Teen getting picked on, affecting life decisions, no clue what to do

[MelissaE1]

Forgive the long post. I am at my wit's end with what to do with this.

My son is 15 and a sophomore. From the day he was born there has not been an aggressive bone in his body. He had a group of friends that he hung out with until middle school, but the core group has pretty much moved away and I don't think they've been replaced. I have suspected for a while that he gets bullied or picked on at his school, but he won't admit to it. However, a friend is having a birthday party tonight that he has been looking forward to and suddenly he does not want to go. He admitted to me that kids picking on him is why, although he refuses to go into details.

Now he has to choose whether to do AP classes or dual enrollment for next year. The university he wants to attend is extremely difficult to get into and they have traditionally weighted AP classes more favorably, not to mention he needs extracurriculars, so staying at the high school would be best. However, he wants to do dual enrollment because he hates going to school. I hate it that this bullying is affecting his life choices.

I really don't know what to do. He's very tight lipped about the whole thing, so I don't even know which kids are the problem. He doesn't want to say and he's as stubborn as his mom! He would die if I talked to someone at the school, and I don't want to add to his problems or make him feel like if he talks to me I will go behind his back. Imagine if his friends found out mommy was telling? He goes to to the only high school in our town, but I've considered driving him to a neighboring town that has a better school. He won't hear of that. We've encouraged him to look into martial arts because both his dad and I were involved in it as teens and it helped our confidence, etc. but he refuses to try it.

Does anyone have any experience with this or suggestions?

 

[happygirl]

I wouldn't let him change schools. I don't think running away from his problems is going to solve anything. That will only teach him that running from his problems is the answer for everyything. I would go to the school and see what you could find out if throws a fit then he better be telling you what's going on.

 

[powellrj]

I would let him do the dual enrollment. While he might not get into the college he wants to, in 2 years time, he may change his mind about the college he wants to attend anyway.

I don't see it as running away from his problems, I see it as a different way to handle a bad situation. As adults we can sometimes make a bad work situation better, so why can't our kids do the same thing with school.

 

[Planogirl]

Kids go through so many phases that it's hard to keep up sometimes. Are you sure that it's a case of bullying? He might just feel insecure or gawky right now and of course even mild teasing can be a really big deal to kids sometimes.

Our son is very quiet and a bit of a loner and always has been. I worry about him too but more because he's so happy doing his own thing a lot and I just hope that he isn't lonely. I try to be there and to help where I can but I realize that he has to figure out these things for himself even if it drives me crazy.

Now if it is bullying, that's a whole other issue. I would insist that he tell me and I'd threaten to talk to others if he won't tell you. No kid should have to endure bullying.

 

[JimmyPicker]

How can you help him if you don't know what the problem is? How can you advise him if you don't know what's going on?

You have to open up the lines of communication, whether he wants to or not. Maybe he would feel more comfortable opening up to someone else (dad, an uncle, a cousin his own age, etc).

 

[luvsJack]

I agree that you need to get him to open up. If he won't talk to any of the people already suggested, take him to a councelor or psychologist.

I would also allow him to do the dual enrollment. I agree that its not "running away", its just a different solution. Your concern, for now, must be with the emotional well being of your child and if the bullying is causing that much turmoil for him; he needs a solution now.

 

[Mermaid02]

I wouldn't let him change schools. I don't think running away from his problems is going to solve anything. That will only teach him that running from his problems is the answer for everyything. I would go to the school and see what you could find out if throws a fit then he better be telling you what's going on.

Sometimes "walking away" from a situation is the solution. If this bullying has gone on for a long time- it may not be possible to put an end to it completely.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I would let him do the dual enrollment. While he might not get into the college he wants to, in 2 years time, he may change his mind about the college he wants to attend anyway.

I don't see it as running away from his problems, I see it as a different way to handle a bad situation. As adults we can sometimes make a bad work situation better, so why can't our kids do the same thing with school.

I agree with this. He is almost an adult and soon will be responsible for all these decisions. It sounds like dual enrollment would be better for his emotional well-being, and that is huge, IMO. Make sure he understands all the ramifications, and if he still feels strongly about it, let him make the decision.

 

[princessmom29]

High school teacher here. I deal with this a lot from the perspective of a teacher, as I teach advanced/honors kids all day, and it is a tough one. On one hand they need to know that you care about waht is going on and are there for them regardless, but on the other they need you to JUST be there to listen and not to "fix it". I would encourgae him to give it another year in AP classes and find some kind of extracrricular that sparks his interest. kids who share a common interest are less likely to pick on one another. He might find someone he can connect with through something he likes doing. I think what he really needs right nowe are a couple of good friends who "get it". As a teacher i ask questions like "what do you like to do away from school?" ect, and then suggest the club that fits their interest, or I am just there to listen when the need to pour it all out. Knowing that you are there for him, and having a nonjudgmental place to air his feelings will go a long way.

 

[A4Disney]

I agree with this. He is almost an adult and soon will be responsible for all these decisions. It sounds like dual enrollment would be better for his emotional well-being, and that is huge, IMO. Make sure he understands all the ramifications, and if he still feels strongly about it, let him make the decision.

I agree with this

 

[cheermom1]

I have not read all the replies but I wanted to let you know from a person that was in is situation. I was your son when i was in school, I have to tell you I did change schools and moved in with my gma till my parents could move. It was the BEST thing I ever did!!! Now I'm not saying he should run from his problems but at the same time for me it was the school, it was a BAD school and they didn;t care about me at all. In fact the teachers and everyone that worked in the school did the same thing to me that the kids did. What I learned from my experience was that there are some bad schools and some good ones and some bad people and some good ones. Me changing schools CHANGED my life for the better. I learned that I was a good person that deserved friends and a great life. Before I moved I considered myself not worthy of anything or anyone and thought the world was better without me. I was pretty much a loner and never had friends or anything, I was lonely and thought I was nothing. But when I moved my whole world opened up and I realized the world had so much to offer and that it was not limited to just the people that were mean. I hope this made sense??

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm so sorry he is going through that.

On the academics...

AP is only as good as the AP score you get regardless of the grade in the class.

If the school he is interested in accepts a Community College course for transfer credit (i.e. say he was choosing between AP English or Dual Enrollment English as I did...)--then to me, it is a non-issue.

In FL, Dual Enrollment course work is totally accepted as transfer credit and figures into the GPA. AP course work does not and while my AP calc "counted" as a math requirement, I didn't get 3 or 4 hours for it. So I had to come up with another class to go in its place--many options, totally easy to do. (in that case, I had planned my entire high school career to get to Calc and wasn't about to take DE Algrebra in its place.)

So don't think of Dual Enrollment as a--he's bullied and dumbing down type of situation. It is far from that. I do feel that DE coursework is MUCH easier than AP coursework. But I also like that it is guaranteed credit as long as you do well in the class. AP coursework is not. I got a B in AP American Histroy and bombed the exam with a 2. There were items in my exam that did not even appear in my AP textbook.

So from that perspective--I wouldn't feel "bad" if he opts for Dual Enrollment.

That's too bad about the bullying and all I can offer for that is a .

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I have not read all the replies but I wanted to let you know from a person that was in is situation. I was your son when i was in school, I have to tell you I did change schools and moved in with my gma till my parents could move. It was the BEST thing I ever did!!! Now I'm not saying he should run from his problems but at the same time for me it was the school, it was a BAD school and they didn;t care about me at all. In fact the teachers and everyone that worked in the school did the same thing to me that the kids did. What I learned from my experience was that there are some bad schools and some good ones and some bad people and some good ones. Me changing schools CHANGED my life for the better. I learned that I was a good person that deserved friends and a great life. Before I moved I considered myself not worthy of anything or anyone and thought the world was better without me. I was pretty much a loner and never had friends or anything, I was lonely and thought I was nothing. But when I moved my whole world opened up and I realized the world had so much to offer and that it was not limited to just the people that were mean. I hope this made sense??

This made me cry!

 

[cheermom1]

This made me cry!

Thanks
It's ok, it's all good, I learned to be a very strong person b/c of this and for that I thank them and have. But I wanted the op to know that changing schools could be the best thing she could do for her son. It took my parents almost 2 years before they let me move. And that was b/c I was fed up and I just came home called my gma and started packing, my mom started to throw a fit but my dad saw that I NEEDED to get out of that school. I was only 14 when all this happened btw.

 

[horseshowmom]

I have not read all the replies but I wanted to let you know from a person that was in is situation. I was your son when i was in school, I have to tell you I did change schools and moved in with my gma till my parents could move. It was the BEST thing I ever did!!! Now I'm not saying he should run from his problems but at the same time for me it was the school, it was a BAD school and they didn;t care about me at all. In fact the teachers and everyone that worked in the school did the same thing to me that the kids did. What I learned from my experience was that there are some bad schools and some good ones and some bad people and some good ones. Me changing schools CHANGED my life for the better. I learned that I was a good person that deserved friends and a great life. Before I moved I considered myself not worthy of anything or anyone and thought the world was better without me. I was pretty much a loner and never had friends or anything, I was lonely and thought I was nothing. But when I moved my whole world opened up and I realized the world had so much to offer and that it was not limited to just the people that were mean. I hope this made sense??

This story illustrates why I have never understood why people say that changing the environment in some manner is teaching the child to run away from their problems. Sometimes the child is better off in a different environment, and I just don't see why they should suffer in the meantime.

That said, the fact that he doesn't want to change schools may complicate things some. If it were me and he wanted to do the dual enrollment, that's what I would go with. It may give him the out he needs.

 

[Tinkh]

As a mother of a fifteen year old son, my heart aches for you. Boys are so hard to get them to express what is happening in their lives. My son has always been a bit of a loner who has an aveerage popularity group of friends if that makes sense. Only a few of them does he even truly consider an actual friend. Just more habits to each other that have broken now.This year, he has his first real girlfriend and they are soooo close it scares me. Hate that his mood seems to depend on how they are getting along. Why now has he chosen to let someone in I will never know. This is the first year that I can literally just feel anxiety from him. College and high school and romance and drama of school. I just feel so bad for our teen boys. I would let him know that his first choice of school might not be attainable with the DE, but that if he makes that choice anyway that you support him no matter what. He is old enough to start making active choices in his future.

 

[RitaE]

I can't solve it for you but I can tell you that my oldest son just wasn't a "High Schooly" type of kid. He just didn't care about the football games or the Prom or any of that. I agreed to let him do Dual Enrollment and it was the best thing for him. He really took to hanging out at the "college" campus and being with older people.

I know you want him to do the AP classes but I was always kind of under the mindset of we'll do what's best for High School now and deal with College when it is time for College. I just see so many kids living their lives in misery all through High School because they want to rack up AP classes or whatever. It works out well for some, but it is not for every kid and I don't think anybody should be miserable for 4 years of their childhood just because it is going to look good on a College Application.

If his grades are that good he may not get into the College he is thinking of right now, but I'm betting he'll get in somewhere pretty good and it could be an even better situation for him.

 

[eliza61]

Forgive the long post. I am at my wit's end with what to do with this.

My son is 15 and a sophomore. From the day he was born there has not been an aggressive bone in his body. He had a group of friends that he hung out with until middle school, but the core group has pretty much moved away and I don't think they've been replaced. I have suspected for a while that he gets bullied or picked on at his school, but he won't admit to it. However, a friend is having a birthday party tonight that he has been looking forward to and suddenly he does not want to go. He admitted to me that kids picking on him is why, although he refuses to go into details.

Now he has to choose whether to do AP classes or dual enrollment for next year. The university he wants to attend is extremely difficult to get into and they have traditionally weighted AP classes more favorably, not to mention he needs extracurriculars, so staying at the high school would be best. However, he wants to do dual enrollment because he hates going to school. I hate it that this bullying is affecting his life choices.



Does anyone have any experience with this or suggestions?

oooh bullies make me so mad!! First I would definitely contact the school about this immediately. Try to keep supporting him no matter how tight lipped.

Right now I would probably be more concerned about his well being NOW, then what college he wants to go to. I'm sorry I can't help thinking about that poor girl who committed suicide from bullying. Maybe a bit extreme but that's the first thought in my mind.

 

[cheermom1]

oooh bullies make me so mad!! First I would definitely contact the school about this immediately. Try to keep supporting him no matter how tight lipped.

Right now I would probably be more concerned about his well being NOW, then what college he wants to go to. I'm sorry I can't help thinking about that poor girl who committed suicide from bullying. Maybe a bit extreme but that's the first thought in my mind.

I agree as this is where my mind was before I moved. SOO glad I did. As a matter of fact the first day at the new school I had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend and I was so shocked! We are still friends to this day!

 

[MelissaE1]

OP here... I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the thoughtful replies. They really helped me step back and view the situation from another angle. We are going to discuss it more tonight and I am going to encourage him to do what feels most comfortable to him. He is really focused on being accepted at his preferred college, but I appreciate being reminded that it's not the end of the world if that's not where he ends up, even if he thinks it is now. I know he will adapt well to college and it will likely be something he'll enjoy and remember no matter where he goes.

He has also opened up a little more to his dad about the kind of picking being done at school, so that's a start there, too.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply!