Teen Help Needed!!! (Long)

[3happydancers]

We are leaving for the World on Aug. 19th. Been planning for the last year. DD is bringing her BFF. Girls have been best friends for years. Both will be celebrating their sweet 16th birthday. We've planned several fun things including an illuminations cruise and a few days at Universal.

Several months ago my daughter's friend became involved with her very first boyfriend. I remember how that can be.

Problem:

This week DD had plans with her best friend. I was going to take them to a rescue farm at the request of my daughter's friend, pack a lunch, and spend the day. Her best friend's boyfriend was to be away on a family vacation.

Today, my daughter's friend calls and says her boyfriend got sick so the family vacation was cancelled. Then she tells my DD that she wants to cancel their plans so that she can hang with her boyfriend and take care of him. I'm thinking if he was sick enough for the family to cancel their vacation that maybe it was not a good idea for her to be with him, but anyway. My daughter explained how she was looking forward to our plans. This went back and forth for awhile. I could see my DD getting upset (don't know exactly what was said in the texts other than her BFF was not willing to follow through with our plans). I also find out that my daughter's friend has done this several times in the past. My daughter explained to me that she would have plans with her BFF and then her BFF would cancel because her boyfriend wanted to see her. Girlfriend time became non existent.

This behavior has caused hurt feelings. My daughter is crushed that her best friend would consistently "dump" her and has explained her feelings to her friend.

Now, normally I would not get involved but considering the girls have been friends for years, have gone on previous trips with us, and we have a special trip coming up shortly, I thought a little intervention was needed. We've spent plenty of time together planning ADR's, fast passes, special requests from both girls, and needless to say money invested in tickets and such. I'd hate to see a special celebration being flushed down the toilet without at least trying.

I thought it best to speak to my daughter's friend's mom. I explained what was happening and that I thought maybe some gentle guidance would help the situation. Like I said, normally I would not intervene, but I think the friendship was worth the risk.

At first the mom refused saying she does not get involved with her daughter's affairs. I agreed that I would not normally do so either but given the circumstances (being friends for many years and our up coming trip), I thought it would be a shame for the two to lose a great friendship. I explained that even though our girls should be able to work things out that they are still young and are experiencing a new situation, and that they will still need guidance from time to time. The mom did agree that what her daughter was doing wasn't nice and finally agreed to speak to her daughter.

I'm concerned that this trip will be ruined to the point that my DD's best friend will not be coming. So much time and planning, excitement building, only to end in great disappointment for both girls. I'm feeling bad for both girls!

What would you do?

 

[TinaLala]

I would sit down with BFF and her folks and say last time I'm asking, Amazing Disney trip to celebrate your 16 birthday with your BFF or stay home with your boyfriend? Remind her the cost of said trip and the once in a lifetime experience you've planned. Or another fish in the sea, puppy love boyfriend - who's sick.

Can I say how shocked I am that the mom said that. I would convince my daughter to go - cost, time planning, experience. I have a teenager and trust me you DO want to get involved in their lives. Plus hello this boy is taking control of her life - she's not leading her own life and she's going to miss out on a lot more if she doesn't realize there's more to life then a boyfriend.

If this girl is too selfish to understand the experience and friendship she's missing out on then dump her, your daughter deserves better than that. Her friend might realize what she missed out on, but it doesn't sound like she respects your daughter very much and has her sights on boys anyways.

 

[Aliceacc]

In your position, I would back off.

The girl hasn't said anything about cancelling WDW, right? She's just acting like a jerk when it comes to chosing time with her Boyfriend over your daughter, and your daughter is naturally hurt, right?

If I were BFF's mom, I would absolutely step in, the way I would anytime my kids are behaving in a hurtful manner. But you're not her mom. You've made mom aware of the situation, that's pretty much all you can do.

In the meantime, encourage your daughter to consider plans with BFF to be fluid. So perhaps encourage her to make plans with a group that includes BFF. Don't pin her entire summer's fun on one friend who flakes out too often. Concentrate on your daughter, and not on the behavior of BFF.

It may just happen that, after a few weeks of not spending too much time together, BFF will miss your daughter and realize what's been going on. Or that she and her boyfriend will break up; teen relationships aren't famous for longevity.

But unless and until BFF said anything about cancelling on WDW, I wouldn't say anything more to BFF or her mom. I would concentrate on working with my own daughter on ways to include other friends on outings.

 

[Nettester]

It sounds like you already did do something. There isn't anything else I would do at this point. Hope the BFF's Mom can communicate to her DD with enough tact that the girl doesn't get defensive or more likely, feel extremely embarrassed at your involvement. And she may feel uncomfortable around you for awhile. Does your DD know you confronted her friend's Mom? And is this something she wanted you to do? Awkward. I completely get there's a lot at stake. I'm sure I would FREAK OUT if I thought something was going to mess up my WDW trip, but I think the best thing to do is listen to your DD's feelings, but stay out. Unless the girl does actually back out. You deal with that if and when it happens. If she comes along and the girls aren't getting along, well they are old enough to take some space apart at WDW if need be. Good luck!

 

[Tpiejg]

This is a very common situation at this age. My sister lost her best friend because of the hard feelings over this issue. A good friend of mine in high school didnt speak to a friend for a long time over this same thing. Now my daughter is experiencing the same thing. Its hard to say anything because no matter what you say it can be taken as a criticism, and in reality it is. So many teenage girls are so excited by their first "love" they have a hard time balancing boyfriend and friends. So I have told my daughter to try to understand her friend is doing something that a lot of people do. Its a new experience for her and she is trying to navigate a boyfriend relationship along with her other relationships. Instead of trying to change the girls actions I told my daughter she should try to change hers, by not taking it personally, and continuing to invite her friend to do things but not waiting for her to do things. To do other things with other people. Eventually her friend will miss my daughters company and work out a new kind of relationship or unfortunately they will move on. If the later is true I told her to try to remember the fun they had in the past and know that people change. Its not bad its just part of growing up and finding your way. Just my thoughts, hope it helps

 

[Tpiejg]

This is a very common situation at this age. My sister lost her best friend because of the hard feelings over this issue. A good friend of mine in high school didnt speak to a friend for a long time over this same thing. Now my daughter is experiencing the same thing. Its hard to say anything because no matter what you say it can be taken as a criticism, and in reality it is. So many teenage girls are so excited by their first "love" they have a hard time balancing boyfriend and friends. So I have told my daughter to try to understand her friend is doing something that a lot of people do. Its a new experience for her and she is trying to navigate a boyfriend relationship along with her other relationships. Instead of trying to change the girls actions I told my daughter she should try to change hers, by not taking it personally, and continuing to invite her friend to do things but not waiting for her to do things. To do other things with other people. Eventually her friend will miss my daughters company and work out a new kind of relationship or unfortunately they will move on. If the later is true I told her to try to remember the fun they had in the past and know that people change. Its not bad its just part of growing up and finding your way. Just my thoughts, hope it helps

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think you did exactly what I would have done and that is about all you can do. Unfortunately, her behavior is pretty typical of 16 year old girls "in love". Who is paying for the BFF's trip? Not sure that you could handle it any differently either way, but it might make a difference in her parent's reaction. Most great friendships do survive the "boyfriend drama", but sometimes it does suffer a lot of short term damage. Remember that forcing a trip, would not work out well for anyone!!!!!

 

[3happydancers]

In your position, I would back off.

The girl hasn't said anything about cancelling WDW, right? She's just acting like a jerk when it comes to chosing time with her Boyfriend over your daughter, and your daughter is naturally hurt, right?

If I were BFF's mom, I would absolutely step in, the way I would anytime my kids are behaving in a hurtful manner. But you're not her mom. You've made mom aware of the situation, that's pretty much all you can do.

In the meantime, encourage your daughter to consider plans with BFF to be fluid. So perhaps encourage her to make plans with a group that includes BFF. Don't pin her entire summer's fun on one friend who flakes out too often. Concentrate on your daughter, and not on the behavior of BFF.

It may just happen that, after a few weeks of not spending too much time together, BFF will miss your daughter and realize what's been going on. Or that she and her boyfriend will break up; teen relationships aren't famous for longevity.

But unless and until BFF said anything about cancelling on WDW, I wouldn't say anything more to BFF or her mom. I would concentrate on working with my own daughter on ways to include other friends on outings.

Thanks for your input. I did suggest to my DD that she branch out a bit, make other plans and not be pinned down to just her BFF, especially since she keeps cancelling plans.

I don't plan to say anything more but at some point, I will have to know whether the BFF is joining us. We are paying for everything except for the park tickets. Like previous trips, I paid for the tickets (ordered through Undercover), and then the parents reimbursed me. I'm not sure what to do about this yet if the BFF decides not to come. I may just let the mom know the tickets arrived and give her the total and see what happens. I would also have to cancel the BFF's flight and of course dining.

 

[3happydancers]

It sounds like you already did do something. There isn't anything else I would do at this point. Hope the BFF's Mom can communicate to her DD with enough tact that the girl doesn't get defensive or more likely, feel extremely embarrassed at your involvement. And she may feel uncomfortable around you for awhile. Does your DD know you confronted her friend's Mom? And is this something she wanted you to do? Awkward. I completely get there's a lot at stake. I'm sure I would FREAK OUT if I thought something was going to mess up my WDW trip, but I think the best thing to do is listen to your DD's feelings, but stay out. Unless the girl does actually back out. You deal with that if and when it happens. If she comes along and the girls aren't getting along, well they are old enough to take some space apart at WDW if need be. Good luck!

Yes, DD knew BEFORE I intervened. I felt I had a strong enough relationship with my daughter's friend and mom to talk about the problem in a calm, loving manner. And as for the trip, I would rather have enough notice so that DD could possibly invite either her cousin or another friend. Personally, backing out very last minute would not work.

 

[3happydancers]

This is a very common situation at this age. My sister lost her best friend because of the hard feelings over this issue. A good friend of mine in high school didnt speak to a friend for a long time over this same thing. Now my daughter is experiencing the same thing. Its hard to say anything because no matter what you say it can be taken as a criticism, and in reality it is. So many teenage girls are so excited by their first "love" they have a hard time balancing boyfriend and friends. So I have told my daughter to try to understand her friend is doing something that a lot of people do. Its a new experience for her and she is trying to navigate a boyfriend relationship along with her other relationships. Instead of trying to change the girls actions I told my daughter she should try to change hers, by not taking it personally, and continuing to invite her friend to do things but not waiting for her to do things. To do other things with other people. Eventually her friend will miss my daughters company and work out a new kind of relationship or unfortunately they will move on. If the later is true I told her to try to remember the fun they had in the past and know that people change. Its not bad its just part of growing up and finding your way. Just my thoughts, hope it helps

Sadly, you are right. I know DD may very well lose her BFF but I'm hoping not. I did explain to my daughter that she and her BFF are experiencing a new situation in their lives that is very common and that it could be very hard to figure out how to balance both a best friend and a first boyfriend. I like the way you worded to encourage my daughter to change her behavior and not focus on trying to change her best friend's. I think this is the best way to go . Thanks for your input!!!

 

[Bamagirl43]

Is it possible your DD has another friend who would like to go on the trip? I don't know enough about the Disney process to know if you can "transfer" everything to someone else. If you can, this might be a great opportunity for your daughter to enjoy another friends company and forge a new relationship.

 

[3happydancers]

I think you did exactly what I would have done and that is about all you can do. Unfortunately, her behavior is pretty typical of 16 year old girls "in love". Who is paying for the BFF's trip? Not sure that you could handle it any differently either way, but it might make a difference in her parent's reaction. Most great friendships do survive the "boyfriend drama", but sometimes it does suffer a lot of short term damage. Remember that forcing a trip, would not work out well for anyone!!!!!

We are paying for everything but my daughter's friend's park tickets. I won't force the trip (it was something planned a year ago). Both girls were very excited especially since we added a few days at Universal. Both are big Harry Potter fans and neither have ever been to US/IOA. I'm glad I'm not the only mom who feels that sometimes, even at this age, guidance is needed.

 

[3happydancers]

In your position, I would back off.

The girl hasn't said anything about cancelling WDW, right? She's just acting like a jerk when it comes to chosing time with her Boyfriend over your daughter, and your daughter is naturally hurt, right?

If I were BFF's mom, I would absolutely step in, the way I would anytime my kids are behaving in a hurtful manner. But you're not her mom. You've made mom aware of the situation, that's pretty much all you can do.

In the meantime, encourage your daughter to consider plans with BFF to be fluid. So perhaps encourage her to make plans with a group that includes BFF. Don't pin her entire summer's fun on one friend who flakes out too often. Concentrate on your daughter, and not on the behavior of BFF.

It may just happen that, after a few weeks of not spending too much time together, BFF will miss your daughter and realize what's been going on. Or that she and her boyfriend will break up; teen relationships aren't famous for longevity.

But unless and until BFF said anything about cancelling on WDW, I wouldn't say anything more to BFF or her mom. I would concentrate on working with my own daughter on ways to include other friends on outings.

This is what I thought too. Even though the girls are 16, they are still young and need guidance. Not to say we can force them what to do, but to at least let them know that what they are doing is hurtful.

 

[Aliceacc]

Parenting doesn't stop in high school, it just becomes a little trickier.

 

[3happydancers]

Is it possible your DD has another friend who would like to go on the trip? I don't know enough about the Disney process to know if you can "transfer" everything to someone else. If you can, this might be a great opportunity for your daughter to enjoy another friends company and forge a new relationship.

This is what I was thinking but we are getting close to our date (Aug. 19th). I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't want to sound attacking and putting anyone one the spot with a comment like, "I have to know by such and such a time." Yet, I would like to have notice so that we have enough time to invite someone else. I thought about leaving this up to my daughter. Any suggestions?

 

[3happydancers]

Parenting doesn't stop in high school, it just becomes a little trickier.

Yeah, and DD is my first and ONLY child/teen so I'm not sure how to precede with this delicate situation. Certainly, I don't want to control the girls, just help guide them through this rocky situation.

 

[Aliceacc]

As much as it hurts, I think we have to let our kids figure some of this stuff out themselves. It's a reality that will continue throughout their lives-- friends and boyfriends will stay close for a while, then possibly lose interest and move on. It hurts like crazy, but we've got to give them the tools to learn how to recover from this type of hurt.

One thing you might consider is to host a planning party with the two families-- maybe a BBQ. It would be a good time to set the ground rules for the girls, talk finances, and to get them both excited about the trip. And inviting the parents would make it harder for BFF to back out of the day. It's something I think you should probably do anyway, even if there had been no boyfriend in the picture.

You could talk about how much time the girls spend together alone, as opposed to with you and your husband. And you could consider setting some parameters on cell phone use-- I can envision BFF spending the entire trip glued to her phone, talking to her boyfriend, as your daughter is ignored.

 

[Bamagirl43]

This is what I was thinking but we are getting close to our date (Aug. 19th). I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't want to sound attacking and putting anyone one the spot with a comment like, "I have to know by such and such a time." Yet, I would like to have notice so that we have enough time to invite someone else. I thought about leaving this up to my daughter. Any suggestions?

Remember this is your invitation. If your daughter's friend is being hurtful, whether it be intentional or not, you have the right to change your mind and un-invite. It's not attacking to expect a firm commitment from the friend, especially with such a big trip. On the contrary, it is rude on their part. You do what's best for your DD.

 

[jtowntoflorida]

Does your daughter really want this friend to go, with the way she's been treated? I'd be talking to her about that, about how everyone deserves to be treated well by the people in their lives.

In all honestly, I would tell the other family that based on the decisions that the daughter has made in treating her supposed best friend, that she's no longer invited on the trip. Honestly, I can't believe that this girl is acting so ungratefully...you're essentially paying for an amazing vacation! And if you cancel her flight, won't that mean money out of your pocket either way? With the strain between the girls, and the friend's obsession with her boyfriend, I just don't see this trip going well. I agree with the previous poster who said the girl is likely to be calling/texting her boyfriend the entire trip. If you limit her phone use, then she'll be bitter. If you don't, then your daughter will likely be ignored. It's a no-win situation, and I'm thinking that maybe you guys are just better off making it a family-only vacation and leaving this other ungrateful child behind. Cut your losses now and I think you'll improve your chances at having an amazing vacation. With this girl involved, it just seems like a looming disaster.

I find the other mom's response curious as well...again, you guys are generously including this girl in your very expensive vacation plans, and that mom doesn't want to intervene??? Are these people always so ungrateful? It tells me that maybe the mom knows that her daughter really doesn't want to go anymore and so she didn't want to make excuses for her.

 

[Disney Khaleesi]

Your daughter needs to talk it through with her friend. Just remind her to be calm about it and not say anything that could potentially jeopardize their friendship or their trip. It's not an uncommon situation and they need to work it out together or they're never going to get past this if their parents patch it up for them, because it'll take more than a few words from mom to fix feelings that were hurt by this.