Teacher just called me - 6yo DS called a classmate fat! He says he didn't, update p3

[javaj]

6 yo DS' teacher called me today because a parent had told her during a parent/teacher conference last Thursday that DS called her daughter fat. She went on to explain that this girl was sensitive about being big and that neither the child nor parent told her about this right after the incident so she doesn't really know what happened. She didn't write DS up for this incident because it had passed and it wasn't reported to her right away. She gave me a warning that if DS did this again though, he would be written up for it.

I will definitely be talking to DS when I pick him up from after-school care, to let him know it is NOT okay to say things like this to classmates.

However, we do joke around about this a little bit in our house - we take it pretty lightly, like I'll say, oh I'm so fat this week, and my husband'll say "oh sure you are" and then both DSs run around chanting that the other one is fat. So I suppose it is possible that he was kidding around, his teacher says she doesn't know for sure and either way, he can't joke around about it. She made it seem like a really serious offense.

I'm confused and disappointed, in DS - for being mean, in myself - for obviously not teaching him well enough, and in the system - for making something like this such a HUGE deal. I know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but are kids really getting written up for things like this? Apparently, kids can get written up for picking up a stick or a rock in the playground (not throwing, picking up!). I don't remember all these rules when I was in school.

So is my lesson that we really need to be careful what we joke around about in our house? Or be better at trying to instill the difference between being comfortable at home and really being careful what you say at school?

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[Jennasis]

Well, as a kid who got picked on in school my whole life, I am thankful the teacher is being vigilant about name calling now. This will give you an opportunity to nip this in the bud with your DS now. He may have thought he was joking around, or he may have just been trying to be mean, but either way, it needs to be stopped.

Sorry you're having to go through this though. good luck!

 

[famofsix]

the problem with six year olds is that they are matter of fact. They could have been talking and he could have made a matter of fact statement that the classmate is fat. It doesn't necessarily mean he was teasing her. I would just talk to him about the Parent rule "if you don't have anything nice to say be quiet." Reinforce we all come in different shapes and sizes so if you don't have something nice to say about the shape or size of someone it is best to not mention it

 

[Kath2003]

He's six. That's what six year olds do. Heck some adults can't control what comes out of their mouth half of the time

Very simply: explain it's not nice. Move on.

 

[Skatermom23]

He probably thought he was goofing around, but at 6 you can't expect him to know the difference of when it is okay to goof around and when it isn't. It isn't nice or kind to ever make fun of someones weight.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

The thing is..nowadays bullying is a huge factor for children committing suicide....and, yes, children as young as 7 yrs old. Name calling is a form of bullying that can get worse as they get older, and someone already sensitive to an issue can hear the word 'fat' one more time and think it's the end of the world.
Do I think your son meant harm? Nah... and I know families joke about things that we'd hope our children wouldn't take into public...it happens. I think you just need to talk to your son and tell him name calling isn't nice, and ask him how'd he'd feel if someone called him (something he is senstive to).
I don't think it's too much that he'd get written up for it... this IS his warning.. Have to take a stand somewhere, and hopefully kids learn what they can and can't say to other people.

 

[mamacatnv]

I know we are talking 6 year olds here, but, IMO the teacher was out of line to pass on something she heard from a parent of a child during a conference and then tell you that next time there will be consequences. Ummm, IMO and I will probably get flamed (it's okay, I tan nicely ) this is overboard. If the parents are so worried that their child is sensitive they need to teach her to stand up for herself, not wait for a teacher conference and then mention it.

If the child is fat, she is fat. Heck I'm fat, I know it and I don't know what exactly he did wrong. Even the teacher isn't sure what happened. The use of the words heavy, overweight etc. all mean the same thing - Fat.

 

[famofsix]

It might be good to stop the fat fun silliness at home...just substitute another word like "goofy"

I agree fat is not a bad word unless used to demean someone. But you are making it okay to use in fun at home.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

So is my lesson that we really need to be careful what we joke around about in our house? Or be better at trying to instill the difference between being comfortable at home and really being careful what you say at school?

Thanks for letting me vent!

Both. It can be difficult for young children to separate the two, but we all learn somehow that there are actions which are acceptable within our homes that we should not carry out into public. You also have to ask yourself what messages your kids might pick up on that would be of concern to you, whether or not they repeat them elsewhere.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I'm confused and disappointed, in DS - for being mean, in myself - for obviously not teaching him well enough, and in the system - for making something like this such a HUGE deal. I know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but are kids really getting written up for things like this? Apparently, kids can get written up for picking up a stick or a rock in the playground (not throwing, picking up!). I don't remember all these rules when I was in school.

So is my lesson that we really need to be careful what we joke around about in our house? Or be better at trying to instill the difference between being comfortable at home and really being careful what you say at school?

Thanks for letting me vent!

Do you seriously think that it's not a big deal for a child to call another child a name? Sorry - but this is something that the school needs to be worried about and it is something that needs to be taken seriously.

You son may not have meant any harm but that is not the point. It is flat out not acceptable to call children names or make fun of them.

 

[minniebeth]

Our society also sends mega mixed messages...in 7th and 8th grade "phat" means way cool. My DD6 even though she is bright, has a hard time distinguishing the context of when what is being used (she goes to a K-8 school). Case in point, our neighbor's name is formally Richard, and when my DH used his nickname, which he goes by, DD6 was horrified that that was his name. She whispered in my DH's ear that his name is a bad word. I can't believe she would even know that!

If we can't use fat at home, we also can't use stupid, idiot, weird, hate, etc. etc. (which we don't, those words aren't acceptable in our home)
I agree there is a middle of the road to teach what is appropriate and when it is crossing the line of being too sensitive.

In your DS' case, I agree that consequences need to be brought to attention right away, not way after the fact as children will not associate the behavior with the consequence that far apart. (even though they might know they might have hurt someone's feelings.)
Don't be disappointed in him, it's a great teachable moment for him when you talk with him about it!

 

[need_a_Disney_fix]

OP, I think how you are handling this situation is great. I was an obese child beginning at age 5 and remained that way until high school and endured a great amount of taunting. Between my freshman and sophomore years, I lost all the weight via Weight Watchers. Unfortunately, I am still dealing with self-esteem issues and I feel it was because the bullying from my classmates happened during my formative years. I hope that helps.

 

[javaj]

Thanks all. It is always good to have different perspectives.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm with Kath2003 -- he's six. He'll make these blunders once in a while. Let him know it's not cool and move on. Now if it turns into a habit or he starts getting mean with it, then you'd probably want to get more serious about it.

And, heck yes, that's what teachers are writing kids up for! Kids are so mean to one another. Of course, look at how adults are and it's no wonder.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

I know we are talking 6 year olds here, but, IMO the teacher was out of line to pass on something she heard from a parent of a child during a conference and then tell you that next time there will be consequences. Ummm, IMO and I will probably get flamed (it's okay, I tan nicely ) this is overboard. If the parents are so worried that their child is sensitive they need to teach her to stand up for herself, not wait for a teacher conference and then mention it.

If the child is fat, she is fat. Heck I'm fat, I know it and I don't know what exactly he did wrong. Even the teacher isn't sure what happened. The use of the words heavy, overweight etc. all mean the same thing - Fat.

I disagree completely. I would never tell a 6 year old to stand up for herself in this situation. Words are very harmful, especially if she is already sensitive to it. Just because the girl has a weight issue does not make it okay to call her names.

 

[mamacatnv]

Maybe this is one of the reasons we are raising a Text generation. No matter what they say or how they say it someone somewhere will take offense.

I am not making light of bullying but I do think we as a society have gone overboard in what some view bullying to be.

 

[beckmrk04]

She made it seem like a really serious offense.

I'm confused and disappointed, in DS - for being mean, in myself - for obviously not teaching him well enough, and in the system - for making something like this such a HUGE deal. I know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but are kids really getting written up for things like this?

I think it is a big deal. I know all kids can expect to be teased at some point, but don't let your DS be part of that. If the girl is fat, which she very well may be, she probably hears it and knows it and that is so hard on a young girl's (or boy's- but especially since girls are more prone to eating disorders) self esteem.

And I agree with other posters about the lesson: "If you can't say anything nice, just don't say anything at all." It serves us all well in the long run.

So is my lesson that we really need to be careful what we joke around about in our house? Or be better at trying to instill the difference between being comfortable at home and really being careful what you say at school?

Both! Explain that while you guys are comfortable with it, it may make other people uncomfortable, and that it's a sensitive issue for many people.

 

[RitaE]

I think he probably really hurt her feelings and he should apologize.


And really, the system has not made it a big deal. There has been no record of it recorded, no punishment handed out, nothing along those lines. The Teacher simply reported it to you and told you that if it happens again -- it will be a big deal. It is now your job to let your child know that calling other children names is not acceptable. ever.

 

[Castlebound]

I disagree completely. I would never tell a 6 year old to stand up for herself in this situation. Words are very harmful, especially if she is already sensitive to it. Just because the girl has a weight issue does not make it okay to call her names.

It isn't ok to call her names, but yes she does have to learn how to stand up for herself. The world is not a warm fuzzy place full of smiles and rainbows! People can be mean whether they mean to be or not. The whole thing could have probably been avoided if the girl would have simple said that it hurt her feels to be called fat. I've seen it plenty of times in prek and kindergarten. One little kid will be joking and say something to another kid. The other kid gets hurt feelings and tells the first kid. If that first kid has been raised care about other people when they hurt someones feelings they will apologize. The next thing you know they are playing together as happy as can be.

To the OP, a simple it's not nice to call people fat is probably all you need to say. Explain that sometimes what you joke about at home is not something that you joke about at school.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I know we are talking 6 year olds here, but, IMO the teacher was out of line to pass on something she heard from a parent of a child during a conference and then tell you that next time there will be consequences. Ummm, IMO and I will probably get flamed (it's okay, I tan nicely ) this is overboard. If the parents are so worried that their child is sensitive they need to teach her to stand up for herself, not wait for a teacher conference and then mention it.

If the child is fat, she is fat. Heck I'm fat, I know it and I don't know what exactly he did wrong. Even the teacher isn't sure what happened. The use of the words heavy, overweight etc. all mean the same thing - Fat.

Yeah, and some people are ugly, too, but it wouldn't be nice to point it out. If a child in my class called another one fat, I'd talk to him/her about it and make him/her move a clip. If it happened more than once again, I'd send a note to the parents and if that didn't resolve it, I'd call the parents in for a conference.