Survey: Please tell me about your PARENTS' marriage and how it affected you

[onecoolmama]

My mom divorced my dad 10 years after they were married. She should have divorced him right away! He was a drunken abusive mess and on the Police Force...so calling the cops didnt help her out at all!

I was three when she finally left so I didnt live with the abuse for a long time. It only affected me becuase we snuck away one night...and we left with nothing. So we were poor for a long time. When we finally got an apartment (we had raw sewage backing up into it...so YUCK) And my mom had NO self esteem which looking back, that has an impact on everyone.

It affected my brother a lot more who was 7 and had and saw all the abuse go on for much longer.

I think everyone would have been better if they stopped with my brother too. They would have had one less mouth to feed and one less person to have to watch out for...it would have made it better for my mom.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

My parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary last year. This was my dad's 2nd marriage and my mom's 1st. I have a 1/2 brother and sister from my dad's 1st marriage. His 1st marriage lasted about 10 years (I think). My dad actually had custody of my siblings which was unusual for that day and age, but he is a great father.

He has remained civil with his ex-wife over the years. No conflicts going to weddings and etc. We had a funny situation at my nephew's wedding. The wedding planner had us all together in the church for the rehearsal and started asking about seating arrangements during the ceremony. She wanted to know if everyone would be civil to each other and whether the grandparents could all be seated together....we all just started cracking up - my mom and my dad's ex were sitting in the back of the church gossiping!

My parents have a good marriage - they do fight on occasion but who doesn't? So far both my siblings and I have managed to stay married...my brother for 24 years, my sister for 27, and myself for 16...

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I also had a far from ideal childhood. My mother and father divorced when I was 7 and almost immediately afterward she married my stepdad and over the years I wish they'd get divorced. He is a complete control freak who still thinks he's in the miliatary and treated us all that way when we were growing up. If things weren't perfect (to his standards anyway) he'd throw a fit and get very, very upset. I wish I had a nickel for every time he went into me and my sister's room and tore it apart because there was a sock or a towel on the floor. My mother was also very, very depressed. I think she never got over the postpartum depression from having us kids and having a husband who at times seemed to verge on manic/depressive probably didn't help much either. I became the world's smallest adult, trying to keep the house clean, do all the chores (laundry, cooking etc), make sure my two sibs did their homework as I tried to keep up with mine AND keep my mother from attempting suicide at least twice a month.

How did affect MY marriage? After having lived through that kind of maritial hell, I decided that when and if I ever got married, it wouldn't be that way. I know I'm not always the easiest person to live with (esp right now) but somehow I always manage to work things out with DH and we never go to bed angry with each other. I am determined to make this thing work no matter what I have to sacrafice, what I have to do, what comprimises I have to make. I refuse to be another divorce statistic.


TOV

 

[Aurora63]

My parents have been unhappily married for nearly 32 years. My dad is a major jerk to my mom, and my mom just accepts it. He is also very controlling of her, which she also allows. He always insults her, and they still fight all the time. My mom allows herself to be a doormat, which drives me crazy, but after 32 years of being the same, I supose it is hard to just change overnight. When my mom is away from my dad, she is a different, normal person. I do not enjoy being around my dad. I love him, but I don't like being with him, or talking to him, if that makes sense.

I used to wish they would get divorced when I was a kid, but they didn't. It probably worked out better for us kids in that they didn't, except for us having to be exposed to constant verbal abuse, which I still have not forgiven m father for. I am just thankful that I was able to move far away. Love 'em both, but now, I need some space.

Can you guess how I feel about divorce, religiously? I am a Christian, and Jesus does not say divorce is hunky-dorey, but he does seem to indicate that sometimes it is necessary. So, if it is necessary, then I have no problem with it.

How has it affected me? Really, it has made me want to have a happy, stable life and marriage. I am married now. I am happy. We are working on our finances, and will not have children until we are relatively in decent financial shape...much of my parents fighting was over money, and I don't want to subject my children to the stress of, "Where will we live?" or "What will we eat?" Even though I can keep them from knowing how bad things might be...I guess I don't want to stress myself over these things, too.

 

[Kermit]

My parents have been happily married about 30 years. Growing up, my sister and I saw them argue, but we also saw them make up. We both grew up understanding that in a marriage, it's not like on TV. You don't move onto the next person when the sparks go away. The sparks won't always be there, but the companionship will be, if you work on it.

It's funny that Robinrs mentioned trying to find someone like her dad. I didn't really think about that affecting my marriage, but it did. My DH and my dad are extremely similar. There have been a few holidays when they've bought me the same gift. They use the same expressions. And I'm happy with DH, just like I'm happy with my father-daughter relationship.

As a Christian, I feel that divorce is only appropriate in the case of a cheating or abusive spouse, but I don't think my parents feel that way. They would get counseling if they needed it (in fact, they have at one point), but I think they would ultimately divorce if they ever felt they had a reason. Fortunately, that's never happened.

 

[Mishetta]

I probably shouldn't have voted since my Dad died after being married to my Mom only 10 years.....but I know that they would have still been together if that had not happened. Being of a strong Christian faith, I know they would have survived anything life threw their way. They were very, very close & always did everything together....even grocery shopping! My Mom was soooo lost when my Dad passed away & she never re-married (& believe me, she was so gorgeous, there were men knocking on our door all the time) but she never would even date another man. She said she married my Dad & he would always be her husband. She could never think of starting a new life with another man (which sometimes I wish she had, because she really had a "sucky" life raising me alone).

My DH's parents are the same way & they've been married 40 years.

My DH & I are emulating our parents. We are very close & do everything together but most importantly, we worship together & sometimes I think that keeps a family more glued together. JMHO

 

[Melann]

I think my choice that my parents should have gotten divorce is really sucky, but I definately think my childhood would have been a least bit better. My parents aren't terrible people, but I could have lived without the screaming in the middle night, and the hitting. My parents have been fighting on and offsince I was in the 2nd grade (now a college senior). there were days when they wouldn't argue at all, and we would all be happy. And then, there would be the days of fighting constantly, and me and my brothers and sisters getting put in the middle. It's really tough growing up like that, and I swear to my boyfriend now that we WILL NOT fight in front of our children. I don't want my kids to go through what I went through!

 

[Christine]

My parents separated when I was 2 and divorced when I was 4. I have no recollection of living with my father. My parents married very young and my father was WAY to immature to be married. He was a bad husband and, of course, my mom needed to leave him and I don't regret that for a moment.

My mom remarried when I was 8 and I had a very good stepfather. However, I do believe my parents should have handled *me* better. I never had a relationship with my father (he was too busy playing around and enjoying himself to be a father) and then when he wouldn't keep up the child support payments and kept standing me up for visits, my mom said he needn't come by anymore. So, I haven't seen my father since I was 12 (I'm now 40). It effects me because I never had any real closure to that relationship and could, therefore, not bond properly with my stepfather. I think it probably somehow affects my relationship with men in general.