Teen Dating

[MushyMushy]

This is inspired by grinningghost's thread about her DD and dating.

When it comes to teens and dating, what are your thoughts? Let's say the teens are 15 and older. Do you feel that you should get involved to make sure your son or daughter doesn't hurt their bf or gf? How much guidance do you think you should provide? What age difference is acceptable to you? Would you be okay with an 18 yo boy with a 15 yo girl? 16? 17? What if the 18 yo is a girl? Does the age difference seem greater to you then?

I'll share my thoughts later.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I am hoping that my DD's never find an interest in dating.LOL.

Beig themom of daughter's i think it's so much harder. My biggest conern, though isn't so much in dating as it is in driving. The thought of them driving themselves or in a car with other kids scares more. I feel that i do have an open relationship with them now and hope to always keep the lines of communication open, If i try to control their lives too much it may backfire, but i hope that the way DH and i raise our daughte's, with high self esteem confidence and focus on life goals, that it will keep them in the right direction. I think that knowing who their friends are and their friend's parents that it will also be a huge help. I am not sure when i will let them start dating. It will all depend on their maturity level. Going in a boy's car or any friend's car is a big no no. I am a bit old fashioned but anyone dating my daughter will be coming to my home. We will need to meet him. My daughter's are my life, there is no way that i would ever let my daughter's get involved with anyone if I don't meet him first. I am hoping that having an open relationship with them that they will want to bring their boyfriend's around without me having to ask. As for an 18 year old boy with my 15 year old, no way, too much emotional and physical differences. I would hope that my 18 year old would not be interested in a 15 year old boy. That pretty much is not acceptable.

 

[Planogirl]

I believe in laying a good foundation and then remaining hands off as much as possible. I would also want to meet whoever DS is going places with, dating or otherwise, but I would also try to keep in mind that being in relationships at this age is a learning process and that everyone has to go through this to find that right someone eventually. I think that dating should be kept light and fun but I also know that teens tend to be emotional and to fall in and out of love a lot so there would only be so much that I could even attempt to control.

I hope that I'm making sense. I guess that it's all about setting up sensible boundaries and allowing wiggle room within those boundaries.

 

[poohandwendy]

I believe in laying a good foundation and then remaining hands off as much as possible. I would also want to meet whoever DS is going places with, dating or otherwise, but I would also try to keep in mind that being in relationships at this age is a learning process and that everyone has to go through this to find that right someone eventually. I think that dating should be kept light and fun but I also know that teens tend to be emotional and to fall in and out of love a lot so there would only be so much that I could even attempt to control.

I hope that I'm making sense. I guess that it's all about setting up sensible boundaries and allowing wiggle room within those boundaries.

Total sense to me, MTE.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I guess it would depend on the situation. If my DS turns 18 while he's a senior in HS and starts dating a 15 yo freshman girl, I guess I'd be ok with that.

TOV

 

[Michie]

I personally do not think it is a good idea for preteens/teens to have steady boyfriends/girlfriends. That is just my opinion!!!!! And I really don't understand why some parents allow their kids to spend so much time with their girlfriends/boyfriends. But that is not for me to question!!

I have 2 boys in college. They have never had a serious girlfriend. Their line of thinking is why deprive the rest of the women from their companionship Now let me make it perfectly clear, they are gentleman and are always very honest with girls, it is just they do not want to be tied down which seems to attract the girls even more

 

[Acklander]

I usually just try to keep the lines of communication open, and progress the conversation along the same lines as the relationship, so advice would depend on what was going on in their lives at the moment. I think I laid a good foundation. At first the kids preferred the "group dating" where a whole group of them go out together. Eventually it would swap to one on one dating. I think it's an important part of being a teenager. The age thing was never really an issue, since everyone my kids dated were within a couple of years of their own age. The only thing that had bothered me was whenever he would date overly controling or clingy girls, but usually that wouldn't last long so it became a moot point.

 

[Michie]

I guess it would depend on the situation. If my DS turns 18 while he's a senior in HS and starts dating a 15 yo freshman girl, I guess I'd be ok with that.

TOV

I on the other hand would hang mine from the highest tree.

 

[Acklander]

I really don't understand why some parents allow their kids to spend so much time with their girlfriends/boyfriends.

Who am I to get in the way of young love

 

[dmslush]

I guess it would depend on the situation. If my DS turns 18 while he's a senior in HS and starts dating a 15 yo freshman girl, I guess I'd be ok with that.

TOV

As the mother of a 15 year old dd, I'd be having your 18 year old son put in jail if at all possible!

 

[Planogirl]

Who am I to get in the way of young love

I agree plus I don't think you really can in some cases. I remember friends sneaking out or lying to see someone. I don't want to put my son in that position.

Besides, so often this great love they go on about is over with fairly quickly and then it's on to another great love. I fell in love at least a dozen times when I was a teen and I was considered detached.

 

[Planogirl]

I guess it would depend on the situation. If my DS turns 18 while he's a senior in HS and starts dating a 15 yo freshman girl, I guess I'd be ok with that.

TOV

I'd discourage it personally. Those years are a big difference at that age while not so much later. Girls are often more mature IMO but the experience might be lacking.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Having been through this with three teens, it's just so difficult. It's easy to judge but honestly if a teen has their mind made up about a particular boy/girl it will be difficult for the parents to break it up.
That said, we discouraged dating until they were older. Insisted initially on group dates. Always met the date, although eventually this becomes difficult as alot of things are in groups at informal get-togethers. Alot of kids don't do the whole, pick up a girl and go get dinner and a movie thing anymore.
I would have a real problem with the age difference thing. My dd would have found tha my lack of support would lead to more restrictions in free time. But, honestly the way things are it is very difficult to say you are never going to see that person again, and enforce it. It also, of course makes the person more desireable.
So, raise them the best you can. Delay dating as much as possible so they can gain maturity. Then pray your teaching sunk in somewhere.

 

[shortbun]

I'm going to become 'best friends' with any SO my son brings home. My best boy friends in high school were the ones with mothers and fathers who welcomed me into their home. Those relationships were the most wholesome. I plan to keep my son pretty busy in high school with activities and academics. He won't have time for too much dating but I will make sure he is polite, respectful and that his behavior is honorable. I will try to persuade him to seek out a young woman/or man who shares his values. There will be no coed sleepovers, no shared vacations. Plenty of time for those kinds of things once my child leaves my home. I hope all goes well in this area. I don't really spend much time thinking about it right now but I do have a plan.
Regarding age differences, I made it through HS with older boyfriends. Mine were at the most 2 years older than I was. Summer after senior year, I dated a boy 3 years older. We broke up because he lacked motivation for anything but me=boring. I like the wild and fun types, guys who had lots of friends and always something going on. If someone wanted to sit around watching TV and necking, I dumped them pretty quick because I didn't have time to waste. lol!

 

[disneyjunkie]

I personally do not think it is a good idea for preteens/teens to have steady boyfriends/girlfriends. That is just my opinion!!!!! And I really don't understand why some parents allow their kids to spend so much time with their girlfriends/boyfriends. But that is not for me to question!!

I have 2 boys in college. They have never had a serious girlfriend. Their line of thinking is why deprive the rest of the women from their companionship Now let me make it perfectly clear, they are gentleman and are always very honest with girls, it is just they do not want to be tied down which seems to attract the girls even more

I on the other hand would hang mine from the highest tree.

I agree with you on all points. I don't want my spending too much time with any one girl.

When he's 18, he'll be in college (October birthday). If he even looks at a 15year old girl, I'll knock his block off.

If I had a 15-year-old daughter and a 18- year- old tried to talk to her, the boy and his parents would get one warning. He can leave my daughter alone or risk spending the rest of his life labeled a sex offender.

 

[Freyja]

When teens have reached that age I don´t feel we as parents should get involved more than we do in their "daily-life". Of course it´s our job to teach them and guide them about life and we do so, but a part of life is getting your feeling hurts and falling in and out of love.

I wouldn´t have a problem with my 15 year old daughter dating a 18 year old guy, as long as he seemed a nice guy. I probably would feel the age difference was bigger if it was a 18 year old girl dating a 15 year old guy, because girl usually are more mature.

When I was 14 I dated a 21 year old guy. I was very mature and he was "not so". He always treated me well.

 

[Sparx]

I'm fifteen. My boyfriend is sixteen. We've been together for more than five months.

 

[horseshowmom]

My daughter wasn't allowed to date until she was 16. Fortunately, it really wasn't an issue, because she horseshowed extensively which meant being out of town a lot (either at a show or at the trainer). Most of her friends were in the horse show world.

Because we've spent so much time together (traveling in the truck, washing and tending to horses, staying in hotel rooms, etc.), we have a very open relationship and talk a lot about everything (including whatever boy she liked or was seeing at the time). I would say that she involves me in most of what goes on in her life. I am NOT her best friend (that's not my job), but I am her confidante in most ways.

As someone else said, the topics of the conversations depended on what was happening at the time. We talked about the goals that she has set for her life and how choices that you make as a teenager can impact those goals. Sometimes I had to sit back and let her learn some things for herself (one friend comes to mind that she had to learn on her own wasn't the friend that she thought she was - more of a user).

I didn't say, "Don't go parking!", but I did talk about how situations can get out of hand (even though those emotions were completely normal) and that sometimes we have to live with the consequences of actions that we wished we could change and how others can be hurt. Had the same discussion about alcohol and drugs (peer pressure seldom leads to the best choices for an individual). I didn't just bring these things up once, they came up numerous times as other kids she knew ran into some problems (talked about how they might could have avoided their situation).

If she decided the time had come to end a relationship, we talked about how she was going to do it (you don't just dump somebody and pretend like they never mattered - you owe them more than that). You play fair and treat them like you would want to be treated (you don't sneak around). Sometimes she was the one who was "hurt", and we talked about taking the high road and that you don't chase after guys. High drama was discouraged strongly .

She's 19, and the guy she's dating now is 23. They've been together for 2 1/2 years (except for a 6 month break up). We've never had a problem with the age difference because of the boy that he is (and the girl that she is). Their dates have always mostly consisted of going to get something to eat and then coming back to our house to watch a movie (generally back by 7:30 or 8:00). They're both involved in horses, so that's also a part.

Have I "picked" her dates? No. But I have on occasion told her when I thought somebody was unsuitable for her and why, and thus far, she's always taken that into account (probably because she knows we try to be fair and open minded).

 

[Liberty Belle]

As the mother of a 15 year old dd, I'd be having your 18 year old son put in jail if at all possible!

Um, I don't think you can be put in jail for taking someone (with their permission) to the movies. That is just bizarre to me. And besides if you didn't give your daughter permission to date someone and she snuck out, or whatever, anyway, wouldn't your beef be with her?

Sorry, I just don't understand this.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I agree with you on all points. I don't want my spending too much time with any one girl.

When he's 18, he'll be in college (October birthday). If he even looks at a 15year old girl, I'll knock his block off.

If I had a 15-year-old daughter and a 18- year- old tried to talk to her, the boy and his parents would get one warning. He can leave my daughter alone or risk spending the rest of his life labeled a sex offender.

For talking to someone?! I really must be missing something here.