Pea-n-Me
DIS Legend
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2004
- Messages
- 41,376
My two will be turning 18 soon, so they were over 13 when they started Instagram accounts. Only DS has FB and he was also over 13 when he started the account. I am also on Instagram, as is DH, and we've followed our kids and see what they post. A few times we've had them delete something and we were able to have a conversation about why, which is a good learning opportunity for what's appropriate to post on social media, and what's not.
I did have one of DS's "friends" a few years back try to start a fake FB account under my email and our family last name, with his first name, and I found out about it when I got emails from FB. (Which I am not on.) Apparently his dad wouldn't let him have one, so this was his response. I did let the dad know, and he told me he talked to his son and his son denied it.
FB security dept, at the time, told me that in order to prove where the account originated (ie his computer), I would have to file a report which would involve the police. (I didn't because this famly had just had an untimely death and was going through a rough time.) So instead I changed the password for it. But to this day, several years later, from time to time I get an email from FB indicating that he's still trying to get on. (DS is no longer friends with him and incensed that he did this.)
I do think that some kids will take this path when they want something and are told no. Does that mean we shouldn't say no? No, I don't believe so. But I also think it's a reason for having an open dialogue with our kids about things like this; to put it all out on the table, so to speak, and look at it from all angles. Kids often do understand when there's a good reason for something that ultimately benefits them, even if, in the short term, they don't get things their way. (And naturally, many parents do do this and some kids still do what they want anyway.)
For myself, I've learned in my life not to be a "black and white" type person. I was sort of raised that way and to me it doesn't make sense. I've learned to think critically, and it's something I've tried to teach my kids as well: why it's just as important to break a rule sometimes as it is to follow rules most of the time. Others have given good examples, like when safety is an issue, or when something's unjust, etc. I always had the teenage years and young adulthood in mind, which I feel is when they're going to need those skills perhaps the most.
To give an example from last year: my kids were still in the period of driving where they were not allowed to have kids in the car who were not their siblings, and they did a great job following that rule. Till one night, when it was late and dark, and one girl they were with did not have a ride home. She was trying to get a hold of her family but for whatever reason she couldn't, and she was upset; she asked my kids for a ride and they gave her one. They later told me about it and we had an opportunity to discuss it. One alternative would have been that I could have come and gotten the girl to give her a ride home; they hadn't considered of that. Or mabye I could've driven to her house to see if anyone was there. They could've waited with her, but then they'd be breaking the rules in another way (can only drive until midnight without an adult). So the conversation was good as far as looking at alternatives. But ultimately, I was ok with their breaking that rule as I felt they'd made a good decision in not leaving her there alone. (If the tables were reversed, I'd hope that someone would do that for my kid.) These are the practical things IRL that kids have to learn to deal with.
ETA I just remembered a related story from one of my kids' classmates. He had been driving a friend to school during the probationary driving period regularly without his parents knowing it. Well, one winter day, he got a flat tire and had to call his parents to come help him out. He kicked his illegal passenger out of the car so he wouldn't get in trouble, and that kid had to run over a mile to school in the snow with no coat!
I did have one of DS's "friends" a few years back try to start a fake FB account under my email and our family last name, with his first name, and I found out about it when I got emails from FB. (Which I am not on.) Apparently his dad wouldn't let him have one, so this was his response. I did let the dad know, and he told me he talked to his son and his son denied it.
FB security dept, at the time, told me that in order to prove where the account originated (ie his computer), I would have to file a report which would involve the police. (I didn't because this famly had just had an untimely death and was going through a rough time.) So instead I changed the password for it. But to this day, several years later, from time to time I get an email from FB indicating that he's still trying to get on. (DS is no longer friends with him and incensed that he did this.)I do think that some kids will take this path when they want something and are told no. Does that mean we shouldn't say no? No, I don't believe so. But I also think it's a reason for having an open dialogue with our kids about things like this; to put it all out on the table, so to speak, and look at it from all angles. Kids often do understand when there's a good reason for something that ultimately benefits them, even if, in the short term, they don't get things their way. (And naturally, many parents do do this and some kids still do what they want anyway.)
For myself, I've learned in my life not to be a "black and white" type person. I was sort of raised that way and to me it doesn't make sense. I've learned to think critically, and it's something I've tried to teach my kids as well: why it's just as important to break a rule sometimes as it is to follow rules most of the time. Others have given good examples, like when safety is an issue, or when something's unjust, etc. I always had the teenage years and young adulthood in mind, which I feel is when they're going to need those skills perhaps the most.
To give an example from last year: my kids were still in the period of driving where they were not allowed to have kids in the car who were not their siblings, and they did a great job following that rule. Till one night, when it was late and dark, and one girl they were with did not have a ride home. She was trying to get a hold of her family but for whatever reason she couldn't, and she was upset; she asked my kids for a ride and they gave her one. They later told me about it and we had an opportunity to discuss it. One alternative would have been that I could have come and gotten the girl to give her a ride home; they hadn't considered of that. Or mabye I could've driven to her house to see if anyone was there. They could've waited with her, but then they'd be breaking the rules in another way (can only drive until midnight without an adult). So the conversation was good as far as looking at alternatives. But ultimately, I was ok with their breaking that rule as I felt they'd made a good decision in not leaving her there alone. (If the tables were reversed, I'd hope that someone would do that for my kid.) These are the practical things IRL that kids have to learn to deal with.
ETA I just remembered a related story from one of my kids' classmates. He had been driving a friend to school during the probationary driving period regularly without his parents knowing it. Well, one winter day, he got a flat tire and had to call his parents to come help him out. He kicked his illegal passenger out of the car so he wouldn't get in trouble, and that kid had to run over a mile to school in the snow with no coat!
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