Tell us a joke......

[natalielongstaff]

its still winter and everyone needs cheering up so i thought this might be fun

The rules.... Each poster may post 1 joke per day and bear in mind this is a family board so keep em clean

here is mine for today:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

 

[Dimplenose]

Here's an old one that is a favourite of mine:-

Fred was taking his first parachute jump. He pulled the cord and the parachute failed to open. He pulled the reserve chute but still nothing happened. Fred was plummetting to earth when he saw a man flying through the air towards him.

Quickly Fred called out "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No," the man replied, "do you know anything about gas cookers?"

Libby

 

[natalielongstaff]

Here's an old one that is a favourite of mine:-

Fred was taking his first parachute jump. He pulled the cord and the parachute failed to open. He pulled the reserve chute but still nothing happened. Fred was plummetting to earth when he saw a man flying through the air towards him.

Quickly Fred called out "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No," the man replied, "do you know anything about gas cookers?"

Libby

that made me laugh Libby !

anyone else ?

 

[Chilly]

I needed those two jokes thanks!

 

[Strommie]

very good

 

[snookhams]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

 

[wishspirit]

lol! All good!

Ok mines a bit of a thinker:

There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'You take the gun and i'll drive.'

 

[Minniespal]

lol! All good!

Ok mines a bit of a thinker:

There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'You take the gun and i'll drive.'

Very good

Here is mine:-

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No
one will answer.

 

[natalielongstaff]

the fish one did make me think !!

yours was very appropriate for you florence

 

[wilma-bride]

I know I've posted this one here before but it's my absolute favourite joke of all time...

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

 

[Dimplenose]

DH has just grimmaced at this joke, but I'm sure the 6 year olds at school would find it hilarious. (Actually they think it hilarious just saying "poo" on it's own!)

Libby

 

[CustardTart]

One from my cruise meet thread which gives a new meaning to the phrase "wee dram"...

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a raffle.
Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."
"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."
Birthdays came and went, anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"
"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"
"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."
"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."
"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"
"Aye, Angus, then what?"
"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"
"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."
"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."
Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

 

[DisneyJo]

Very good

Right the only joke I can remember which is one the girls find funny..........

Why did the elephant take toilet paper to the party?

Because he was a party pooper!!!!

 

[Dimplenose]

Question:- How many homeopaths does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:- 0.000001

Libby

 

[natalielongstaff]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

 

[snookhams]

An old age pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he quickly reached 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he drove down the M1, flying past everyone else on the motorway.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car closing on him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the police car’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the Mercedes, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you off."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the copper.

 

[mickg7dyd]

Hi,
Here's a few one liners:

I think exit signs are on the way out!

That Black Beauty, he's a bit of a dark horse.

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that my Tipex?

This last one needs a bit of thinking about:

Marie Osmond has made a movie
Warner Brothers?
I already Did!!

Mick.

 

[CustardTart]

This one made me wince...

One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answers. "Pardon me Madam, I'm out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to gardening, to painting..."
"Painting?" the woman jumped in.
"Oh, yes, Madam! Im a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work.
"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch with, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.
"Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus."
"Oh yes, Madam, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paints were also around back in the garage.
A few hours later, the man returns to the door.
"That was quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires.
"Oh yes Madam, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man says.
"That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!"

 

[CustardTart]

One more...
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[natalielongstaff]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water."

Continued the dietician, "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and replied, "Wedding cake?"