SWF SEEKS WMD
CIA Runs Personal Ad Looking for Weapons Cache
The Central Intelligence Agency has taken the extraordinary step of placing personal ads in leading Arabic-language dailies in the Middle East in order to locate former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's banned weapons cache, agency sources revealed today.
The advertisements, with the heading "SWF SEEKS WMD," have been criticized in some quarters as a particularly desperate attempt to find Saddam's forbidden but so far invisible weapons of mass destruction.
Sources within the CIA, however, said that the ads were not a sign of desperation, but rather were a calculated move to target Saddam's sons Uday and Qusay, who, the CIA believes, have not had a date in months.
"We have intelligence suggesting that both of these gentlemen have billions of Euros and want to get busy with the ladies," one source said.
Attempting to counter recent reports of intelligence failures, the CIA revealed today that they had uncovered a large cache of the lubricant WD-40 outside Basra today.
"While WD-40 is not the same thing as WMD, it could be used to lubricate a machine that could make WMD," the CIA said.
Meanwhile, in testimony before Congress, CIA director George Tenet acknowledged today that large sections of the President's State of the Union Address had been copied verbatim from the children's classic "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll.
Mr. Tenet took the blame for the inclusion of the "Alice" passages and also took responsibility for the National League's loss in Tuesday's Major League Baseball All Star Game.
"I don't know exactly what I had to do with the loss, but I'm pretty sure it was my fault," a contrite Mr. Tenet said.
**** BOROWITZ REPORT****
CIA Runs Personal Ad Looking for Weapons Cache
The Central Intelligence Agency has taken the extraordinary step of placing personal ads in leading Arabic-language dailies in the Middle East in order to locate former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's banned weapons cache, agency sources revealed today.
The advertisements, with the heading "SWF SEEKS WMD," have been criticized in some quarters as a particularly desperate attempt to find Saddam's forbidden but so far invisible weapons of mass destruction.
Sources within the CIA, however, said that the ads were not a sign of desperation, but rather were a calculated move to target Saddam's sons Uday and Qusay, who, the CIA believes, have not had a date in months.
"We have intelligence suggesting that both of these gentlemen have billions of Euros and want to get busy with the ladies," one source said.
Attempting to counter recent reports of intelligence failures, the CIA revealed today that they had uncovered a large cache of the lubricant WD-40 outside Basra today.
"While WD-40 is not the same thing as WMD, it could be used to lubricate a machine that could make WMD," the CIA said.
Meanwhile, in testimony before Congress, CIA director George Tenet acknowledged today that large sections of the President's State of the Union Address had been copied verbatim from the children's classic "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll.
Mr. Tenet took the blame for the inclusion of the "Alice" passages and also took responsibility for the National League's loss in Tuesday's Major League Baseball All Star Game.
"I don't know exactly what I had to do with the loss, but I'm pretty sure it was my fault," a contrite Mr. Tenet said.
**** BOROWITZ REPORT****
