Team Focker Watch Chat - Good Grief We Talk A Lot! Part 5

[HomeschoolMama]

Ladies just got back from my moms and have not caught up yet. I just needed to post as I am so upset I am in tears. I can't even hardly type it I am so upset and angry and mad. My family just makes me want to scream. My brother is so self centered at times and I am a bad sister and Aunt any time I want to say no to watching my niece. I have had my niece since last night at Chuck E Cheese. I thought my brother and wife would be there but they basically dropped her off and went and had some fun. My mom kept an eye on her until her and her friend left and I had to teens with me who were a life saver when the keys were locked in the car, a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Now I still have her today because when I planned on taking her home this morning my mom said wait and see what my brother had planned. Well he is now headed to Lansing and will pick her up later. I then told mom that if he has plans of leaving her with us at the beach tomorrow to say no if she is not going to be the one watching her. I am now a bad Aunt and because I do not want to have her one more day. He and his wife come down to my moms and always leave her while they shop and I am just expected to help. Yet I manage to take my son with me and her when I shop. This probably doesn't make sense as I am upset and just typing.

I'm sorry. It's so hard sometimes to deal with family. I've been told I'm selfish so many times. What my mom really meant by that is that I'm not doing what she wanted. That's not selfish- that's doing what's best for my family. That's my job, not making sure my family is happy with me.
It's not fair for them to just shove their kid off on you for days on end. It's their responsibility to care for her. Stand up for yourself and reject their ugly remarks. You know you're a great person. Don't let them tell you your anything less than fabulous.

 

[Goofyluver]

That's what I'm saying about my nephew. I just try and be a good influence when I see him and expect him to behave when he's with me. Of course, when my Bro & SIL are here too, I just have to ignore it all. SIL would go off on me and cut me off, so I just try to limit how much interaction we have with them.
It stinks to be close to someone and not be able to tell them the truth in love for fear of losing them. I'm sorry you're going through so much right now.

That's kind of what I feel like.

It's tough for anyone that age to move. We moved when B was in 4th grade and it was a good year before she was happy to live where we are now. It's a bad age for changes. Their self-esteem is so tied in to their friends and activites that it's devastating to uproot them.

I get accused of being too protective (to a fault) of my kids too. You just have to let it roll off of you. No one knows your kids the way you do. If you make a decsion that's best for him, then that's the way it is no matter what someone else says. It's so hateful for her to say you're not doing what's best for him.

Thanks.

 

[Goofyluver]

Ladies just got back from my moms and have not caught up yet. I just needed to post as I am so upset I am in tears. I can't even hardly type it I am so upset and angry and mad. My family just makes me want to scream. My brother is so self centered at times and I am a bad sister and Aunt any time I want to say no to watching my niece. I have had my niece since last night at Chuck E Cheese. I thought my brother and wife would be there but they basically dropped her off and went and had some fun. My mom kept an eye on her until her and her friend left and I had to teens with me who were a life saver when the keys were locked in the car, a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Now I still have her today because when I planned on taking her home this morning my mom said wait and see what my brother had planned. Well he is now headed to Lansing and will pick her up later. I then told mom that if he has plans of leaving her with us at the beach tomorrow to say no if she is not going to be the one watching her. I am now a bad Aunt and because I do not want to have her one more day. He and his wife come down to my moms and always leave her while they shop and I am just expected to help. Yet I manage to take my son with me and her when I shop. This probably doesn't make sense as I am upset and just typing.

Well, it's been a tough couple of days on the Focker Watch thread.

It's horrible to be taken advantage of. And you're not off base.

 

[HomeschoolMama]

That's kind of what I feel like.
Thanks.

I'm so glad we could all be here for each other these past few days. We're so lucky to have each other.

 

[dreamn_Disney]

I'm sorry. It's so hard sometimes to deal with family. I've been told I'm selfish so many times. What my mom really meant by that is that I'm not doing what she wanted. That's not selfish- that's doing what's best for my family. That's my job, not making sure my family is happy with me.
It's not fair for them to just shove their kid off on you for days on end. It's their responsibility to care for her. Stand up for yourself and reject their ugly remarks. You know you're a great person. Don't let them tell you your anything less than fabulous.

Thanks. I just get so upset. It is like I am stuck. If we are at my moms house I have to either A) leave with just my son making him, dn, and my mom upset. B) stick around my moms so ds can play with her. or C) Take her to my house so they can play together. But lets just say if I went over to moms and said oh good since you are here db with your kids I will just leave ds while I go and do something. I would here about how dsil doesn't ever get a break from the kids and they never get to go out and do anything. Like I am out all the time. Most of the time if I leave with out kids it is because I left ds with dd. Why if dsil needs a break can't my brother take care of the kids. Why is it so much harder for them to do something with there 2 kids than it is for me to do things with my son and the girl I nanny. It isn't even that they do this all the time. It is just that when I do not want to go along with their plans I am made out to be the bad guy. My brother practically ignores my ds now that he has a son but no one says any thing to him. I think this it what is actually bugging me the most right now. My ds wants a dad so bad he has made up an imaginary one. My heart just breaks when he starts telling his stories of all the things he does with his dad. Deep inside I feel if my brother would take few days a month and spend some time with him my son would have that male bonding he needs. But my brother is way to busy for that. When I got to Chucky E Cheese yesterday I asked him to spend some time with ds. My brother said it would have to be quick because him and his wife were leaving. I told him not to bother my son needed a little more than just a hi and a hug. I know it is not my brothers job to be my sons dad. So why is it my job to help them with their kids?

Also if anyone can give me an idea of what to do about my ds and his imaginary daddy I would be very grateful as I am at a loss. I just tell him that his dad lives far away and can't be with him. Ds thinks his dad is mad at him because he did something bad. I have an Uncle that spends some time with him about twice a year and my cousin took him fishing this summer but that just doesn't seem like enough for a little boy.

Sorry to dump this all on you guys but I just needed to get some of this out of me before I exploded.

 

[jcc0621]

What if it was someone that you couldn't get away from?? You can't just cut them off.



We are pretty much packed. Just have to shower and I'm going to lunch with a friend, and then I'm leaving.



I can't believe she is saying these things. I have to calm down...before I say something very hateful back. Jon's in the shower, so I'm on here...before I explode.

I told her she crossed the line...and left it at that.



And she's right, in a way. Jon doesn't do big changes well. He has a hard time like most kids. I moved him from one elementary school to another when he was in 4th grade...and that was really tough. This move has been tough. Big changes are hard for all kids though.

But, to accuse me of harming my child.

Hell no.



We're leaving...asap.

Enjoy lunch with your friend. What did Jon say when you told him you were moving back home. Was he okay with it???

Ladies just got back from my moms and have not caught up yet. I just needed to post as I am so upset I am in tears. I can't even hardly type it I am so upset and angry and mad. My family just makes me want to scream. My brother is so self centered at times and I am a bad sister and Aunt any time I want to say no to watching my niece. I have had my niece since last night at Chuck E Cheese. I thought my brother and wife would be there but they basically dropped her off and went and had some fun. My mom kept an eye on her until her and her friend left and I had to teens with me who were a life saver when the keys were locked in the car, a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Now I still have her today because when I planned on taking her home this morning my mom said wait and see what my brother had planned. Well he is now headed to Lansing and will pick her up later. I then told mom that if he has plans of leaving her with us at the beach tomorrow to say no if she is not going to be the one watching her. I am now a bad Aunt and because I do not want to have her one more day. He and his wife come down to my moms and always leave her while they shop and I am just expected to help. Yet I manage to take my son with me and her when I shop. This probably doesn't make sense as I am upset and just typing.

It makes complete sense. We have Jimmy who is 4 and my BIL and SIL and have Andrew who is 14. We don't really get to go out too often becasue we don't really have a baby sitter, however they got mad at us because I refused to let Andrew stay with us for the weekend when they wanted to go to the shore for Irish weekend. IT was weekend that we had several things planned FOR Jimmy, and I didn't feel like I should have to alter those plans becasue they wanted to go drinking Of course my MIL made snide comments about how they "never" get to go anywhere, etc...I just ignored her and moved on.

Sorry to dump this all on you guys but I just needed to get some of this out of me before I exploded.

 

[Goofyluver]

Thanks. I just get so upset. It is like I am stuck. If we are at my moms house I have to either A) leave with just my son making him, dn, and my mom upset. B) stick around my moms so ds can play with her. or C) Take her to my house so they can play together. But lets just say if I went over to moms and said oh good since you are here db with your kids I will just leave ds while I go and do something. I would here about how dsil doesn't ever get a break from the kids and they never get to go out and do anything. Like I am out all the time. Most of the time if I leave with out kids it is because I left ds with dd. Why if dsil needs a break can't my brother take care of the kids. Why is it so much harder for them to do something with there 2 kids than it is for me to do things with my son and the girl I nanny. It isn't even that they do this all the time. It is just that when I do not want to go along with their plans I am made out to be the bad guy. My brother practically ignores my ds now that he has a son but no one says any thing to him. I think this it what is actually bugging me the most right now. My ds wants a dad so bad he has made up an imaginary one. My heart just breaks when he starts telling his stories of all the things he does with his dad. Deep inside I feel if my brother would take few days a month and spend some time with him my son would have that male bonding he needs. But my brother is way to busy for that. When I got to Chucky E Cheese yesterday I asked him to spend some time with ds. My brother said it would have to be quick because him and his wife were leaving. I told him not to bother my son needed a little more than just a hi and a hug. I know it is not my brothers job to be my sons dad. So why is it my job to help them with their kids?

Also if anyone can give me an idea of what to do about my ds and his imaginary daddy I would be very grateful as I am at a loss. I just tell him that his dad lives far away and can't be with him. Ds thinks his dad is mad at him because he did something bad. I have an Uncle that spends some time with him about twice a year and my cousin took him fishing this summer but that just doesn't seem like enough for a little boy.

Sorry to dump this all on you guys but I just needed to get some of this out of me before I exploded.

Honey, I'm so sorry. And I have been there.

My son's father abandoned him when he was one...reappeared once when he was 2 1/2, and then when he was 9. When he came back into his life at 9, it devastated Jon.

I explained to Jon that sometimes (and I don't know if your son's father has contact) people aren't ready to be mommies and daddies. His daddy wasn't ready to be a daddy, but I was ready to be his mommy and anything else he needed. Yes, it's hard not to have a daddy, but the good thing is...I take care of you. My heart is big enough to everything a mommy and a daddy can do.

My son treats my father as his "substitute dad." He calls him his Lilo-dad. Lilo is short for Abuelito, or grandpa in spanish.

I always answer Jon's questions about his dad. I never speak ill. Because, when they grow up, they will know that we were the ones who stepped up...and they didn't. And they can develop their own feelings about their absent parent.

It's so hard.

What about Big Brothers/Big Sisters? We looked into that for Jon, but never followed through because we had some things going on in our life at that time that prevented it.

What they really need, is strong parents. And you are that for him. He will be okay...because he has a strong mommy.

 

[HomeschoolMama]

Thanks. I just get so upset. It is like I am stuck. If we are at my moms house I have to either A) leave with just my son making him, dn, and my mom upset. B) stick around my moms so ds can play with her. or C) Take her to my house so they can play together. But lets just say if I went over to moms and said oh good since you are here db with your kids I will just leave ds while I go and do something. I would here about how dsil doesn't ever get a break from the kids and they never get to go out and do anything. Like I am out all the time. Most of the time if I leave with out kids it is because I left ds with dd. Why if dsil needs a break can't my brother take care of the kids. Why is it so much harder for them to do something with there 2 kids than it is for me to do things with my son and the girl I nanny. It isn't even that they do this all the time. It is just that when I do not want to go along with their plans I am made out to be the bad guy. My brother practically ignores my ds now that he has a son but no one says any thing to him. I think this it what is actually bugging me the most right now. My ds wants a dad so bad he has made up an imaginary one. My heart just breaks when he starts telling his stories of all the things he does with his dad. Deep inside I feel if my brother would take few days a month and spend some time with him my son would have that male bonding he needs. But my brother is way to busy for that. When I got to Chucky E Cheese yesterday I asked him to spend some time with ds. My brother said it would have to be quick because him and his wife were leaving. I told him not to bother my son needed a little more than just a hi and a hug. I know it is not my brothers job to be my sons dad. So why is it my job to help them with their kids?

Also if anyone can give me an idea of what to do about my ds and his imaginary daddy I would be very grateful as I am at a loss. I just tell him that his dad lives far away and can't be with him. Ds thinks his dad is mad at him because he did something bad. I have an Uncle that spends some time with him about twice a year and my cousin took him fishing this summer but that just doesn't seem like enough for a little boy.

Sorry to dump this all on you guys but I just needed to get some of this out of me before I exploded.

I'm not sure what to say about the imaginary dad thing. I don't have any experience. But, I tend to think there's no harm in it. I remember thinking I had done something that made my dad leave too. But, my mom wouldn't tell me anything about the situation. I wonder if she had said a few things to me, I would have thought differently. Of course I don't think she should have said he was a wife beater or a cheat, but something like he was a not nice man who is to blame maybe?

Just hang in there and remember who you are, not who they act like you are when they're cranky.

 

[Goofyluver]

Enjoy lunch with your friend. What did Jon say when you told him you were moving back home. Was he okay with it???

He started jumping around and then he hugged me.

We did have a discussion. I asked him to think of all of the good things about living in Albuquerque versus Clovis.

I asked him about his wishes.

He actually said: "I'll do whatever you want mom."

I said, "No...tell me what your dream would be. Tell me what you would like to do. This doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want to do...but you need to give me your opinion."

He said he wants to be in clovis with his friends, his school, and his "dad" (my dad).

I'm fixing to get off the DIS. I probably won't be back until at least tomorrow.

To everyone...for supporting me:

 

[HomeschoolMama]

He started jumping around and then he hugged me.

We did have a discussion. I asked him to think of all of the good things about living in Albuquerque versus Clovis.

I asked him about his wishes.

He actually said: "I'll do whatever you want mom."

I said, "No...tell me what your dream would be. Tell me what you would like to do. This doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want to do...but you need to give me your opinion."

He said he wants to be in clovis with his friends, his school, and his "dad" (my dad).

I'm fixing to get off the DIS. I probably won't be back until at least tomorrow.

To everyone...for supporting me:

Awww... reading this made me want to cry. It's obviously what's best for everyone.

Talk to you tomorrow, Jen!

 

[Goofyluver]

Bye ya'll.

I'm going home.

 

[jcc0621]

He started jumping around and then he hugged me.

We did have a discussion. I asked him to think of all of the good things about living in Albuquerque versus Clovis.

I asked him about his wishes.

He actually said: "I'll do whatever you want mom."

I said, "No...tell me what your dream would be. Tell me what you would like to do. This doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want to do...but you need to give me your opinion."

He said he wants to be in clovis with his friends, his school, and his "dad" (my dad).

I'm fixing to get off the DIS. I probably won't be back until at least tomorrow.

To everyone...for supporting me:

Well there is your answer right there. Go home. There's no place like home

 

[jcc0621]

Bye ya'll.

I'm going home.

 

[sharkB8HooHaHa]

Bye ya'll.

I'm going home.

Godspeed, Jen and Jon

 

[dreamn_Disney]

Honey, I'm so sorry. And I have been there.

My son's father abandoned him when he was one...reappeared once when he was 2 1/2, and then when he was 9. When he came back into his life at 9, it devastated Jon.

I explained to Jon that sometimes (and I don't know if your son's father has contact) people aren't ready to be mommies and daddies. His daddy wasn't ready to be a daddy, but I was ready to be his mommy and anything else he needed. Yes, it's hard not to have a daddy, but the good thing is...I take care of you. My heart is big enough to everything a mommy and a daddy can do.

My son treats my father as his "substitute dad." He calls him his Lilo-dad. Lilo is short for Abuelito, or grandpa in spanish.

I always answer Jon's questions about his dad. I never speak ill. Because, when they grow up, they will know that we were the ones who stepped up...and they didn't. And they can develop their own feelings about their absent parent.

It's so hard.

What about Big Brothers/Big Sisters? We looked into that for Jon, but never followed through because we had some things going on in our life at that time that prevented it.

What they really need, is strong parents. And you are that for him. He will be okay...because he has a strong mommy.

I'm not sure what to say about the imaginary dad thing. I don't have any experience. But, I tend to think there's no harm in it. I remember thinking I had done something that made my dad leave too. But, my mom wouldn't tell me anything about the situation. I wonder if she had said a few things to me, I would have thought differently. Of course I don't think she should have said he was a wife beater or a cheat, but something like he was a not nice man who is to blame maybe?

Just hang in there and remember who you are, not who they act like you are when they're cranky.

Big Brothers starts when they are 6. HE has no contact with his dad. When I got pg his dad told me he had raised his family and wanted no more children. When I would not abort he left and went back down south to his other children. He showed up at my house once after son was born and told me to drop the child support since I didn't have the abortion and knew he wasn't going to be a dad to son, that my son was my responsibility and he couldn't pay child support and support his other children. He couldn't believe I could be such a ***** and didn't care that my support for my son was going to take money away from his other kids. He thought I was a better person than that and didn't I care about his family? Well no I do not. His ex has never had a job and he pays her extra support under the table so she can collect extra money from the state. I just do not know what to tell ds and he is going to be hurt when he is older and realizes that his dad did not want him and is in Georgia being a dad to his other kids. I do tell him that his dad is not mad at him he just lives far far away and can't be here for him. I then tell him that is why he has his Uncle Mike (my mom's brother who can spend a few weekends a year with son) and Matt (my cousin who drives me batty sometimes but does do guy things with son a few times a year). My ds will just insist he does have a daddy and they do lots of thing together. His dad takes him fishing, bought him some dinosaur pjs. Lives on a lake. Non of this happened and I am just sad when he talks about it.

 

[dreamn_Disney]

Bye ya'll.

I'm going home.

While it is not what you thought would be. I am glad that you tried and can say this is where we belong. Let us know when you both are back home. Is your dad going to move back in with you?

 

[HomeschoolMama]

Bye ya'll.

I'm going home.

Big Brothers starts when they are 6. HE has no contact with his dad. When I got pg his dad told me he had raised his family and wanted no more children. When I would not abort he left and went back down south to his other children. He showed up at my house once after son was born and told me to drop the child support since I didn't have the abortion and knew he wasn't going to be a dad to son, that my son was my responsibility and he couldn't pay child support and support his other children. He couldn't believe I could be such a ***** and didn't care that my support for my son was going to take money away from his other kids. He thought I was a better person than that and didn't I care about his family? Well no I do not. His ex has never had a job and he pays her extra support under the table so she can collect extra money from the state. I just do not know what to tell ds and he is going to be hurt when he is older and realizes that his dad did not want him and is in Georgia being a dad to his other kids. I do tell him that his dad is not mad at him he just lives far far away and can't be here for him. I then tell him that is why he has his Uncle Mike (my mom's brother who can spend a few weekends a year with son) and Matt (my cousin who drives me batty sometimes but does do guy things with son a few times a year). My ds will just insist he does have a daddy and they do lots of thing together. His dad takes him fishing, bought him some dinosaur pjs. Lives on a lake. Non of this happened and I am just sad when he talks about it.

I don't know what to say... Poor guy.

 

[dreamn_Disney]

I don't know what to say... Poor guy.

It helps a lot to be finally just getting it out of my head. I think I will take the kids and get out of the house for a little bit. My db I am sure will not be here for a few hours.

Thank you all for listening to me.

 

[HomeschoolMama]

It helps a lot to be finally just getting it out of my head. I think I will take the kids and get out of the house for a little bit. My db I am sure will not be here for a few hours.

Thank you all for listening to me.

Good! Go have some fun! I'm glad talking about it helped.

 

[askelton]

I explained to her about Jon...and his friends...and how if Albuquerque wasn't going to be "better" for him that it would be better for us to go home.

She says this:

"Well, as he grows, his disabilities are going to become more obvious. And I hope you don't think those kids will be his friends forever. Because they won't."

Well, gee, mom, thanks for the support.

She has no class sometimes.

Love it!

Ladies just got back from my moms and have not caught up yet. I just needed to post as I am so upset I am in tears. I can't even hardly type it I am so upset and angry and mad. My family just makes me want to scream. My brother is so self centered at times and I am a bad sister and Aunt any time I want to say no to watching my niece. I have had my niece since last night at Chuck E Cheese. I thought my brother and wife would be there but they basically dropped her off and went and had some fun. My mom kept an eye on her until her and her friend left and I had to teens with me who were a life saver when the keys were locked in the car, a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Now I still have her today because when I planned on taking her home this morning my mom said wait and see what my brother had planned. Well he is now headed to Lansing and will pick her up later. I then told mom that if he has plans of leaving her with us at the beach tomorrow to say no if she is not going to be the one watching her. I am now a bad Aunt and because I do not want to have her one more day. He and his wife come down to my moms and always leave her while they shop and I am just expected to help. Yet I manage to take my son with me and her when I shop. This probably doesn't make sense as I am upset and just typing.

I don't have kids but I do have a nephew that I love dearly. DH thinks they take advantage of my because I always keep Reid whenever they ask. I say I love spending time with him, and if I'm not busy, I'll be happy to keep him. If I do have plans, I'm not going to change them to suit my sister. He's only one and so far there hasn't been as issue, but just because I don't work right now, I'm not the nanny. Maybe talk to your brother without your SIL to explain your point of view.

He started jumping around and then he hugged me.

We did have a discussion. I asked him to think of all of the good things about living in Albuquerque versus Clovis.

I asked him about his wishes.

He actually said: "I'll do whatever you want mom."

I said, "No...tell me what your dream would be. Tell me what you would like to do. This doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want to do...but you need to give me your opinion."

He said he wants to be in clovis with his friends, his school, and his "dad" (my dad).

I'm fixing to get off the DIS. I probably won't be back until at least tomorrow.

To everyone...for supporting me:

He is one sweet kid Jen. You're doing the right thing.