Taking care of your spouse

[Wishing on a star]

OMG... it is a ZOMBIE thread.
I just hit reply without even looking or noticing....

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Well she dumped that guy yrs ago.

I had to scroll and read my advice yrs ago. Yea...still agree.

Ditto. I joined the DIS when I was in college, and sometimes when these pop up I wonder if I will find something idiotic I said in 2005 or something as a foolish college kid.

 

[brockash]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

Yes, that would drive me nuts too...he's not an infant and you aren't his maid or mother. Really the whole "taking care of each other" in the way that you're talking about is not something I'm interested in at all. I'm a grown up and so is my DH and honestly I feel like it basically makes the relationship unequal as if it's made up of 1 superior person and 1 inferior person. Having said that, if DH or myself are in the living room and one of us gets up to go the kitchen, we'll usually ask the other if they want anything etc., but we do our own laundry (although I'm the one that does the kids) and we'll do things for each other occasionally, but it's because we want to, not because it's expected which I think makes a HUGE difference.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

I can't think of anything I do for him that he doesn't do for me. He does as much laundry as I do, irons his own clothes, fixes his own lunches, etc.

Editing to add: Doh!

 

[JRawkSteady]

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[mom2rtk]

I can't believe this thread sat there all this time with only ONE post following the bombshell update! I was also hoping for an OP update.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I was the one who commented--wow, I was on top of things that day years ago, lol. I was surprised no one else commented.

 

[leebee]

Might be a zombie thread but it's still interesting. I cannot imagine "waiting" on my husband. He's a grown up, he can handle taking care of himself. I always think it's so odd and juvenile when my SIL says she's going to fix her husband's plate. She doesn't even ask him, just dishes up his food as if he's a child. I don't think sharing in housework is "waiting on" or "doing things for" DH. That's taking care of our home. He does the vacuuming and cleans the bathrooms, but that started when I had back surgery and couldn't push the vacuum or bend to clean the tub for about a year (pre- and post-surgery). He also does the shoveling, mowing, and takes out the trash (I collect it from the bedrooms the night before trash night, and then bring in the empty barrels). He deals with all the recycling- we just make sure things go in the appropriate bin when we throw things out, but he deals with taking it out, returning bottles, etc. I do 99.9% of the shopping (groceries, clothes, household), did 99% of the kid-schlepping when it was part of our lives, pay the bills, dust/clean the woodwork (floors, shelving, trim, etc). We both take care of the cats, do the laundry, deal with the gardens. I cook dinner, he cleans the kitchen afterwards (probably 28 of 30 nights a month); breakfast and lunch are pretty much DIY around here, and we each pack our own lunches. He sets up the coffee before he goes to bed each night, I shut off the lights and lock the door. It's just the way it's all worked out, but nobody is "waiting" on anyone.

 

[tzolkin]

Might be a zombie thread but it's still interesting. I cannot imagine "waiting" on my husband. He's a grown up, he can handle taking care of himself. I always think it's so odd and juvenile when my SIL says she's going to fix her husband's plate. She doesn't even ask him, just dishes up his food as if he's a child. I don't think sharing in housework is "waiting on" or "doing things for" DH. That's taking care of our home. He does the vacuuming and cleans the bathrooms, but that started when I had back surgery and couldn't push the vacuum or bend to clean the tub for about a year (pre- and post-surgery). He also does the shoveling, mowing, and takes out the trash (I collect it from the bedrooms the night before trash night, and then bring in the empty barrels). He deals with all the recycling- we just make sure things go in the appropriate bin when we throw things out, but he deals with taking it out, returning bottles, etc. I do 99.9% of the shopping (groceries, clothes, household), did 99% of the kid-schlepping when it was part of our lives, pay the bills, dust/clean the woodwork (floors, shelving, trim, etc). We both take care of the cats, do the laundry, deal with the gardens. I cook dinner, he cleans the kitchen afterwards (probably 28 of 30 nights a month); breakfast and lunch are pretty much DIY around here, and we each pack our own lunches. He sets up the coffee before he goes to bed each night, I shut off the lights and lock the door. It's just the way it's all worked out, but nobody is "waiting" on anyone.

I think there's a difference between "waiting" on someone (in an expected/obligatory sense) and doing things for someone out of love.

Sure, my husband can take care of himself, but sometimes I think its a nice gesture to get him a drink, fix him a plate, pack his lunch, etc. And this goes both ways. I certainly don't know your SIL's situation, but I don't think her fixing her husband a plate automatically means that she's treating him like a child. At a family buffet-style meal DH might start fixing himself a plate and then offer it to me so I can go ahead and eat or I might bring him a plate while he was assisting the kids when they were babies/little. It was just always just a thoughtful gesture in the moment, not something done out of obligation or necessity.

My father has never cooked, cleaned, cared for children, etc. but he will fix a cup of tea for my mom almost every evening. Yes, she's an adult and she could certainly make her own tea (she does absolutely everything else), but waiting on her in this manner is the one way that he shows affection.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Personally, my wife and I share responsibilities pretty evenly. If one of us is going to the kitchen, the other will ask if they want anything, etc etc. (same as a PP said), we take turns with the dishes and laundry and all that good stuff. And we usually clean the house together when it starts looking a bit too messy. If I wanted someone to wait on me hand and foot, I'd get a butler. Honestly, I never understood that whole pre-Women's rights mentality. I'm happy to do my part in the household that we both share.

So.. was this a suggested thread or something? Why did you reply to a thread from December 2011 about somebody's boyfriend trouble?