Teacher just called me - 6yo DS called a classmate fat! He says he didn't, update p3

[MoniqueU]

While I don't think it is nice what your son may have said, yes times have changed. My daughter got written up for jumping off a cement planter box during a high heat day towards the end of her 4th grade year. What on earth do they think these kids do all summer? They run, they jump, they play. I laughed at that one, until she got the same one the next day because I had taken it so lightly. Then there was the time I got a call for my then first grader for telling a classmate she was going to kill him with a robot. You have to know my dd, she is the sweetest most optimistic bundle of joy ever. You look at her crosseyed and she behaves. She told the VP it was because her dad took her to a scary movie (the ring). So not only had my darling daughter got herself into a heap of trouble she threw my husband under the bus too. I don't watch movies so I have no idea what that movie is or how bad it is but after that she pretty much decided on her own that she doesn't go to the movies with dad anymore!!!!
It's hard when it is your first and stuff happens thats for sure.

 

[Mellie2162]

Yeah, and some people are ugly, too, but it wouldn't be nice to point it out. If a child in my class called another one fat, I'd talk to him/her about it and make him/her move a clip. If it happened more than once again, I'd send a note to the parents and if that didn't resolve it, I'd call the parents in for a conference.

Thank you for this. Whatever happened to two wrongs don't make a right? I understand standing up for yourself and all that, but I'm sure the child was very hurt and kept it in. My son has gotten teased and doesn't say anything to the teaser because he doesn't want to make the situation keep going. He will later tell me how hurt he was about it and we talk about it and how he could handle it the next time.

OP glad you are talking to your son about this. Im sure at 6 it wasn't meant to be mean, but please let him know that its very hurtful to that child that is probably self concious so he won't do it again.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I would be thankful that the teacher brought it to your attention, and use this as a teaching tool for your DS. Words can be hurtful, and it's important that children learn what is appropriate/inappropriate in social situations.

Just telling him that what he said hurt the girl's feelings...how would he feel if someone called him a name? Learning to see things from others' points of view can only help him later on.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Unfortunate that it was said at school. One of DS's friends said that to my son when they were about 4. It was at the other kid's birthday party. The mom was quick to jump in and apologize right away. I found it interesting when they e-mailed me a pic of their son in high school. My DS is now the tall, slim one while their son has the weight problem.

Seriously, there really are self esteem issues involved with any negative comment.

 

[pweyl36]

Maybe this is one of the reasons we are raising a Text generation. No matter what they say or how they say it someone somewhere will take offense.

I am not making light of bullying but I do think we as a society have gone overboard in what some view bullying to be.

Makes me wonder, are you a mom of a bully?

 

[Boston Tea Party]

I'm confused and disappointed, in DS - for being mean, in myself - for obviously not teaching him well enough, and in the system - for making something like this such a HUGE deal. I know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but are kids really getting written up for things like this?

It's called bullying and it IS a big deal.

The time to teach your son that is it wrong is NOW.

 

[mamacatnv]

Makes me wonder, are you a mom of a bully?

No, but they aren't pansies either.

 

[mamacatnv]

It's not bullying - it might have been a comment it might not have been - teacher is not even sure, they are 6.

Little girl's parents didn't even mention it until the parent teacher conference which makes me wonder how big of a deal they thought it was. Did it happen yesterday or 6 weeks ago?

I stand by I think teacher over reacted by calling the OP and telling her the "next time" scenario when no one really knows what happened the first time.

OP - if you are worried, set Jr. down, explain exactly what his teacher said. See what he has to say. If you feel it necessary, then tell him calling someone fat, while it may be true is not nice and be done with it.

We have a nation full of whiners who cannot think for themselves, cannot take responsibility for themselves and who blame all their issues and problems on others........ever wonder why?

The world is not a nice place no matter how much we want it to be or how much we interfer on the behalf of our poor babies who got their feelings hurt. Our kids need to know how to suck it up and play well with others. They can't do that until over bearing parents learn when to zip it and stay out of it and when schools go back to making kids resolve their own conflicts with each other not with a parent, teacher, counselor and principal present for a conference over something so trivial as Sally got her feelings hurt because Johnny said something to her.

 

[Enchanted_Mama]

He's six. That's what six year olds do. Heck some adults can't control what comes out of their mouth half of the time

Very simply: explain it's not nice. Move on.

yeah, this!

 

[C.Ann]

Yes - it was insensitive.. Explain this to your DS - and be a little more careful about the words that you find acceptable at home that are not acceptable elsewhere..

A good learning experience for all..

 

[Debbie Jean]

Seriously, there really are self esteem issues involved with any negative comment.

Totally agree.

I notice that the OP has boys as do many others and I'm going to argue that there are fundamental differences in how little girls grow up and view themselves, especially with the emphasis on "slimness" in the media. Eating disorders are at epidemic proportions among young girls and women... ask your pediatrician what he/she sees in the office daily.

I certainly don't think this is what was intended here and was likely a "kids being kids" moment, but the consequences over time if that type of message gets reinforced can de devastating. OP you are handling the situation wisely... let your son know how hurtful such comments can be even if said in fun and please watch the messages you are sending to each other at home... there are so many other things to laugh about!

 

[Mom2Nick]

It's not bullying - it might have been a comment it might not have been - teacher is not even sure, they are 6.

Little girl's parents didn't even mention it until the parent teacher conference which makes me wonder how big of a deal they thought it was. Did it happen yesterday or 6 weeks ago?

I stand by I think teacher over reacted by calling the OP and telling her the "next time" scenario when no one really knows what happened the first time.

OP - if you are worried, set Jr. down, explain exactly what his teacher said. See what he has to say. If you feel it necessary, then tell him calling someone fat, while it may be true is not nice and be done with it.

We have a nation full of whiners who cannot think for themselves, cannot take responsibility for themselves and who blame all their issues and problems on others........ever wonder why?

The world is not a nice place no matter how much we want it to be or how much we interfer on the behalf of our poor babies who got their feelings hurt. Our kids need to know how to suck it up and play well with others. They can't do that until over bearing parents learn when to zip it and stay out of it and when schools go back to making kids resolve their own conflicts with each other not with a parent, teacher, counselor and principal present for a conference over something so trivial as Sally got her feelings hurt because Johnny said something to her.

The more important lesson is to be patient, tolerant and kind to others. Thinking that the solition to bullying is to teach kids to "suck it up" is pathetic and sad.

Try teaching that lesson to MY CHILD! The special needs child that is called stupid, moron, idiot, twig, pee wee...... You go ahead and tell him that those other kids are not doing anything that is a big deal and he will stop being devistated when he learns to "suck it up". @@

I am wondering like the other poster if you are in fact raising bullies and you're validating that because you think the victims are just over sensitive pansies..

No matter what you think - it is NOT ok to say something hurtful to another child.

 

[javaj]

An update:

DS says he never called anyone fat. I made sure he knew he wasn't in trouble, and that I just wanted to find out so we could make sure it wouldn't happen. He insists that he didn't, and wouldn't call his classmates fat. I pried and asked if there was anyone that called others fat, and he said "not in my class." I asked him what he meant by that and he said that he sees "classmate X" being made fun of by some other kids (during outside recess), and that the same kids also tease him and his friend.

I can usually tell when he's lying (and he definitely does that sometimes!) but this doesn't seem to be a time where he's making anything up. I could be mistaken, or maybe this was a misunderstanding, or maybe this incident happened so long ago that he doesn't even remember it, but in any case, I did make sure he understood that we don't tease people, and that some things aren't taken lightly even when we sometimes joke about it at home.

I also emailed the teacher and let him know what he said.

 

[MoniqueU]

Speaking of teasing, I just got a call, I am visiting a friend in Alabama. It started off with the school called about Justin. pause (my son plays football so instant frea out and fear by me). Turns out my son teased or taunted a girl in Religion Class today with a long term substitute. The girl knew how to stick up for herself obviously and proceeded to stand up and cuss him up one side and down the other. So now I am waiting for him to call me to tell me what he said and then find out why all hell broke loose in the classroom as this was going on. Obviously my son is busted big time for even causing this girl to flip on him and I want a straight story. My MIL who is watching my kids and will have him do an apology letter both to the girl and the teacher. Sometimes even the most innocent of comments or teasing can have very bad effects and need to be dealt with. So OP I feel your pain today as it hasnt been the best day for me either.

 

[C.Ann]

An update:

DS says he never called anyone fat. I made sure he knew he wasn't in trouble, and that I just wanted to find out so we could make sure it wouldn't happen. He insists that he didn't, and wouldn't call his classmates fat. I pried and asked if there was anyone that called others fat, and he said "not in my class." I asked him what he meant by that and he said that he sees "classmate X" being made fun of by some other kids (during outside recess), and that the same kids also tease him and his friend.

I can usually tell when he's lying (and he definitely does that sometimes!) but this doesn't seem to be a time where he's making anything up. I could be mistaken, or maybe this was a misunderstanding, or maybe this incident happened so long ago that he doesn't even remember it, but in any case, I did make sure he understood that we don't tease people, and that some things aren't taken lightly even when we sometimes joke about it at home.

I also emailed the teacher and let him know what he said.

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Well that's good.. But just to be safe, I would use a different choice of words at home when you're joking around..

 

[javaj]

Little girl's parents didn't even mention it until the parent teacher conference which makes me wonder how big of a deal they thought it was. Did it happen yesterday or 6 weeks ago?

I stand by I think teacher over reacted by calling the OP and telling her the "next time" scenario when no one really knows what happened the first time.

I think I didn't even realize that this part really bugged me. It was a "she said" without even so much of a "he said" and suddenly it was this big ominous situation with a dire warning about "next time." There were no details of when, or how, or what, just that she said DS called her fat. Anyway, thanks!

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Well that's good.. But just to be safe, I would use a different choice of words at home when you're joking around..

Right! I didn't mean to make it sound like we joke around all the time about being fat. But I will make sure we're more careful about things like that. We joke around about a LOT of things. Boys especially seem to like to joke around about things I never would've found funny when I was little. DSs get each other really riled up sometimes, laughing hysterically.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I'm glad that you seem to have gotten it osrted out. I don't think the teacher necessarily meant "next time" as in "I know it happened once so I will treat it as a second offense", so much as "if I ever hear any child do this here are the consequences and I thought you should be aware of the situation."

I don't agree with the pp about kids who can't stick up for themselves being "pansies." I was teased and even physically beaten up by a boy in my elementary school. When I talked to adults it was the whole "sticks and stones" things. I tried ignoring him, I tried standing up for myself, and you know what? It made it worse. Thankfully I outgrew my self esteem issues from the bullying I endured, but many kids don't.

I teach special ed and one of the things our professors have emphasized to us is how all kids internalize messages that they hear repeatedly. When I was a freshman in high school, two boys committed suicide within one week fo eachother. It came to light that both boys had experienced a significant amount of bullying. If the child has a disability or mental illness, it is much harder for them to "suck it up" because their brains do not work the same yours or mine does. Bullying leaves long lasting scars and can ultimately lead to the death of the victim if they internalize their rage, or of innocent people if they externalize their rage. Almost every school shooter was a victim of long term bullying. That does not excuse what happened, but it does make you wonder what would have happened if they had not been bullied. Given what we know about child psychology, bullying is unacceptable.

Do we need to teach kids to be resilient and not internalize comments? Absolutely. But that does not mean that we should turn a blind eye to the bullying itself.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't know if you'll ever know exactly what happened, but the teacher's made it pretty clear there's a zero tolerance policy for this type of thing (as there should be), so I think it behooves you to make sure your child understands without a doubt that calling anyone names is not ok.

Talk about The Golden Rule with your son - ie "Do Unto Others".

Role play.

Practice what you preach.

Here's an article that may be helpful: Teaching Tolerance to Children

Good luck. (It definitely ain't always easy. )

 

[raysnkaysmom]

An update:

DS says he never called anyone fat. I made sure he knew he wasn't in trouble, and that I just wanted to find out so we could make sure it wouldn't happen. He insists that he didn't, and wouldn't call his classmates fat. I pried and asked if there was anyone that called others fat, and he said "not in my class." I asked him what he meant by that and he said that he sees "classmate X" being made fun of by some other kids (during outside recess), and that the same kids also tease him and his friend.

I can usually tell when he's lying (and he definitely does that sometimes!) but this doesn't seem to be a time where he's making anything up. I could be mistaken, or maybe this was a misunderstanding, or maybe this incident happened so long ago that he doesn't even remember it, but in any case, I did make sure he understood that we don't tease people, and that some things aren't taken lightly even when we sometimes joke about it at home.

I also emailed the teacher and let him know what he said.

Well, then, he's your son.. err on the side of him. SEems he knows he wouldn't call anyone a name...so that's good. Let him know its not nice, you're proud of him for not doing what X kids are doing and move on

 

[Calliaz]

I'm fat and will always be so (just so you know where I'm coming from). It seems like it was taken a little far, but so many schools have anti-bullying programs. Name calling can be considered bullying, ergo the "big to-do."

It's your business what you do in your family, but I never joke about being fat. It's a fact of life and I don't hide and I'm not ashamed. I also don't make fun of myself. As much as it is hard to do, I am trying to instill in my child a positive body image. This was not a luxury I had. We talk about helping our bodies feel good with exercise and good food. Never about size.