Talking to teens re: drugs - honest about your own experimentation?

[Sandy V.]

When you talk to your children about drugs, are you/should you be completely honest about your own "past"?

I've got two teenagers, and my husband and I have discussed with them the dangers of illlegal substances and the problems they cause for MANY years. Probably started the discussions at age 5 or 6. I like to think we have good relationships with them; they've never caused us a minute of trouble thus far (fingers crossed)!

But our 16 year old daughter recently asked my husband point blank about OUR own usage as youths. To my surprise, he told her the truth!! Now, there wasn't any big story to tell - very mild stuff in college over 25 years ago. We've gone on to lead happy and what I consider successful lives.

But our daughter now is copping a "jaded" attitude - "How can you lecture ME about drugs when you tried them yourself?"

I realize that part of this is a 16 year old asserting her independence and stating her opinion (she is extremely bright). But I'm beginning to wonder if my husband did the right thing by telling her the truth.

Any thoughts or stories as to how you handled a similar situation would be appreciated!

 

[stinkerbelle]

Hmm...my mom didn't admit to smoking the wacky stuff until we were well in our 20's and in college.

and they might have told us not to smoke....but my mom smoked...so that was a "do as I say, not as I do" type battle that she lost. (sadly - my brother and I both smoke and are trying to quit)

I think at that young, impressionable age - you shouldn't divulge your past...

my parents instilled some good values into me...and I still tried it. (just the wacky tabacky...nothing stronger than that). But with the pills and such that kids can get ahold of these days - kinda crazy.

dunno how much help I've been...good luck to you...

 

[Pam]

Truthfully - I am 42 years old and only had 1 cigarette in my life. Zero alcohol -nothing - no wine, no beer, no champagne - zip. I also have never tried drugs.

Of course I am honest when my kids and I talk about this - they are both teens - but we've been talking about this since they were 5-6. My DH doesn't have a spotless record - and it bothered him to admit his - but he's learned that if you are upfront and tell the kids what things you've done - and the dangers and problems associated with these actions - that it does make them think twice.

 

[Serena]

I think you have to be honest, if they can't trust you to tell them straight, who can they trust?

But the attitude would have to go. Just because you did something, doesn't mean you don't have the right to tell her she shouldn't. You are her parents and want what's best for her.

I didn't do much at all either and so far my daughter doesn't either.

 

[Sandy V.]

Thanks for the responses. I agree as a whole that you should be honest - but I just wish my husband had waited for several more years! Guess that horse is out of the barn, though.

I agree that she needs to lose the attitude. I think right now she's "all talk but no action". She may see what she views as hypocrisy, but she's too focused on doing well in school and sports, trying to get into a good college, to risk it by experimenting with drugs. Fortunately, she hangs out with a good groups of kids we approve of, and she's very family-oriented. Maybe she is just saying this stuff to get under our skin - wouldn't be the first time a teenager did that!

 

[joshsmom]

DS is 8. He came home the other day and asked why grandpa is taking drugs?????!!!! News to me. Then he said they learned at school that cigarettes are drugs and grandpa smokes (the only one in our family that does). I talked with him for some time and then he asked if I ever tried them. I told him the story of how, at about 5, for some unknown CRAZY reason, I chewed on the butts of all the cigarettes in my aunt's pack and then put them back in there. She made me put one in my mouth and she lit it and told me to suck. I did and then I proceeded to puke all over her and the floor. Guess that served her right!!!

I didn't tell him that (stupid me) I tried them again as a teenager. The first story was enough to freak him out and then have him rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter at old mom's stupidity!!! If he asks later on if I tried them again, I'll admit that I did but that again it was SO stupid. Other than that, I have no other skeletons. I didn't try drinking until college and I've never tried drugs (too much of a chicken--albeit a smart chicken!!)

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I don't think I would have told her about the past until she was older. My parents never told me until last year when I was 23!!!

My best friend's parents were very open about it through high school and admitted they still did the minor drugs. Unfortunately she followed in their footsteps and we are no longer friends because she moved to Florida. On her 21st birthday, her parents took her to Vegas and snuck in an "extra present" on the plane for her so that they could all do it together and suposably start the birthday off right. They weren't into drinking but they did smoke many things!!!!

 

[joshsmom]

Originally posted by Pooh_Friend#1
her parents took her to Vegas and snuck in an "extra present" on the plane for her so that they could all do it together and suposably start the birthday off right. They weren't into drinking but they did smoke many things!!!!

 

[Sandy V.]

"On her 21st birthday, her parents took her to Vegas and snuck in an "extra present" on the plane for her so that they could all do it together and suposably start the birthday off right. They weren't into drinking but they did smoke many things!!!!"


Oh my goodness!! Suddenly, my situation feels a heck of a lot better!!

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by Pooh_Friend#1
On her 21st birthday, her parents took her to Vegas and snuck in an "extra present" on the plane for her so that they could all do it together and suposably start the birthday off right. They weren't into drinking but they did smoke many things!!!!

I have some friends who have parents like that.

Want to know where these friends are? Still living at home working some crappy part-time job because they dropped out of college. Why? Yeah...because of this nasty little habit they picked up.

 

[Hillbeans]

I'm all for a "Friendly" relationship between parents and kids, but giving them drugs or alcohol is absurd.

What also surprises me is how many parents give their kids beer.

I read in Ann Landers about how some guy gives his 2 yo beer and it makes him burp, and the whole family laughs. Ann Landers said that's child abuse.

 

[caitycaity]

i don't have kids, but i can give you my experience from the other side of it.

i also asked my parents when i was about 16 and they were both honest with me (as far as i know). i think it's important to be honest with your kids, and hoinestly, knowing my parent's experiences made me less willing to try because they framed it that way.

also, i don't think smoking pot is a good thing, and i don't do it, but not all people who smoke pot recreationally are "losers." i think some of you might be surprised to find out some of the people in your neighborhood (adults and kids) who do smoke pot.

 

[CEDmom]

I don't have any intention of divulging my past to my daughter. That includes any drug/alcohol use and premarital *ex. Kids may ask but that doesn't mean parents have to tell them. I won't lie but I will probably say something like "we're talking about you not me". I also think that just because a kid asks doesn't always means they really want to know the truth.

 

[Sandy V.]

Thanks again, for the additional responses, everyone.

CED Mom, your mention of *ex reminded me that when my daughter was about 5 or 6, she asked me what *ex was. At that point, in order to give her a VERY general reference before we talked with a little specificity about the mechanics, I started the discussion with, "Honey, *ex is something that married [just had to throw this in at that moment ] people do as one way of showing how much they love each other."

She got really upset and started to cry, saying, "But if you and Daddy love me so much, why can't I do it WITH you?!?!"

Kids!!

 

[browneyes]

I honestly never tried any drugs, so I'll tell my kids that. I did try drinking before I was of age, and I'll tell them that also.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

When I wasn't of age, my parents would let me try some of their drinks they ordered if I wanted to and it never affected me or made me acquire the taste of alcohol.

It took me awhile after 21 to acquire a taste for some liquors and beverages, but I thought my parents letting me have a sip of what they were drinking was good because I never had the need to sneak around their backs, I knew what it tasted like.