TEEN MARRIAGE - how to discourage - PLEASE HELP

[twinspluscade]

I also agree with the not discouraging thing--the more "forbidden" it is, the more tempting!

I had a few friends who got engaged in high school, and the relationships later ended in college. I think in college you grow up so much, and things really change. So there is a good chance they'll go their separate ways in a year or so. One word of caution, one or two of those friends did have babies as a result of the early engagements. I think the security of being engaged led them to be not quite as cautious with birth control.

I also think it's a good idea to start learning those life skills, not only in preparation of the possible marriage but for college too. Seventeen is plenty old to be doing her own laundry, keeping track of her bills, etc. Does she have a part-time job? Her own checkbook? If not, maybe it's time.

I also would tell her I wouldn't be footing the bills for car insurance, college etc. if she gets married. If you're old enough to get married, you're too old to have Mom and Dad still supporting you. But I'm a big believer in kids paying their own way for college anyway, like my brother and I did, and nearly all my friends. My kids certainly will be since DH and I can't afford to send 3 at the same time.

Kelly

 

[ilovejack02]

I thought I was going to marry my highschool boyfriend too well i was in H.S. he was 21 and had a good job. He gave me a gorgeous ring for graduation, whole nine yards. My parents never said a word, just smiled and said how pretty my ring was I was still going on to college.

I ended up throwing it at him one night about a year later and he married someone else a year after that.

Mom just needs to take a deep breath, realize it prob wont happen and move on. At the most, I would say Im not going to pay for a wedding until a full year of college is up.

Ps One girl I went to high school with married her sweetheart the June after we graduated, that was 13 yrs ago... still happily married with 2 kids.

The girl across the street from my parents married, during her freshman yr of college and its been about 7 yrs now and they just had their first baby about a year ago.

 

[dianemb]

Why do people assume because their young it's a problem. My husband was 17 and I was 20 when we met. We were engaged with in 2 months of dating. He went off to college that fall and sold his plasma twice a week to buy my engagement ring. He only lasted 1 semester and came home. We were married the following spring and have been for 24 years. It's not the age it's the commitment!!!! We have been through some very rough times (not commitment related, death of parent, child and a major car accident) but are dedicated to each other and knew when we got married it was for LIFE!!! We work together on everything and that's what marriage is.

 

[Paull117]

I wish I had some of the advise that is being given here. I got engaged right out of high school. I didn't get married to her thank goodness. I decided to finish college first. Well in the mean time I realized I made a mistake, and I really needed to live a little before anything happened. I was also the one that was pressured by my parents that I needed to get married so I didn't break it off. So I sat in a miserable relationship with a person longer than needed because I thought I was suppose to. At least she realized that it didn't have to be this way and broke it off with me. I was bitter at the time because I thought that I was suppose to marry her. After that I kind of relaxed a little eventually I met my wife and completely happy with 2 kids.

I wouldn't encourage her to get married right away, but I would encourage her to wait until after school. There are relationships that do work right from high school and there are some that don't. If it was one of my DD's I would approach it like that. I know no one could have told me not to get engaged back then, but they could have told me not to be in a rush instead of pushing. I think from a parent if they would have saw how sad I was they then would have said you know you are not married yet you can get out of this with just hurt feelings.

Paul

 

[Genieklone]

I just posted over on the community board but then as soon as I pushed "enter", I thought maybe you guys could help me over here.


A friend has a teen daughter who is 17. She's an honor student and on her way to college next year. She's been dating her bf since October. (SIX MONTHS!!!)

So the other day, she tells her mom that her and her bf want to get engaged this summer and married after their freshman year of college.

My friend has gotten NO SLEEP since this conversation happened.

Does anyone have any facts/figures/statistics I can provide so she can talk to her DD?

Her DD and her bf are both really super smart kids. Having said that, they both live at home and don't have jobs and just knowing this girl, she doesn't have life skills enough to be married. I asked her mom if she even knew how to cook (NO) or do laundry (NO), does she pay her car insurance (NO) or for her own gas (NO) have any money skills(NO) .................................

How do you talk these kids out of it? Or do you? Any suggestions at all? anything is appreciated. I want to help my friend and she is freaking out! Have any of you been thru this with your kids? or can recommend books on this topic?

Actually this sounds like my DH and me. We were both at the top of our class. We met at 16 (me) and 17 (him). We were engaged at our year anniversary. Rather than discourage the relationship (everyone tried with us), encourage a long enagagement. Love should be worth waiting for. I would ask that these kids go to a premarital class that encourages role playing to discuss finances, kids, sex, religion etc. My husband and I have been together for almost 9yrs and he's my bestfriend. One of the statitics that was always quoted was over 80% of marriages that were between couples that are under 21 end in failure. Quoting statistics really isn't going to change their minds. When you start treating them like adults andwork with them, they will make the right decision for themselves. Trust me, that pre-marriage class will be an eye opener.

 

[girlsx4]

Well, DH and I were married when I was 18 and he was 21. We had been together all through my high school years. We will be celebrating our 13th anniversary this fall. We have 4 beautiful kiddos, too!
I would probably just not discourage it too much because they are teenagers and will probably change their minds next month
And it won't be the end of the world if they marry..........

 

[flipflop]

My DH got engaged at 17 (not to me) and they were engaged for 5 years. His parents told him that they thought it best if they waited until after college to get married. They discussed financial commitments, how you change as a person, and that marriage didn't need to be immediate. They treated him with respect and as an adult - that made all difference and they didn't run down the aisle after having dated for 6 months.

 

[perdidochas]

I just posted over on the community board but then as soon as I pushed "enter", I thought maybe you guys could help me over here.


A friend has a teen daughter who is 17. She's an honor student and on her way to college next year. She's been dating her bf since October. (SIX MONTHS!!!)

So the other day, she tells her mom that her and her bf want to get engaged this summer and married after their freshman year of college.

My friend has gotten NO SLEEP since this conversation happened.

Does anyone have any facts/figures/statistics I can provide so she can talk to her DD?

Her DD and her bf are both really super smart kids. Having said that, they both live at home and don't have jobs and just knowing this girl, she doesn't have life skills enough to be married. I asked her mom if she even knew how to cook (NO) or do laundry (NO), does she pay her car insurance (NO) or for her own gas (NO) have any money skills(NO) .................................

How do you talk these kids out of it? Or do you? Any suggestions at all? anything is appreciated. I want to help my friend and she is freaking out! Have any of you been thru this with your kids? or can recommend books on this topic?

I would suggest the Mom start teaching those skills to her daughter. The daughter will need those regardless.

Also, she should chill. A lot of things change in that freshman year of college.

 

[CleveRocks]

Statistically, the odds are NOT in favor of a teen marriage working out well. However, I have a testimonial ....

My brother and his wife married at 20. They met when they were 16. My brother had NEVER dated before, and my SIL had dated only a few boys. They were also of different religious faiths. When they first married, they lived in SIL's parents' house, and when they got their first tiny apartment they were both still in school and got by on public assistance and food stamps. Their first of 4 children was born 18 months after their wedding, just a few weeks after moving into their tiny first apartment. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?

Well ....

In a few months they'll celebrate their 28th wedding anniversary. Their oldest daughter graduated medical school in May and is working as a medical resident. Their oldest son graduated college and is working in his chosen profession. Their 3rd child will graduate college this spring and is choosing from among the Ivy League law schools she was accepted at. Their youngest is graduating high school in June and is choosing from among the elite colleges he was accepted at.

My brother and SIL have a beautiful home as well as a beautiful vacation home, which they paid for with nothing but the rewards from their individual professional successes -- no financial help from family (none was available!), no good ol' boy network to receive favors from, just hard work and determination. They love each other and are very happy with the world around them. Their kids are beautiful in every sense of the word, and have great relationships with their parents, cousins, etc.

Perhaps not a typical outcome from such beginnings, but just a glimpse of what is possible.

 

[Gillian]

There's no reason why it can't work out if they're smart, love each other and have common goals that they're will to work toward together.

I do agree that teaching life skills should start now (or yesterday). A 17 year old should know how to do laundry and how to cook some basic things at least. My 6 year old can cook eggs and thinks they taste better when he cooks them.

Sitting together to learn about budgeting and running a household would be a nice thing too.

If they are married, and both in school, it is likely they'll qualify for a lot of financial aid, and some schools even have married student housing!

 

[flying_babyb]

let um get engaged, After a year of college, there views will really change. I was engaged at the age of 18 to the love of my life (at the time). By the end of 6 months of college I relizied that I wanted a whole diffent life than him and we broke up. My best advice is to let it lie for now, but teach her those life skills too.

 

[WDWorBUST]

I don't think not financially putting a child through college because they got married as punishment - I see it as if they are old enough to make that decision they are old enough to "fend" for themselves. My mom and dad helped me in college (all loans - I paid back every penny, well of tuition/room and board - I'm sure they gave me money to help that wasn't paid back - but you get what I'm saying). When I decided to get married that stopped and I had to take out education loans (it was only a semester or two) - they taught me a good life lesson - they didn't punish me. My parents still help me if necessary (loans that I pay back interest on too) - we have a great relationship -- I live next door to them. Them teaching me that if you are responsible enough to get married you are responsible enough to support yourself was not a bad thing that made me resent them - it was what is a fact of life. It wasn't like they were using "money" over me to get me not to get married - they were always positive about my DH and us getting married. And I knew the "rules" long before I met my DH. I think kids shouldn't be caudled - I know I valued my education a lot more when it was coming solely from my pocket (even though it was loans from my parents it was still different) - I think that's why so many kids fail that first year - they aren't financially vested in their education and they haven't been taught life skills - I know although I didn't blow off college because it would disappoint my parents (that was threat enough to me - the idea of disappointing them killed me - still does) I didn't do as well as I could have. Everyone is different and needs to be treated differently - and if the lesson that the parents quit supporting the child (in the OP's case) hasn't been taught before now I could see where resentment might come out now if she thinks it's only because she wants to get married - but it sounds like she is a good girl that will do well in college and they will either grow apart or they won't and get married and we hope have a long lasting relationship.

 

[danx2plus3more]

just beause they are young does not mean they are stupid..you said they were smart...they will be fine one way or the other..not supporting them will cloud thier judgement...us against the world type thing..i was engaged at 17, married 5 monthes after i turned 18...im 28 now and we are still together..husband is a bit older than me by 7 yrs, you cant predict the future...sometimes when ppl fit they fit..it does sound like she needs life skills. her mother is doing her no favor not teaching her how to be independant...thats all

 

[swillis]

I married my first husband when I was 18. He was 20. We were married for about 7 years and had 2 kids before I realized that I had grown up, and he did not.

You have NO idea what you want at 18 years old. Everything you think you want in life will change. My own parents were married at 17 and 20, and are still VERY happily married today. I had great role models on how a marriage should work. It still wasn't enough. I only wish my parents had said no. They didn't.

They tried to make sure through asking me questions, and gently supporting me that I was sure about my decision, but they never said no. Who knows if I would have listened to them, but I wish they had tried.

Still...in the end, it was my choice to make. Some of the years were good, and some were very bad. I have my 2 beautiful children as a result of my marriage, and many life experiences that have made me stronger, and wiser.

I don't think that you can force this situation. Marriage has a 50% divorce rate. It doesn't matter if you 18 or 38, either way there is a very good chance that the marriage will fail. I think all you can do is advise, support and let the kids make their own mistakes.

 

[rt2dz]

Have not read all the responses, so I may be repeating, but...

Don't discourage the DD of your friend. That will only make it all the more appealing and could possibly push it along faster. The forbidden fruit thing. And, who knows, maybe this is "the one". Wouldn't be the first time people found their soul mates while still in high school. Used to be the norm, and when the divorce rate was much lower at that.

What I would do if it were my DD is say fine, but I would like to set a few goals. One, insist on pre-marriage counseling. No matter what the age, that would go a long way to helping a marriage. It gets people on the same page with money, kids, religion, professional goals, etc. And, heck, I've known of a few couples that decided in pre-martial counseling to either post-pone the marriage or call it off altogether.

The second thing I'd do is ask to wait until after the freshman year of college to get engaged and then ask them to wait until after junior year before getting married at the soonest, after graduating totally hopefully. If it is truly the one, neither will be going anywhere. The only reason to rush marriage is for kids.

I'd then set up a few things that need to be accomplished before getting married. The life skills the DD is missing: how to cook, how to do laundry, how credit cards work, running a household budget/balancing a checkbook, etc. Of course, remember, there are plenty of older adults (50s) that don't know how to do these things and get along just fine. My DH knows how to do laundry, but doesn't. And I quit cooking a long time ago.

I would probably also encourage a very effective form of birth control, ie, an IUD--5 years of protection.

Just be supportive. Do not threaten. Do not push. It can, and usually does, backfire. Even if it doesn't, it builds ill will. Chances are if your friend is supportive, she can help delay the wedding & engagement; and, chances are, in college, both will seperate. And if not, well, no bad relationships have been built and they will be that much of a stronger couple.

 

[bibbity bobbity boo]

I didnt read all of the responses.

Yikes!

Reading this, I think to myself to young and dumb...

BUT....

I met DH 11/89 when we were both 18 and just out of highschool...got engaged 5/90. We were engaged for NINE YEARS and when we eventually got married in 5/99 we ran off to Disney to do it and then came back and had a big party with friends and family.

We will be together 18 years this year. We have a GREAT DD who was born 4/03 and are still happy together.

Its a tough situation...I think it really depends on the maturity of the 2 people involved.

 

[c4alymom]

I was married at 19 (27 now) DH and I were discouraged by both sets of our parents. BUT, we are still happily married. Sure, we have had our share of trials, but we are still going strong. Nothing was going to change our minds and once our parents realized that, we got their full support. They all admit that we did make a sane choice (they didn't think so at the time ) We now have two beautiful children and I wouldn't go back and change it for anything.

I don't think that cutting a child off is necessarily the best choice. Be supportive. At least they aren't saying they are going to get married tomorrow.

 

[LisaNJ25]

I just posted over on the community board but then as soon as I pushed "enter", I thought maybe you guys could help me over here.


A friend has a teen daughter who is 17. She's an honor student and on her way to college next year. She's been dating her bf since October. (SIX MONTHS!!!)

So the other day, she tells her mom that her and her bf want to get engaged this summer and married after their freshman year of college.

My friend has gotten NO SLEEP since this conversation happened.

Does anyone have any facts/figures/statistics I can provide so she can talk to her DD?

Her DD and her bf are both really super smart kids. Having said that, they both live at home and don't have jobs and just knowing this girl, she doesn't have life skills enough to be married. I asked her mom if she even knew how to cook (NO) or do laundry (NO), does she pay her car insurance (NO) or for her own gas (NO) have any money skills(NO) .................................

How do you talk these kids out of it? Or do you? Any suggestions at all? anything is appreciated. I want to help my friend and she is freaking out! Have any of you been thru this with your kids? or can recommend books on this topic?

I can tell you I found out I was pregnant 5 months after I started dating DH. I was 17. We got married when I was 18 and May 28th will be out 14th wedding anniversary.

We turned out just fine.

 

[Princess Tink]

I'm about to turn 30 this year and have been married for 7 years. I have an 11, 8 and 6 year old- so you could say I started out a little early. No matter what anyone would have told me I still would have went on my way and did what I wanted. Do I regret it? No. But that doesnt mean she won't. However I think the more it is discouraged the more she will want to move forward. The best adivice I have is to tell your friend to take her daughter seriously. She needs to be there for her but help her. Telling her daughter she will help with wedding costs if they complete counseling...things like that.

As far as stopping the daughter, I dont see that happening- she needs to decide on her own.

I apoligize as I haven't read all the post yet. But I have to agree with jenrein:
I am (just turned) 29 , been married for 10.5 yrs, and have a 9 yr old(just turned 9 last month). My DH and I started dating in July and was engaged by that November, that was my senior year of HS. We planned our wedding for almost 2 yrs out. When I told my parents, they were not happy (even though my Dad intro'd us). My parents became very strict (all of the sudden). They went as far as 2 wks later packing my things and telling me if I couldn't follow their rules and be considerate of their thoughts that I could get out. Needless to say I put my belongings in my car and went to my DF's house. He was a couple yrs older than me, but still lived with his parents. His parents welcomed me in. I continued to go to school full time (an hour drive each way, becuase of where they lived), maintained a B+ GPA, and worked 35-40 hours a week to pay my car and insurance. We ended up moving the wedding date up to that following June (less than 4 wks after my HS graduation). My parents flipped, but that didn't matter to me at that point.....we were paying for everything anyhow. Luckily, my DMIL helped us out a lot as far as cordinating eveything. She even made my dress and flowers.....I was too picky couldn't find THE DRESS I wanted, so she made it. She is an awesome seamstress (sp?). Anyhow, 10.5 yrs later we're still happily married and we live pretty decent lives. Don't get me wrong we've had our ups and downs, as does every couple. We still love each other very much, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I look forward to the next 10 yrs, 20 yrs, or whatever life has in store for us.