Tell me what you really think when you see an unwed mom?

[Desiree]

I just posted a big long reply and it disappeared!! Uggh!

Oh well, here's the jist of it.

I was 19 years old when I got pregnant with Devyn. I was terrified. My parents reacted the way I guessed that they would have. Alot of tears and disappointment. But soon that diminished and they grew to accept everything. I ended up marrying Devyn's dad (basically was forced into it).

I feel that your dd obviously has a very good head on her shoulders and I commend her for making sure that she doesn't rush into a marraige. It is her decision but whatever she decides make for certain that you guys love and support her know matter what. As long as she realizes that she still has options, I think she'll be fine.

((HUGS)) to you, Kimmi, the rest of your family, and your new grandbaby on the way. You'll be out buying booties before you know it!

 

[Lanshark]

Her dreams may not be gone, just postponed for awhile.

Best of luck to all of you

 

[wovenwonder]

miracles are amazing

When you were placed with that tag this is probably the last thing you were thinking. BUT - I have a feeling that next year at this time when you hear that phrase you will be thinking of your lovely grandchild!

 

[Kirk]

"What a cute mom! Lucky kid!!!"

 

[dianeschlicht]

Originally posted by tc
Please don't judge me; you don't know where I am right now. I just really need to know what the majority of people think.

Do you feel sorry for her? Think she sleeps around? Want to support her? Look down on her? Wonder what her parents did wrong? Have compassion, pity, love?

All of the above depending on the individual. Sometimes "accidents" happen and the unwed mother takes control and does what is right for her and the baby. She gets support, compassion , pity, and love. Sometimes the unwed mom is using her body for attention. With those, I don't have much patience or compassion. Just today, I heard two young women/girls in the waiting room of the doctors office discussing how many times they had been pregnant, and how they were using the babies to control thier monetary situation. It nearly made me ill, because they were not even speaking of their children by name or as children, but kept calling them "the kid".

 

[grinningghost]

It depends. I was an unwed mom myself, so I can't say I'm against it. I do, however, have a problem with the unwed mothers who continue to have baby after baby after baby, with father after father after father.

 

[scarlett873]

this little blessing couldn't be luckier to be born into such a wonderful and amazing family...

sending along lots of for you and your family...

 

[MAC3]

Originally posted by Beauty
First CONGRATULATIONS because this baby is a blessing and a gift from God!!

Fast forward to today and goodness I couldn't imagine my life without J.C. I applaud Kimmi for being open and honest in the fact that she isn't ready to be married.

and will be praying for all of you in this situation. Just hold on to your faith and know that God does EVERYTHING for a reason, even though you might not know what that reason is right now.

Well said Beauty! Kelli, she's thinking smart by her choice not to rush into marriage right now. {{HUGS}} to all of you!

Congratualtions,
Lisa

 

[Kermit]

{{{Hugs}}} to you and Kimmi. She'll be a great mom, since she has a wonderful role model.

 

[septbride2002]

My daughter, Kimmi, 21 (and lives with us while going to cosmetology school), informed us last night that she's pregnant. She will not marry the dad right now. Doesn't want to compound one mistake with another possible mistake. She wants to make sure she loves him enough to marry. I know I should not worry what other people think, but I don't want her any more miserable than she is. I want people to love and support her, not judge her.

I'm not much older then your daugther and I have had lots of friends that have had unplanned pregnancies, so if I'm going to give you a little advice because I've seen parents handle it several different ways.

1) When you talk about the baby to other people - do not talk about it like it is a burden - you need to seem happy and thrilled and not the least bit stressed at the idea. I've seen Mom's who talked down or negatively about their daughters pregancies to other people but were happy and bright at home. You being negative to other people will be picked up by your daughter and she will remember it.

2) Reassuring your daughter that your opinion hasn't changed about her is good - but you also need to show her. Make sure DH still calls her Babygirl, make sure you are not getting aggravated or disgusted with her for silly reasons when the real reason is you might be disappointed in her. Again she will pick up on this.

3) At the moment - so new in the pregnancy- don't harp on the details - what are you going to do about school? Where are you going to live? She is freaking out about it already - you need to be there to support her. Plus your harping on one thing or another just reinforces to her that you don't think she can do it.

4) Be compasionate - she didn't mean to get where she is. We all make mistakes.

You sound like a great Mom so I'm sure you wouldn't purposely do any of these things - I just think it is good to point out to people. My one friend's Mom constantly talked bad about the pregnancy to people and she caught on to it. She was miserable because she thought her Mom was ashamed of her - and putting the baby in the negative light she thought other people felt the same way. Your daughter is going to worry more about what you and the rest of your family think - not what strangers on the street are thinking.

It is hard to convery feelings over message boards so let me state again - I'm not trying to lecture you - but trying to give gentle advice to help your daughter feel better.

~Amanda

 

[CamColt]

Everything Ive been thinking has been said here already. Just wanted to wish Kimmi, and you and your family all the best with the new addition. Although it may not seem ideal right now, hearing how mature and supported Kimmi is, Im sure everything will work out for the best.
Be sure to keep us updated on how she is doing. You know how we all look forward to new Dis babies.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would echo the sentiment that it depends on the situation.

If I see a single mother or father who has several children by several different people, with none of them providing a stable homelife for the children, I do tend to look down on that because at a certain point personal responsibility comes into play. Anyone can make a mistake once. To keep doing it continually is another story.

I have a friend who got pregnant at 16 and had the baby at 17. She did marry the baby's father. He was a jerk. It didn't last long. She now says that if she had it to do all over again, she never would have admitted that he was even the father, let alone married him! Congratulate your daughter by not compounding her problems by marrying a man she is not sure she loves, and is not sure would make a good husband. I get the impression that you guys aren't thrilled with him. If you're lucky, maybe he'll fade out of your life. My friend's ex-H finally did, but not until she had been through years of aggravation with him. I know there are some that will say "he should support his child" and I agree with that in essence, but if the guy's a jerk, and you're getting a bad feeling about him, and his paying child support means he has access to visitation with the baby, then think long and hard about forcing child support. Again, my friend did force support for a while, and was on pins and needles each time her daughter was with the father. He had abusive tendencies, and she finally got a court order that he couldn't see the child unless HIS mother(baby's paternal grandmother) was present. My friend loved and trusted her, and knew she would protect the baby, even above her own son. As the child got older, the father lost interest, had several more children with various women. My friend and 2nd DH raised the child together, along with 2 more children of theirs, and just let things lie with the bio father. That child is now 25 and seems fine. Went to college, has a good job etc. Has no contact with bio father that I know of, and basically considers my friend's 2nd DH her father.

Take a deep breath and try and relax(easy for me to say!). Her life is changed, not ended. It's a different road, not necessarily a dead end. Any baby is a blessing. This child will bring you much happiness, and your family much love. Be supportive of her so she can follow her dream. If she was planning to go to school, do what you can to help her so she will have the ability to support herself and her baby appropriately. That alone will give her back her self-esteem. My friend was fortunate that her parents were supportive of her, and allowed her to go to school and become trained as an executive secretary, which enabled her to get a good job and support herself and her child.

Twenty years from now, this won't even be an issue. Your daughter will be your daughter, the baby will be your grandchild, and you'll be visiting him/her at college.

 

[Tiggeroo]

your dd is lucky to have you. you and dh just need to support the heck out of her. There are going to be negative people, bad days, times when she is tired, discouraged, disappointed in herself, etc.. and the only cushion she will have is you. Your her mom and you have had reasons to not be thrilled with her relationship with baby's dad. How many girls get pregnant and have nobody to turn to but the dad and marry when it's the wrong choice. This just furthers the whole mess. The support you and dh give her will make the difference between a rough detour and totally sidelining of her life and dreams. With your help she can finish school, become self supporting, get a place for her and the baby, and, well whatever she wants to do. I too got pregnant and married young. I had no parents to turn to. DH and I have had such a rough road. I am just graduating from college at 40. I know I would do things much different if it were ever my dd.

 

[helenabear]

Kelli, I read this while at work and wasn't able to reply... I'll tell you what I was feeling when I first read this as well as say the following!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Kimmi is very lucky to have you and your family... she sounds like she and the father are being very smart about it all. A friend of mine was pregnant at 18, stayed with the father and they did eventually marry about 3-4 years later... she said had she done it earlier, she wasn't sure they would have made it and maybe would have resented her DH for some reason or another. Not that this is the best situation, but just saying that smart decisions can lead to blissful lives... no dreams of my friend had to be given up... both finished school the way they hoped to and have a very good life now

Anyway, what do I think? It doesn't really get to me... first of all, I know that a ring means nothing so I can't "tell" who is married or not. Also I never try to judge age anyway of someone (refering to those talking about teen pregnancy) because as a 27 year old, I sometimes pass for only 18 if that myself. I could keep going but I don't see the point of judging... mistakes happen... they happen to single AND married couples alike! Babies are a blessing and whether an uplanned pregnancy is kept or given up for adoption, the joy a baby brings someone is wonderful.

Wishing Kimmi and you all the best during the time to follow

 

[preshi]

I wish I felt comfortable enough when I was 18 and pregnant to tell my parents. Even when I was in the hospital and going back and forth between adoption and keeping her, my Mother gave me no support. So I made a decision and I miss my little girl every day.

Thank yuo for being supportive parents. I've been in her shoes and it is an extremely difficult place to be. AN I agree with previous posters, her marrying could cause a whole other set of problems, marrying because of a baby is wrong. I'd ratehr see a happy single Mom than a miserable married one.

to you and your family

 

[missypie]

I think you've received a great deal of perspective in the answers, esp. from those who have actually been through a similar situation.

Once I was talking to a business acquaintance (who, by the way, had a successful career). She was in her mid-30s and she mentioned her sons and I thought I heard her say they were graduating from college but I thought I certainly must have mis-heard. It turns out that that when she was 14 - a 14 year old BAPTIST PREACHER'S DAUGHTER - she got pregnant and had twin boys. They all really did live happily ever after but at the time it must have absolutely seemed like the end of the word for all involved.

Oh and please make sure she has at least one nice baby shower. Don't invite the judgmental gossips; I'm sure there are plenty of women you know who would love to come to her shower. Also, send out nice birth announcements. This child is going to one day be a person who looks at her baby book and you don't want him/her to think anyone was ashamed of him/her.

 

[BHFan25]

My answer to anyone who makes judgement about a young, single mom is always the same: would you have rather her aborted the baby?

I commend a young woman for that decision. Whether she chooses to keep the baby or give it up for adoption is up to her. I would support her decision either way.

People do gossip, tc. They do all the things you said in the initial post. It doesn't matter. What matters is how YOU and YOUR DH handle this situation. Let those judgemental people learn what REAL love is from you!

Your DD, the baby, and you and your husband will all be in my prayers. I hope all goes well for her. She has a tough road but I'm sure she is tougher than it. And, from what you sound like, you are quite able to handle this situation. A baby is always a blessing. No matter what the circumstances. Sure, it could have been at a better time but for whatever reason, this baby was conceived.

Go get her a copy of "What to Expect When Your Expecting." It is a wonderful guide through pregnancy. She's still daddy's "Babygirl". One never outgrows that when one has that relationship! Best wishes to you all. And God Bless.

 

[Sleepy]

i think a single parent has a lot of guts, strength and patience to do what they do. I do not judge them, although I feel for them as I know how hard it is to raise a child alone. I only do it on a part time basis. I could not imagine doing it everyday of every year

 

[Micca]

I think "what a tough job that is", "I'm glad I never put anyone in that position", and "Hope my DDs can avoid the same fate because that's a really tough job".

 

[DukeStreetKing]

Do you feel sorry for her? Think she sleeps around? Want to support her? Look down on her? Wonder what her parents did wrong? Have compassion, pity, love?

I think to myself, "Wow, there's a strong, courageous woman. It's hard enough raising a kid with a partner, let alone by themselves."

I would enjoy speaking to that woman and finding out more about her and her life and offering her support.