Teenage Girl Advice Needed

[Christine]

This post will probably nauseate some of you--the drama of teenage girls is nauseating me. And I can't believe I'm actually even giving this "soap opera" this must attention, but here goes:

Okay, need some more "help" with DD 14. First off, let me say that this really isn't that big of a deal and DD is handling it herself, but it is a little odd. I really just want to give my DD some good, sound advice on how to deal with it, and them let them work it out.

DD and her friend have been good friends since 6th grade. I like DD's friend quite a bit and even took her to WDW over the summer. But since they started high school this year, things have definitely changed with this girl. Both girls are very cute, however, I believe DD's friend gets more *boy attention* because she is, how shall I say it, well-built? Also, she is VERY outgoing, flirtatious, and fun. My DD is outgoing too, but doesn't seem to require the same amount of attention as the friend.

Okay, so the first thing that happens this year is that the friend starts "going out" with a boy that was my DD's 8th grade "love". Of course, last year in 8th grade it was certainly nothing serious, just the usual "liking each other." DD didn't seem to mind that her best friend and ex-boyfriend were an item, but made remarks that her friend didn't really like the boy that much and was just wanting a boyfriend. Then the friend told DD that she "felt she had this need to see if she could get every boy that had liked my DD." My DD was like "oh well." In the meantime, the friend was constantly breaking plans with DD and hanging out with boyfriend.

Then, DD tells me that a guy in the marching band likes her and she kind of likes him. This has been going on for a few weeks. Because they are so young, they don't actually go anywhere or do anything--they just talk at lunch.

So last night there was a school function for the "fine arts" program kids. DD shows up there and, lo and behold, there is her best friend sitting in the function holding hands with they guy that supposedly likes her.

I guess DD and her friend discussed this today and the friend says that "I don't know why, but I feel like I have to *get* every guy that likes you and that you want." Of course, the old boyfriend is dumped now by the best friend.

DD is perplexed and confused. She just didn't know what to say. She really just wants to "dump" her friend; however, here is the sticky part. Both my DD and her friend go to this high school which is out of the district. They had to audition to get in. I go to work very early in the morning and cannot get DD to this school. So I have an arrangement with best friend's mom that my DD can go to their house each morning, and the mom gets them to the alternate bus stop. I do NOT want these girls in a fight. DD knows this and she knows that she has to maintain some civility with the girl because it is almost impossible to get her to school any other way.

Now, if you are still with me and are used to teenage girls: What is the best way for my DD to deal with this *friend*? She is asking for my advice and I'm trying to think of the best thing for her to do. Obviously this girl has some real self esteem issues, but I don't know why. Or there is some jealousy against my DD for some reason.

So, any ideas?

 

[Twinkles6892]

I have a friend like that. Every guy you like, the second she finds out you like them, bam, she's all over them. It gets really annoying. I've learned to say, whatever. Because, I don't want to be like Sammie, if you know what I mean. I'm not saying she's really, "naughty" but she's just......she goes after a new boy every two seconds. The relationships don't last long, because the guy realizes that she is so not worth it and moves on. If I were your DD, the next time a guy likes her, and she likes him, stake her claim early. Ask him out to the movies or over to the house to do something (if that's ok with you mom) and tell her friend, "He's my boyfriend, he is off limits, ok?" If she's a good friend, she'll say ok. Being in highschool is hard, I feel for her

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would wisely tell your dd that if a boy likes her he is not going to worry about what her friend does.
When she meets the right guy she will know it.

So mom, I would AVOID the thing between the girls and put it on "the boys" right now.

Oh and I also have a 14yodd. Geesh...A junior likes dd and we have said NO WAY! Isn't high school FUN?

 

[kasar]

Don't you just love this age?

It doesn't sound like she will change anytime soon so your DD just needs to keep her crushes private and keep in mind that this is not a friend that can be trusted.

I hope it works out for you - hopefully even if they don't remain best friends they can find a way to coexist peacefully for the sake of the carpool.

 

[Christine]

I would wisely tell your dd that if a boy likes her he is not going to worry about what her friend does.
When she meets the right guy she will know it.

So mom, I would AVOID the thing between the girls and put it on "the boys" right now.

Oh and I also have a 14yodd. Geesh...A junior likes dd and we have said NO WAY! Isn't high school FUN?

That was the first thing I told her. I said "look, I don't quite know what to tell you about your so-called friend BUT this will be a good way to find the "good" guys. Any guy that succumbs to her flirtation needs to be immediately dropped." "If this marching guy was willingly holding her hand, then you need to move on and the when he starts flirting with YOU again, tell him to give your friend a call."

 

[N.Bailey]

If it were my daughter, I would invite the friend over and have a chat with her myself. I would be a sweet as pie telling her you really want to help her work thru these issues. I think she'd be really taken aback that you know, but.... you would always be having her best welfare in mind. I've done this trick a time or two myself and have had pretty positive results.

IMO, if you don't intervene, these two won't be friends for long. I can't imagine how your daughter could tolerate having a friend like that.

 

[Christine]

If it were my daughter, I would invite the friend over and have a chat with her myself. I would be a sweet as pie telling her you really want to help her work thru these issues. I think she'd be really taken aback that you know, but.... you would always be having her best welfare in mind. I've done this trick a time or two myself and have had pretty positive results.

IMO, if you don't intervene, these two won't be friends for long. I can't imagine how your daughter could tolerate having a friend like that.

Thanks, but I really just don't have that kind of relationship with her. Yes, she went on vacation with us but I'm just not a "down with the girls" kind of mom and she certainly WOULD be freaked out if I did this! Also, right or wrong, I'm really a firm believer in not getting into it between the kids. I'd like to give my DD the advice and let her work it out. But, believe me, it is taking a lot of my strength not to call the girl's mother up and say "do you know what your DD is doing?" And you're right, I think that it is very possible that my DD won't be able to put up with this a lot longer.

 

[MinnieM3]

Too bad your DD can't just say, "Gee, why do you always want my leftovers?"

 

[Christine]

Too bad your DD can't just say, "Gee, why do you always want my leftovers?"

Good one!

Except that this girl is now "preempting" her. This marching band guy romance was just getting started, so he's not really a leftover. It looks like the girl is looking to STOP my DD from having a boyfriend.

 

[daisyduck123]

I think that your daughter should just try to stay on an aquaintance level with this girl now. She is definetely not "friend" material & I would not want my DD friends with someone like that...it sounds like she could be the type to turn around & stab her in the back about anything.

We have people that we carpool with & only see for carpool. That doesn't mean my DD is friends with them.

 

[Disney Doll]

I can see your DD learning some valubale life lessons here:

1. She will know who her friends are, and aren't.

2. She will know a boy of quality when she meets him, because he will not chase after her friend.

3. She will learn how to deal with all kinds of people...the difficult and the pathetically sad.

4. She will learn how to make new friends, as the old ones are obviously not her friends.

5. She will learn to feel pity for people with no self-esteem, who have to build themselves up by seemingly tearing someone else down.

Here's the advice I would give her...be nice to her "friend" (who is really more of an acquaintance) for the sake of the carpool...at least until she turns 16 & can drive herself to school!!! See this friend for what she is...a sad soul whose only path to feeling good about herself is by "stealing" someone else's boyfriend. Pay attention to the boys who don't go after the friend who will throw herself at them...they may have some qualities that will appeal to your DD. Tell the band boy to take a hike when he comes crawling back to oyur DD.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Good one!

Except that this girl is now "preempting" her. This marching band guy romance was just getting started, so he's not really a leftover. It looks like the girl is looking to STOP my DD from having a boyfriend.

And this is a bad thing, how?

I just would not get in the middle of it, really. Keep doing the "boy angle". Let the girls work it out themselves.

 

[mudnuri]

What would your advice be to your daughter if you did not need to rely on her friends mother for a ride every day?

I guess thats the part of it I dont really feel comfortable with.

I see it this way- this is a toxic friendship, this is not a good one. I would not want my daughter friends with someone who treated her in this way. If it was a one time thing, I'd look the other way- but to have her come right out and say that she is trying to one-up your daughter, I'd put a stop to it right about then.

Your daughter has to realize this is not the type of friendship she wants to have. I dont see much good coming out of hanging out with this girl.

I guess the car pool is more important I dont get that part....there has to be someone else to carpool with?

I will say I'm glad my girls are only 8 & 9, i'm dreading the teenage years!

Brandy

 

[Christine]

What would your advice be to your daughter if you did not need to rely on her friends mother for a ride every day?

I guess thats the part of it I dont really feel comfortable with.

I see it this way- this is a toxic friendship, this is not a good one. I would not want my daughter friends with someone who treated her in this way. If it was a one time thing, I'd look the other way- but to have her come right out and say that she is trying to one-up your daughter, I'd put a stop to it right about then.

Your daughter has to realize this is not the type of friendship she wants to have. I dont see much good coming out of hanging out with this girl.

I guess the car pool is more important I dont get that part....there has to be someone else to carpool with?

I will say I'm glad my girls are only 8 & 9, i'm dreading the teenage years!

Brandy

Brandy,

If we did not need this girl for a ride, then my advice would be to "ditch" her.

I'll explain the ride situation. I work full-time about 30 miles from my house. I have to carpool to my job as there is no parking. I *must* be in D.C. by about 6:45. So, I have to leave my house by 5:45 a.m. The bus transportaton to this school does not come into our neighborhood because we are outside the school district. We can either drive our kids to the high school or we can take our kids to some designated stops throughout the town and a bus will pick them up there. The earliest the bus comes at any stop is 6:40 a.m. Obviously, I cannot do that. I also cannot change my work/commute schedule at all (believe it or not). So, I am really stuck. This woman (the friend's mom) made this offer to me over the summer and it is a very generous offer. It is not a carpool in any sense of the word. I take my DD to her friend's house. By the time we get there, it is 6:00 a.m. They have the door open for her. She stays with them for 30 minutes in the morning and then the girls head to the bus stop which is about 15 minute walk from the friend's house. My DD then rides home on the same bus and goes to the girl's house until my husband gets there, about 30 minutes later. So, it is way more than a carpool.

Really, my only other option is to leave my house at 5:30 a.m., drive over to my parent's house which is a 20 minute ride opposite of my commute, drop DD there, and have my dad take her to school. This scenario really screws up getting my DS dropped off for his school.

So, I am very dependent on people to get my kids to school.

And there is no other way to get to this school as no kids that we know of from our area go to the school.

It's a real pain.

Besides all that, I do think the girls genuinely like each other when this crap isn't going on. I guess I'm just so shocked because, for 3 years, they've been the best of friends without ANY strife at all. It all just started in September.

 

[Feralpeg]

If she were my DD, I'd tell to act like it doesn't bother her and just go on like nothing has happened. The other girl is trying to get a reaction from your daughter. If she doesn't see that it bothers your daughter, then there is no point. Eventually, she will stop. I know it may be hard for your daughter initially. I'm sure this hurts her feelings, but explain to her that it isn't really her problem. The problem is with her friend. That little girl has some issues. Maybe she doesn't get the attention at home she needs, so she needs to try to get it how ever.

I hope it works out for both girls. Being a teenager is tough. Being a parent of a teenager is terrible!

 

[mudnuri]

Brandy,

If we did not need this girl for a ride, then my advice would be to "ditch" her.

I'll explain the ride situation. I work full-time about 30 miles from my house. I have to carpool to my job as there is no parking. I *must* be in D.C. by about 6:45. So, I have to leave my house by 5:45 a.m. The bus transportaton to this school does not come into our neighborhood because we are outside the school district. We can either drive our kids to the high school or we can take our kids to some designated stops throughout the town and a bus will pick them up there. The earliest the bus comes at any stop is 6:40 a.m. Obviously, I cannot do that. I also cannot change my work/commute schedule at all (believe it or not). So, I am really stuck. This woman (the friend's mom) made this offer to me over the summer and it is a very generous offer. It is not a carpool in any sense of the word. I take my DD to her friend's house. By the time we get there, it is 6:00 a.m. They have the door open for her. She stays with them for 30 minutes in the morning and then the girls head to the bus stop which is about 15 minute walk from the friend's house. My DD then rides home on the same bus and goes to the girl's house until my husband gets there, about 30 minutes later. So, it is way more than a carpool.

Really, my only other option is to leave my house at 5:30 a.m., drive over to my parent's house which is a 20 minute ride opposite of my commute, drop DD there, and have my dad take her to school. This scenario really screws up getting my DS dropped off for his school.

So, I am very dependent on people to get my kids to school.

And there is no other way to get to this school as no kids that we know of from our area go to the school.

It's a real pain.

Besides all that, I do think the girls genuinely like each other when this crap isn't going on. I guess I'm just so shocked because, for 3 years, they've been the best of friends without ANY strife at all. It all just started in September.

UGH! That sucks!

I wonder if you could mediate a talk with the girls? Maybe a sit down with the 2 girls- your DD can explain to the friend why it bothers her- she feels hurt, etc...and you can just be there, to help explain both sides, maybe thats what they need?

Hormones running wild, back stabbing, whose talking about who...I certainly would never want to relive these years, and am dreading them coming into my house!

Good luck Christine!

Brandy

 

[phillybeth]

I would tell my DD to pick the guy her 'friend' is LEAST likely to like, and then have your DD tell the friend that SHE likes the unlikely guy. Muddy the waters so to speak

 

[The Dark Dancer]

Well, I'm 14 and I would do one of the following:


1. Your DD can sit down and tell her friend that it is bothering her and to please stop.

2. She can act like it doesn't bother her (it might be kind of tough)

3. You could very nicely ask (suggest) to the friend's mother, to please try and talk to her daughter about the situation.

4. She could pretend to like a really geeky (or unlikely) guy and tell the friend. Then, while the friend is busy with the fake guy, your DD could go to the boy she really likes. If the friend says anything, your DD could say she simply changed her mind.

5. Or, She could just not tell the friend who she likes.

So sorry if none of these help. I know it may be tough to solve this situation and I understand where your DD is coming from. Trust me, I always go to my Mom for advice and I know it must be hard to solve all of our problems.

I'll try and think of more solutions for your DD's Delima!(sp?)

 

[TxDisneyFan]

#1 is keep DD talking to you about her problems. My children are not yet teens, but friends and co-workers who are parents of teens most often complain that their children don't talk to them. Thank goodness your daughter is comfortable enough to come to you with her problems.

I think you are handling the situation as best you can. You are showing your daughter that you trust her by letting her deal with her friend. Sometimes the hardest thing as a parent is to let our children make decisions on their own.

I'm guessing that if you could change your work hours you would have already done that.

I wonder why the friend would tell your DD what she's doing? It does seem as if she's trying to elicit a reaction from her. Does the girl seem attracted to your DD? I'm just throwing a different angle in here...so please, no flames.

I guess for now you'll have to be patient and see what happens next. Good luck to you and your DD.

 

[Christine]

Oh believe me, if I could change my hours, I would.

The friend is telling my DD about it because my DD "called" her on it yesterday. She pointed out that this was the 2nd or 3rd guy now that this is going on with and exactly WHY was she doing this. It is just so obvious what the friend is doing that I don't think she could even begin to deny it. So, in some weird way, she was being truly honest with my DD. I think she admitted that what she was doing was wrong but that she just couldn't help herself. DD says that she has to compete with my DD in every way. If they end up playing soccer in the back yard (which the girl is MUCH better at than my DD) they end up rolling in the dirt to the death. My DD now does Tae Kwon Do and this girl keeps telling her that she may want to start taking it just so that she can "beat" her and has said that she could probably beat her at it anyway--without the training (she does weight a good 30 lbs more than my DD). I just find it soooooo bizarre.

And the thing is, she has a really, really, really good set of parents who do dote on her and are always there for her. I think someone above asked if maybe the girl does not get enough attention at home. If anything, it would be my DD that gets much less attention. On the surface or what I can see, her parents are great. And my DD has vacationed with them and nothing out of the ordinary has ever come up. Who knows, maybe she's too doted on?

Basically, I've told DD that while her friend is a good person and nice (she is) she has some serious "issues" that she needs to work on. I told my DD to try to discuss that with her--that friends just don't do that to each other and just see what happens.