Teens and Myspace question

[Mom_]

I recently found my 15 y/o DD myspace page. I came across it by accident after she used my lap top. At first I snooped and showed it to DH. We decided to say nothing and keep our eye on it. Well, something inapropriate showed up and we made it known that we disaproved. The topic that upset us was about drinking. Evidently she tried drinking at a sleepover. She took a fit and said we had no right to read her myspace. We explained our feeling about teenage drinking and she reassured us it was a one time thing. Do any other parents here have children with a myspace page and do you read it? She is an excellent student with straight A's in a private school. TIA

 

[horseshowmom]

I may be in the minority here, but I think you have a right to know what's going on with your daughter. Yes, you're invading her privacy, but it's for her own good.

When I was growing up, I knew that my parents checked up on me regularly. Yes, I was a good kid and an A student, but you know what, there were lots of things that I was tempted to do that I didn't, because I thought they might find out.

I've always told my own DD that it has nothing whatsoever to do with trusting her. It has to do with having been a teenager myself and knowing what can happen sometimes whether it was planned or not. When I gave birth to her, I took the responsibility for helping her grow up as well as I can. I know too many people who, as adults, are having to deal with problems they created for themselves when they were still too immature to make the correct decisions. Sometimes those decisions go away and don't hurt anybody - sometimes they don't.

Also, she may be trying to turn this into a "what you did" issue instead of a "what she did" issue.

Good luck and follow your own instincts.

 

[Marseeya]

DH and I monitor DS's computer activity. We told him when he started chatting that we reserved the right to monitor his chats, but I don't think he remembers, or else he thinks we can't access the logs, because he's pretty free with what he talks about. Our biggest concern with confronting him with anything we might find is that he'll start hiding things and then what would we do to get the information?

BTW, my son is bipolar and has a lot of behavior problems, so I have just cause to do whatever it takes to make sure he's safe (suicidal thoughts, drugs, alcohol, etc).

 

[Mom_]

I may be in the minority here, but I think you have a right to know what's going on with your daughter. Yes, you're invading her privacy, but it's for her own good.

When I was growing up, I knew that my parents checked up on me regularly. Yes, I was a good kid and an A student, but you know what, there were lots of things that I was tempted to do that I didn't, because I thought they might find out.

I've always told my own DD that it has nothing whatsoever to do with trusting her. It has to do with having been a teenager myself and knowing what can happen sometimes whether it was planned or not. When I gave birth to her, I took the responsibility for helping her grow up as well as I can. I know too many people who, as adults, are having to deal with problems they created for themselves when they were still too immature to make the correct decisions. Sometimes those decisions go away and don't hurt anybody - sometimes they don't.

Also, she may be trying to turn this into a "what you did" issue instead of a "what she did" issue.

Good luck and follow your own instincts.

Those are my feelings also. I want to keep reading it because I am now worried! She has told all her friends and they have switched their myspace pages to private. It really does make me feel like a snoop. Plus I feel hurt that she talked about me to her friends. Did she *warn* them about me? All of this hurts and leaves me wondering if I am really doing the right thing. Thank you for the vote of support. I am really am torn.

 

[Christine]

Those are my feelings also. I want to keep reading it because I am now worried! She has told all her friends and they have switched their myspace pages to private. It really does make me feel like a snoop. Plus I feel hurt that she talked about me to her friends. Did she *warn* them about me? All of this hurts and leaves me wondering if I am really doing the right thing. Thank you for the vote of support. I am really am torn.

Well, first of all, it is not *unusual* for a 15 year old to experiment with trying alcohol. The difference is that OUR parents never would have known about it because we weren't stupid enough to post our dirty deeds to the world!! Kids these days, I tell ya!

Anyway, I have snooped on my DD's myspace account and asked her things. She was not happy, but she still has not made it "private" but she has toned it down. I told her that it was MY computer and she had the priviledge of using it. As far as I'm concerned, if she is going to sneak and make it private, then she's not using MY computer. When she's independent enough to buy her own computer and pay for the internet access, she can be as "private" as she wants. So far, this has worked for me. It's up to you how much you want to push this issue.

If my DD is going to feel the need to "experiment" then she needs to learn how to handle it responsibly, not shout it out to billions of people, and keep it to herself and learn some discretion.

 

[CathrynRose]

Yes, you're invading her privacy.
.

Is not private though. Its a public blog - how come anyone else on the internet can read what she decides to write, but not her parents?

I have a HUGE issue with MySpace.... I dont think it's appropriate at all.

 

[Alice's Mom]

I think you have to look at myspace as a modern day diary of sorts, if you read it and tell your teen her privacy was invaded she will resent you. I would come up with alternate reasons to talk about the subjects you are concerned about without using her myspace as evidence, like articles in the paper or friend of a friend.

Just like a diary she'll start writing in code and you'll never know whats going on, which is exactly what happened when they turned their pages and blogs private.

 

[laura001]

You are absolutely right to do what you did, invading her privacy or not, too bad, she is too young for you to just turn a blind eye to what she is doing. My kids leave their msn on and I jump onto it, click tools and options, messages and have a copy of their messages sent to a file of mine. My daughter is 14, I read them about once a week, if the conversation is normal banter I just delete it, I don't need to know everything. I have yet to find anything inappropriate from her, but I will continue being nosy.

I used to do this with my son who is now almost 18, I stopped only a few months ago. One time about a year ago it came in handy: short story....my DH and I had been away, DS had a party and I could tell as soon as I came home. We asked him about it, he said that he only had a couple friends in, no party. (there were too many things out of place for me not to know). Anyway, I checked his message log, sure enough, all the conversations about the pre party preparations etc were there. I was proud of the fact that he insisted to everyone that there was to be absolutely NO alcohol or cigarettes etc., that if they did they would have to leave. (he said that his Mom would figure it out for sure if they had any in the house..lol) Anyway, after that were messages about the fact that we had asked him about the party and that he had denied it. In one conversation my DS went on about how bad he was feeling because he had lied , his friend said don't worry about it just keep denying it. Then my son typed back that the only responsible thing to do was to come clean and then he wouldn't have to carry around the burden of lying (well........I almost fell over reading this, it is something that I am proud of in him even though he doesn't know that I knew what he typed). He did come clean and was punished for doing what he did, but I am still proud of the fact that he went through that process. The other thing that always made me proud when I read through his messages was the fact that he didn't swear or use vulgar language when speaking to his buddies even though they often did. I always made sure that somehow I snuck into my conversations with him how I was proud of him for speaking so nicely etc.

I don't think that I ever took away their privacy, I used it as a tool to try to stay two steps ahead of them. I would use almost any tool that I could to try to make sure that I know what they are doing and I would never feel bad about doing that. Of course you have to draw a line somewhere, kids will be kids, and you also have to let them grow up.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

My 14 DD has myspace. I also read it and have found some information that wasn't pleasent. I've found out that some kids who I thought were nice are now sneaking out, drinking. Most of my DD profile page wasn't that bad.
I read she did steal a piece of candy, and that she usually gets along with us.

 

[Alice's Mom]

Is not private though. Its a public blog - how come anyone else on the internet can read what she decides to write, but not her parents?

I have a HUGE issue with MySpace.... I dont think it's appropriate at all.

Correct it is public, but you never think that your parents will go on and read what you post...

 

[Christine]

Correct it is public, but you never think that your parents will go on and read what you post...

Tsk, tsk...so naive. That's like leaving an unlocked diary laying on the kitchen table. Too hard to resist!

 

[Alice's Mom]

Tsk, tsk...so naive. That's like leaving an unlocked diary laying on the kitchen table. Too hard to resist!

Oh, I won't argue that, I agree it is very naive, I think kids forget that their parents are internet savvy too.

 

[tubachick]

thats what I was thinking.... It a public domain and anyone could have done a search or stumbled upon it and read it... just not mom and dad??

 

[azgal81]

I also have a problem with teens and myspace I see all the personal information they post on there because they think it's private and really anyone in the world can read it and you don't want that to get into the wrong hands. I do have a myspace but I'm in my 20s so I don't put anything incriminating on it. I don't think you should bring up using her myspace to snoop on her you could just bring up some random thing like dr. phil just did an episode on teenage drinking and I was wondering if you have tried it. I think it's a big privacy thing if she can't trust you then how can you talk about issues such as this when they arise. Teenage drinking is not uncommon I drank well before I was 15, everyone in my school did or at least it seemed that way. I think the thing that would scare me more is in a couple of years the possiblity of her being at a party and maybe drinking and her friends drinking and then one of them getting the smart idea that they can still drive and her not calling you to come pick her up because she's scared about how you are going to react to her drinking.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

i think myspace is bad

 

[CathrynRose]

Correct it is public, but you never think that your parents will go on and read what you post...

But you would think some whack-job axe murderer could?

As far as Im concerned - if it's public, it's just-that: Public.

 

[beattyfamily]

I'm totally against websites like myspace.com.

I think she used YOUR laptop and she's posting to a public website so I don't see how it can be an invasion of your DD's privacy at all.

Good luck and best wishes with your DD.

 

[WeirdEyes]

I monitor my 17 y/o myspace page. He knows it and I told him to never post anything on the internet that he didn't want me to see. One of his friends posted a message to his (DS's) page that was inappropriate. I told him to take it off and he did. My DS talks to me daily about everything going on in his life. He didn't feel I was invading his privacy by reading his myspace page.

 

[Bashful2]

My girls, 16 and 17, use MySpace to keep up with friends they don't get to see often. Sure, there some inappropriate things posted by some people. And, yes, I think young teens should be monitored when they are using the internet. I don't think that makes MySpace bad, though.

My DDs and I keep a very open relationship. They don't care if I see their profiles or what they are writing. In fact, they often call me over to look at something. We share 2 computers (both in the same room) between the 4 of us. Occasionally, there is something private they don't want me to see, though, and I respect that. We worked very hard over the last couple of years to build up the trust we all have for each other. It wasn't easy. With DD16's bipolar and DD17's problems prior to and when she first came to live with us, we went through a lot of ups and downs. During the bad times, I did snoop, but it was mainly because I was afraid for their safety. It's great that everything is so much better now. It's so much easier on everyone.

 

[mckryan]

I monitor my 17 y/o myspace page. He knows it and I told him to never post anything on the internet that he didn't want me to see. One of his friends posted a message to his (DS's) page that was inappropriate. I told him to take it off and he did. My DS talks to me daily about everything going on in his life. He didn't feel I was invading his privacy by reading his myspace page.

I am the same way with my daughter, and she's the same way with me. And her friends know I read it, too, and I log in with her account. So I can read her messages, too, that don't show up on her page. My daughter even calls me in to read some of her AOL IMs with her friends, and I'll hop on and type to them.