Teenagers!

[battymum]

OK, I'll start since we've all been hijacking tapdancers thread.

My DD drives me

She is 17 and I certainly have a lot of things I am grateful for - she does well at school, she is a girl guide, plays netball, works part time at Woolworths - and has saved a good deal of money towards her first car.

I have no worries about her drinking, smoking or boys, she dresses appropriately - Actually most people love her - and when I see her at work being all nice and friendly I wonder what she has done with my daughter!

But living with her - the attitude just drives me insane - she can be incrediby rude to me and her dad, and brothers. We all have to assess her mood before opening our mouths and if it is not a good one - well, look out.
She complains about every meal we make, if we are too noisy in the house, if her brothers have friends over, they are not allowed inside.

She just says "we are all so annoying"

I am worried she will ruin our trip - with her moods, She is old enough to do her own thing - if she wishes.

I know every family has their moments, but sometimes I just want to be that family in the margerine commercials, that all love each other and never fight! (even for just one day! )

 

[battymum]

Just got a text message from her bedroom

"wanna do a dying girl a favour?"

I havent replied.

 

[tapdancer]

I truly didn't like my now 17 year old as a 14 and 15 year old. I can remember stripping everything out of her room except her bed due to her attitude. She had to earn back her things 1 at a time. I also stopped the car one day and made her get out and walk home.

Getting a part time job has been the best thing for her, the old attitude rears its head occasionally but touch wood, she has turned the corner. DD is paying for her flights for our next trip and her spending money, it saves us heaps. It will probably be the last family holiday for us all though

 

[Travel Mum]

Oh Battymum, what I have to look forward to. NOT! However at least your DD is nice to everyone else, is doing well in school and is not a worry re drugs/alcohol etc. In fact, she sounds lovely but it really stinks that she treats you and the rest of the family like that. My DD14 is going that way at home and can sometimes certainly be so horrible and nasty to her to her little sisters that it makes me furious. One thing that upsets me is that she says she is embarrased by them. For example, if we are out as a family, often she will deliberately walk a few steps behind us so as to not be seen with us/her sisters. Then at other times, she can be very nice to them, mostly to DD11 when she wants DD11's help with taking photos to post on FB etc. I feel sorry for DD11 and DD7 as that just confuses them when she is nice to them! It must be particularly confusing for DD7 as our eldest adored (and way favoured her over our middle daughter which, in turn, caused other issues) our youngest right up until she turned 5. She really babied her and thought she was cute etc but, almost overnight, she started seeing her as a nuisance. DD7 sometimes remembers back to the time "when ... always used to be nice to me " That makes me sad.

 

[miss.potatohead]

As a 20 year old with two teenage sisters, all I can do is laugh. Because she sounds 100% like me/us!

I coach a number of nball teams and all the parents love me (ha!) and praise my parents for raising me so well but I will admit that I can be the biggest cow towards my parents. Nothing they have done wrong, I sometimes need to take all my teen angst out on someone and it happens to be them!

Whenever I complain about something in the house - ie dinner, clothes not ironed, something missing, annoying sisters/mum/dad, not being allowed to go somewhere my parents will simply tell me that I have enough money to leave and go live in my own house if I don't want to put up with it - and then it hits me that I'm pretty lucky. Mum even stopped washing/ironing/making my bed/cooking my food/driving me places etc for a few days during one particularly bad fight. Makes me appreciate everything they do for me.


If you're worried about her on your trip, you need to sit down with her (when she's in a good mood!) and tell her how you think. Set some rules. It could possibly be your last family trip therefore it needs to be special. Even if something might 'annoy' her, it's a family trip and there may also be some things that she wants to do that may 'annoy' others. Depending on how comfortable you are, maybe she can have some 'alone time' in the parks or wherever you go for her to do her own thing. If she doesn't want to agree to the rules, then she can stay home!

Is she the oldest? I find it difficult to try and be independent whilst also living at home with two younger siblings. I want to be an adult but I'm also a teenager too. Independence is great but family time is also special and the needs of everyone needs to be considered and respected.

Goodluck, hopefully it gets easier!

 

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

OK, I'll start since we've all been hijacking tapdancers thread.

My DD drives me

She is 17 and I certainly have a lot of things I am grateful for - she does well at school, she is a girl guide, plays netball, works part time at Woolworths - and has saved a good deal of money towards her first car.

I have no worries about her drinking, smoking or boys, she dresses appropriately - Actually most people love her - and when I see her at work being all nice and friendly I wonder what she has done with my daughter!

But living with her - the attitude just drives me insane - she can be incrediby rude to me and her dad, and brothers. We all have to assess her mood before opening our mouths and if it is not a good one - well, look out.
She complains about every meal we make, if we are too noisy in the house, if her brothers have friends over, they are not allowed inside.

She just says "we are all so annoying"

I am worried she will ruin our trip - with her moods, She is old enough to do her own thing - if she wishes.

I know every family has their moments, but sometimes I just want to be that family in the margerine commercials, that all love each other and never fight! (even for just one day! )

Well firstly, lets focus on the positives. It is a good sign of the person she will eventually be that she knows how to behave in public, has a good work ethic, studies hard and is nice to people.

That surely means once she gets over the next few years of hating her family she will come full circle and be lovely to you guys too .

The attitude thing is just so heartbreaking don't you think. As parents our whole lives are focused on doing everything for our kids, giving them every opportunity, teaching them, guiding them and to be repaid in this way is just an awful part of the process.

Just keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Your quote of "you are all so annoying" is starting to be a familiar phrase in our house too.

Just got a text message from her bedroom

"wanna do a dying girl a favour?"

I havent replied.

I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose when I read this. I love the drama of it all.

I truly didn't like my now 17 year old as a 14 and 15 year old. I can remember stripping everything out of her room except her bed due to her attitude. She had to earn back her things 1 at a time. I also stopped the car one day and made her get out and walk home.

Getting a part time job has been the best thing for her, the old attitude rears its head occasionally but touch wood, she has turned the corner. DD is paying for her flights for our next trip and her spending money, it saves us heaps. It will probably be the last family holiday for us all though

This is such a hope filled post Tapdancer. Bugger about 14 & 15 but yay for 17. I love the stripping her room and her having to earn things back. Good call.

Sounds like the job was a great thing and I love to hear about a girl being a good saver for the important things like travel .

Oh Battymum, what I have to look forward to. NOT! However at least your DD is nice to everyone else, is doing well in school and is not a worry re drugs/alcohol etc. In fact, she sounds lovely but it really stinks that she treats you and the rest of the family like that. My DD14 is going that way at home and can sometimes certainly be so horrible and nasty to her to her little sisters that it makes me furious. One thing that upsets me is that she says she is embarrased by them. For example, if we are out as a family, often she will deliberately walk a few steps behind us so as to not be seen with us/her sisters. Then at other times, she can be very nice to them, mostly to DD11 when she wants DD11's help with taking photos to post on FB etc. I feel sorry for DD11 and DD7 as that just confuses them when she is nice to them! It must be particularly confusing for DD7 as our eldest adored (and way favoured her over our middle daughter which, in turn, caused other issues) our youngest right up until she turned 5. She really babied her and thought she was cute etc but, almost overnight, she started seeing her as a nuisance. DD7 sometimes remembers back to the time "when ... always used to be nice to me " That makes me sad.

That must be truly confusing for the younger girls. For her to have changed so quickly towards them must be hard to watch and hard for them to deal with. It seems to me that 14 is the beginning of the tough years.

 

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

Okay my turn - My DD is 14 and I truly can't complain YET!!!!

She is a wonderful student and friend, pretty much self manages her chores and homework, dresses fairly appropriately (we only have the occasional battle), isn't moody (yet) and generally is a great girl. She only gives us mild attitude and truly we can't complain (yet). Do you like the way I keep saying yet haha.

Now with that said - I'm starting to see some small cracks appearing and it's making me incredibly nervous. Much of this is stuff I'm seeing with her friends. She has a great group of friends, really lovely girlies with nice families. However my DH and I would likely be considered one of the strictest parents of the group. We aren't locking her up in a cage but we certainly are very selective about what she does and does not get to do. This is where the cracks are showing. Many of the other girls are being permitted to do things we aren't quite comfortable with in terms of supervision and venue and company.

Most of the girls are now trying to push the envelope in terms of wanting boyfriends and by boyfriends I mean the term pretty loosely, seeing each other on the school busy, outside their respective schools. They are catholic high schools, single sex but across the road from each other. Lots of texting and Facebook messenging, that type of thing and perhaps the occasional movies in groups.

A girl that my daughter is friends with recently went to a co-ed party and came home to tell the mother that there was alcohol there, girls kissing to impress the boys and spin the bottle. Now at 14 I would expect spin the bottle, perhaps some kissing although I wouldn't have thought "to impress others" kissing and I definitely wouldn't have thought alcohol. This really floored me. I can't believe this is where things are up to.

When I discussed this and other things with my daughter who hasn't been to a mixed party before, she said she knew of some girls in her year level that had been having sex. We managed to have a great discussion about it and the fact that one particular girl was then humiliated when the boy of course told everyone and then they broke up really helped with the message I was trying to get across.

I'm fairly confident that DD's group aren't up to this stage as yet and the opportunities don't appear to be there for them to have much alone time with anyone, plus I don't think their head space is quite up to there yet either but I'm not going to kid myself either.

For now she tells me a fair bit, I don't think she tells me everything by any means and that's okay, she's a teenager she's not supposed to but I think at the moment I still have her ear so that's a blessing.

I have just seen a real shift in all the girls with absolutely obscene amounts of texting and Fbing, wow it's crazy. My DD isn't too bad at home but when she is with her friends it is off the chart.

I have been trying to have the kids over to my house rather than at other people's houses. Because I work for myself I am able to do alot of the running the girls around to movies, things like that and I like it that way. I want to be the go to mum and I want them to want to come to my house. I love to cook and entertain so I always make sure to put on a spread when the kids are here to keep em coming back. I would much rather than all here with me in the background then at the shops or at someone's house where a parent isn't home.

I'm not sure if this will be enough but I'm really trying to stay in amongst the conversations as much as possible and hopefully we can wade through these next few years with only minor injuries .

Anyway for those going through this or who have been through it I have some questions:-

1. How do you cope with "but such and such is allowed to do it" and I don't mean with the old standard which I use daily "well that is their rules and these are our rules" or my old favourite "I'm not their mother, I'm yours".

2. Boys, when did it start, how did you manage the interest, first "boyfriends" etc.

3. How old were your girls when you started giving them some more freedom?

4. Do you now have a drinking problem from all the stress ?


Thanks for listening, I've written a novel

 

[tapdancer]

We've been battling this over the last few years. DD has been invited to such a lot of 18th birthday parties even as a 15 and 16 year old. My DH is very strict and said she is allowed to go to the parties but there is to be no drinking. If she is caught drinking that is the end of the parties. My DH can be pretty scary and I'm sure the message has gotten through, she has a lovely bunch of friends but I feel a lot of them have a lot more freedom than we allow.

One of DD's friends is a year younger than her but is often allowed to go to licensed music festivals camping and heading up the coast overnight (as a 14 year old) with and 18yo P Plater and a 16yo - we said NO WAY.

My DD is very sensible and now as a 17 year old if she was to introduce us to a boyfriend we would be more than happy. Sleeping overnight at our house would be another issue though LOL

 

[Ms. Shuttergirl]

As a 20 year old with two teenage sisters, all I can do is laugh. Because she sounds 100% like me/us!

I coach a number of nball teams and all the parents love me (ha!) and praise my parents for raising me so well but I will admit that I can be the biggest cow towards my parents. Nothing they have done wrong, I sometimes need to take all my teen angst out on someone and it happens to be them!

Whenever I complain about something in the house - ie dinner, clothes not ironed, something missing, annoying sisters/mum/dad, not being allowed to go somewhere my parents will simply tell me that I have enough money to leave and go live in my own house if I don't want to put up with it - and then it hits me that I'm pretty lucky. Mum even stopped washing/ironing/making my bed/cooking my food/driving me places etc for a few days during one particularly bad fight. Makes me appreciate everything they do for me.


If you're worried about her on your trip, you need to sit down with her (when she's in a good mood!) and tell her how you think. Set some rules. It could possibly be your last family trip therefore it needs to be special. Even if something might 'annoy' her, it's a family trip and there may also be some things that she wants to do that may 'annoy' others. Depending on how comfortable you are, maybe she can have some 'alone time' in the parks or wherever you go for her to do her own thing. If she doesn't want to agree to the rules, then she can stay home!

Is she the oldest? I find it difficult to try and be independent whilst also living at home with two younger siblings. I want to be an adult but I'm also a teenager too. Independence is great but family time is also special and the needs of everyone needs to be considered and respected.

Goodluck, hopefully it gets easier!

Miss Potatohead, this is awesome information. You may now become our secret weapon on this journey . I love love love that you know you can be a cow at times but that you also appreciate how wonderful your family is. This is a great perspective for us parents and shows an enormous amount of self awareness and maturity on your part. I'm very impressed.

I think that is great advice for Battymum. It is really worrisome if you think someone in the family could potential "spoil" parts of the trip with moods. For me that would be my DH and DS but that's a whole other thread .

We've been battling this over the last few years. DD has been invited to such a lot of 18th birthday parties even as a 15 and 16 year old. My DH is very strict and said she is allowed to go to the parties but there is to be no drinking. If she is caught drinking that is the end of the parties. My DH can be pretty scary and I'm sure the message has gotten through, she has a lovely bunch of friends but I feel a lot of them have a lot more freedom than we allow.

One of DD's friends is a year younger than her but is often allowed to go to licensed music festivals camping and heading up the coast overnight (as a 14 year old) with and 18yo P Plater and a 16yo - we said NO WAY.

My DD is very sensible and now as a 17 year old if she was to introduce us to a boyfriend we would be more than happy. Sleeping overnight at our house would be another issue though LOL

This is exactly what I am talking about. What are those parents thinking letting their 14 year old do these things. It boggles the mind. How can that sort of relaxed parenting end well. It actually frightens me but to each their own I guess.

It is good that your daughter is allowed to go to these parties, but with boundaries in place. I guess at that point it is up to her to choose the right path. Sounds like so far so good.

 

[Mum from oz]

OK, I'll start since we've all been hijacking tapdancers thread.

My DD drives me

She is 17 and I certainly have a lot of things I am grateful for - she does well at school, she is a girl guide, plays netball, works part time at Woolworths - and has saved a good deal of money towards her first car.

I have no worries about her drinking, smoking or boys, she dresses appropriately - Actually most people love her - and when I see her at work being all nice and friendly I wonder what she has done with my daughter!

But living with her - the attitude just drives me insane - she can be incrediby rude to me and her dad, and brothers. We all have to assess her mood before opening our mouths and if it is not a good one - well, look out.
She complains about every meal we make, if we are too noisy in the house, if her brothers have friends over, they are not allowed inside.

She just says "we are all so annoying"

I am worried she will ruin our trip - with her moods, She is old enough to do her own thing - if she wishes.

I know every family has their moments, but sometimes I just want to be that family in the margerine commercials, that all love each other and never fight! (even for just one day! )

She sounds a lot like my younger sister was at that age. Perfect manners in public, great student and had a Thursday night and weekend supervisor position at the local discount store. Everyone thought she was an angel. But at home she was so rude to mum. It was just the two of them there and she used to take out everything on her. My mums way of dealing with it was just to grin and bear it as she knew it would eventually pass.

I was a hell of a lot worse. My sister never drank, smoked, did drugs. I was wild child, sneaking out and drinking every weekend. Told my mum I smoked at 15 and she'd just have to deal with it. I look back on it all now and am horrified to say the least. This all improved when I told her I was moving out when I was 17. Only 10 short years ago.

Mum says the worst years for both of us with attitude and otherwise were from 14 - 17. Hopefully you will be out of the woods soon. As for your trip I would wait until she was in a "good" mood and talk to her. If you sit down and speak to her like an adult about it she might respond like one. If she's in a bad mood I wouldn't even bother, it will make things worse.

Just got a text message from her bedroom

"wanna do a dying girl a favour?"

I havent replied.

I truly didn't like my now 17 year old as a 14 and 15 year old. I can remember stripping everything out of her room except her bed due to her attitude. She had to earn back her things 1 at a time. I also stopped the car one day and made her get out and walk home.

Getting a part time job has been the best thing for her, the old attitude rears its head occasionally but touch wood, she has turned the corner. DD is paying for her flights for our next trip and her spending money, it saves us heaps. It will probably be the last family holiday for us all though

These are brilliant ideas! I must squirrel them away for 10 years into the future!

Oh Battymum, what I have to look forward to. NOT! However at least your DD is nice to everyone else, is doing well in school and is not a worry re drugs/alcohol etc. In fact, she sounds lovely but it really stinks that she treats you and the rest of the family like that. My DD14 is going that way at home and can sometimes certainly be so horrible and nasty to her to her little sisters that it makes me furious. One thing that upsets me is that she says she is embarrased by them. For example, if we are out as a family, often she will deliberately walk a few steps behind us so as to not be seen with us/her sisters. Then at other times, she can be very nice to them, mostly to DD11 when she wants DD11's help with taking photos to post on FB etc. I feel sorry for DD11 and DD7 as that just confuses them when she is nice to them! It must be particularly confusing for DD7 as our eldest adored (and way favoured her over our middle daughter which, in turn, caused other issues) our youngest right up until she turned 5. She really babied her and thought she was cute etc but, almost overnight, she started seeing her as a nuisance. DD7 sometimes remembers back to the time "when ... always used to be nice to me " That makes me sad.

Poor girls, I was horrible to my sister but deep down we knew we both loved each other. At least the younger two have each other as allies for now.

As a 20 year old with two teenage sisters, all I can do is laugh. Because she sounds 100% like me/us!

I coach a number of nball teams and all the parents love me (ha!) and praise my parents for raising me so well but I will admit that I can be the biggest cow towards my parents. Nothing they have done wrong, I sometimes need to take all my teen angst out on someone and it happens to be them!

Whenever I complain about something in the house - ie dinner, clothes not ironed, something missing, annoying sisters/mum/dad, not being allowed to go somewhere my parents will simply tell me that I have enough money to leave and go live in my own house if I don't want to put up with it - and then it hits me that I'm pretty lucky. Mum even stopped washing/ironing/making my bed/cooking my food/driving me places etc for a few days during one particularly bad fight. Makes me appreciate everything they do for me.

If you're worried about her on your trip, you need to sit down with her (when she's in a good mood!) and tell her how you think. Set some rules. It could possibly be your last family trip therefore it needs to be special. Even if something might 'annoy' her, it's a family trip and there may also be some things that she wants to do that may 'annoy' others. Depending on how comfortable you are, maybe she can have some 'alone time' in the parks or wherever you go for her to do her own thing. If she doesn't want to agree to the rules, then she can stay home!

Is she the oldest? I find it difficult to try and be independent whilst also living at home with two younger siblings. I want to be an adult but I'm also a teenager too. Independence is great but family time is also special and the needs of everyone needs to be considered and respected.

Goodluck, hopefully it gets easier!

Good advice from someone in the know!

Okay my turn - My DD is 14 and I truly can't complain YET!!!!

She is a wonderful student and friend, pretty much self manages her chores and homework, dresses fairly appropriately (we only have the occasional battle), isn't moody (yet) and generally is a great girl. She only gives us mild attitude and truly we can't complain (yet). Do you like the way I keep saying yet haha.

Now with that said - I'm starting to see some small cracks appearing and it's making me incredibly nervous. Much of this is stuff I'm seeing with her friends. She has a great group of friends, really lovely girlies with nice families. However my DH and I would likely be considered one of the strictest parents of the group. We aren't locking her up in a cage but we certainly are very selective about what she does and does not get to do. This is where the cracks are showing. Many of the other girls are being permitted to do things we aren't quite comfortable with in terms of supervision and venue and company.

Most of the girls are now trying to push the envelope in terms of wanting boyfriends and by boyfriends I mean the term pretty loosely, seeing each other on the school busy, outside their respective schools. They are catholic high schools, single sex but across the road from each other. Lots of texting and Facebook messenging, that type of thing and perhaps the occasional movies in groups.

A girl that my daughter is friends with recently went to a co-ed party and came home to tell the mother that there was alcohol there, girls kissing to impress the boys and spin the bottle. Now at 14 I would expect spin the bottle, perhaps some kissing although I wouldn't have thought not "to impress others" kissing and I definitely wouldn't have thought alcohol. This really floored me. I can't believe this is where things are up to.

When I discussed this and other things with my daughter who hasn't been to a mixed party before, she said she knew of some girls in her year level that had been having sex. We managed to have a great discussion about it and the fact that one particular girl was then humiliated when the boy of course told everyone and then they broke up really helped with the message I was trying to get across.

I'm fairly confident that DD's group aren't up to this stage as yet and the opportunities don't appear to be there for them to have much alone time with anyone, plus I don't think their head space is quite up to there yet either but I'm not going to kid myself either.

For now she tells me a fair bit, I don't think she tells me everything by any means and that's okay, she's a teenager she's not supposed to but I think at the moment I still have her ear so that's a blessing.

I have just seen a real shift in all the girls with absolutely obscene amounts of texting and Fbing, wow it's crazy. My DD isn't too bad at home but when she is with her friends it is off the chart.

I have been trying to have the kids over to my house rather than at other people's houses. Because I work for myself I am able to do alot of the running the girls around to movies, things like that and I like it that way. I want to be to go to mum and I want them to want to come to my house. I love to cook and entertain so I always make sure to put on a spread when the kids are here to keep em coming back. I would much rather than all here with me in the background then at the shops or at someone's house where a parent isn't home.

I'm not sure if this will be enough but I'm really trying to stay in amongst the conversations as much as possible and hopefully we can wade through these next few years with only minor injuries .

Anyway for those going through this or who have been through it I have some questions:-

1. How do you cope with "but such and such is allowed to do it" and I don't mean with the old standard which I use daily "well that is their rules and these are our rules" or my old favourite "I'm not their mother, I'm yours".

2. Boys, when did it start, how did you manage the interest, first "boyfriends" etc.

3. How old were your girls when you started giving them some more freedom?

4. Do you now have a drinking problem ?


Thanks for listening, I've written a novel

1. This is a hard one because it is really unavoidable. I guess depending on what it is she wants to do, allow her some freedom with conditions and if she can prove her trustworthiness and follow the rules then allow more bit by bit. Also it is leverage to say that you aren't always saying no to everything. If the situation is a dangerous one then flat out say no and explain why.
2. She may very well hide her first boyfriends, I know I and a lot of my friends, especially those with strict parents did. I think I was 16 when I started talking about different boys I was seeing with my mum. I'd let her know that you are open to discuss ANYTHING with. It doesn't mean you have to agree but it leaves those channels open. This works well because teens don't want to be told what to do. Adults sharing a conversation and advice might mean a hell of a lot more to her.
3. I think 15 to an extent in a decent age of responsibility for a teen, depends on the individual but your DD sounds mature and responsible. At 15 I was catching the train to the beach for the day and even flying to the Gold Coast to spend time with family.
4. No drinking problem yet but ask me in 15 years....
I think you are doing a good job, I want to do what you are doing when my kids are teens, being the taxi and letting the kids drop in here and hang out. I'd rather that than even imagining what they were doing away from home. (especially when I think back to the sorts of things my friends and I were up to)

We've been battling this over the last few years. DD has been invited to such a lot of 18th birthday parties even as a 15 and 16 year old. My DH is very strict and said she is allowed to go to the parties but there is to be no drinking. If she is caught drinking that is the end of the parties. My DH can be pretty scary and I'm sure the message has gotten through, she has a lovely bunch of friends but I feel a lot of them have a lot more freedom than we allow.

One of DD's friends is a year younger than her but is often allowed to go to licensed music festivals camping and heading up the coast overnight (as a 14 year old) with and 18yo P Plater and a 16yo - we said NO WAY.

My DD is very sensible and now as a 17 year old if she was to introduce us to a boyfriend we would be more than happy. Sleeping overnight at our house would be another issue though LOL

Sounds like you're doing a good job.

 

[tapdancer]

I really feel for single parents with teens, I think what we are doing is working because there are two of us parenting I would find it very difficult if I was doing it on my own.

I've also been lucky that I only work school terms so have all the school holidays off to be home with my children. My son (14) has friends that are often dropped off at a skate park at 8am and picked up at 5pm there is no way I would allow this

 

[mindy32]

I think we might be going to face this with my 11 year old sister quite soon, honestly she's already being quite rude and demanding! Unfortunately her mother (my stepmother) passed away earlier this year so it's made her grow up a little too quickly.

On another note, it's only 6 years since I was a teenager and I remember what I was like. I was a great student, everyone used to say I was an 'angel' child (even mum does now haha), I've never smoked, rarely drank, etc etc. But I was a ***** to my mum at times, and I knew it. I took my frustrations out on her and overreacted to everything but the reason I did is because I knew of anyone in the world my mum would always love me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I knew she was the only person I could take out my anger on who would still be there. Looking back I wish I'd dealt with things better, but that's the benefit of hindsight talking. I always appreciated everything my mother did for me.

I'm sure your DD's are like I was, knowing you'll always be there. What worked with me was seeing mum upset/feeling sad/rejected etc, as opposed to her being angry. It made me feel guilty and regret those moments.

 

[Jedana]

I could have written that post a few years ago.

It will get better. I promise.

I have 2 grown DDs (23 and 19) and the 2nd best day in my life (related to DD2) was the day she moved out. (The best related to them was when they were born..) Don't get me wrong, I love them both---but teenage girls are absolutely horrible.

Stay strong mama!

 

[Jedana]

Okay my turn - My DD is 14 and I truly can't complain YET!!!!


1. How do you cope with "but such and such is allowed to do it" and I don't mean with the old standard which I use daily "well that is their rules and these are our rules" or my old favourite "I'm not their mother, I'm yours".

2. Boys, when did it start, how did you manage the interest, first "boyfriends" etc.

3. How old were your girls when you started giving them some more freedom?

4. Do you now have a drinking problem from all the stress ?


Thanks for listening, I've written a novel

1. my response "go live with so and so then". DD1 did so, moved in with her other parent and grandmother because Gma would buy her a car and a horse and her other parent is pretty useless as a parent. She was a teenager, and I would rather she had chosen to stay at my home, but I didn't fight the issue--being a teen means making some life choices and this was one of hers. Yes, it was more permissive there, and she ended up getting pregnant at 15 due to the lack of structure. (Also, it was in our divorce decree that she could choose to live with the other parent and I would not fight the change---that nasty lawyer his mother paid for snuck that in, and I didn't think it would come back to bite me in the butt)...
DD2 (different dad for her and DS) tried it a couple of times, told her the same thing. she always came back within a few days, realizing just how well our house was taken care of/food was prepared/freedom was better/etc.

2. No being alone in bedrooms (why tempt fate), group dating only until 15 (obviously these are for DD2, as DD1 moved when she was 13). Need to let me know when and where they will be, in case of emergency. Always have a cell phone and change for a payphone (yes there are still some around!). We're always available to come pick them up no matter what else is going on.
BTW, the whole bedroom alone thing was DH's rule. I know (and he should too) that sex doesn't just happen in a bedroom when you're a teen--cars, under the school bleachers, school bathrooms, pretty much anywhere it can happen, it will.

3. Curfew was 10pm from 13-15; 15-16 11pm; 16-17 midnight; after 17 2am--however, if she was with an adult or at the movies, she could let us know when she would be home and we would let her be late. Curfew was mostly if she was just hanging out with her friends and no plans to do anything.

DD2 could walk/take the bus places at 13 with friends; stayed at home by herself for a weekend at 16 (she had a friend come over); and at 17, just needed to let us know who she would be with (in case of emergency) and had to make sure we knew their cell numbers as well.

I had a master list of her friends and their parents (they had the same) and I only had to use it once--she didn't tell me what their plans were, and I was a bit worried--well, more annoyed than anything. I called everyone on the list (including parents)--leaving the person she was with for last. It was the last time she didn't let me know she was running late or staying longer or changing what their plans were....embarrasing for a 16 year old to have mommy calling around at 11pm....

4. there is no drinking problem. I drink, I fall down, no problem. No, but there were days I really really wanted a Xanax for both of us....

 

[battymum]

I think we might be going to face this with my 11 year old sister quite soon, honestly she's already being quite rude and demanding! Unfortunately her mother (my stepmother) passed away earlier this year so it's made her grow up a little too quickly.

On another note, it's only 6 years since I was a teenager and I remember what I was like. I was a great student, everyone used to say I was an 'angel' child (even mum does now haha), I've never smoked, rarely drank, etc etc. But I was a ***** to my mum at times, and I knew it. I took my frustrations out on her and overreacted to everything but the reason I did is because I knew of anyone in the world my mum would always love me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I knew she was the only person I could take out my anger on who would still be there. Looking back I wish I'd dealt with things better, but that's the benefit of hindsight talking. I always appreciated everything my mother did for me.

I'm sure your DD's are like I was, knowing you'll always be there. What worked with me was seeing mum upset/feeling sad/rejected etc, as opposed to her being angry. It made me feel guilty and regret those moments.

Yes, I am pretty sure she is fairly "normal" and just takes it out on me - because, she knows I will "take it" - it does upset me a bit after a while though.

Like your mother, MumfromOz, I usually just grimace and move on - cause it will pass.

We have had the talk about the holiday, I had already offered her cash instead of coming if she doesnt want to - but she wants to come - -we will have to have some space - I am comfortable with splitting up for a bit - it does get tedious touring around like a chain gang - if she wants to stay in the room for a day - I dont care.

As far as freedom goes, I guess I have been pretty lucky in that she hasnt really asked to do anything unreasonable - I have never had to fight her on this. From about 15 - she can go most places, in daylight hours. I do believe there is only a couple of years for just "being a teenager"

She hates just hanging out at the shopping centre, and none of her circle seem to have parties, she goes to Catholic school in another suburb, so her friends are not local to the neighbourhood - so they dont just hang around. She has also had this parttime job since she was 15, so that has taken up a lot of her spare time. She did have a best friend whose parents were quite strict - and I would always defer back to "if she can go, you can" or "is xxxx going?" - But she did go into the city or the beach in school holidays at that age. I deliberately sent her to co-ed school, as I think its important to have "friends" of both sexes.

Which brings me back to my boys who are almost 15 and they asked to go into the city last weekend - I was not comfortable - but they wanted to go to a particular comic book store and see a movie - there were 6 of them going, all very excited - so we uncomfortably agreed.

Until I saw the news that night of the riots that were in Sydney that Saturday - , the thought of my blonde, blue eyed boys on the train scared me and I had to renege - they were most upset, but got over it.

My theory is that you pretty much know your kids - if they want to drink, smoke, sex, - they will find a way - even kids with strict parents find a way.

Actually, has anyone been watching Puberty Blues? OMG I said to DH last night that show is every parents worst nightmare, and how lucky are we that our girl is not like that. Reminds me a lot of my childhood - except I was the annoying little dobbing sister - I think our girls are a little stronger than that, and hopefully wouldnt put up with that sort of crap from boys.

 

[battymum]

Also, as a mother of 15 (almost) year old boys - having a boyfriend is not all bad - my boys and their friends are all such innocent nerds. I am sure some are more mature at this age - but I havent seen it, in their circle of friends.

But they go to co-ed school and occassionally they pair up - usually the girls are the initiators, and I dont think it goes beyond a facebook status - the boys would rather be kicking a ball.

 

[Andona]

I love the DIS! I love it that Battymum can post her worries and get such thoughtful helpful responses from all sides and generations!

For my part, I have one DD who is now 23. Battymum, like your daughter, I didn't really have worries re. Drugs, smoking and alcohol etc and that was mainly because her friends were all sensible kids and their parents had much the same attitudes as us. I was lucky there..
BUT as a teenager she could sometimes be snide and nasty and she was always teasing her little brother. I was worried on our first trip to the USA, she was 15 and he was 8 but she wanted to come and because she was experiencing new things and having a fun time we didn't teally have a problem. Hopefully your DD will be the same.

On our first trip to Europe she was 17 and it helped on that trip that in some of our B & Bs she had a room to herself. It gave her some space and she really needed that. I'm not sure what your accommodation setup will be on your trip, is there any chance she can have some room to herself sometimes?

For the long term, I'm sure she will grow out of the nasties. Teenage girls can just be painful at times but they usually grow into lovely young women, mine did

Andona

 

[alicia1506]

i have been away for a few days and just saw this thread -- my perspective/experience:

i am the oldest, my sister is the youngest, with my brother in between. when i was a teen, i was terrible. i had mood swings (we later found out this was due to PCOS and could have been better controlled), terrible temper that i would take out on my sis/brother and i was a total brat to my parents. i felt that nobody understood what i was going through, the pressure i was under (i put that pressure there myself), the demands of my life etc and i took most of this out on the people in my immediate vicinity (ie parents/siblings). in public i was an angel, had steady part time work from the time i was 12, great grades, outgoing, friendly, sociable etc.

at the time, i knew what i was doing to my family was horrible. i would yell and cry and get really mad and storm out of the house to go to work/school etc and then cry all the way up the street to the bus because i hated being like that and hated the way i was treating my parents.

it was a terrible time, and i'm glad to say that the mood swings passed and my mum and i are incredibly close (and in fact always have been).

my sister (6 years younger) started hitting her mood swings right around the time that i was finishing mine up. my poor mother. to this day, the 'silver highlights' (grey hairs) she has she attributes to me.

re: the boundaries/allowances thing.

my dad was an only child and his parents were very rigid with him. my mum was the youngest of 3 with 2 utterly spoilt older sibs, so we had a pretty strict childhood. growing up, if we were going somewhere, we would have a family talk before we left. it would be explained that we were to be well behaved, polite, etc. if we wanted something, we would ask once, politely and not whinge, whine or chuck a hissy fit. if we were very good, we would be provided a souvenir or treat or present of some kind (bribery works!).

getting into our teen years, going out was an extension of that.. we always knew to be polite and respectful in company. we were taught to respect our parents and to abide by their wishes as their word was law under their roof. we always got the phrase 'as long as you are under my roof, you will respect our wishes - once you have your own house, you can choose what to do then'

going out with others was pretty restricted in my house. my parents explained that they were not comfortable trusting my welfare to people they had not met before. they were very clear that until they met and trusted someone, that person was not going to be trusted with my welfare. my first boyfriend (at the age of 16) once wanted his older brother to drive us somewhere and got on the phone to my mum to make sure it was ok. she said no, but he told me that it was either his brother or i walk home (we were on the other side of the city, and i had no money etc) so i got in the car. his brother sped, drove like a maniac, almost crashed several times etc. when he finally dropped me off at home, i promptly broke up with said b/friend, went inside, explained the situation to mum and had a big old cry. after that, i carried emergency money and was given phone money and a mobile phone that i was allowed to 'borrow' when i was going out, but it was for 'emergency use only'. the idea of using it to call friends or text was so anathema ahh, the good old days. only 12 years ago....

my brother was given more leeway to socialise/go off alone than i was, as my parents felt it was safer for a boy to be out alone than a girl. double standard? yes, but they explained it to me before i went out, explained their reasons for it etc. they were very open and honest and communication was a big part of our relationship. if we didn't like something or disagreed, we would all sit down and talk about it -- why the decision had been made, what we were feeling, why we disagreed etc. in the end, compromise would be reached.

because of that communication, my mum had a deal with each of us 3 - if we began having $ex, smoking, drinking, got a tattoo etc, we were to tell her. if anything happened, if we got into trouble etc, we were to tell her. no judgements, no recriminations, just an FYI.

as it stood, my brother took his first drink at around age 19. mine was at 18. my sister was at age 16. none of us have been drunk or hungover ever. my brother started smoking the day my grandfather died, and quit one year later. we haven't used drugs and my brother got a tattoo when he was 24 and told mum about a month later. he had body piercings at 18 which he told her about. most of it, she chose not to share with my dad but we all escaped our teenage years relatively unscathed.

my sis still has the mood swings. if something happens to us kids, our first call is to mum. that communication policy has stood us in good stead so far.

re: taking your DD on the trip and her moods -- my recommendation is to sit her down and talk - explain this is the last possible trip for a while and you want it to be special. explain everyone gets frustrated, angry, irritated etc but as adults you learn to deal with it in ways that don't make others feel bad, and if she is having those feelings, to discuss it with you or discover some way that she can express those without bringing everyone else's experience down etc. hopefully this will result in her managing her moods so that everyone can just experience the good of the trip and not have to manage her moods all the time

 

[areweindisneyyet]

OMG

I became the mother of my first bouncing baby teenager daughter yesterday!

So far she is wonderful, it is the younger one that I think will be middle aged by 15 that gives me grief.

What wonderful advice and strategies to lock away for the fun filled years ahead.

Mia

 

[battymum]

Gosh,

Thanks everybody for your thoughts - I do believe what we are going through is pretty normal - and I do realise that mostly I am pretty lucky, and she is definitely getting better -

I have found with her, once I let her make her own decisions, she usually made the right ones - she just doesnt like being "bossed around" - this has been true, from the time she could talk.

As for the holiday, last year when we went to the US - she had the t-mobile sim on her phone -so spent a lot of time texting, facebooking - it drove me mad, but if I fought her on it, it would only make the trip worse - and it was really only annoying me -

I remember the first night, we were sharing the room with her, and because of the time difference, her phone was going off all night - even though it was on silent, it still buzzed, - I took it off her and therefore it didnt charge - and she had a total meltdown "my friends, my friends" - she was also sick and jetlagged at this point. We were going to Typhoon Lagoon that day, and she was moaning "I dont feel well"

I was not going to spend all day fighting with her, so she stayed in the room all day, and everyone was happy!!

The next night she swapped with one of her brothers in the other room, "cause Dad snores" - and probably spent all night on the phone.

We are all in the one room for 9nights in Japan - but there isnt a time difference - so they have got to sleep sometime right? I will just make sure her bed is furthest from mine.....

I could talk on this subject for hours.