Teaching/Encouraging/aiding kids in a lie. Where do you draw the line?

[mom2AidanAndEli]

I will be the dissenter.

My dd's are 18 and 24 so they are not young in today's digital age. In the 90's things were less restricted.

I told them lying on the internet is something that you have to do sometimes.

If someone were to ask for you name, address, etc., you lie to them. Giving a stranger personal info is something you do not do over the internet.

The internet is an entity where people lie. It is the nature of the beast.

Who would they have been "talking" to that they would need to lie? That's the bigger problem! If they're interacting with someone they would need to lie to, they shouldn't be interacting with that person to begin with! If someone's asking personal questions that shouldn't be, you cut off contact with them. Period, end of story. No need to lie if you're not interacting with people you shouldn't be!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I will be the dissenter.

My dd's are 18 and 24 so they are not young in today's digital age. In the 90's things were less restricted.

I told them lying on the internet is something that you have to do sometimes.

If someone were to ask for you name, address, etc., you lie to them. Giving a stranger personal info is something you do not do over the internet.

The internet is an entity where people lie. It is the nature of the beast.

Why lie and send the random person online to some unsuspecting person's home? Why not just teach your child to refuse to answer those questions at all?

Yes, you made it clear. I was agreeing with you!!! Those would be the kind of compelling arguments I'd need to hear to agree, not simply "everyone's doing it".

I see now, sorry for the confusion.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why lie and send the random person online to some unsuspecting person's home? Why not just teach your child to refuse to answer those questions at all?

Refusing to answer, lie, whatever. Does not matter the action, the point is that people are not honest on the computer. Kids are easy prey for manipulation.

Refusing to answer is optimum however with kid's you just do not know the manipulative person on the other end of a question.

I gave my child permission to lie if necessary. That does not mean they are running around lying. It does mean if they are faced with a situation where someone is trying to coax it out of them, lie. I prefer to cover my bases with kids and the internet.

To me, this falls in line with internet safety for kid's 101.

 

[undertheradar]

I think that the end result should be zero chance of any legal recourse if you participated in the lie.

 

[smitch425]

I think that the end result should be zero chance of any legal recourse if you participated in the lie.

Of course. Anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy. Lol

 

[SEA333]

I'm not worried about it it in the least. My kids are smart enough to understand how to be a good, kind, honorable person even though they have an Instagram account at age 11.

The "slippery slope" might worry me if I didn't trust my kids to make good decisions. So far, so good. And at least through the present, having their Instagram account at age 11 has not turned them into lying, conniving fools on a daily basis, so I think I'll continue to be OK with it until I see a problem.

But the original question is, "where do I draw the line?"

I draw the line at the point I feel that my kids are turning into lying, conniving fools, or when they make me look foolish - like the mom at our room parents meeting that sang the praises of all parent heroes that deny their little 11 year old darlings access to Instagram, including her own daughter, who was in the room next to us whispering to DD and the other girl who was there to "PLEASE don't tell my mom I have an account!" And imagine how difficult it was for me to keep a straight face knowing, since I monitor DD's account, exactly how active, and how much, this mom's little princess was posting on Instagram every day.

(And, BTW, DD11's Instagram is set up under my email as a private account, and her password is linked to my phone. She has access and chose the username. I monitor and add her friends with her. However, she and I both know that even though it is under my name, and *technically* OK since I am over 13, the account is really hers. I'm OK with that for reasons stated above.)

 

[HM]

My kids (turning 20 and 22 this summer) didn't have personal devices until around 8th grade and then they didn't have data, just texting and phone. On the computer, Facebook may not have been a thing yet, as I remember MySpace being the one that kids wanted. We discovered one of my daughter's friends had set up a fake account (the girls were looking at it during a girl scout meeting) and DD and I had a great talk about why that wasn't encouraged and why her parents were so mad. My kids didn't really ask for internet access until they needed it for school.

If my kids were young now, I'd be the mean Mom that didn't let them have access to social media. I have never been one to fall for the "eveyone has it" line.

 

[leebee]

OP, I was having similar thoughts but didn't want to stir the pot too much! SO... it seems like "situational ethics" is being supported here, by many. What I don't understand is why it's OK to have your kid lie about their age for a FB account but not for a Disney ticket. We can go through all the justification blah-blah-blah (I know what's best for my kid, unfair to cheat Disney just to save money, etc.) but in the long run you are asking your kids to lie about their ages. (For the record, I'm not on a high horse here or anything- we've stretched the truth on occasion- but it IS asking your kids to lie about their ages for personal convenience/benefit... and you know how righteous those threads get!)

 

[smitch425]

I'm not worried about it it in the least. My kids are smart enough to understand how to be a good, kind, honorable person even though they have an Instagram account at age 11.

The "slippery slope" might worry me if I didn't trust my kids to make good decisions. So far, so good. And at least through the present, having their Instagram account at age 11 has not turned them into lying, conniving fools on a daily basis, so I think I'll continue to be OK with it until I see a problem.

But the original question is, "where do I draw the line?"

I draw the line at the point I feel that my kids are turning into lying, conniving fools, or when they make me look foolish - like the mom at our room parents meeting that sang the praises of all parent heroes that deny their little 11 year old darlings access to Instagram, including her own daughter, who was in the room next to us whispering to DD and the other girl who was there to "PLEASE don't tell my mom I have an account!" And imagine how difficult it was for me to keep a straight face knowing, since I monitor DD's account, exactly how active, and how much, this mom's little princess was posting on Instagram every day.

(And, BTW, DD11's Instagram is set up under my email as a private account, and her password is linked to my phone. She has access and chose the username. I monitor and add her friends with her. However, she and I both know that even though it is under my name, and *technically* OK since I am over 13, the account is really hers. I'm OK with that for reasons stated above.)

I would have outted that kid in a millisecond. I can't stand when parents get all snobby and think they are better than you when they have no idea what their kids are even up to. This is why we have a very open dialogue in our home. My kids don't feel the need to hide anything because they know that everything is open for discussion, and I am always willing to hear their side of things.

 

[SEA333]

I would have outted that kid in a millisecond. I can't stand when parents get all snobby and think they are better than you when they have no idea what their kids are even up to. This is why we have a very open dialogue in our home. My kids don't feel the need to hide anything because they know that everything is open for discussion, and I am always willing to hear their side of things.

Oh, I know, right! LOL I wanted to so badly! I really thought about it...

Same in our house - my kids are completely willing to tell me everything...even stuff I don't want to know!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Actually, thinking about it, there is one way in which I have always told my kids it is OK to lie and that I will back them up. They have always known that if they are uncomfortable doing anything that their friends want them to do, whether it is something I might allow or not, they can ALWAYS use me as an excuse to save face if they feel better about that than just saying that they themselves do not want to, and I will always back them up and say it is not allowed.

I don't think they ever used that, or if they did, it was not something they needed me to back them up on, but that is one that I was fine with and taught them was an acceptable way for an "out"

Then again, that is not disregarding any rule or law and it is not a lie that can hurt someone else. I am not someone who thinks no lie ever is OK--I am also good with the basic "white lies" that allow polite society to function ("it'S nice to meet you" even if you really do not want to meet the person, etc)

Somehow that feels really different to me than disregarding rules just because i prefer it that way, etc.

 

[slo]

To all those that feel it's wrong to allow a child to have an Instagram at age 11 instead of 13, because it's breaking a rule....

Do you allow your 11yr old to see a PG-13 movie?
Do you allow your 15yr old to see an R movie?
Do you allow your 6yr old to watch a TV show that's rated for a 7yr old?
Do you allow them to play a video game that's not in the age range?

I'm just curious.

 

[HM]

Absolutely Hadley. My kids have my permission to use me as the bad guy if there is something that they don't want to do but don't actually want to tell someone that.

 

[smiths02]

To all those that feel it's wrong to allow a child to have an Instagram at age 11 instead of 13, because it's breaking a rule....

Do you allow your 11yr old to see a PG-13 movie?
Do you allow your 15yr old to see an R movie?
Do you allow your 6yr old to watch a TV show that's rated for a 7yr old?
Do you allow them to play a video game that's not in the age range?

I'm just curious.

None of those would be breaking rules if the parent allows it.

 

[smitch425]

My kids don't use me as a scapegoat. If they don't want to do something, they just tell their friends they don't want to do it. If they want to decline a play date, sleepover, movie with a friend, etc, they are responsible for letting that person know.

 

[HM]

To all those that feel it's wrong to allow a child to have an Instagram at age 11 instead of 13, because it's breaking a rule....

Do you allow your 11yr old to see a PG-13 movie?
Do you allow your 15yr old to see an R movie?
Do you allow your 6yr old to watch a TV show that's rated for a 7yr old?
Do you allow them to play a video game that's not in the age range?

I'm just curious.

Just to be a bit of a pain here. The movie ratings are a suggestion to help parents decide whether the movie is appropriate for their child. As the parent, they can take their child to see a movie that isn't deemed appropriate.

I had a friend who had particular rules about what her kids could and could not see. We were very careful not to watch something that she would not approve of when they were over. My kids were allowed to see Star Wars, but hers were not, for example.

The main thing for us was whether we were with them while they watched or played a game that might have been a level above what was deemed appropriate. My kids could do a Teen game before they were teens, but not a Mature game.

 

[undertheradar]

To all those that feel it's wrong to allow a child to have an Instagram at age 11 instead of 13, because it's breaking a rule....

Do you allow your 11yr old to see a PG-13 movie?
Do you allow your 15yr old to see an R movie?
Do you allow your 6yr old to watch a TV show that's rated for a 7yr old?
Do you allow them to play a video game that's not in the age range?

I'm just curious.

What are your answers to these questions?

 

[HM]

My kids don't use me as a scapegoat. If they don't want to do something, they just tell their friends they don't want to do it. If they want to decline a play date, sleepover, movie with a friend, etc, they are responsible for letting that person know.

Mostly my kids do this too, but there has been an occasion when they didn't feel like they could do so, and did say, My mom won't let me.

 

[SEA333]

My kids don't use me as a scapegoat. If they don't want to do something, they just tell their friends they don't want to do it. If they want to decline a play date, sleepover, movie with a friend, etc, they are responsible for letting that person know.

Agreed. My kids are not afraid to tell their friends exactly what they think, want, etc.

 

[NHdisneylover]

To all those that feel it's wrong to allow a child to have an Instagram at age 11 instead of 13, because it's breaking a rule....

Do you allow your 11yr old to see a PG-13 movie? Movie ratings are for informational purposes and there is no law/rule (outside of what you may set for your child) saying that under 13 cannot see such films. Personally, I look more closely at the film and choose based on what I consider important (ie, nudity and even language is rarely something I censor, but lots of PG films, much less PG13 were so too violent for me to allow when my kids were that young)
Do you allow your 15yr old to see an R movie? See above (except that for R an adult must accompany the child--I have no issue with that)
Do you allow your 6yr old to watch a TV show that's rated for a 7yr old? see above
Do you allow them to play a video game that's not in the age range? see above