Team Goddess - Volume 11. Rocking 2012 Goddess Style!

[poppinspal]

I had NO ROOM to mourn. Why? Well I loved all of them immensely / they loved me and was in tremendous pain but I felt that Jean and her family and Jamie's mother and sister needed me more than I needed to mourn. Would I change that now? Probably, but in all honesty that's VERY difficult to change. I'm not even sure how I would have. So I get it.

* if you don't look after your feelings/mourning it doesn't go anywhere. SO COME HERE. You are lucky to have here to do what you need to do. And that includes all sort of emotions Megan. So don't judge them. It's no one's business how you feel and how you mourn so who cares what all those people can or can't understand.

All of us understand death here - I would guess. Here is where your mourning/pain is separate and YOURS Megan. And that's a very good thing. For you and for Brian and for your relationship to have a separate place. There are times I still look back and see that. I will never ever get over Jamie - and honestly have never mourned her for me - still. And T - well one can only imagine what came up with the transplant with Nathan.

This! This is exactly how I've felt and couldn't for the life of me figure out how to explain it to people. I had Brian's six year old niece they day he passed away. (her mom is not in the picture and they needed someone to watch her because of course her dad rushed to the hospital when he heard things weren't good) She didn't know what had happened and I wasn't the one who should tell her so I had to keep it all in. I feel like that set the tone for the rest of the week. That and I'd get up at seven and leave Brian's house at like 1am, just trying to make sure his mom didn't have to do anything.

I feel like I'm still trying to mourn and now I don't know how. It took me three days before I cried and now I just don't feel the tears coming. Now I feel like the feelings I'm having are all the wrong ones. Oh I'm sad but there are lots of moments of guilt over different things, I have those moments of feeling angry because if we(when) we get married and have kids Brian's father will never be there, he'll never tease me the way he teased my sister when she was pregnant. I'm not sure Brian has thought of this or maybe he just hasn't expressed it yet but for me that has been a strong part of all this. I just don't know how to process all this yet.

* Be VERY careful - the biggest lesson in getting through - know that everyone mourns very differently and *try* to respect that . Easier said than done. That I never saw coming. I found that that was such an incredibly difficult dynamic for a relationship. I can't even imagine what it's like for parents who lose a child - to be in pain and then deal differently as someone who was once their rock but maybe not emotionally available. And I'll tell you it's not easy to deal with that separate mourning outcomes no matter how much you love someone. Love doesn't care - and I mean that with an open heart. Mourning could be mean aloof. Mourning could mean be intense anger. Mourning could mean making plans for the future NOW. Mourning could be depression. Mourning could mean acting like nothing's wrong at all. Mourning could be constant agitation. For Jean - mourning was a quiet non-spoken but nonetheless loudly said "I have no interest in being around you Lisa at all - you're feeling T and Mama - and I don't want to feel so I'll go out and ignore it all and pretend I'm feeling nothing and have fun". Because it was hard to see me feel. And that's 100% fine. But hard when you're in pain too. I felt very alone. I'm not trying to be depressing Megan - just a head's up that loved ones (meaning Brian) can react like A when you're at Z.

Unfortunately a few years ago my aunt died very suddenly at 59. (See got sick and three weeks later was gone.) My sister and I struggled because she's the type to cry and be an emotional wreck. She walked up to me at the wake and told me she was mad I wasn't crying. I think that was when I realized how different we all are. So far Brian and I have been very lucky in that we handle it differently but we're more of a solid team now. I think instead of seeing our differences as bad we're looking at it as that's how we've gotten threw all this. He needed to have quiet time to reflect and I threw myself into doing everything that anyone needed. I'm very fortunate that he respected it. Even now it takes Brian a lot to get motivation to do something because he is just struggling to feel the desire to do anything while I want to do everything. I literally want to do so much that when my head hits the pillow at night I close my eyes and I'm asleep. We are definitely different people. We have learned a lot about each other and about our relationship during this.

So enough. I know you said maybe didn't even want for us to respond. I just wanted you to know that I realize how hard it is to manage when someone you loved and cared about dies suddenly but you're not the child or parent or sibling or spouse but you loved them intensely nonetheless. Your thoughts/feelings are valid and HERE is a great place.

Love to you my Megan.

No, I feel like I underestimated you girls, I should have known you guys would know what to say and make me feel supported. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the support. When I'm not with Brian I feel very alone and lost, I've felt like I didn't want to share any of my pain with people who just might not understand. One of my friends asked how I was and I said lonely. I think it's hard for people to understand feeling lonely when you're surrounded by lots of people(and preschoolers) every day. It makes me guard my emotions when I really want to yell at people that I'm in pain too and that I cared about him too. So I do appreciate all the support from everyone and the willingness from everyone here to listen and be judgement free.

This was a much longer response then I intended but the feelings were coming out so I went with them.

 

[poppinspal]

Thank you ladies for your support and love.

Kimberly- I can only imagine how hard that must have been at such a young age. I have to be very busy or distracted to not end a phone call to my family with I love you. Thank you for the reminder of why its so important.

Nancy- Very exciting for Becca to have her license. I saw the Warrior Dash pictures on facebook and read your report. Looks like you had fun. Are you doing another Warrior Dash in the fall? I'm considering doing a Spartan Race in August. Wait I just thought of something... is it goat cheese you're selling? I just saw a big thing on tv about some company selling goat cheese in Vermont and people raving about how amazing goat cheese is. Sorry that randomly popped into my head.

Lisa- Maybe I'll have to wear my Italian soccer jersey to work today. (Since I didn't feel too proud to wear it during the last World Cup. And I have a job where I can wear those types of things.) But really are you as excited for the Olympics as I am? Have I told you how I am obsessed with the Olympics? It's bad.

Kelly- I have a kid in my class who is from England. They are leaving Saturday to spend three weeks visiting family over there. I keep begging them to take me. I was thinking of you the other day when the dad was telling me about their plans for the three weeks.

Life is moving on. (Funny how it does that even when you don't think it should.) I'm really trying to plan more races because they fuel me and make me so happy. I'm looking at doing a Spartan Race and then a half marathon sometime in the fall. I'm also eagerly awaiting the registration for next years Tough Mudder, I'm dying to do another. I need to loose 3lbs more to get to where I was before everything happened with Brian's father. (I already lost 3.) Then I have 5 on top of that to get to my goal. So for those talking about weight loss, consider me in on your party.

Ok I should get going, I've rambled on enough for one morning. Have a terrific Friday everyone.

 

[DisneyGalUK]

Kelly- I have a kid in my class who is from England. They are leaving Saturday to spend three weeks visiting family over there. I keep begging them to take me. I was thinking of you the other day when the dad was telling me about their plans for the three weeks.

Ooh where are they visiting?

Lisa & Liz - It's hard isn't it. Some days I curse and think why us, why do we have to watch my Grandad suffer with this horrible disease, and other days I think that someone up there must believe we can cope with it. Its just awful, watching someone who has been such a powerful, opinionated, strong, intelligent, boisterous man sit there and ask my brother who the child is that he's brought, is he babysitting for someone when all the time he is talking about my niece. Or to watch over him on a bad day while he eats incase he forgets to chew properly, or forgets how to sit up.

It sucks, big time, but for me it is just a suck it up and get on with it because its my Grandad, its my Dads Dad, its the man who has been my Mums 'Dad' for longer than she had her own Dad - and despite how hard it is on a day to day basis, and how heartbreaking it can be, there are still lots and lots of good days and I'm thankful every day that he is still here.

OK, so after all our talk of losing people, and taking care of our elders etc I feel like even though this is weird I can admit it here - I know I've mentioned before that my Mum lost both her parents very early on, so I never met them. She's from a relatively small family so the majority of the elders on my Mums side were long gone before I was born.

On my dads side I had 2 great-grandmothers who we lost when I was 10, but since then (and this is the part that I find both a huge blessing and quite odd) - until my Uncle died at the beginning of this year...no-one in my family has died. The time between my great-grandmother dying and my Uncle was 20 years.

So...while I know that people get older, and the unexpected can and does happen, I feel that I am woefully underprepared for losing a family member.

I know I am babbling (which happens a lot) but I have had my Grandma and Grandad for 30 years, all of my Aunts and Uncles for 30 years, I have 3 great Aunts and a great Uncle.....as odd as it sounds, no-one dies. So like I said, I don't think that people live forever, my Grandad is 84 this year and my Grandma is 80 so it will happen one day but I know that I am not prepared for it. Not that anyone is ever prepared for a death in the family but I have been extraordinarily lucky for 30 years and I just don't know how I would react...
The closest person to me that has died in that time (before my Uncle) was my best friends Dad, who passed when we were 15.

So my point is, after a babbling session that Lisa will be proud of, is that I am weird, very very weird.

Hope you all have a great day

 

[AKASnowWhite]

So...while I know that people get older, and the unexpected can and does happen, I feel that I am woefully underprepared for losing a family member.

Kelly, I am right there with you. I feel that I have been extremely blessed thus far and pray that I will continue to be for a good long while .

 

[AKASnowWhite]

Happy Monday everyone!

It's hot, hot, hot here! Then again, it's summer so what exactly do I expect?

 

[Twoboysnmygirl]

Meg, I'm so sorry for your loss. It makes perfect sense how you are feeling, it's a lot of pressure and a big load for you to try to carry everyone else who is falling apart!

Congrats to Becca! Dylan just turned 18 yesterday and STILL doesn't have his license! I'm having enough issues with being the mother of an 18 year old, but driving might put me over the edge! I'll wait it out until my boys are actually interested in driving, might buy me another year or so!

Life is crazy and HOT here! Lots of work and I'm trying to keep up.

 

[HockeyKat]

Meg - .

Just a brief dropin. I am home this week but will be back to Toronto through Aug 10th.

Hot here too. We hit 106 on Fri/Sat.

Btw, I MET LISA!! Just sayin'. And it was awesome.

 

[poppinspal]

So it was a very emotional weekend. Brian was having a tough time and Sunday was the one year anniversary mass for my grandfather. BUT on the plus side I have two days off then I'm spending the rest of the week with Brian for the holiday week.

Oh and tonight I signed up for a Spartan Race that takes place in August. A girl I do boot camp with is doing it so I'm going to do with her. I'm excited because it's shorter then Tough Mudder so I feel like I'll get to run it but won't be as tired for the after party.

 

[poppinspal]

Btw, I MET LISA!! Just sayin'. And it was awesome.

Awwww I'm excited for you guys/jealous.

 

[HockeyKat]

Awwww I'm excited for you guys/jealous.

I'll be in Toronto Sun night-Thurs night for the next 5 weeks (not including this one), so I am sure we will get together again. You are welcome to road trip.

 

[lisaviolet]

Have to catch up. Busy with Mom. Busy with life. Lovely day - 91 and sunny. And Indy cars are practising already - hot as well! I can hear them on my terrace.

Weigh in - be careful what you wish for - . What did I say - "I would be happy with a maintain for the summer". Crap. Well it's .9. Will return.

 

[AKASnowWhite]

Btw, I MET LISA!! Just sayin'. And it was awesome.

Super jealous!!!

Oh and tonight I signed up for a Spartan Race that takes place in August. A girl I do boot camp with is doing it so I'm going to do with her. I'm excited because it's shorter then Tough Mudder so I feel like I'll get to run it but won't be as tired for the after party.

Seth signed up for the Spartan Beast! That's supposed to be the hardest of the Spartan series - and WORSE than the Tough Mudder But, he's young. And crazy

Stephen and I are running away for the weekend. Headed to Southern Vermont. I'm not exactly sure what our agenda will be, but I do know that canoeing on the Batten Kill river is in the plans!

 

[lisaviolet]

WHAT?!?!? How did the link not work. HOW! Oh Lisa. The song. You would LOVE it

Nancy! Did Becca decide? It's killing me and I didn't birth her. . And try the link again for me.

Congrats to Becca
Have some wine Nancy, that will make you feel better

Jo Jo! Can't find the bloody love icon so I'll have to give you flowers instead. Don't tell your husband.

Cheese. See, that's the big thing right now. The people, they wants their cheese So we must make it. And sell it. And my SIL is going in for hip replacement surgery (yeah. She's the same age as Jean) and thus I get busier....partly because I love it and partly because I love HER. She needs help, really NEEDS help right now. And you can't just trust *anyone* with your families livelihood. So. "not busy" is not an option. It just is. And will be for a while.

Listen, I truly truly believe that the most beautiful part of loving someone is what you're doing. Stepping in and simply DOING. No better way of showing your love. Good on you Nancy.

And I see that you're on the balance part with your jaunt this weekend!!!! Yeah.

This was a much longer response then I intended but the feelings were coming out so I went for it.

And that's exactly why you come here.

I understand Megan and your post brought up a lot for me in tandem.

Thank you ladies for your support and love.

Kimberly- I can only imagine how hard that must have been at such a young age. I have to be very busy or distracted to not end a phone call to my family with I love you. Thank you for the reminder of why its so important.

Nancy- Very exciting for Becca to have her license. I saw the Warrior Dash pictures on facebook and read your report. Looks like you had fun. Are you doing another Warrior Dash in the fall? I'm considering doing a Spartan Race in August. Wait I just thought of something... is it goat cheese you're selling? I just saw a big thing on tv about some company selling goat cheese in Vermont and people raving about how amazing goat cheese is. Sorry that randomly popped into my head.

Lisa- Maybe I'll have to wear my Italian soccer jersey to work today. (Since I didn't feel too proud to wear it during the last World Cup. And I have a job where I can wear those types of things.) But really are you as excited for the Olympics as I am? Have I told you how I am obsessed with the Olympics? It's bad.

Kelly- I have a kid in my class who is from England. They are leaving Saturday to spend three weeks visiting family over there. I keep begging them to take me. I was thinking of you the other day when the dad was telling me about their plans for the three weeks.

Life is moving on. (Funny how it does that even when you don't think it should.) I'm really trying to plan more races because they fuel me and make me so happy. I'm looking at doing a Spartan Race and then a half marathon sometime in the fall. I'm also eagerly awaiting the registration for next years Tough Mudder, I'm dying to do another. I need to loose 3lbs more to get to where I was before everything happened with Brian's father. (I already lost 3.) Then I have 5 on top of that to get to my goal. So for those talking about weight loss, consider me in on your party.

Ok I should get going, I've rambled on enough for one morning. Have a terrific Friday everyone.

SPARTAN RACE!!!! Lisa can not wait. Or for the Olympics - can hear the beginning already. Nah NAH na nah.....

Ooh where are they visiting?

Lisa & Liz - It's hard isn't it. Some days I curse and think why us, why do we have to watch my Grandad suffer with this horrible disease, and other days I think that someone up there must believe we can cope with it. Its just awful, watching someone who has been such a powerful, opinionated, strong, intelligent, boisterous man sit there and ask my brother who the child is that he's brought, is he babysitting for someone when all the time he is talking about my niece. Or to watch over him on a bad day while he eats incase he forgets to chew properly, or forgets how to sit up.

It sucks, big time, but for me it is just a suck it up and get on with it because its my Grandad, its my Dads Dad, its the man who has been my Mums 'Dad' for longer than she had her own Dad - and despite how hard it is on a day to day basis, and how heartbreaking it can be, there are still lots and lots of good days and I'm thankful every day that he is still here.

OK, so after all our talk of losing people, and taking care of our elders etc I feel like even though this is weird I can admit it here - I know I've mentioned before that my Mum lost both her parents very early on, so I never met them. She's from a relatively small family so the majority of the elders on my Mums side were long gone before I was born.

On my dads side I had 2 great-grandmothers who we lost when I was 10, but since then (and this is the part that I find both a huge blessing and quite odd) - until my Uncle died at the beginning of this year...no-one in my family has died. The time between my great-grandmother dying and my Uncle was 20 years.

So...while I know that people get older, and the unexpected can and does happen, I feel that I am woefully underprepared for losing a family member.

I know I am babbling (which happens a lot) but I have had my Grandma and Grandad for 30 years, all of my Aunts and Uncles for 30 years, I have 3 great Aunts and a great Uncle.....as odd as it sounds, no-one dies. So like I said, I don't think that people live forever, my Grandad is 84 this year and my Grandma is 80 so it will happen one day but I know that I am not prepared for it. Not that anyone is ever prepared for a death in the family but I have been extraordinarily lucky for 30 years and I just don't know how I would react...
The closest person to me that has died in that time (before my Uncle) was my best friends Dad, who passed when we were 15.

So my point is, after a babbling session that Lisa will be proud of, is that I am weird, very very weird.

Hope you all have a great day

Kelly - my God where are all my beloved icons!!!!!!!!!

Kelly, it was wonderful to read how lucky you've been. I've lost grandparents early and aunts and uncles. But I have been totally blessed with my immediate family. I know that wasn't your entire point of writing though.

And I can only imagine how scary it all is with how lovingly close you are.

(I'm rambled on and on and edited Kelly. I'm way too emotional right now)

____________________________________________________________

KELLY - Olympics - please share all the excitement and the smack of course!

 

[lisaviolet]

Meg, I'm so sorry for your loss. It makes perfect sense how you are feeling, it's a lot of pressure and a big load for you to try to carry everyone else who is falling apart!

Congrats to Becca! Dylan just turned 18 yesterday and STILL doesn't have his license! I'm having enough issues with being the mother of an 18 year old, but driving might put me over the edge! I'll wait it out until my boys are actually interested in driving, might buy me another year or so!

Life is crazy and HOT here! Lots of work and I'm trying to keep up.

A hot looking mother of an 18 year old Karen!!!!

Still hot there? I hope it's subsided a wee bit.

Meg - .

Just a brief dropin. I am home this week but will be back to Toronto through Aug 10th.

Hot here too. We hit 106 on Fri/Sat.

Btw, I MET LISA!! Just sayin'. And it was awesome.

And Jean. And Frankie (Frankie is doing okay - I don't know if he's healthy - but at this point in his old age I rather not know). And Neville. Kat got bombarded!!

Kat, hope it's subsided a bit with the 100s. It's 92 here but your arrival brings 78 - it's like you have the power!

So it was a very emotional weekend. Brian was having a tough time and Sunday was the one year anniversary mass for my grandfather. BUT on the plus side I have two days off then I'm spending the rest of the week with Brian for the holiday week.

Oh and tonight I signed up for a Spartan Race that takes place in August. A girl I do boot camp with is doing it so I'm going to do with her. I'm excited because it's shorter then Tough Mudder so I feel like I'll get to run it but won't be as tired for the after party.

Hope you're having fun Megan.

Awwww I'm excited for you guys/jealous.

Listen missy - I don't live THAT far from you. ROAD TRIP it Megan!

I'll be in Toronto Sun night-Thurs night for the next 5 weeks (not including this one), so I am sure we will get together again. You are welcome to road trip.

Kat beat me to it.

And Kelly - you might want to row your boat because me and Kat are doing Indian next. We did Korean barbeque.

And the city is full of everything. The last days of Pride were - as always - an incredible street party full of gays, straights and everything in between. Always wonderful. Then we walked right into Jazzfest. And then Canada Day lovely food and such. The Indy is on this weekend right behind me - I'll hear the buzzing all weekend. I would be there right now but no amount of sunscreen will protect me from this sun. CRAP. I watched through a whole of the fence and let's just say the Vroom Vroom is almost as good as a date.

And just got back from a couple of days at M and Ds. Dad hurt his back. But Mom seems better with hers. Still shuffling and walker but balance is better. She seemed like a light switch was off yesterday - I hate those days - they're are emotion drainers of all the days. SIGHING.

And my niece is in from Nairobi for five weeks. Yeah. And we were all together yesterday (car show my dad runs one in Uxbridge - like you know where that is!!! Funny me ) and having Jean's here this weekend. About 14 of us in 400 square feet!

Super jealous!!!



Seth signed up for the Spartan Beast! That's supposed to be the hardest of the Spartan series - and WORSE than the Tough Mudder But, he's young. And crazy

Stephen and I are running away for the weekend. Headed to Southern Vermont. I'm not exactly sure what our agenda will be, but I do know that canoeing on the Batten Kill river is in the plans!

Ummm ROAD TRIP HERE. What is wrong with you people?

Have fun Nancy! Nothing better than a spontaneous weekend away. Good on you.

 

[lisaviolet]

I'm not weighing alone AGAIN, am I? This is ridiculous - the girl that doesn't even believe in weighing in. Too funny. Come on - that's insane. The only reason I am because I know that something since the operation has definitely changed so I'm having to work differently/harder. And very grumpy out that.

 

[cantwaitvaca09]

HI All!
It is hot in Chicago today 103* without the heat index

I have not read everything, I am just dropping in to say Hi!

 

[lisaviolet]

HI All!
It is hot in Chicago today 103* without the heat index

I have not read everything, I am just dropping in to say Hi!

Hi Jo. Hit 96 today - we're lucky we just have snuck on the other side of the front all week.

Hope it subsides for you too.

 

[Twoboysnmygirl]

I'm not weighing alone AGAIN, am I? This is ridiculous - the girl that doesn't even believe in weighing in. Too funny. Come on - that's insane. The only reason I am because I know that something since the operation has definitely changed so I'm having to work differently/harder. And very grumpy out that.

I haven't weighed (which is totally unusual for me) but I'm trying to stay on track. Everything is crazy here...Rey hurt his back at work. Heard a pop and excruciating pain in his lower back. He tried to just rest for a week where he was (Washington) but when he tried to go back to work, it got even worse. We had to fly him home and he has an MRI on Tuesday, they think he slipped/ruptured a disc. Soooo, I have been petsitting like mad still, trying to take care of him (he's stubborn and won't stay down! gah!) and trying to figure out how screwed we are going to be if we file for workers comp. I'm just unsure of how this will effect us in the future, but it seems like this is going to be a while to recover (it happened on 6/20) and we will eat our savings up probably by the beginning of August with no income other than my petsitting. Sorry, I just kinda dumped that, but that's what is going on here!

HI All!
It is hot in Chicago today 103* without the heat index

I have not read everything, I am just dropping in to say Hi!

The heat wave here is out of control! I cannot remember a year it was worse (which is good b/c I think they are saying we are breaking most records from the "dust bowl" and I wasn't born back then) We've had over 100 degrees for over a week now...last summer we never hit 100 even once! It's drought here, we didn't shoot any fireworks and a lot of places in MO canceled b/c of the danger of fire. We did finally get some rain last night briefly, but we need more!

 

[poppinspal]

Hi Ladies! Just got back from a mini vacation to Vermont. I will catch up soon but I wanted to share here...

My sister is potentially getting married in Disney. As long as my brother can get the time off from work it's a go. She doesn't like to be the center of attention so she wanted something small in terms of a ceremony. They have planned a sort of reception but she had always planned to do the ceremony separately with just immediate family and their daughter of course. My parents wanted to do a family trip to Disney so... Voila the idea was born.

Very exciting

 

[lisaviolet]

I haven't weighed (which is totally unusual for me) but I'm trying to stay on track. Everything is crazy here...Rey hurt his back at work. Heard a pop and excruciating pain in his lower back. He tried to just rest for a week where he was (Washington) but when he tried to go back to work, it got even worse. We had to fly him home and he has an MRI on Tuesday, they think he slipped/ruptured a disc. Soooo, I have been petsitting like mad still, trying to take care of him (he's stubborn and won't stay down! gah!) and trying to figure out how screwed we are going to be if we file for workers comp. I'm just unsure of how this will effect us in the future, but it seems like this is going to be a while to recover (it happened on 6/20) and we will eat our savings up probably by the beginning of August with no income other than my petsitting. Sorry, I just kinda dumped that, but that's what is going on here!



The heat wave here is out of control! I cannot remember a year it was worse (which is good b/c I think they are saying we are breaking most records from the "dust bowl" and I wasn't born back then) We've had over 100 degrees for over a week now...last summer we never hit 100 even once! It's drought here, we didn't shoot any fireworks and a lot of places in MO canceled b/c of the danger of fire. We did finally get some rain last night briefly, but we need more!

My God Karen - wow - that just sucks. There is no way around it. I hope that he recovers as quickly as possible. I'm very sorry. Frustrated for you.

Our weather just broke. Many hot nights - tonight felt almost chilly in comparison to the hot hot nights we've had for the last week.

Hi Ladies! Just got back from a mini vacation to Vermont. I will catch up soon but I wanted to share here...

My sister is potentially getting married in Disney. As long as my brother can get the time off from work it's a go. She doesn't like to be the center of attention so she wanted something small in terms of a ceremony. They have planned a sort of reception but she had always planned to do the ceremony separately with just immediate family and their daughter of course. My parents wanted to do a family trip to Disney so... Voila the idea was born.

Very exciting

I don't know how I would ever get married. I'm like your sister - with the center of attention.

Whoops, your post isn't about me.

Let us know all about it Megan - maybe this wedding post will bring on the LIZ!!!!