Taking Disney Trip from Kids. Need Advice!

[kcwiak]

My husband and I planned our end of September trip last year as a BB offer for us and our two kids. They are not aware of the trip.

The kids' behavior has been horrible the last 2-3 months and I do not feel that we should be rewarding them with a trip to Disney. So now we are thinking of sending them to the grandparents and DH and I going alone.

I don't want to feel bad about this. I don't want to feel guilty about not taking them. Would I be a horrible parent to do this? Do we tell them that we are going to WDW and they could have but their behavior stunk?

Please help!!

 

[gules]

It might depend partially on how old your kids are. Ultimately it's your decision as a parent, but the younger they are the less likely they are to understand the time gap between "you were bad last month" and "...so now you can't go to Disney."

 

[mediadiva]

My husband and I planned our end of September trip last year as a BB offer for us and our two kids. They are not aware of the trip.

The kids' behavior has been horrible the last 2-3 months and I do not feel that we should be rewarding them with a trip to Disney. So now we are thinking of sending them to the grandparents and DH and I going alone.

I don't want to feel bad about this. I don't want to feel guilty about not taking them. Would I be a horrible parent to do this? Do we tell them that we are going to WDW and they could have but their behavior stunk?

Please help!!

See if you can delay the trip about another 6 months? Can you do that with that sort of thing? It sounds like you will feel guilty if you go without them. So i would say cancel entirely and take money and you and DH go someplace else. or B) give them some consequences for their actions. Tell them you had planned the trip but because they have mis-behaved you are canceling it (even if you delay it) and thats that. Then if they improve in the next 6 months that can go. Not sure if I would tell them about the trip. I would just tell them I canceled it. Otherwise the still get it despite being bad, but they don't have to know you simply delayed it. Not sure, thats my thoughts but I've never had to do that before. I had originally planned to get my 5yo a barbie dream house for birthday last week. I didn't, her behavior is often just not what it should be. She got barbies but no dream house and I told her maybe for Christmas but I didn't make a big deal out of it because she's still a bit young. it makes me feel better not getting her the super expensive gift and so she can get it when she's more mature. I didn't make a big deal out of telling it to her because I think a kid knows when they are being spoiled and she knows she simply didn't get what she asked for. I've always gotten them what they ask for (within limits), so I know she knows.

 

[mediadiva]

and also here is another thing. I've told my 5yo if she has tantrums in Disney World she will have to stay at the hotel with Daddy while me and her older sister go to the park. My husband is bringing his computer and he would not mind at all so it is a great backup for us for bad behavior. My oldest does not misbehave and I don't want her to miss-out because of her sister.

I also had to tell her a few weeks ago as she had asked if she could get Belle Gloves at the park and she was told she could get them but after some bad behavior I told her she will not be getting them. She will ask again at the park and I will tell her why she can't get them. She gets a dress, which I am not going to take away for bad behavior but I will be taking away other little things (they each get 3 treats during the week while we are there like, ice cream, cotton candy etc) and I can "take away" those items for bad behavior. I am personally really looking forward to this trip, and we will do whatever we can to make sure the 5yo does not make it miserable. If I wind up spending 5 days at the park with my oldest running around having fun then thats fine, and my husband could use a break from work and he loves the sun so he will be happy to sit outside while the little one plays with rocks, as long as he has his laptop he doesn't care.

I am crossing my fingers she behaves and we have a great time because I made LOADS of FP meet and greets for the little one, which I can also take away if she misbehaves. My oldest doesn't care much for princesses outside of Elsa.

 

[kcwiak]

It might depend partially on how old your kids are. Ultimately it's your decision as a parent, but the younger they are the less likely they are to understand the time gap between "you were bad last month" and "...so now you can't go to Disney."

They are 8 and 10. I think old enough to know but I'm not a child psychologist. Lol

 

[Happyjen27]

Did they know about this consequence when making these choices?

If they didn't know that their choices could lead to them being left behind while you and DH go to Disney, I probably wouldn't spring it on them after the fact.

If you and DH don't want to bring them, then don't, but I wouldn't spring this consequence into things when they didn't know it even existed. I would just say that Mommy and Daddy are going on vacation.

As to whether you would feel bad about it. I wouldn't feel bad if I set expectations and explained consequences, and they failed to meet the expectations, then that is on them, and I wouldn't feel bad. Nor would I feel bad about taking a solo trip with just DH. I would feel bad to blame this on them, and have them feeling the awful feeling of being left behind because they haven't had good behavior. I feel like that might be setting them up for some serious psychological damage, since they didn't even know this was a possibility.

As to feeling guilty, I would never feel guilty to enjoy a trip with just me and DH. I would feel guilty if I laid this big of a guilt trip on my kids, with no way to give them a second chance. Especially since they didn't know what was on the line in the first place.

As to horrible parent, I think most parents are doing the best they can, you included.

 

[kcwiak]

Thanks Mediadiva! The problem with canceling or delaying is that this is my vacation and favorite place too. I don't want to delay for another year (we only go in Fall),use FD and not have my vacation I worked so hard for because they cannot behave. At 8 and 10 they have already been to Disney 2x and I just feel like they need to behave in order to receive such a gift.

I don't know what to do

 

[kohlby]

If you want to take a trip without them, then do so. I would not tell them they would have been able to come if they had behaved better - they didn't know that good behavior was going to be rewarded with a trip to Disney in the first place.

We don't use family vacations as rewards for good behavior here - I've actually found my kids behave better on vacation and it's also about having time together. But, if you were to use it as a reward, they should at least know that's your intention before you take away something they had no idea about. If you feel you need an emotional break from the kids due to their behavior, then go ahead with the adult-only trip - but I wouldn't inform them that they could have gone too if they had behaved.

Also, try to consider why they're not behaving and what can be done to remedy it. Some kids act up more when they're bored - which a summer vacation from school can certainly cause. I'm a homeschooler and find that they behave much worse with 2 weeks off than 1 week - and our school day doesn't even take very long. The impact is huge though, especially on my 8 year old. (My 11 year old did fine with it this year - but at 10 and younger, it did impact him in a big way too).

 

[kcwiak]

Did they know about this consequence when making these choices? If they didn't know that their choices could lead to them being left behind while you and DH go to Disney, I probably wouldn't spring it on them after the fact. If you and DH don't want to bring them, then don't, but I wouldn't spring this consequence into things when they didn't know it even existed. I would just say that Mommy and Daddy are going on vacation. As to whether you would feel bad about it. I wouldn't feel bad if I set expectations and explained consequences, and they failed to meet the expectations, then that is on them, and I wouldn't feel bad. Nor would I feel bad about taking a solo trip with just DH. I would feel bad to blame this on them, and have them feeling the awful feeling of being left behind because they haven't had good behavior. I feel like that might be setting them up for some serious psychological damage, since they didn't even know this was a possibility. As to feeling guilty, I would never feel guilty to enjoy a trip with just me and DH. I would feel guilty if I laid this big of a guilt trip on my kids, with no way to give them a second chance. Especially since they didn't know what was on the line in the first place. As to horrible parent, I think most parents are doing the best they can, you included.

You are right. It would be awful for us to say 'hey we were going to take you but we are not now because you are heathens'. That would be cruel. My mind is just spent from all the stress of this summer. I don't know if this is a phase they are going through or what but I am losing it!

DH and I always feel guilty when we do things without the kids. And they are good at helping us feel that way :-/ I don't remember the last time we even went out to dinner without the kids.

Well if we decide to go without them we will not say a word about it having been planned for the 4 of us originally. Thank you HappyJen27 !

 

[mediadiva]

Thanks Mediadiva! The problem with canceling or delaying is that this is my vacation and favorite place too. I don't want to delay for another year (we only go in Fall),use FD and not have my vacation I worked so hard for because they cannot behave. At 8 and 10 they have already been to Disney 2x and I just feel like they need to behave in order to receive such a gift.

I don't know what to do

Well it sounds like you def want to go, its up to you at this point if you want to start fresh and give them a chance to go if they behave from now on out, or just cut your loses and don't make a big deal out of it and tell them you and dad are going on a trip alone.

 

[kcwiak]

Also, try to consider why they're not behaving and what can be done to remedy it. Some kids act up more when they're bored - which a summer vacation from school can certainly cause. I'm a homeschooler and find that they behave much worse with 2 weeks off than 1 week - and our school day doesn't even take very long. The impact is huge though, especially on my 8 year old. (My 11 year old did fine with it this year - but at 10 and younger, it did impact him in a big way too).

I think you are right about why they are being this way. Summer is hard. And we have just moved into a new town/state a month before school ended and while they have made friends, it is different for them. UGH, I feel like such a horrible parent!

Thank you for the advice!!

 

[mediadiva]

I think you are right about why they are being this way. Summer is hard. And we have just moved into a new town/state a month before school ended and while they have made friends, it is different for them. UGH, I feel like such a horrible parent!

Thank you for the advice!!

You are not a horrible parent. Its hard!

 

[kohlby]

Agree - totally not a horrible parent! I struggle with my 8 year old quite a bit - even taking time off out of the equation. I've learned the best technique for discipline is separating us - before I do something or say something that I'd regret. I have to constantly remind myself that though her behavior is effecting us quite a bit, that it effects her too, that it has to be scary to her to be so out of control or to feel the way she does that prompts the bad behavior. I'm trying - and that's what makes me a good parent. I don't do things the right way all the time, but I'm trying and learning. I'll have it all figured out by the time she's 25.

Also, don't forget about your needs. You need time to refresh so you have more to give back to your children as well. That's why I mention that if you need this Disney trip without the kids emotionally, that you should do it. And not feel guilty - as you'll come back with more energy and patience to give back to your kids. If you don't feel you need it, I still would suggest finding a way to get a little time off, even if it's just a few date nights.

 

[jtowntoflorida]

OK, at first I was all on board with you taking away the trip. But then when you posted that (1) they didn't even know about the trip; and (2) you guys just moved...well, I can see why they've been awful, so maybe taking the trip away right now isn't the best move.

Here's what I would do: sit them down when they're not being stinkers, when everyone can talk rationally. Tell them that you have a Disney trip planned, but that if their behavior does not improve by X date, they're not going, and instead you and your husband will go alone. Tell them that you understand that moving is hard, but this is tough on everyone and it's no excuse for bad behavior. They've had time to transition and now it's time for them to settle into their new normal.

But then you have to stick by the ultimatum. If their behavior doesn't improve, take the trip away. I think for an 8 and 10 year old that will be a valuable lesson.

We did an interstate move 2 years ago, and my kids were much younger and hadn't started school yet (my oldest was going to be starting kindergarten) and the move was much, much rougher on them than I expected it to be. That summer was tough on all of us. But we made it through, and we're all happily settled in.

On a related note...if the behavior doesn't improve and you have to take the trip away, don't feel guilty about going alone. You and your husband deserve time alone, and if this does end up being a family trip, then you should at least try going out a few times without the kids. They'll live without you for a few hours...I promise!

 

[MSSANDRA]

Getting a bit of time away from your kids does not make you a bad parent. It is a great way to strengthen your marriage and therefor your family. Taking away your once a year family vacation because you have had a stressful summer with the kids after a move, IN MY OPINION is a poor choice. Two separate issues entirely. Work on behavior management and helping to adjust to a new situation without denying them what seems to be a much needed family vacation.

 

[Sugardimples]

Poor grandma if she gets stuck with them while you go! I wouldn't want to be in her shoes!

 

[kcwiak]

Thank you all very much!! I am going to use a lot of this advice. DH and I REALLY need alone time and would love to do this trip alone. Unfortunately, we have no family around us and when DH called his parents this morning in NJ to take them for that week (we were going to change their plane tix from Orlando to NJ) they said no. Both my parents have passed and I have no one else to ask.

We are going to sit down and tell them about the trip. Since I can't say we will take it away now, I am going to tell them they can earn money between now and then for spending based on their behavior and they get nothing else if they don't have the money. I am also going to make reservations for two nights at a kids club for us to have a couple date nights. Now of I could just get into Le Cellier my life would be perfect! LOL

Seriously, thank you all from talking me off the ledge.

 

[Tangelders Ahoy]

My husband and I planned our end of September trip last year as a BB offer for us and our two kids. They are not aware of the trip.

The kids' behavior has been horrible the last 2-3 months and I do not feel that we should be rewarding them with a trip to Disney. So now we are thinking of sending them to the grandparents and DH and I going alone.

I don't want to feel bad about this. I don't want to feel guilty about not taking them. Would I be a horrible parent to do this? Do we tell them that we are going to WDW and they could have but their behavior stunk?

Please help!!

I'm going to reach out on a limb here because I know what you are going through. My 6 year old has been giving my dh and I a run for our money and we have a lot of "special" things planned for him for the end of summer but I really want to take it away for his behavior with us. The bottom line though is he is only young once and that is how I look at it. If I was in your shoes, I would never forgive myself for taking a trip to Disney without him. Most of my fun there is seeing everything through a child's eyes. I couldn't do it. Good luck!

 

[Saimaeve]

To me, our trip to Disney this year is about family.

I wouldn't take it away because it was earned it is part of our life as a family.

If they have been acting out, maybe there is something causing it. My 8 yo daughter has had a rough few months but instead of punishing her, we're looking into causes for the behavior and got her into therapy. Sure enough, she was having a difficult time adjusting to our recent relocation.(we moved from South Dakota to Arizona in the middle of a semester) So instead of punishing her for emotions and things she didn't quite understand how to express, we sought help to give her the tools she needs to know how to handle things better. We've noticed much less acting out.

Also, it just seems cruel to go on it yourself because "It's your favorite place" and you don't want to wait.

Family works together when one member is struggling.

And if they didn't know about it, taking it away won't help their behavior. Because they didnt realize the stakes. It comes across more as well I want this as my own trip now and you guys aren't invited.

If you want to take a trip by yourself that's fine! But don't take away the family vacation.

Part of our trip's purpose is to help our family deal with a lot of changes lately! My husband came home from a recent long term duty overseas where we did not see him for well over a year. Then as soon as he came back, we packed up and moved across country. And he has been home more than he ever has before so adjusting to him not deploying every year has been rough. So this is a family building trip. Im sure her issues will be better once she sees that we are in this together.

O'hana means Family, Family means no one gets left behind. . . or forgotten.

 

[Oodalally13]

I remember being a kid and it was summertime before our family vacation and I must have been being a brat. He made this drawing that was 2 ears and a tongue. When I wouldn't listen or do what I was told, he would color in the ears. If I talked back he colored in the tongue. He said if it was all colored in the. We wouldn't go on vacation. I remember he would walk me to the fridge and make me watch as he colored it when I would misbehave. The worse the issue, the more he colored. I changed my ways really quick.