Taking care of your spouse

[violetrose]

I'm from the North, where we fix our plates and cups of coffee.

Everything in our house is split 50/50. We both work full-time and our chores are split out among all the members of our family (2 teenagers, 1 adult child and me and DH).

My mother never really waited on my father either, nor did MIL wait on my FIL. Even in the days where a woman's place was in the home, both my mother and my MIL worked outside the home and has husbands who were supportive of their careers and helping them maintain the home.

 

[novajeanjellybean]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

I just wanted to say that I completely understand, mines does that too. It drives me crazy some days. I try to anticipate what he asks and do it when I do in order to not be irritated too much. BTW I've never even thought about him wanting attention and it may be that also.

 

[elainesj]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

My hubby is like that too and it grated on me a lot in the early days of our marriage. You've expressed your annoyance with it to him, and I did the same thing. We talked and talked and talked....and eventually I realised that it was just his "language of love". I didn't approve (and still don't really LOL!!) but for his obscure male brain, everytime I got up and did the extra effort to bring him a glass of water, it meant "I love you". And when it causes me trouble to do it, he's even happier.

That said, he in turn does a lot of things to make me happy. I've taken a lot of things as my "due" over the years...lots of expectations of what a husband should do and contribute. But every once in a while I take the time to notice that he does a LOT of things because he knows it will make me happy (yes, I have him firmly wrapped around my little finger LOL!!) so to do the little things that will make him happy....well, that takes my resentment out of it altogether.

So, I get him his water and looking at it from a different perspective really helped me in the sense that it no longer bugged me or made me resentful.

One thing I do insist on though...he helps a lot in the house. He's always changed diapers and been involved with the kids. Yes I serve him his water (he doesn't drink coffee), but he sure doesn't get waited on hand and foot! Sure, he'd prefer not to do these things. I'd prefer not to either! I just found he was much happier helping when he thinks of it as helping me instead of him actually being responsible for it. works for us....we're rather old-fashioned, in a modern way.

 

[princesspiglet]

I totally get where you are coming from OP. My DH was like that for the first couple years of marriage until I voiced my complaints. He grew up with Ward and June and his mother waited on the family hand and foot. I did not grow up like that at all. I was a latch-key kid and I was expected to do my fair share of stuff around the house and I learned at an early age to fend for myself- as did my brother and my dad.

We now split everything 50/50 and we are both much happier for it.

You just need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.

 

[Purple Nightshade]

I'm more than happy to get my husband a cup of coffee, a bowl of ice cream, whatever he wants. I don't see it as waiting on him I see it as being a loving wife. Now before I get bashed, he does plenty for me. Dinner is made every night when I get home from work and he cleans house like nobody else on the planet. It's all give and take in a marriage

 

[Pakey]

We always split everything but it wasn't 50/50 as I've always worked a lot more hours than my husband. When we lived in the country, he had so much yard work and now that we live in the city and have a gardener, he's got more time to contribute inside. And except for the last 5 years, we've always had a housekeeper.

When I got sick 5 years ago, everything shifted and he has taken care of almost everything from that point on. I still work but frequently I don't have the energy for long days. Now when I get home from work, dinner is waiting and he cleans the kitchen afterwards. Since we both work, most housework is done on the weekends and if I have the energy, I do it. If not, he does it after his Saturday golf game. If it doesn't get done this week, neither of us think the world will collapse.

My husband has always been the type to take care of himself and he rarely asks me for anything. After 30 years, if he were to ask me to make him a cup of coffee, I'd look at him to see if he'd grown a second head.

 

[acejka]

I usually get up and make his breakfast and lunch while he showers in the morning. And if he wants me to bring him something, I will. He brings me stuff if I ask.

Right now I'm pretty slacking on these things- the pregnancy exhaustion is kicking my butt big time, it's more the other way around these days. Right now we are working together on the housework and whatnot. One thing he always does for me is put away the clean dishes and take out the trash.

Since my job is done in 2 days, I'm hoping after the holidays I will regain some energy from not working and will be able to get back to normal.

 

[1girln3boys]

I get up every moring and make his coffee then wake him up. For dinner I fix his plate. For Sunday football I bring him breakfast in bed so he can watch pregame stuff before the game.

 

[bellebud]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

I would be annoyed by this in the beginning, then I'd stop doing it. Maybe I'd tell him why "honey, I feel like a maid when I'm in the other room doing something, and you call out to me to get you a cup of coffee. Is there some reason you feel you need me to get you the coffee? Does it taste better when I do it?" If his answer is something like "wow, I didn't realize", or "yeah, I love you getting me the cup of coffee, it's just better when you get it" (like as in an attention getting type thing), I'd think I'd be ok. BUT if his answer is anything like "you're supposed to get me coffee", I don't think I could be with someone like that, because that would have to spill over into all aspects of our lives together. If it's an attention type thing (as in *she loves me, she gets me coffee*), maybe a compromise could be made. When you're busy, he can get it himself. When you're not busy, you can ask him if he'd like a cup.

I remember reading something, at a time that I was annoyed with my dh for never, ever, ever being able to put his dirty clothes in the hamper - just dropping them wherever... what I read was something like "when I'm picking up my dh's dirty socks for the 1000th time, I say a little blessing about him in my head, and I remember how much I really do adore him". That helped me tremendously when doing these little things for him that I didn't feel I should "have" to do. Since then, I feel like I choose to do them.

The coffee thing though, I don't think I'd like. BUT, my mom gets my step-dad his coffee all the time. It's just their thing. He does many things for her too, in different ways. So she feels fine getting his coffee. But there's a balance there.

Good luck.

 

[furb & dez]

So OP, why on EARTH are you complaining about this cup of coffee stuff to strangers on the internet instead of discussing it like an adult with the man you wish to marry?

TELL HIM how you feel. I bet he's oblivious. It would not be fair to harbor a grudge over this without ever giving him a chance to understand his part and make a change.

Or you could try and simply say "NO." or "I'M BUSY" when he asks you to fetch him his cup of coffee.

Just an idle thought on a related tangent... how many relationships fail simply because one person will fuss and complain to EVERYONE ELSE but absolutely fails to involve the one person that could make the problem go away?

Then again, the fact that this site has a board specifically for attention (lady of the evening)s already shows that some people don't actually want solutions, they just want the sympathy and attention.

Holding in your complaints just makes the problem persist. Solve your own problems by communicating. (or, you know, by not being a doormat)

 

[Scurvy]

OP, my husband and I do things like that for each other all the time, either on our own or because the other person asks us to. Plenty of times if he's in the middle of a video game he'll ask me to bring him a drink when I'm already up, and I'll ask him the same thing if I'm settled in with a book and buried under a blanket and cat and don't want to get up. He'll often heat the water and get my tea steeping in the morning when he's up before me and if I'm up first I get the Keurig ready for him to fix his coffee. Obviously neither of us has any problem with these sorts of things. But, it's a back-and-forth with us. If it was always one of us doing things for the other with no reciprocation it wouldn't work. Also, if we ask for something we mean for the other to do it when (and if) it's convenient, not right that minute.

Then again, the fact that this site has a board specifically for attention (lady of the evening)s already shows that some people don't actually want solutions, they just want the sympathy and attention.

After all the years I've been on here I've still managed to miss that board, apparently. Which one is it?

 

[happygirl]

I personally don't see it as a big deal, as long as it equal you both take turns helping each out

 

[marie1203]

This is an interesting thread. I never stop to think about the things I do for my husband. This last year things have shifted a little since I am back in school full time and he is working and takes a few classes each semester so we don't have as much time as we did before. We find ourselves going out to eat a few times a week after getting out of class at 8pm we don't have the energy to come cook and clean. I never woken up with him because he is a marine and his schedule is all over the place. So waking up at 4am is jut not for me. He wakes up, gets his breakfast and gets ready by himself. Other than doing his laundry and keep the house clean I don't do much for my husband. I am actually starting to feel terrible about this as I type. I can't even think about what to do for him. On the other hand he helps around the house all the time. He even makes time to go grocery shopping with me. The weekends he usually wakes up early and makes breakfast for me. Thank OP for the reality check! I need to start putting more effort and trying to help DH out more. Maybe I will wake up early and make breakfast for him this weekend.

 

[dngnb8]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

Every morning, I make and pour my wifes coffee. I also make her breakfast and dinner. Lunch is made by her (from dinner left overs) that evening for us to take.

I "wait" on my wife without request, because of the Love I have for her. IMHO, if this is an issue with you, dont marry. Frankly, your perceptions never came to my mind, and I do what you do. BTW, I also do the dishes and laundry.

 

[badblackpug]

I think a lot of people are taking the "cup of coffee" example way too literally. I think the OP is using that as an example of the type of behavior/attitude she is struggling with. I don't think it is actually the cup of coffee that is irritating her. Now the OP may correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that she does not feel valued. As in her BF thinks that no matter what she is doing, it cannot, possibly, be as important as taking care of him. Imagine, if you will, he is sitting on the couch watching Sports Center and she is bathing the kids and he yells in, "Honey, get me a cup of coffee." I think that would irritate the mess out of me, and it does send the message that "your time is just not as important as mine." I think in a relationship it is important to do those little things that show that you care and you are thinking of one another, but when they become demands, or expected, it breeds resentment. Many of you may like waiting on your spouse (it will be a cold day in h3ll before I cut a grown man's meat) but clearly this is not the OP's feeling. I feel that a relationship is a partnership. It may not be 50/50 in all areas. Maybe he does more yard work and you do more cooking. Maybe she works more hours outside the home, and he does more housework, but one partner should never feel servile to another.

OP, you need to sit down and discuss this with him. The next time he does it maybe say to him, calmly, "Honey, when you call me away from what I am doing so I can wait on you, it makes me feel......"

I will agree, though, that you really should analyze this relationship and your feelings, and attitudes, and goals before you decide to get married. If it really is something you can't fix, maybe couples counseling is in order, or maybe this isn't the right man for you.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

After all the years I've been on here I've still managed to miss that board, apparently. Which one is it?

Seriously, I want to know where the "lady of the evenings" board for attention seekers is, too!

 

[luvmy3]

Just an idle thought on a related tangent... how many relationships fail simply because one person will fuss and complain to EVERYONE ELSE but absolutely fails to involve the one person that could make the problem go away?

Then again, the fact that this site has a board specifically for attention (lady of the evening)s already shows that some people don't actually want solutions, they just want the sympathy and attention.

Holding in your complaints just makes the problem persist. Solve your own problems by communicating. (or, you know, by not being a doormat)

The OP says her dh knows how she feels so maybe they have discussed it. Also, I take her post as a vent, and sometimes its nice to hear from people on the outside to give you some perspective. I don't think she actually came here for us to solve her problem.

 

[Jennasis]

Just an idle thought on a related tangent... how many relationships fail simply because one person will fuss and complain to EVERYONE ELSE but absolutely fails to involve the one person that could make the problem go away?

Then again, the fact that this site has a board specifically for attention (lady of the evening)s already shows that some people don't actually want solutions, they just want the sympathy and attention.

Holding in your complaints just makes the problem persist. Solve your own problems by communicating. (or, you know, by not being a doormat)

What are you talking about?

 

[FireDancer]

I'm not married but I've been in plenty of relationships and if I have an issue with something my s/o is or isn't doing I speak with them about it. Communication problems is usually either first or second in the lists of reasons why relationships (including marriages) fail but it shouldn't be. It isn't that hard to have a conversation with someone you care about.

I can't believe how much stuff ends up here that really needs to be discussed with the person you are dating or married to.

 

[okeydokey]

My mother's answer for that kind of request when I was a kid in her house was, "Why, are your legs broken?"

It's not about the coffee. It is about equality in the relationship. If he is also doing things for you, then it's no problem to do something he requests. When he is expecting you to be his servant and he does not reciprocate, it is time to renegotiate roles in the relationship.

My friend married someone like this and early in their marriage, while in our home when we were all sitting around chatting after dinner, he would hold up his glass and say "Barbara, I need more tea" and she would jump up and get it for him. This phase did not last past the point where they had their first child. Now they are partners and not the boss and the underling.