cheese. She's a vegetarian, so it works as both a side dish or a main dish. Added bonus, one of her cousins is also a vegetarian. Another cousin has little kids (ages 2 and 3) who will likely be thrilled to have some of the mac and cheese.

I have to agree with most other posters--this is a family celebration, not a dinner party. The pot-luck aspect is part of the tradition, and part of the fun. Many people have special recipes that you only see once or twice a year--why not enjoy Aunt Marge's famous casserole or Aunt Dori's fabulous pies? It sounds like the OP was asked to bring fairly easy stuff--if I got that request, I'd offer to make something more complicated, but I like having an excuse to make something fancy. OTOH, if I were hosting, I'd be grateful for any and all contributions.

 

[Toolulu22]

My brother and his family are hosting my family and my sister's family for the holiday (several days, since we have to drive 6 and 9 hours respectively). They will be feeding us over several meals so I am bringing 2 dozen NY bagels, as well and two sides for Thanksgiving. My sister is bringing her stuffing and maybe something else. Her older daughter offered to make a pancake breakfast for everyone on one day. My brother originally said they would take care of the food (I suspect really my SIL said this), but its a lot of people for a lot of days so my sister and I just said what we were bringing and they were fine with it.

But to answer your question- when I host an event I don't typically ask people to bring things unless it is specifically going to be a preplanned potluck and my house is going to be the location.

However, usually people ask if they can bring something. I always do. If I don't need anything I tell them just bring themselves, I have everything covered, and they usually bring drinks or flowers. If I think we can use some bread, salads, appetizers, or someone has a special dish I'll suggest that.

For Thanksgiving, since it's usually a ton of work, and many people coming I think its okay to ask if people would bring things, but I don't know that I would just tell someone to bring x, y, z.

Seems like the person may have put you off in the way they asked. They may be a bit stressed, this time of year can be stressful, and planning Thanksgiving adds to it. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, get the items, go and be with your loved ones and enjoy the spirit of the holiday.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

When I host, I expect to provide everything.
If I’m asked by someone what they can bring, I tell them “bring your appetite” or “bring ...insert s/o name here”.
That said, I always appreciate it when someone contributes... it’s very thoughtful.