Talked Ourselves Out of Going To Maui

[dairyou]

Heck after leaving my 19 year old home for a weekend by herself, I would never do it again...the goings on at my house are still talked about 6 years later. You did the right thing in my eyes, there's a lot that could happen in that house in 6 days. Maui will still be there in three years.

Thanks for saying this. I don't know why but it made me feel better but it did!

Deb

 

[Deb in IA]

Yikes, I didn't even think of that. DH would have wanted to do that too!

I could be wrong, but I don't think she is talking about the helicopter tours.



I think she is calling you a "helicopter parent".

 

[dairyou]

This is the question I was thinking, too.

Friends of ours have always flown separately so one of them would survive if the other's plane went down. They even split up the kids if they were going as a family. Weird thing is that they drive in the same car all the time. That's far more dangerous than flying.

We did this the first time we went away. The boys were toddlers then and we both flew on different planes. We don't do this when we vacation together or drive in a car though

Deb

 

[wvjules]

I can understand not leaving them b/c teenagers will be teenagers. However, I can't wrap my mind around the irrational, IMO, fear of leaving them as orphans?

Will you not travel in a few years because you want to see your sons get married? Will you not travel when they are married and expecting children? Where/when does it end?

Have you considered counseling for these irrational thoughts?

 

[dairyou]

I love vacationing with DS and even though he's only 5 I just can't imagine it ever getting old. People said we'd get tired of it from the first trip we took with him (our 1st anniversary, getting our wedding album, when he was 3 months old) but it's just gotten more and more fun.

So I see nothing helicoptery in not going on vacay without them. It's not like you're going to sit in their rooms and stare at them...you just don't want to die and leave them without you.


Instead of waiting to go without them, why not SAVE the money you had put aside, and save up some more, and taken them with you on an epic trip to Hawaii?! Maybe rent a condo with a few bedrooms? Or save up even more money, invite a relative with you, they could stay in a room with the relative, you could be alone.... They get the fun of being teenagers on a beach, you get some private time (it's not like they're 5!), everyone wins.

We have the money to take them it's just that they would be in school Gone are the days when they were younger and we could take them out of school.

 

[dairyou]

I could be wrong, but I don't think she is talking about the helicopter tours.



I think she is calling you a "helicopter parent".

What is that? I have no idea

 

[dairyou]

I can understand not leaving them b/c teenagers will be teenagers. However, I can't wrap my mind around the irrational, IMO, fear of leaving them as orphans?

Will you not travel in a few years because you want to see your sons get married? Will you not travel when they are married and expecting children? Where/when does it end?

Have you considered counseling for these irrational thoughts?

No, we would go when the boys get older. We would just wait until they are both out of the house and in college. We are kind of looking forward to the time.

And, no we have not considered counseling

 

[Deb in IA]

What is that? I have no idea

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

We've had our living trust set up since the boys were toddlers. That's how paranoid I am. Even having that set up I won't leave them. It was hard at the time to think about the different ages they would inherit their money. More so was trying to figure out who would love your kids as much as you do yourselves. I don't know if that is even possible to find. They would be pretty rich if something was to happen to us. We did just revise the trust 4 years ago and probably need to do it again.

Deb

I also have a very difficult time leaving our two daughters, and we do it rarely. The first time was a 3 day trip down to Disney to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary last year. They were 8 and 9 at the time. I was a total basket case on the drive down but recognized that I can't live my life constrained by fear. We had a wonderful trip. Some things that I had to come to grips with:

1. Nobody will ever love your children as much as you do. This doesn't mean they won't survive and be happy without you.

2. Even if you didn't have money, family would step in to help. We have a will set up with agreed-upon guardians and the kids' financial future is as secure as we can make it, which is pretty secure.

3. You stated that you're paranoid. It only gets worse as you get older unless you start taking conscious steps to stop that behavior. I will be going on vacation with DH again this year for our 16th anniversary without the kids again. I probably will not cry half the way down this time or ask DH to turn the car around. With each successive time away from your kids that turns out ok, you'll feel better.

4. Start small. I'm still on the 3 days away from them is my max. But it's better than not being able to do it at all. Maybe Maui is too big. But you need to do it somewhere, just to prove that you can.

5. Don't leave the kids unsupervised in your house. My parents left me to go on vacation (senior in hs, couldn't miss school) and other kids found out about it and came over without my permission. I let one friend in reluctantly, she let three more in when I didn't see, and it became a problem. I had to call my uncle to get them out of the house, and went and stayed with his family for the rest of time because I was afraid somebody else would come over. Kids are drawn like bees to honey to a house with no grownups around.

 

[terri01p]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent

I think she gets it but is choosing to take the high road. Which a lot more people on these boards should do, why does every other topic on these boards have to turn into something ugly, that gets so old.

 

[Aisling]

What is that? I have no idea

Don't worry. I don't think you're a helicopter parent. And even if you are, that's ok. I used to feel the same way about leaving my kids when they were your kid's ages. When you're not used to going away without them, I can understand your fear. I even feel like that when I leave my dog!

You have to do what you feel comfortable with. You don't want to go away and spend your time worrying. You'll get over that feeling one of these days, and you'll be able to travel without worrying that they'll be orphaned, I promise! Like someone said, Maui will always be there!

 

[Aisling]

I think she gets it but is choosing to take the high road. Which a lot more people on these boards should do, why does every other topic on these boards have to turn into something ugly, that gets so old.

Amen sistah!

 

[minkydog]

Gosh, I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. The kids are nearly adults and you can't leave them for a week to celebrate your anniversary? Within the next two years they will be out of the house doing God know what. Now is exactly the time to help them*and you* begin to separate.

I do not take what I'm saying lightly. I am very attached to my kids and I don't leave them often. But I do leave them behind when my DH asks me to spend some time devoted only to him. He doesn't ask that often, so I feel that I need to honor that. I probably would not leave the 18yo in charge of the 16yo. That's just me. I would have an adult there to supervise(you'd have to know my oldest.)

OP, I do sympathize with your feelings. I find it hard to leave the kids. But I do it because *I* need to. In two years DH & I will be nearly empty-nesters. Only our youngest now-14yo son will be with us. He's very mentally disabled and we know that he will be moving to a group home or host home setting, probably before he gets out of high school. I have a terrible time leaving him behind, mainly becuase it's so hard to find someone that I think is capable with him. But if I don't occasionally let him go I know it's going to be extremely difficult when that time has to come.

Good luck. I'm sorry you missed out on Hawaii. Like someone else said, Hawaii will always be there.

 

[dairyou]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent

hahah. As I read this I guess I could fall into being a helicopter parent. Thanks for letting me know that's what I could be. DH will get a kick out of it.

Not too long ago I was considered a bad mom because I let me son stay out until 1 am!

 

[dairyou]

For those who have addressed leaving the kids alone. Believe me we have thought of that. We've had so many discussions about that the boys are tired of hearing it. If we did go we would have left on a Saturday night. Come back on Friday. The choice was to have them spend the night at a friends house or have a youth group minister supervise as they had their "party". They said they only wanted to have 10 people over and we were okay with that. We did tell them not to let everyone know but we were well aware of what could happen. We live in a quiet "retired" or "older" neighborhood so they knew that people would be keeping an eye on them. Friends and family said they would stop by everyday to check on them.

But, it doesn't matter anyhow since we're not going.

Deb

 

[PaddingtonBear]

my mom died in a car wreck at the end of her block. You can't live life in the fear of what could happen. If I did I'd never get in a car again.

But, your not-so-sane reasons for canceling the trip aside, I think its wise that you did so. No way I'd leave kids that age alone with us so far away. I can only imagine the things you'd never think you kids would do that would be done ;-)

 

[Traveliz]

I could be wrong, but I don't think she is talking about the helicopter tours.



I think she is calling you a "helicopter parent".

Ok and when I read the first inference to helicopter - I thought - gosh its a pretty remote chance they will be involved in a helicopter accident similar to the one that happened last weekend in NYC!.

I will just close my eyes and go back to bed now.

Liz

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

For the record, my agreement with the helicopter post: thinking she was seeing black helicopters (not being a helicopter parent), as in paranoid about the remote possibility of dying while traveling. I don't get into how people parent.

Can't live your life in fear...

 

[KSchwagg86]

OT, but where in the world did you find a deal like that?

 

[disykat]

I don't think there is anything remotely helicopterish about not wanting to fly thousands of miles from your kids for a week.

I have a plane thing too. I know it's not rational, and I do still fly, but I always think I might die. I have only flown away from my kids once and it did make me uncomfortable. We had a will etc. and they were with family, but I still had nervous thoughts. Many people have these fears - don't let anyone be DISnasty to you.

How about taking a vacation at a closer location where you can drive? I agree with the other poster - Maui will still be there in a few years.