Taking foster kids to WDW

[wildlandmedic]

Are there any foster parents here who have had to deal with the debate of whether to take a foster kid to WDW?

For those of you who are not foster parents please don't judge me, we love every child who comes through our household.

Here is where the debate comes in. Keep in mind our foster children come into our house and are often gone withing 9-10 months. We currently have an almost 3 yr old daughter that has been with us for 6 months. We expected her to be returning to her family before our vacation in November. She will not be returning quite that soon, but shortly after. We have made reservations (dining and resort) for my wife, me and our ds6 and dd4.

Should we feel guilty about not taking our foster daughter with us? We want to take her because of her age, but it is going to be the only time this year with our birth children and no one else.

If we don't take her, does anyone have any suggestions on how to dance around the issue with her, or how to handle things as soon as we get home??

We are really at a loss, on one hand, we feel like we are excluding her. On the other, we want family time with just our children. HELP!

 

[pfp258]

I'm not sure I understand...you agree to have foster children in your home hopefully to enhance their lives and provide support and unconditional love. Leaving that child behind so that you can vacation with your biological children seems to be sending the wrong message not only to the foster child but your own children as well. The message being to the foster child... you are part of our family sort of...but we only want to take our "real" children on vacation with us. I guess I just don't understand. It seems mean and although I am not sure a three year old would completely understand, I just don't understand why you agree to foster children and don't think to include them in all your families activities for however long they are in your home. (I am assuming that they are in your home because of an unsafe or unstable home environment and that the date for their departure is not always predictable.)
Sorry for sounding judgemental, but our family often thinks how wonderful it would be to take children in unfortunate home circumstances and bring them to Disney with us for a week of fun. And although we have not been able to realize that dream...I am proud that my children recognize that not all have the safe, stable family life that they have.

 

[tinkslite]

We fostered in CA and in NV and with the exception of a few short stays (a few days, or a couple of weeks) ALL my kids went on vacation with us; mostly to Disneyland (just because that happens to be where we most vacation). I NEVER left a foster child behind! Even when we went to Utah for a family Memorial Service our foster son went with us and in the program was listed with "Great Grandchildren,"
I think you should take you OWN CHILDREN out to a movie or dinner while the 3 year old is on a family visit (if she is in a reunification mode, she has regular family visitation). THAT is the appropriate time to use for time together, NOT excluding the child from this opportunity (that likely will not be repeated by her own family).
We have had to drop kids suddenly from Priority Seatings (we explained to CMs on the phone and were NEVER given anything but sympathetic and prompt service).
Have fun on your vacation!

 

[kpm76]

I completely agree with the PP. If you are anxious to spend time with just your biological children, perhaps it's time to forgo the foster parenting. I thought people who agreed to seve in this capacity included the children in all family related activites. The poor child has no say in when he/she will be returned to their biological family and should not be punished because they are living under your roof at an inconvenient time. Sorry if this is judgemental but I am appalled that you would even consider leaving a child under your care behind.

 

[hmacmahony]

WOW!! Judgemental much?!?! How many children have your fostered in your family?

To the OP, we have not fostered any children, so I am really not sure what we would do. It has to be a very hard choice for you to make. I would not feel guilty if you did not take her, she is going home to her real (is that okay to say), family very shortly after you get home. In her little three year old mind, within months she will forget you. NOT that is any reason NOT to take her, but she is 3. I also know it will cost you money, you would have to stay in a larger resort, pay for tickets, souviners, etc for a child that would be leaving you very shortly after returing home. I also know the state doesn't give you extra money for doing things like this.
I know you have to get permession to take her out of state anyway, right? I also know that she would spend the time you are gone with another foster family. The system has back up plans for when things like this happen. I gurantee you are not the only foster family to decide not to take a foster child on vacation with them.
You have two children at home, both are fairly young. Adding a 3 can be a big deal. While 3 is SUCH a magical age, espically at disney, I know this can not be an easy choice to make for you. YOu want the time with your biological children, and I completly understand that. I think it is courageous of you and your family to open not only your house, your love, your family to children in need, but lets face it, it is not the easiest thing to do either. I know it can be very stressful, and to want a vacation with your biological children is not a bad thing at all.

I hope you figure out what is best for you, and know she is only 3. She has no concept of what disney is, espically if she has never been. She will not miss it if you don't take her. Bring her back something special, she will be thrilled.

I'm not sure I understand...you agree to have foster children in your home hopefully to enhance their lives and provide support and unconditional love. Leaving that child behind so that you can vacation with your biological children seems to be sending the wrong message not only to the foster child but your own children as well. The message being to the foster child... you are part of our family sort of...but we only want to take our "real" children on vacation with us. I guess I just don't understand. It seems mean and although I am not sure a three year old would completely understand, I just don't understand why you agree to foster children and don't think to include them in all your families activities for however long they are in your home. (I am assuming that they are in your home because of an unsafe or unstable home environment and that the date for their departure is not always predictable.)
Sorry for sounding judgemental, but our family often thinks how wonderful it would be to take children in unfortunate home circumstances and bring them to Disney with us for a week of fun. And although we have not been able to realize that dream...I am proud that my children recognize that not all have the safe, stable family life that they have.

 

[minniebeth]

Op, I don't really have advice for you since I'm not in your position, but I just want to say thank you to you and others who lovingly take children into your family. It's a beautiful gift.

 

[sunnyday123]

So where is she staying while you are at Disney?? You asked if you should feel guilty. Yep, you should. If you want just one on one time with your children, you shouldn't foster other children. How will you explain to her why you're gone for a week? I guess I see this differently than most, but I personally wouldn't be able to do that.

 

[BBG-BLT]

I don't have much to say regarding your question.

Thank you for being so giving and providing for children who need a safe place to live. I believe it is very giving to let another child into your home day in and day out when they can really impact your children. I'm sure whatever you decide it will bring you peace.

 

[MomTo4+more]

Having fostered about 70 childfren, I can completely see where you are coming from. Your family does need time to be a family or you will burn out and not be able to continue doing foster care. Foster care is hard!! These children are loveable kids, but they do have unique challenges that I don't think can be fully understood or appreciated if you have never been afoster parent.

Your post sounds like you planned this trip thinking this child would be reunited with her family by the time you went. Perhaps you would have taken her along if you anticipated her being with you longer. Now you have gotten into the mindset of using this as family time, and things have changed in the child's case plan. Only you know the best decision for your family.

Since she is so close to being reunified, she should be having more frequent visits and maybe even overnights with her family. That is a priority right now more than an opportunity to see Disneyworld. She needs consistent time with her family, so she can more easily adjust when she is returned home.

Perhaps as you plan Disney things, you could plan fun things for her and her family. Maybe give her parents the money to take her to Chuck E. Cheese or another fuun children's place near you. Let her pick out special clothes for family visits. Let her get games or activities to do with her family. Then she has something fun to do with them and is making precious memories with them. You could even give her a disposable or a child's camera and have her take pictures of her time visiting family and doing fun things with her respite family. Enthusiastically enjoy her pictures when you get home.

Foster families give a lot of themselves. As foster parents we need to be careful to prioritize our own children and not let them get lost in doing good for the foster children. It's not that you don't love the foster children, but they are not your own - your children are. Your children have been entrusted to you first and forever and you can't take that lightly.

I try to be careful to let the children who pass through my home feel like they belong, but the truth is they want to know they still belong to their family. They love their families despite the issues they face. They identify with their families. If they start to feel like I am trying to replace their parents or make my family theirs, they feel threatened. They don't want to lose their family. They know they are loved here too, but they know there is a difference between here and home.

You know all the dynamics in your household. You know what will be best. Don't feel guilty making that choice. Help this precious little girl feel excited about the things that are coming in her life. They may not be fair or the same as what your children get, but she has a family. Her family is getting her back. She needs to be able to be excited about THAT.

 

[kevschickee]

So where is she staying while you are at Disney?? You asked if you should feel guilty. Yep, you should. If you want just one on one time with your children, you shouldn't foster other children. How will you explain to her why you're gone for a week? I guess I see this differently than most, but I personally wouldn't be able to do that.

I agree

 

[Mary976]

I understand the desire to spend time with just your biological children. If you are fostering children and you know it's going to be temporary (as opposed to a situation where you are fostering with the goal to adopt), there can be a tension around fully including them. I think including them in everything can sometimes make it that much more painful to let them go someday. Now, I say that not to excuse not including a child in a trip or activity, but just as an acknowledgment that it can be very painful to have a child with you only for a time. I hope that you are able to make a decision that you feel will work for everyone.

Mary

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

From the perspective of a previous foster child, I have to tell you that I think it's a bad idea to leave her behind. She may not understand what Disney is all about, but she knows she's being left behind and a 3yo has no real concept of time so no matter how many times she's told she probably thinks she's being abandoned again.

When I was in foster care I was older, but my foster family left me in another foster home while they went on vacation because my real parents refused to give them permission to take me and although I knew that was why I couldn't go I still felt awful.

I really think that as other posters have said, when you agree to foster you are agreeing to bring children into your home as part of your family. Would you leave one of your biological children at home and take the other to Disney? I imagine it must be heartbreaking to have a child in your home for that length of time, fall in love with her, then have to send her back home, but that's what fostering is and foster children deserve to be treated as "real" children. I always hated feeling like I wasn't worth as much as the biological children were so I don't mean to be harsh, I'm just feeling for this little girl.

 

[MomTo4+more]

So where is she staying while you are at Disney?? You asked if you should feel guilty. Yep, you should. If you want just one on one time with your children, you shouldn't foster other children. How will you explain to her why you're gone for a week? I guess I see this differently than most, but I personally wouldn't be able to do that.

I used to think like this before I fostered over 30 children in a year. That takes a toll on a family. The options are, stop doing it at all or take breaks now and then. Trips like Disney require advance planning. The child welfare system changed their plans for this child thus interfering with the planning the op did. Now she is faced with a hard choice.

If people didn't foster b/c they wanted one on one time with their children, there wouldn't be many foster homes. You'd be left with the ones that are in it for the money and do a lousy job at it. In order for foster families to be any good and to last any length of time, there have to be breaks.

 

[princessmom29]

I personally don't think i could look at her little face and tell her that she can't go. I just wouldn't have the heart to leave any child living in my household behind. It is like stamping "foster child. NOT my real kid" across her forehead. This is my perspective, and it comes for having taught my fair share of fosters over the years. I really would think it wopuld be hard for her to know she wasn't going, and she would have to know why you are leaving her behind, even at that age. Kids undrstand a lot more than we want them to sometimes. Not trying to be critical at all. I really feel that those who foster are giving a wonderful gifts, but this is how I owuld think it would look for her perspective given the fosters I have worked with.

 

[mouseketeer_mom]

Having fostered about 70 childfren, I can completely see where you are coming from. Your family does need time to be a family or you will burn out and not be able to continue doing foster care. Foster care is hard!! These children are loveable kids, but they do have unique challenges that I don't think can be fully understood or appreciated if you have never been afoster parent.

Your post sounds like you planned this trip thinking this child would be reunited with her family by the time you went. Perhaps you would have taken her along if you anticipated her being with you longer. Now you have gotten into the mindset of using this as family time, and things have changed in the child's case plan. Only you know the best decision for your family.

Since she is so close to being reunified, she should be having more frequent visits and maybe even overnights with her family. That is a priority right now more than an opportunity to see Disneyworld. She needs consistent time with her family, so she can more easily adjust when she is returned home.

Perhaps as you plan Disney things, you could plan fun things for her and her family. Maybe give her parents the money to take her to Chuck E. Cheese or another fuun children's place near you. Let her pick out special clothes for family visits. Let her get games or activities to do with her family. Then she has something fun to do with them and is making precious memories with them. You could even give her a disposable or a child's camera and have her take pictures of her time visiting family and doing fun things with her respite family. Enthusiastically enjoy her pictures when you get home.

Foster families give a lot of themselves. As foster parents we need to be careful to prioritize our own children and not let them get lost in doing good for the foster children. It's not that you don't love the foster children, but they are not your own - your children are. Your children have been entrusted to you first and forever and you can't take that lightly.

I try to be careful to let the children who pass through my home feel like they belong, but the truth is they want to know they still belong to their family. They love their families despite the issues they face. They identify with their families. If they start to feel like I am trying to replace their parents or make my family theirs, they feel threatened. They don't want to lose their family. They know they are loved here too, but they know there is a difference between here and home.

You know all the dynamics in your household. You know what will be best. Don't feel guilty making that choice. Help this precious little girl feel excited about the things that are coming in her life. They may not be fair or the same as what your children get, but she has a family. Her family is getting her back. She needs to be able to be excited about THAT.

To the OP, although I've never fostered children, this person has. This poster has insightful responses and the experience to back it up. Good luck with your decision. God Bless for everything you do.

 

[brekin67]

We have always taken our foster children with us. I think that if she is going home soon after you return from your trip, you should check with your case worker to see if she could go on an extended overnight visit with her biological family while you are gone. We have had lots of kids that have gone home for a weekend or week right before they returned home to get readjusted to their biological family. Don't feel bad if you get negative responses from your post. It is impossible to know when the kids are coming and going. You can not put your family on hold waiting to see if you will have kids or not during that time. Sometimes, it is just not possible to foresee who will or will not be in your home. We have had kids in at a moments notice and leave just as quickly. Disney is a vacation that has to be planned months in advance. Don't feel bad about a missed trip to Disney, feel good that you are fostering children.

 

[miprender]

OP... I have never fostered a family but I can still understand wanting just to spend some family time alone in Disney. This doesnt mean you dont love your foster children, but your family time is still important.

I would not let other people make you feel guilty. You are doing something wonderful for these children.

 

[MichelleVW]

I'm not going to tell you that you should feel guilty, but I am telling you that I personally would feel guilty. I would take her, but that's just me...

 

[wildlandmedic]

Well as I had expected, shortly after I posted this, let the argument begin. I do notice a distinct trend. The people who think I am a horrible, awful, mean person do not fully understand the situation. No, I am not saying you are stupid, only that you don't realize everything that goes with fostering a child.

First, Brekin and Momto4+, Tink thank you for the encouraging words.

Mrsbornkuntry, thank you as well. It is nice to hear from someone who has dealt with "the system" from your side.

Fostering children is not a matter of someone bringing a child to your home and you raise them. There is so much more than just the normal feeding, playing, bathing and cleaning up after like any kid. We have to spend time in court on the child's behalf. We take one daughter to visitation with her parents 3 times a week as well as a visitation with her grandmother once a week. We have meetings with case workers, and parents. We have doctors and dentists appointments. Keep in mind this child may be with us 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months or until they are adopted.

PFP, as much as it will probably irk you, yes a foster child is part of our family. However, they play a different role in our family than our children. These kids are not orphans. They have not been abandoned. They have mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They also have foster parents, grandparents, etc... We are not trying to replace their parents. We are giving them a home while their parents are going through some stuff that they don't need to be around.

Sunny, please refer to above. Our children are ours. Foster children are someone elses that we care for like our own. My children need to know that they are #1 in my life. That doesn't mean that foster children are any less important, get less to eat, fewer toys or less attention. But if it came down to it, I would choose to stop fostering children rather than give up my own kids.

Tink, unfortunately we live in the middle of the country. We can only "afford" a disney trip every few years. (in quotes because we all know afford means scrape together enough money to do what you probably can't afford, but we only live once.) If this were a drivable destination or a long weekend, it would be another story. We are going back to court on thursday, and are considering requesting the father get her for 3+ nights. He is currently getting overnight weekend visits.

This little girl is almost 3. She will not remember WDW if we were to take her. Yes, I am sure she would have a great time. As was stated by one of the other posters, she has no real concept of WDW. If she were 6 or 8, it wouldn't be a question. I know I will get comments about being willing to take an 8 yr old, but not a 3 yr old.

In a completely encouraging and friendly manner I offer this advice. To those of you who would love to open your home to a child. Stop making excuses. There are always reasons in life to not do something. Why do we let those reasons outweigh the reasons to do something We are by no means wealthy. I am a paramedic working from check to check. My wife chooses not to work so that she can be a foster mother. We have traded our weekend vacations for a dvd at home. We have traded date nights for putting the kids to bed a little earlier and watching tv in bed. Excuses are easy, but loving someone is even easier.

 

[momtolots]

As someone who currently fosters, I can tell you that I have done both. In 2005, we went to WDW and took everyone, which at the time was 4 kids. Earlier this year, my DH, DD4, and DS2, went to Jamaica for 1wk. We did not take our 17yr old because of school. We also did not take our 3 foster children, who were 9, 10,11. It was explained to them that we needed time with just the little ones, and everyone understood this to the best of their ability. We take in special needs children, and taking them to JA, was just not feasible. We also needed time as a couple, which is very difficult to do when you are fostering. Having said that, we are going to WDW from Dec. 28, 2009-Jan.8 2010. We are driving down, and are taking everyone,(7 Children) including Nana. We are staying offsite in a 6bdrm house. Is there an extra cost..definitely. Is it worth it...definitely. I have also allowed for the fact that we may have an additional child, as we currently have an available bed in our home.
I support whatever you decide, and may you be at peace with your decision. Good luck