TEEN MARRIAGE - how to discourage - PLEASE HELP

[Grumpy's Gal]

I just posted over on the community board but then as soon as I pushed "enter", I thought maybe you guys could help me over here.


A friend has a teen daughter who is 17. She's an honor student and on her way to college next year. She's been dating her bf since October. (SIX MONTHS!!!)

So the other day, she tells her mom that her and her bf want to get engaged this summer and married after their freshman year of college.

My friend has gotten NO SLEEP since this conversation happened.

Does anyone have any facts/figures/statistics I can provide so she can talk to her DD?

Her DD and her bf are both really super smart kids. Having said that, they both live at home and don't have jobs and just knowing this girl, she doesn't have life skills enough to be married. I asked her mom if she even knew how to cook (NO) or do laundry (NO), does she pay her car insurance (NO) or for her own gas (NO) have any money skills(NO) .................................

How do you talk these kids out of it? Or do you? Any suggestions at all? anything is appreciated. I want to help my friend and she is freaking out! Have any of you been thru this with your kids? or can recommend books on this topic?

 

[Willow25]

I would think that it would be best to play along. After their first year of college they will likely have a different perspective on relationships and life. No need to alienate the daughter when it will probably not work out anyway. Are they going to the same college??

 

[jenrein]

I'm about to turn 30 this year and have been married for 7 years. I have an 11, 8 and 6 year old- so you could say I started out a little early. No matter what anyone would have told me I still would have went on my way and did what I wanted. Do I regret it? No. But that doesnt mean she won't. However I think the more it is discouraged the more she will want to move forward. The best adivice I have is to tell your friend to take her daughter seriously. She needs to be there for her but help her. Telling her daughter she will help with wedding costs if they complete counseling...things like that.

As far as stopping the daughter, I dont see that happening- she needs to decide on her own.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Are they going to the same college??

yes - a very small college

 

[dis-happy]

I'd tell her that if she gets married, she's responsible for herself, and no more financial help for college or other living expenses. However, if she waits until after graduation, no problem.

Are they going to the same college? Hopefully she'll be at a different school, get more life experience, and have a more mature outlook in a year. I do know some couples that were together in high school and ended up happily married, but waiting until after college graduation is the key.

Parents probably would do best not to belabor the point too much right now(thereby making the couple more determined). Just remind them once that if they choose that path they are the ones responsible.

 

[WDWorBUST]

Personally I think a LOT of things can change during that first year of college. I would encourage your friend not to stress out. If I were her I would probably not discourage her DD - not encourage her either - but not be the bad guy. What I would encourage her to do is pursue activities she is interested in that first year of college to expand her horizons....most likely it won't last - but if it does maybe they are right for each other. Oh and although it was 10+ years ago I can honestly say I grew up a LOT that first year of college as well so if they do move forward with a marriage it may not be as bad as it sounds right now while she's still in high school. Oh....and the one thing my parents did that I fully intend to do with my dd as well is that they helped me with school but I became responsible for myself once I got married. I am willing to pay for my dd's school as much as I can BUT if she gets married before she's done with school then I'm done with paying for college.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I'd tell her that if she gets married, she's responsible for herself, and no more financial help for college or other living expenses. However, if she waits until after graduation, no problem.

Good point. Yes, they will be at the same college. Hopefully, they will be really busy that first year!

 

[bsmcneil]

I'd tell her that if she gets married, she's responsible for herself, and no more financial help for college or other living expenses. However, if she waits until after graduation, no problem.

Are they going to the same college? Hopefully she'll be at a different school, get more life experience, and have a more mature outlook in a year. I do know some couples that were together in high school and ended up happily married, but waiting until after college graduation is the key.

Parents probably would do best not to belabor the point too much right now(thereby making the couple more determined). Just remind them once that if they choose that path they are the ones responsible.

Man, if I were your kid, I'd do it on the 18th birthday. Pushing people away, using money and power - not really the best ways to do things. Effective? Maybe. They may get the kid to do what you want, for the moment. But eventually that power wears away (as does the relationship you have with your child). Also - while you may not support her in college, she'd likely get more financial aid (in the form of loans and grants).

 

[twoprincesses]

I'd tell her that if she gets married, she's responsible for herself, and no more financial help for college or other living expenses. However, if she waits until after graduation, no problem.

Are they going to the same college? Hopefully she'll be at a different school, get more life experience, and have a more mature outlook in a year. I do know some couples that were together in high school and ended up happily married, but waiting until after college graduation is the key.

Parents probably would do best not to belabor the point too much right now(thereby making the couple more determined). Just remind them once that if they choose that path they are the ones responsible.

I agree. I am 21 and was married at 16. My husband and I went to the same high school and had our first child when I was 15 and he was 18. I haven't stopped going to school... I graduated on time and with honors and am about to graduate college with a BS in Poltical Science. All of this is great, however, it would have been a lot easier without all the pressure of taking care of my family lingering over my head. Work, family, and school is hard when they all are occurring at one time. I really feel like I missed out on a lot in college. I love my husband with all my heart, but we both missed out on the fun that dating can bring. Best of luck... I hope she realizes what she's getting into.

 

[Nala2007]

Majority rules here so far. I would definitely NOT try to discourage it, but I wouldn't condone it either, just be neutral. As stated above, by the time freshman year is over a lot of things will have changed. I agree that just telling them not to do it, will just give them more a reason to rebel.

 

[Michigan]

My cousin got married at 18 as a freshman and her husband was a sophmore in college. He went through dental school, then they started their family. They will be married 31 years this year and still as happy as they were in college.

 

[HelenePA]

Well... I've known my dh since I was 17 he was 23 yeah a few years difference... I was out of HS when I met him and we are still together... I've known since pretty much the first week I was going to marry him someday To those who would no longer support your daughters in college WOW, if that was me and I thought my daughter was making the wrong choice I'd make SURE she went to college! If the marriage does fail where does that leave her and possibly your grandchildren??? wouldnt you want her to have something to fall back on just incase? It might be the wrong thing.. but you gotta let them make their mistakes.. sure you can TRY to talk her out of it.. but really if she's gonna do it she's gonna do it.

 

[sarahknowles]

I wouldn't DISCOURAGE marriage, rather ENCOURAGE a long engagement period. Most likely they are trying to secure their commitment to each other at a very insecure time in their lives. It is most likely a way for each of them to ease their anxieties about college life. I would say, first and foremost, don't freak out! This can be a good thing. At least she won't be going crazy on "Girls Gone Wild" and having random one night stands with drunken frat guys.
I would discuss with her the benefits of waiting until after college graduation. After all, marriage is forever, so the 4 years of practice being engaged will come in handy at toughing it out for the long haul.
But speak once and forever hold your peace, so they say. To much talk might push her away, and if the relationship does end it will be a bitter pill for her to swallow knowing that she was wrong.

 

[jamesmommy]

I am sure it is really hard (if it was my son, I would be worried too, lol), but your friend needs to try not to show the worry about it too much. Alot can change in a year when you are that age, and many times when parents go against a relationship, it only manages to increase the couple's resolve. Chances are that your friend and/or others that she knows probably felt the same way about someone when they were young.

That being said, DH and I were married after our first year of college after dating 6 months, we have now been married almost 24 years, so it can work


Amie (who really wants to talk hubby into a 25th celebration next year at the WP)

 

[PlutoPony]

Maybe it's also time to for your friend to start giving her daughter some of those life skills that she doesn't yet have. Things like laundry and budgeting are really necessary to get thru college (unless you're home every weekend) and starting to understand how much things REALLY cost like car insurance. If she has a better idea of the "real world" it could help the girl make a more informed choice about something like marriage...

 

[nessz79]

Going with the others not to discourage her. I was married at the age of 20 to my 30 year old husband (yep, big age difference, I know). 7 years later, I don't regret it one bit. We have 2 beautiful children (4 and 2 year old boys) and we're the best of friends. Not saying there aren't people who get married too young and regret it. Just saying that you never know.

Like other posters have mentioned, it's very possible she'll do quite a bit of changing and growing over that next year and she may change her mind anyway. Better not to stand in the way.

 

[3js13]

I met my husband when I was 19 he was 26. We are very happily married. THat being said. My neice announced her engagement last summer at the age of 19. Her father gave his approval, but suggested waiting until she gradutated. She thought about it and said she is going to wait until she is done school and started work first. She is going to school to be a pediatric nurse.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with a pp, if this is what she "thinks" she would like to do, I too would start preparing her for what it will bring, laundry, bills etc. That way her choice is informed and there will be more confidence on the parents part that she can survive. It may change her outlook but again it may not. Everyone should be prepared to do what she needs to do.

I, also, would like to say that I too would mention my financial obligation limits to the dd. I paid for my ds's college with the understanding that he had the responsibility to go to class and keep good grades. It was my hard earned money and I don't throw it away. He did fail one class his 2nd year, he did pay me back for it. But he never failed again. Being married while in college takes alot of responsibility and determination, especially if a child comes along. She needs to be prepared for those things.

Kelly

 

[2Monkeys]

I would definitely NOT discourage them - in High School, my mom forbade me to see someone, so you know what I did...snuck around and saw him anyway, just to prove she couldn't control me (and I was a very GOOD GIRL).

I agree that once they are married that they take care of their own living expenses, but I do also agree with the PP that said they would be sure to pay for their DDs education just in case things didn't work out. By not paying for college, the parents may be forcing the kids to quit school, and I'm sure they don't want that.

Something that I plan to do for both of my children is to offer financial assistance with the wedding if and ONLY if they complete pre-marital counseling. If these kids go ahead and do this now, they may find that they are not as ready as they think they are.

Tell your friend not to stress out, but to just go along - alot can happen in a year!

 

[Disney Crazy Debbie]

Maybe it's also time to for your friend to start giving her daughter some of those life skills that she doesn't yet have. Things like laundry and budgeting are really necessary to get thru college (unless you're home every weekend) and starting to understand how much things REALLY cost like car insurance. If she has a better idea of the "real world" it could help the girl make a more informed choice about something like marriage...

This sounds like good advise to me. I would tell her, and maybe even bring him into it with the budget, etc., that I have such a short amount of time to assist them for married life and that "we" are all going to work together learning about meals, grocery shopping, laundry, budgets, rent, car payments, rent, etc. Then put it to the test that they work within their budget, etc. I wouldn't cut her off or discourage it because it would probably only backfire by drawing them closer together. I wouldn't leave the boy out of responsibilities like household duties because I feel everything works better as team and that includes building a relationship. And likewise, she should learn about yard responsibilities, mowing, trimming, flowers, etc. I guess it's just a big lesson on living - with any relationship it takes alot of work and it is not always fun but it is rewarding.