Teen advice please - Am I being too strict?

[johnsontrio]

Your expectations are very similar to ours. We have a 15yo DD and she doesn't go anywhere with people we don't know, male or female. She does not go to homes of people that we have not met, unless it is a large party and I have at least spoken to one of the parents. If it is just a couple of kids, I am more comfortable if I have met the parents. It seems that problems seem to occur when there isn't a planned activity and the kids are just hanging out. By that I mean, the girls seem to get bored and fight with each other, etc... The big parties go OK.

The fact that you are having to call her instead of her calling you ( as the Mom of the girl doing the inviting) tells me that she is more lax in this area than you are. I doubt she will be providing the kind of supervision you are comfortable with. She may not even be planning to be home, much less supervising.

Parents have a different ideas about what type of supervision kids require and I don't blame you one bit for checking to see what her expectations are.

For example, one time DD was invited to a sleepover/pool party for the end of 7th grade. I called the Mom to ask the usual, Are adults are going to be there? Are there older kids that will be drinking? Is this boys and girls? Are they leaving to go anywhere else? Will anyone be driving them? At these last 2 questions she had me hold on while she asked her 7th grader "are y'all going to be going anywhere?" Needless to say that told me everything I needed to know about who is running the show at her house.. DD went for the pool party and came home, no sleepover.

And this is not about not trusting our kids. It is more about maintaining their safety and being consistent with our expectations for them. I trust DD to call me when she is away from home and something is not right. She is very good about this and she knows no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will come and get her.

Whenever you do talk to her, trust your instincts on this one.

 

[mjkacmom]

My dd is only almost 13, so we haven't dealt with this yet, but if she was 15, and asked if her boyfriend could come over, and I'd be home, it would never occur to me to call his parents. I would assume that if they were concerned I wouldn't be home, they'd call me.

 

[Buckalew11]

Glad you called. Make sure she will be home. Not just this time, but everytime. Parents often think their kids wouldn't do anything in their own home (out of respect and fear of getting caught should someone come home) and yet they do it all the time.

Protect your 15 yo son by giving him specific rules to follow such as being in her bedroom etc. Spell these things out--don't assume anything. Girls can be very aggressive at this age, probably different from what you remember when you were that age even. Make sure he doesn't put himself in a bad position or one to be accused of anything.I hear wild stories every week from my salon chair. People tell their hairdressers a lot (even teens!! LOL)

 

[HunnyPots]

No, you're not being too strict, unless of course you really want to become a grandma anytime soon! Two 15 year olds alone in anybody's house is not good! Supervise them at your house and make sure they are supervised at her house - you have every right to do so. Of course, it's not going to guarantee that they won't get into any trouble but you can reduce the chances pretty signifigantly.

 

[kellydizfan]

My DD 15 to be 16 in December has a friend - not boyfriend from what they say as there are many girls after DF. Good friends only. He is only allowed here when DH or I are at home. DD is not allowed to date until she is 16. We know the parents and are fine with it. She doesn't go over there to much - once in a great while will she go over there. He usually comes here. We took them along with the rest of us to Great Adventure and he is a pleasure to be around. I still don't trust them fully but I know how DD feels about the teen stuff and is very mature that way. I would definetly call and meet the parents prior to being dropped off, etc.

 

[MoniqueU]

i don't see what the problem is about her mom should call you. You're the one with questions about the day so why can't you call her?

No i wouldn't be happy with leaving them unsupervised, but i certainly would get all the details before i said no.

mte

 

[Planogirl]

I would talk to the Mom and then bring DS over to the girl's house once everything was set. Nothing wrong with you showing up when you drop him off just to meet the parents real quick IMO.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Oh Geez, I have a 15 DS and no girlfriend yet (THANK THE LORD, I am so not ready for THAT drama

Anyhoo, rule here for ANY guest/ is....adult needs to be home. I do not care who comes over, as long as either one of us parents are home, its fine by us.

Funny thing though...seems the kids like to hang HERE mostly and its probably because I feed and provide "snack/junk" and drinks....DS has his own game room and the kids generally hang in there (boys/girls)...it DOES have a door, a FRENCH one with GLASS so its pretty visible.
I think my "plan" of being the "comfy" house worked....what it costs me in food/snack/drinks is TOTALLY worth it to me........... I like being the "go to" house. They really are a nice bunch of kids.................but I put nothing past any of them...I was 15 once too, I married MY boyfriend (25 years soon!)

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Protect your 15 yo son by giving him specific rules to follow such as being in her bedroom etc. Spell these things out--don't assume anything. Girls can be very aggressive at this age, probably different from what you remember when you were that age even. Make sure he doesn't put himself in a bad position or one to be accused of anything.I hear wild stories every week from my salon chair. People tell their hairdressers a lot (even teens!! LOL)

Maybe I'm just sensitive because I'm the mother of a DD, but this really bothers me to no end. Why is it always the trampy girl who makes poor, innocent boys turn bad?

 

[friendofgusgus]

I wouldn't say you are being too strict, but I don't think you're putting a lot of faith in your DS.

I would go ahead and call the mom - but don't be too surprised if she doesn't see this as a big deal. If she'd going to be home and knows he's coming over, that's likely enough - especially for a first visit.

Any unwanted "activity" is most likely going to occur once some comfort has been established - or it will happen at a third party location such as the home of a friend with a working parent. Kids are inventive and will get their way if they truly want it - but I don't hear from you that your son has done anything that would make you suspicious.

Has he given you reasons to question his word before? Does he hang around with other kids you do not approve of? If he has always proven himself trustworthy before, it is dangerous to treat this situation as one in which he cannot possibly be trusted. There is an adolescent tendency to say, "Since they treat me like I'm doing it anyway, I might as well..." and that's not a place you want your family to go.

Also, if he has a "girlfriend," you need to have had more than one discussion with him about protecting himself. A teen pregnancy changes the lives of both teens involved and it's equally important to be sure a son is prepared just as well as you would a daughter.

 

[eliza61]

I have some stead fast rules that my kids are pretty use to. If you're strict than I probably seem positively cruel

1) no dating before 16. I have 2 sons 16 & 18. No one could have a steady girlfriend prior to 16
2) An adult must be home when hanging out. If I don't know the parents I must talk to a parent before "hanging out"
3) I have to know where you are going. "Out" is not an acceptable answer. If you can't provide a destination the "In" is my answer.

Personal, I don't really think all that much about trust. I tell my kids the same thing my parents told me when I screamed "don't you trust me" Yeah, I trust you, it's every body else I have a problem with. my house, my rules (see, told you I was cruel)

 

[johnsontrio]

No flames at all but to me the Mom is having your son over to get to know him, so why the warning bells? She sounds as cautious as you are, not permissive... this is probably a fact finding visit for her. I'm sure your DS, being a boy, asked for the info so you could put your mind at ease. Boys don't generally get the sub-text girls do so I wouldn't read anything into any communication that passes though him. The girls Mom's mind will be at ease since it's at her house so she has no reason to be uptight, KWIM.

Several posters have said that they are glad the Mom will be home. I have read and reread the original post and do not see where it states or even implies that there will be any parent there. Am I missing something?

 

[Shelton123]

I have some stead fast rules that my kids are pretty use to. If you're strict than I probably seem positively cruel

1) no dating before 16. I have 2 sons 16 & 18. No one could have a steady girlfriend prior to 16
2) An adult must be home when hanging out. If I don't know the parents I must talk to a parent before "hanging out"
3) I have to know where you are going. "Out" is not an acceptable answer. If you can't provide a destination the "In" is my answer.

Personal, I don't really think all that much about trust. I tell my kids the same thing my parents told me when I screamed "don't you trust me" Yeah, I trust you, it's every body else I have a problem with. my house, my rules (see, told you I was cruel)

I know a couple kids in my class (14) that have been dating for 1 1/2 years now but usually it doesn't last that long.

I would talk to the parent, probably. if she seems respectable and sensible, let him go over. If she is one of those completely non-caring parents, don't.

 

[Buckalew11]

Maybe I'm just sensitive because I'm the mother of a DD, but this really bothers me to no end. Why is it always the trampy girl who makes poor, innocent boys turn bad?

Because she is "trampy?"

Please do not be too sensitive to my comment. I have a 15yo non-trampy dd myself. Not all teen girls are agreesive but many are--probably more so than when you were that age. I had a guidance counselor tell me 2 yrs ago that the "13yo girls (8th graders) were so aggressive--that they'd never had a group quite like this one. They were aggressive towards each other, the boys and the upper classman."

Not all girls are like this but I think it'd surprise a lot of people to know who they know is.

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

Because she is "trampy?"

Please do not be too sensitive to my comment. I have a 15yo non-trampy dd myself. Not all teen girls are agreesive but many are--probably more so than when you were that age. I had a guidance counselor tell me 2 yrs ago that the "13yo girls (8th graders) were so aggressive--that they'd never had a group quite like this one. They were aggressive towards each other, the boys and the upper classman."

Not all girls are like this but I think it'd surprise a lot of people to know who they know is.

Yes, I think this is true. My cousin has a 15 year old DD and is shocked at how agressive the DD's friends are. Her DD is shy but her friends, not so much . My DD is 11, graduating from elementary school next week.... I am NOT looking forward to middle school drama! I think both girls and boys need to be taught the birds and the bees not once but in ongoing conversations, and be told that they should not engage in adult activity (sex) unless they are prepared to deal with the adult consequences.

 

[IDoDis]

We recently returned from WDW. On our way back to the airport riding ME, a family loaded on the bus from the GF. There was a teen girl with the family who must have been invited along. The young teen boy could do nothing else but stare at her, nuzzle into her, and kiss her over and over again. These two kids looked like they were my DD's age (age 13). They looked REALLY young to be that close. It made me wonder about a family allowing the boy's GF to come along with them on a trip at such a young age and allowing all of the closeness. We also saw them at the airport while we were waiting for our flight. They were sitting in some chairs making out and the parents were nowhere to be seen. Maybe they were older than they looked, but DD also felt they were her age. The parents seemed to be into their own conversations on the bus and paid no attention to the hot and heavy teens there, nor at the airport.

 

[Cindyluwho]

G
Protect your 15 yo son by giving him specific rules to follow such as being in her bedroom etc. Spell these things out--don't assume anything.

Thank you Buckalew for pointing that out. How does a kid know those kind of rules if no one ever tells him?
My DD15 had a boy over to help him with homework, the whole time he was here he kept talking about different girls he'd dated and why he broke up with them because they weren't good enough for him. When it was time to leave (also know as the time that I couldn't take anymore of his BS) he followed my DD into her bedroom and sat on her bed as she was grabbing her jacket. I followed him in there and asked him what in the world he was thinking going into a girl's bedroom? And then I informed him that I had a pair of antique gelding shears that I could use if I needed to. He never came back after that.....

 

[MoniqueU]

We recently returned from WDW. On our way back to the airport riding ME, a family loaded on the bus from the GF. There was a teen girl with the family who must have been invited along. The young teen boy could do nothing else but stare at her, nuzzle into her, and kiss her over and over again. These two kids looked like they were my DD's age (age 13). They looked REALLY young to be that close. It made me wonder about a family allowing the boy's GF to come along with them on a trip at such a young age and allowing all of the closeness. We also saw them at the airport while we were waiting for our flight. They were sitting in some chairs making out and the parents were nowhere to be seen. Maybe they were older than they looked, but DD also felt they were her age. The parents seemed to be into their own conversations on the bus and paid no attention to the hot and heavy teens there, nor at the airport.

See that right there would just FREAK ME OUT!!! I can't imagine one of my kids kissing anyone in front of me and having that be ok. My oldest is 16 and would probably love a girlfriend but nothing has clicked on both ends yet. I just can't imagine sitting down on a couch across from him watching him kiss some girl and not coming out of my skin. I get the supervise thing but seriously I will be up in my room making freaquent coffee, drink, rood runs rather then sitting there all night watching them cuddle and stuff. EEEWWWW

I also agree girls are more agressive nowadays. I have a DD that is 12 that thinks she is in high school and has more friends in high school now when she doesn't even go there then most kids that do go there. Anyway I can possily see her being aggressive if she really liked someone. She would have to REALLY like them as she is a pretty modest girl but she is also a go getter and very headstrong. We watch her like a hawk while still letting her do things that involve being in public places where we drop her off and pick her up rather then going to houses of people we don't know.

I also have a younger daughter that is going to have to toughen up. I can't even begin to see her in Jr High. She will probably be fine she gets along with everyone but I am just not sure what to think about her and boys, where as I know her sister has all the facts and won't make a rash decision. Older sister may make a decsion I don't agree with but she will put some thought into it first, I am not so sure with my youngest.

But I am still totally flipped out about any of my kids getting even casually intimate in front of me!!!

 

[Buckalew11]

Cindylouwho, you didn't??!! You did, didn't you?!! Too funny.

On Mother's day my 17yo nephew dropped by. He texted and said he was coming by. I was in DD's bedroom and she was oh so nicely painting my toenails for me for mother's day. Anyway, he comes in and I tell him to come on back and he stands there in the doorway of her bedroom, not about to walk in there. I had to invite him in about 3 times, telling him it was OK to come in there.
I think my sister has told him that rule!!!

Today, he said he saw his new girlfriend and they went for a walk at the park because his mom had not gotten home yet and he isn't allowed in his his house with girls there when an adult is not home. He is a definite rule follower.

I made my comment about aggressive girls because all too often everyone thinks of the boys as the aggressive ones. While they certainly can be, girls are too. It is just the way it is and we need to prepare our kids for it.

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

Did y'all see Juno? The part where she tells her parents she's pregnant, and when she leaves the room Alison Janney says to the dad, "now you know it wasn't the boy's idea"? Oy! Both DH and I were a little wigged out by the entire concept of a 15 yo mom, given that our DD is 11.